The Paradox of Unconditional Love

 Salvation from sin is conditional on repentance. 

Salvation from physical death is conditional on making the covenant of obedience and sacrifice before birth. 

Salvation from spiritual death is conditional on confessing Jesus Christ and being obedient to Him. 

Salvation in any kingdom is dependent on keeping the law of that kingdom. 

If I want anything of the world: food, clothing, toys, money, and so forth, it is all conditional upon my work, earning, giving, doing the will of another so they will pay me for my labor. 

Anything I get is conditional. 

I may get Eternal Life if I am obedient to God, following the path that leads to it. 

The “if” is always there. 

Jesus laid down His life for His friends. (see John 15:13) The condition is to be His friends, to come to Him, believe in Him, obey Him, and to love Him. He loves you unconditionally, but His gifts are all conditional. He suffered for all (D&C 19:16), but only His friends receive all that His suffering purchased.

His love is unconditional, but He allows His children to suffer when they choose the path of suffering. He really does let each choose his own path. He still loves them when they reject Him, so when they suffer He suffers with them. He weeps out of sorrow when they suffer. Perhaps “unconditional” doesn’t mean “guaranteed result.” It may mean the opposite: to love unconditionally is to remain bound to someone whatever they choose, which is what makes the lover able to suffer. The one who loves unconditionally paradoxically lets go of the beloved, but remains with them. The beloved is free to choose, and the lover lets him, no matter what he chooses, but still loves him. The lover desires happiness, peace, and joy for his beloved, but is still there when he chooses to leave. It is completely unselfish, unconditional love. He says, in effect: “I have a blueprint for your happiness, but I don’t force it, I love all you are and all you will be. I will stay with you and suffer with you if you make choices that lead there. I will be there.” 

The paradox centers around the lover preparing, working, and suffering for the beloved unconditionally, while those He loves are given the choice to receive these gifts, or not. Love requires freedom, and freedom allows loss. Love that compelled its outcome would not be love. So the same love that wants the beloved saved must allow the beloved to be lost.

The lover lets go and yet remains. He releases control completely and withdraws his love not at all, where human love tends to hold on to a fantasy or desire for the other and then leave when there is no hope that the beloved will comply. Instead, God supplies a castle with servants and everything anyone could want, but His children refuse, and choose to live homeless, cold, hungry, wretched, and miserable in the street -- and He goes with them. His compassion is the literal definition of the word: to suffer with. 

The greatest power refuses to use power. The one being who could force the result is the one who won’t, so the Almighty weeps. The idea that He who has all power and owns everything would weep over one who chooses not to partake of His goodness fills me with awe and wonder. “Here’s love and grief beyond degree” (Isaac Watts 1674-1748). It is beyond any love imaginable. Enoch was dumbfounded when he saw God weeping over the people who rejected Him. 

And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity? And were it possible that man could number the particles of the earth, yea, millions of earths like this, it would not be a beginning to the number of thy creations; and thy curtains are stretched out still; and yet thou art there, and thy bosom is there; and also thou art just; thou art merciful and kind forever; And thou hast taken Zion to thine own bosom, from all thy creations, from all eternity to all eternity; and naught but peace, justice, and truth is the habitation of thy throne; and mercy shall go before thy face and have no end; how is it thou canst weep?

Moses 7:29-31

God answers that question in stating that these are His children, He loves them, He gave them agency, allowing them to choose, and wants them to choose Him, but they choose Satan instead. He still loves them. The greater the love, the greater the suffering. Conditional love can protect itself by withdrawing when it is rejected, but unconditional love has no exit and must bear whatever the beloved chooses.

That leaves a hard consequence, which is the greatest paradox. The unrepentant will suffer for sins that have already been suffered for. The price was paid in full and for everyone, and it can still go unreceived. The giving was unconditional and universal, the receiving is conditional and particular, and God will not close that gap by force, which is why He weeps.

