Seeking Unity

An article in the Ensign this month has taught me something I think I should have known for a long time, but didn't sink-in. It talks about a husband and wife being a council in the family the way there are councils in the Church. The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve will not act on ANYTHING unless there is unanimity. If just one doesn't agree on a particular action, they discuss it until a consensus is reached. Sometimes they discuss things for hours, days, or even years before an item acted upon. Nobody is dictatorial or imposes their "righteous" will or exercises authority over the others.

Bondage

I have not done this. Instead, I have insisted that I was right, or that things be done the way I want. I have been selfish in wanting to get my way. In the process, I have manipulated my family in three primary ways: 1. I would be authoritative, being the boss. 2. I would reason with them intellectually until they had to agree. Or, 3. I would just be "patient" and wait for them to turn to my way of thinking. I have not sought consensus with my wife and family, but rather I continued to hope things would go my way. I didn't give in and compromise in any way. Mostly, though, I didn't seek their feelings on things, rather I just assumed I was right and they would come around to my way of thinking. I didn't consider that they had anything to contribute. Thus, I could maintain my authority.

Being an authority is pride, and thus a form of bondage. I remained "stuck" in my own thoughts, ideas, and mind set. I could not change because I wasn't able to let others change me. I said I was open to change, but they had to convince me with a better argument than I had. I would be able to out-reason them and maintain my way of thinking. I was in a prison of my own making, out of which I could not get. 

Liberation

The Lord intervened and took me out of bondage. He brought me down a road, the consequence of my selfishness, that I didn't expect. Pride does indeed go before a fall. My wife and children were taken away from me, and I was given a family that didn't care about my ability to reason. They don't think the way I do, rather they base their lives on their hearts. I was so frustrated, at first, but the Lord kept telling me, "It's alright, just go with it; let go of your authority." I have done that, and a whole new world has opened to my view. I walked out of the prison.

I'm no longer the authority, I'm just a figurehead. I'm a stand-in, filling in the gaps for Eddy. It's his family and I'm taking care of them for the time being. I'm a surrogate or adopted father so I have to learn "their way." One of these is to consider the feelings of others on any subject and seek to understand why they feel the way they do. Since I don't need my current wife and her children to be a "chip off the old block" to maintain a certain image, I don't fear their hearts; which has opened up a new world to me, a world of building unity and love, consideration and compassion. 

I no longer have to have things "my way." It's a concept that I knew about in certain contexts, but did not apply to my personal life. It brings a certain peace, like not having to fight or jockey for position. I don't have to be the authority and know everything. I no longer have to be "patient" and wait for what I want. I don't have to be the "Lone Ranger," all alone out in the desert fighting for what I think is right. I can be part of a team. 

It's freedom. In seeking counsel from my wife and family I gain their support. I don't have to drag them with me, insisting that they think, feel, and do as I do. I can allow them to be who they are, and learn from them, at the same time they take some responsibility. They are part of the process of decision-making, and thus become integrated into the solution.

Leadership

This is why I have been an ineffective leader in my business as well. I don't reach consensus by asking what my employees think or feel, but rather I act on how I feel at the moment. I have tried to be the authority, instead of the leader. I have thought I had to know everything to tell everyone what to do. I didn't teach them because I didn't know. This left huge gaps in productivity because everyone was guessing as to what needed to be done.

Building a team requires the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of each team member. This allows the team to be the best it can be. Finding consensus of the heart is not an easy task, but a good leader will be able to bring very different people together to form a team. This is the genius of Abraham Lincoln. One of his biographies is titled, "A Team of Rivals" referring to his ability to bring the rival members of his cabinet together to form a team that helped him keep a nation from being torn apart.

Be one

The concept of seeking the hearts of others is not new to me. I do it all the time in being a physician. I treat the same illness very differently in different people because of their individual wants, needs, and desires. I find out their hearts first, before making a plan of action, and when I make a recommendation and it doesn't work, I change easily, finding another way. In a way, I have given my patients more consideration than my employees, friends, and family, which I have been told more than once. 

