A garden is a beautiful analogy of love. There is a lot of work that goes into growing and keeping a garden beautiful. It starts with preparation, and planning, and then comes planting, fertilizing, watering, and weeding. With all of this there will come a time that we can enjoy the beautiful flowers, the fruits of our labors.
Prepare the soil
In contrast to Sleeping Beauty, true love requires planning and preparation. Waiting in a tower, sequestered from the world, is no way to prepare. Our preparation for love should start with observation. We need to see loving couples, what they do, how they act, how they feel, what they say to each other and those around them. My parents and grandparents didn't love each other. I had no example of love to be able to see what I was looking for. So, I married "a girl just like the girl that married dear ol' dad" and tried to do it better than they did. I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. I thought I did, but it turns out I wasn't prepared with the right tools to love with my heart. I did a lot of planning, but the soil wasn't prepared properly so the flowers didn't grow.
In order to be prepared it is essential that we grow up. Children are self-centered so they can't really make commitments. A child's commitment goes only as far as himself -- he is committed to getting what he wants. Children expect those around them to understand them automatically. They believe in "love at first sight." They don't feel the need to put in an effort to learn the "love language" of their partner, but rather expect that she will learn his. They believe that true love is automatic and requires no effort. Childish couples argue because they are each trying to get their needs filled, and this is the purpose for getting married in the first place. When we grow up, however, we no longer need a mommy to take care of us.
An important part of this preparation is becoming dependent on God, shifting our dependence away from people. When we rely on the Lord, we are able to love and nurture our spouse -- we can give, instead of taking. Thus, proper soil preparation requires faith in God, which brings meekness and lowliness of heart, and the ability to make unselfish commitments. Some soils are hard and need to be worked a lot, with a lot of fertilizer, amendments and additives so the flowers will grow. For this reason, some have very hard lives. The difficulties of our childhood are the fertilizers for our future love. However, if we don't allow them to be dug in, we only get hardened and the fertilizer washes off, leaving only hard ground. There seem to be many more people who become bitter and angry at the difficulties of their lives than become humble and soft. The choice lies within each individual.
After my divorce I began looking around at the women who were available, thinking I wanted to be married. I noticed that the majority of women my age were still children, and didn't have any preparation for love. Most were trying to look half their age so men would lust after them. Many were bitter and angry that they didn't get what they wanted. Instead of allowing the vicissitudes of life to soften them, they had become hardened. I wasn't sure I was prepared, but what I saw made me decide not to marry again. I would just stay single and raise my children for the next seven years -- unless...
Plant the seeds
The Prince loved Cinderella only because she was beautiful. The seeds of love are our desires. We can get seeds that grow quickly, and die quickly, or we can plant seeds that continue to grow forever. Petunia seeds are the desires that don't last forever, such as good looks. If we love someone because she is beautiful, then we cease to love her when she is not. However, if our love is based on who she is, then she will always be beautiful. Lust says, "I love you because you're beautiful." Whereas Love says, "Your beautiful because I love you." All of the temporary things that we desire such as wealth, power, looks, lands, homes, education, and so forth are the perennial seeds.
Like roses, those desires which are permanent can grow into a love that blossoms year after year. These include admirable character traits such as honesty, faithfulness, humility, kindness, diligence, love, cheerfulness, and courage. It's not what they've done, but who they have become that makes the difference.
One evening while visiting my friend, Eddy, who had cancer, I was sitting around talking to his wife Karyn and her children. I noticed that she was soft, and had no sharp edges. She loved her children. She loved her dying husband. I have known her since she was a teenager so I was aware of her hard life. However, she was different; she had developed faith, hope, and love. It wasn't until later as I was reflecting on it that I recognized the difference; now I knew what I wanted -- I saw it. It wasn't a pretty face or a beautiful body; it wasn't wealth or power, status or education -- I wanted humility, peace, kindness, faith, faithfulness, and love. The seed was planted.
Nurture the young and tender plant
Our garden doesn't just get planted, and we "live happily ever after," like Snow White. The work really starts when we come together. The soil must be watered frequently. A little neglect early on could be deadly to our love. We need to be extra vigilant in the first couple of years. We have to express our love frequently. We need to discover our spouse and come to "know" her in every sense of the word. Every day, several times each day, we can tell her we love her in a variety of ways. A look, a smile, a thoughtful gift, a note on the refrigerator, or the seat of his car.
Like a new garden, young love requires a great deal of effort. After several months as a missionary in Venezuela I was sure that it would be easier to teach everyone there to speak English because it was so hard for me to learn Spanish. However, with persistence, I eventually learned and now I even have a spot every week on a Spanish-language TV news show. Part of the nurturing of love is to learn a new language -- the "love language" of our spouse. With all the effort of learning any new language we can come to understand her "love language" and learn to speak it fluently. Like any new language, it takes time, patience, and effort.
Suddenly, it's not all about me, but rather a process of getting to know her in a more intimate way. The more we understand our loved ones, the more our love grows. The growth process is never-ending. Each individual is living and changing; moreover, we are complex enough for a lifetime of intimate study. If we continually nurture our love, it just keeps getting better.
Weed the garden
Aladdin grew up very differently from Jasmine which produces a lot of potential weed seeds. We can have great soil, good seed, give lots of water and fertilizer, but if we don't weed the garden, it won't be nearly as enjoyable. Keeping the weeds out, means not having any ugliness. Our thoughts are the weed seeds. We don't plant the weeds, they just show up. Judgment and criticism for weaknesses is automatic. Also, the cares of life can become weeds that overgrow our garden.
When we sit as judges, expecting perfection in any area of life, love dies. Criticism is the process of avoiding intimacy. If we need to criticize, it means our soil is not prepared to love. The problem is not in our partner, no matter what she has done, but rather in us. We weed our garden of love when we remove all negative thoughts. The best time to do this is immediately as they sprout because if we wait until they have gone to seed, we allow more to grow. I have found that when I tell Karyn about the weeds we grow closer and no new ones sprout.
Spending time with our lover is essential to the growth of love. When we get caught up in the other cares of life we may completely choke-out our beautiful flowers. I used to think that life was backwards. We should start out with all the experience and acquired goods and money of a 50-year-old so we have the means and knowledge to raise our children well. Now, however, I think life is perfect. We need the first years to be lean so we can learn what is really important. We must let go of all of the things of the world and put our trust in God, and put our spouse first in the world. In poverty all things are gained because we come to know what is really important. There are four things we can do with our time: 1) unimportant things such as watching TV, 2) good things such as cleaning the house, 3) better things such as working to earn money, and 4) the best things such as nurturing our love. All of the first three can be best if they are part of number four. However, if they are done to the exclusion of love, they become weeds that must be pulled-out.
True Love
True love really is a rose garden. There are thorns, and it requires pruning, fertilizing, weeding and watering, but if we are properly prepared, and are willing to put in the time and effort our love can grow every year with more and more blossoms and colors.
