Wives
First, I notice that women are looking for a way in. They want to be married, to have a husband, a companion, a helpmeet -- that is, until they get married. Then, they begin looking for a way out. Most eventually find it. It’s pretty easy to find reasons why she cannot trust him. He has weaknesses. He has shortcomings. He’s a hypocrite. He doesn’t provide well. He gets angry. He withholds love. He doesn’t speak my love language. We don’t have anything in common. He’s not like me. He’s weird. He thinks different. He isn’t good with my children. He lies. He’s a democrat. He comes from a different culture. He doesn’t believe in God. He has bad habits. He looks at other women. He cheated on me. He’s cold and distant. The list is endless, and can excuse her from loving him. She doesn’t need to love him because he doesn’t deserve to be loved. He can’t be trusted. Thus wives can keep their heart from their husbands.
Instead, she loves her children. She puts all of her efforts, her whole heart, into her children, and has none to spare for her husband. She gives to them. She loves them. They are hers, the only ones in the world that are hers -- that is, until they aren’t. Children grow up and need to fly the nest, find a mate, and become one with them, leaving out the mom. She is not part of that union, and no longer feels nurtured by her children. The loss can be tremendous. The wife built her house on a shaky foundation, and it crumbled. Now she only has her husband, whom she has avoided for so many years. Many of these relationships break up.
Husbands
Then, I realized that men do the same, only in a different way. They pull away. They get angry. They become grumpy. They play sports. They join clubs. They work all day, and then all night. They’re busy. They don’t have time to spend with their wives. They forget important dates. They are generally stressed. They find an outside source for stress relief. They don’t come home. They don’t spend time. They’re busy. They keep their heart.
Instead, men often try to get their wives to love them by filling their needs. Mostly, they substitute love with money, rather than giving themselves -- they buy gifts. They do lawn care and vehicle maintenance. They may help with chores and honey-do lists. They work alone. As long as the wife needs them to perform tasks, they have something to do, and it feels like a connection. But, again, it’s a shaky foundation. There will come a time when the children are gone, and the need is no longer there. Then, they are left without a relationship. They have a wife that they have avoided for so many years. Now her needs have changed, and the glue that held them together doesn’t stick. They often go out searching for someone else.
Waiting
Most marriages begin more like a parent-child relationship, a child seeks love from a parent, but has no responsibility to return love, nurture, or care. Each sees themselves as the child, and their spouse as the parent. The child loves the parent because the parent loves the child first. Thus, conflict ensues because each is waiting for the other to love first. This is why they cannot get closer, it’s the repelling force of the atom of marriage. If they don’t break up, they may live out their lives waiting, and waiting, never realizing the potential of marriage. They don’t become one, they just live together like the proton and electron, not flying apart, but not joining either. They’re companions, having a bond, but not that of unity.
Marriage is so disappointing. It’s unfulfilling. It’s not a comedy, it’s a tragedy. The boy doesn’t get the girl in the end. It’s Romeo and Juliet. They die, never realizing the unity, love, and wonder of the marriage covenant. This is why divorce is such a tragedy -- the promise of life is broken. Children lose faith, they no longer believe that true love is possible so they begin to look for pleasures in the world, becoming dependent on them, instead of seeking true happiness through unity. Each is waiting for the other to love them. But that’s never going to happen. Each can become distant, bitter, or angry at the other for not fulfilling the expectation of the marriage. “You’re supposed to love me.” “I’m still waiting.” We wait forever. Staying together in an unfulfilled marriage is just as tragic.
“Few there be that find it.”
Some few persist in marriage, growing up, and learning to be unselfish. They learn that marriage isn’t a question of, “Does my wife love me?” but rather, “Do I love her?” Learning to love is the basis of feeling loved, which is why waiting for my wife to love me never works. Unity is achieved not by being loved, but by loving. It only takes one. The husband is the leader, and must have the courage to step out in love. He must be the first to love. He gives his whole heart, accepting her and loving who she is, a daughter of God, a queen, royalty. He understands her strengths and weaknesses, and loves her with all his heart. He isn’t using manipulation to make her do, say, or be anything. He just loves her for who she is. He isn’t looking to feel loved, only to love, to give.
They then begin to have an attraction like the poles of a magnet where they are drawn together, the closer they are, the stronger the pull. The object of life is to become magnets, the man to be the north pole, and the woman to be the south pole. As they become closer, they are more attracted. The attraction is love; we are naturally attracted to those who love us. The closer we are, the more we love, which increases the attraction. It’s magnetic!
We all inherently know that the best that life has to offer is found in a husband and wife becoming one. Every culture, every society, in every time has celebrated marriage as the most important relationship. Indeed, unity is better than all the riches of the Earth. It is more satisfying than any drug, food, or pleasure. It’s the highest achievement in life. It’s the ultimate expression of life. It is truly living.
This is why every story needs the guy to get the girl in the end. It’s the promise of fulfillment of life. A husband and wife who become magnets with opposite poles come together as one -- automatically and magically! The difference between the tragedy of marriage, and a comedy is a simple question. They stop being an atoms soon as they stop hoping to be loved, asking, “Does she love me?” This question becomes impertinent to them as they begin to ask the magnetic question that changes marriage from a tragedy to the ultimate comedy, “Do I love her?”