I'm just beginning to understand what is meant by unity. In giving up my pride of being an authority I can seek consensus by understanding the hearts of others. This is an essential part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, "I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine." (D&C 38:27) It is also an essential part of love. Jesus told his disciples how important this love is when He told them just before His suffering, "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35)

Efficiency vs. Effectiveness

I wake up in the morning with a routine. Read the Scriptures. Check. Write in journal. Check. Shower, shave, deodorant, hair, dress in order: underwear first, then socks, shirt, pants... Check. Check. Check.

I've lived a life of checking boxes. I find the most efficient way of doing things and always do it the same way. If I find a better way, I change so I'm always doing things right, according to my way of thinking. In every area of my life I have checked boxes. 

Spiritually, I learned all I can from the writings of the prophets and did the best I could to do all the right things. Go to church. Check. Keep the commandments. Check. Pray. Check. Forgive everyone. Check. Get baptized. Check. Go to the Temple. Check. Get sealed. Check. My exaltation should be assured because I checked all the boxes.

In my marriage I read all I could about being a good husband so I could check all the boxes. Give her flowers. Check. Help around the house. Check. Pray together every night. Check. Give her gifts -- my own creations -- Jewelry boxes, a bed, her dream home, and so forth. Check. Take care of the children. Check. Date night. Check. We should have had a perfect marriage. It looked that way on the outside.

With my children I listened carefully to others, and avoided their mistakes, doing all the things they missed. Work less to be with them more. Check. Be the scoutmaster. Check. Take them places. Check. Cook meals for them. Check. Read books to them. Check. Read the Scriptures every morning. Check. Pray together. Check. Family Home Evening program every Monday. Check. I did everything right. My children should have been Gospel scholars by the age of twelve and General Authorities by their twenties. They should have advanced degrees and be emotionally secure, physically healthy, and in every way mature by the time they graduated from high school. I literally gave them a checklist of maturity in eight areas of life so they could check the boxes. It's all I knew to give them, the best I had.

Hypocrisy

However, I am a witness today that "the letter killeth." (2 Corinthians 3:6) I have killed everything I touched with the letter of the Law. "Ticking boxes," as the British say, is doing the outer portions of the rules, but not the things of the heart. I have neglected the "weightier matters" even as I did everything right. I am as the Pharisees upon whom the Lord pronounced a woe, "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone." (Matthew 23:23) Hypocrisy is doing the outward signs, but leaving the heart out. Woe is me!

Hypocrisy is found in doing things right. If I have a list in my mind of what a "righteous man" is and go down the list, checking all the boxes, then I can define myself as a righteous man. Others on the outside looking at me would also say, "there goes a righteous man" because everything is in place. Yet, I can easily "suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by [me], and notice them not." (Mormon 8:39) If I don't see the needs of others, I have no box to check and can still define myself as a "righteous man." 

Hypocrisy is also found in efficiency. I have an overwhelming innate need to be efficient in everything. I use the soap in the shower to the last. I use one disposable razor for a month. I tear pieces of paper towels off. I use exactly three squares of toilet paper. I only buy, or make, the food I'm going to eat. I'm so proud of my 40 MPG car! There is a sense of righteousness in leaving a very small footprint. I'm so conservative with everything, and expect everyone to be the same way. On the other hand, the things of the heart are not efficient, and therefore must be eschewed.

A Mighty change of heart

However, the things of the heart are the "weightier matters," or the most important things. Judgment is being just, such as helping those in need, or "social justice." Mercy is blessing those who don't deserve it. Faith is trusting in the Lord, doing His will and leaving the final outcome to Him. These have no boxes to check. I didn't even notice that my wife needed my compassion and love. I didn't even notice that my children were individuals. I didn't even notice the needs of the poor. I judged them to be in their state because of their ignorance, not doing things right, and being inefficient. I gave everyone boxes to check, lists of tasks to perform so they could have everything like me.