In the world, we are offered a gift of the love of God, to possess it ourselves. Charity is the pure love of Christ (Moroni 7:47). It is His own unconditional love, given to man as a gift. Like all of His gifts it has a condition: it is bestowed on the true followers of His Son, who pray for it with all the energy of heart (Moroni 7:48). Those who receive it begin to love as He loves. They cannot suffer for the sins of others, as only He could, but they can suffer with them. A parent suffers with a wayward child, not giving him everything he wants, but setting rules and boundaries, and weeping when he refuses them. A spouse continues to love when the marriage is not filling his needs. A friend who chooses a different path is still a friend. Charity “suffereth long” and “endureth all things” (Moroni 7:45). Those who possess it want their beloved to be happy, but they leave him free to choose and do not reject him for his choice. This is what happened to Enoch. When he saw what God saw, his heart swelled wide as eternity, and he wept (Moses 7:41). The paradox of charity is that we don’t have continual joy in unconditional love. To receive the gift of charity is to have a heart that can feel joy, but at the same time it inevitably brings sorrow because a heart can be broken. Those who desire the gift of charity must agree to feel the extremes of joy and sorrow as God does. 

Love is Diversity

Last week I went to visit my son in Virginia. He and his wife moved three thousand miles away because of work. They own a house and have built a life there with friends, but no family. Alex plays tennis and is one of the better players on his teams. He has leadership positions at work, moving up the corporate ladder. We had a lot of time to talk while driving to a tennis match three hours away that was canceled due to rain. When he was younger, he would have been very upset, but now he took it all in stride. He is in the process of installing a beautiful wood floor in his home, something we did in my house when he was young. He and I also did some work around his house, putting up a lamp, getting some shutters, and fixing a shower valve. He was the craftsman and I was his helper. We had a great time, at least I did. 

I loved him as a child. We called him “cutest man” because even as a baby he looked like a little man. He was intense, focused. He knew what he wanted, and we supplied it. When he was a toddler, I would follow him around and point, “Look how cute he is!” My mom would tell me that I was spoiling him, but I didn’t care. 

As a father, I want my children to become adults. I don’t want them to be children forever. Alex grew up. Though I loved his childhood, I am so happy that we are now peers. He will always be my son, but has become my equal, except, perhaps, in experience. His ways are different. He doesn’t do what I would do. He wants different things. He has his own ideas and opinions about politics, economics, God, and man. He is making his own life. I see that in many ways he is a better man than I was at his age. It’s good to be different, that’s what makes being with him so enjoyable. 

As humans we often appreciate sameness, enjoying people who are like us. We even expect our children to be “a chip off the ol’ block.” And we reject those who think and act differently, creating “us” and “them.” God is just the opposite. He doesn’t love us for our sameness; He loves all the ways that we are different from Him. He wants all to come to Him with their unique talents, abilities, thoughts, and ideas. This is how the love of God is different from that of mankind. If you love differences, and everyone is unique, then you love everyone. 

The creeds describe a God whose love is complete within the Trinity, three Persons sharing one nature, one mind, one will. But that is love of the same. Sameness is merely self-love extended. Love is always directed toward someone else. It takes difference to make love real.  To say God "lacks nothing" is true of His power but not true of His love: a being with infinite capacity to love, and no one to love who is not different from Himself, is a being whose love is never actually fulfilled. 

God has no need to create servants, sycophants, or yes-men. He is omnipotent and omniscient and has no need of anything. But also, God is love, and love must have a beloved. He wants children out of His love. Children who are truly loved are meant to become adults with individual personalities. He wants them to grow up and become His peers — beings who are paradoxically like Him and yet profoundly unlike Him, each adding something to His glory that nothing else could add. Their differences are not a flaw in His creation; they are the very point of it. The God who wanted automatons would still be lonely. 