Since I have lost everything I wanted, and killed everything I touched, I have had to re-think my core beliefs. I re-married a woman who is all heart. She is the heart of her home. Her whole life is about people, compassion, love, and giving from the heart. She doesn't have a schedule. She doesn't make grocery lists. I don't think she has a single list of boxes to check! Her children are mostly the same. This has admittedly been very frustrating because the whole family is inefficient. The first week I had to teach Shannie not to use half a roll of toilet paper every time she went in the bathroom. Half the food we buy is wasted. There are three rolls of paper towels open in the kitchen. There's no bed time. There is always toast in the toaster that is cold. I find my tools out in the dirt, and if I don't, I fret about having to buy another wrench that I know I had. I finally gave up. I now stand back and watch -- and bite my tongue. I realize that it's just NOT going to be done my way.

Letting go of my needs has required that I remove the lists, and the boxes. I don't have a checklist anymore. It makes me feel so out-of-control, at times, and yet gives a certain freedom that I haven't experienced before. I can be with the children and have no boxes to check. Since there is no ulterior motive I can just enjoy them. There is no need to manipulate them to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing so I can check the box in my head. I can let them be what and who they are.

I'm learning, but it doesn't come easily. I'm learning that effectiveness is more important than efficiency. Efficiency has always been my substitute for effectiveness, but I had to let it go. Now I have to learn how to be effective. I remember this difference described by a friend when I was observing a junkyard in Mexico, "In the United States you take care of things and use people, but in Mexico we take are of people and use things." This is a difference between efficiency and effectiveness. Isn't it ironic that so many years later I would marry a Mexican and learn this lesson for real.

It's NOT automatic

When we confess Christ we are saved at that moment, and forever. I have always thought it was automatic. In fact, I have assumed that everything I think is automatic just because I want it to be. I wanted to get married and live happily ever after so I thought if my wife loved me, then I would automatically love her. I thought getting baptized would automatically make me clean. I thought the ordinances of the Priesthood would automatically make me a righteous man. I thought being sealed in the temple to my wife would automatically bring us both exaltation in the kingdom of Heaven.

I was wrong. Dead wrong. "But it is mockery before God... putting trust in dead works." (Moroni 8:23) I see many who think as I did, who believe that they are magically changed by wanting something to be true. There are two kinds of "dead works:" 1. Those things done without sincerity, and 2. Those things that we neglect to fulfill. Paradoxically, every gift from God is free, and yet requires the most diligent labor. For example, performing an ordinance doesn't save, rather by obedience to it we come to know, and love, God. 

Ordinances

The ordinances of the priesthood are given to guide us to God. We come to know Him as we are obedient, showing that we love Him with all our heart, might, mind and strength. The rites, rituals, and ordinances of the priesthood don't bring us, or cause us, to know God by themselves. It is really the action word of "obedience" to them that helps us to understand the Lord and come to know Him intimately. The rulers of the Jews during the time of Jesus thought they had the rights to the priesthood and were therefore chosen of God automatically, based on the works of their father, Abraham. However, Jesus reprimanded them saying, "If ye were Abraham's children, ye would do the works of Abraham." (John 8:39)

Peter thought it was important to perform the ordinances of the Gospel, which he explained during his speech at the Pentecost. Those who heard the word of God had faith in Christ, and asked what they should do. "Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." (Acts 2:38) However, I no longer think it's automatic.

Baptism

The first ordinance of salvation is baptism, the door by which we enter into the Kingdom of God -- and the Kingdom of Heaven. It is symbolic in many ways as a re-birth, and a washing. I was always told, and verily believe that it is required for a remission of sins. But I have also heard at more than one ceremony that the people just baptized are the "cleanest people in the room," alluding to the idea that being immersed in water can clean one of his sins. This, however, isn't true. The actual cleansing is done by the Holy Ghost. Alma explains that the Holy Prophets were "sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb... being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God..." (Alma 13:11-12). It's the Holy Ghost that makes us clean, after we have repented of all our sins.

The ordinance of baptism is performed as a symbol of that effort. Perhaps it could be said that if we are baptized before we have completely repented of all our sins then the ordinance is performed prematurely. In the ancient Americas, those who followed Christ "were not baptized save they brought forth fruit meet that they were worthy of it. Neither did they receive any unto baptism save they came forth with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and witnessed unto the church that they truly repented of all their sins." (Moroni 6:1-2) Now however, we baptize for admission into the Church, with an expectation that the acolyte will follow-through with the injunction to repent, eventually being cleansed of all sin, thus fulfilling the covenant made in the baptism ordinance. It often requires a great deal of time and effort.

Love

Love has been written about so much, and yet remains a mystery. Nevertheless there is a definite principle of love that can be learned and practiced. It's NOT automatic. We don't automatically love our parents, friends, siblings, spouses, children or anyone. There is work to be done that brings love in its wake. The feeling of love isn't controlled directly, but rather nurtured over time and developed -- the feeling follows the work.

The work of love is constant and consuming. It requires your entire heart: all your thoughts, words, and deeds must be employed. Parents do nothing without thinking about their children. A loving husband will do nothing without considering his wife. The greater the love, the more the thoughts and actions take the other into account.

Thoughts must be changed in order to modify feelings. When we have negative thoughts about our beloved, we don't entertain them, we make them leave by changing them for something positive.

Our words must reflect words of love at all times. We don't use sarcasm, irony, or especially anger. Just one angry word can negate weeks, months, or even years of being positive. Moreover, love requires communication; we would maintain constant contact with those we love.

Loving actions reinforce our feelings for our loved-one, who will know they are loved because of our thoughtful actions. Taking the time to discover the love languages of our beloved and use them regularly and liberally. It is the common lot of men to assume that those things that make them feel loved would obviously make everyone else feel the same. Not true. We must get outside of ourselves; It takes effort.

Love doesn't happen automatically.

Marriage

I assumed that if I was married, and that I didn't have any of the "unpardonable" sins, adultery, addictions, and abuse, that I would stay married forever. I thought things would just work out -- automatically. I read the books on marriage and checked all the boxes, assuming everything was going fine and I didn't need to do anything else. It didn't work. This has caused me to reflect upon my assumptions and I discovered my navet. Just like love, a great marriage doesn't happen without a great deal of effort. Marriage is a special case of love because it requires each to be on a more intimate level, requiring complete humility. 

Humility is knowing the truth about yourself, who you are and where you stand in the Universe. If I am humble and honest I can be trusted. Trust is earned over time through consistent effort and experience. This level of intimacy is not taken, but only given. We can only give what we possess so each must be fully in possession of himself, or herself. 

The mistake made in marriage is assuming that your spouse will automatically fill your wants, needs, or pre-conceived ideas. It's selfish. Couples generally find it hard to change so they end up trying to fix each other. I went to marriage counseling and read books on marriage to learn how to fix my wife. This is why a happy marriage relationship is not automatic. It takes work.

Work

The work of marriage is to become a partner that is humble and trustworthy. This only happens through a change of heart that comes from God to those who repent, are baptized, and receive the Holy Ghost. Thus, the labor of life is all interconnected. The work of one is the work of the other. It starts with a desire to come to know God. The steps on the path to salvation are shown in the rituals and ordinances, explained in the Scriptures, and made effective by obedience. Once we have an ordinance it becomes incumbent upon us to fulfill it by learning, by faith, by obedience, or, in other words, by doing the work of that rite. The power of God is manifest in our lives not by performing a ritual, but by being obedient -- keeping our promises we make to God in the ordinance. 

Jesus summed it up: "If ye love me, keep my commandments." (John 14:15) The covenants that we promise to abide are the commandments of God.

It isn't automatic... it's WORK. The Apostle James tells us, "Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." (James 2:17) Dead works are those we do without "real intent," such as when we fail to fulfill our covenants. The ordinances and covenants tell us what to do, and as we do them we receive the reward of our labors. We show our faith in Christ through doing the work of fulfilling the covenants we make to Him. It is the labor of love; it is the labor of life. It's not automatic.