To fulfill His love, God wants His children to know Him. Each would see Him from a different point, each angle revealing a glory the others cannot. John explained that “...when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is.” (1 John 3:2) But “like Him” does not mean a carbon copy, rather it is to have His power, to possess what He has, and to know what He knows. It is to become as God, able “to know good and evil (See Genesis 3:22). To know God is not to be the same, but to love as He loves.

If sameness were a requirement to be in heaven, then Jesus would be the only one there. And this is what Christ came to do: not to be the only One to return, nor to rescue a remnant and leave the rest to burn, but to make possible what God has always wanted — a heaven filled with beings who are not copies of Him, but peers. Each with a face no one else has, adding a glory no one else could. We came to earth to experience evil, but this leaves us unfit to live with God. The need for Christ is that He paid the price to clean us from our sojourn in the dirt of the world. To take advantage of His Atonement, the requirement for salvation is repentance, not to make us the same as Him, but to sacrifice the things of the world and seek Him while retaining our own personality. Because of the atonement of Jesus Christ, heaven will be filled with His children. God is His Father, who becomes our Father -- if we desire. 

God dearly wants everyone but lets them choose, which is the basis of diversity. Though Jesus paid the price for all to be with God, many will not accept His offer. All are given agency to choose to be with God, or not. Jesus said, “Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.” (Matthew 7:14) Few seek the Highest, most are content with a lesser portion. Those few who do find the path of repentance and turn to Christ will be led to the Father and enjoy eternal life with Him. They share His glory, inheriting all that He has. Though it be relatively few of all His creations, God will have some children who grow up to be peers, like their Father. 

My cutest little boy has grown up to become a man. I gave him all I could, and now he makes his own choices. He lives on the opposite coast. He does some things I taught him — flooring, electrical, plumbing, home repairs — and some things he learned from his mother, like tennis. But he has a life I did not plan for him, opinions I didn't give him, a God he has found in his own way. He is not a chip off my block. He is his own block, which may only be colored by mine. And I love him more for it. His unique abilities add to me. My life is greater because he is different from me. If God is anything like a father — and I believe He is — then this is what He wants from all of us: not copies, but children who are grown-up, and independent. 

Justice, Love, and Mercy

God is justice. He is perfectly just. He will never transgress a commandment. He will never excuse sin. He will never wink at a single violation. Nobody ever is let off, not one. He must be just. He will be just. All have gone astray. None are sinless. Everyone is cast out. Each must suffer the consequences of his own guilt. The law does not allow anyone to take it for you; you must pay the price. Nobody gets a pass -- ever -- not one single case. He will stand in judgment of all, and nobody escapes His all-seeing eye. Nothing anyone has done is secret, but all will be brought to light. We are doomed by Him, God, the greatest of all, the Creator of all things. He gave us agency, and then when we make bad choices, He must condemn us to incur the penalty of the broken law. God is perfectly just. “...Now the work of justice could not be destroyed; if so, God would cease to be God.” (Alma 42:13) There is no way out. 

Over the millennia there have been many who have puzzled over how God could be both just and merciful. How can He forgive sins without robbing justice? 

And now, the plan of mercy could not be brought about except an atonement should be made; therefore God himself atoneth for the sins of the world, to bring about the plan of mercy, to appease the demands of justice, that God might be a perfect, just God, and a merciful God also.

Alma 42:15

God made a perfect plan of justice that allows mercy. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) He sent His Son to save the world from the requirements of His laws. The Father is justice, Jesus is mercy. Jesus paid the price for all sin. He is the only One who did not sin, who did not transgress any law. He was the only One who remained innocent. Yet He suffered the pains of a damned soul... “—how sore you know not, how exquisite you know not, yea, how hard to bear you know not. For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all...” (Doctrine and Covenants 19:15-16) 

Justice is a scale that must balance. One side requires that the perpetrator of a crime pay the penalty of the law, the other is the recompense of an injured party. For justice to be complete, all parties must agree that the scales balance perfectly. The punishment for the criminal must fit the crime, and on the other hand, the judge cannot ask the injured party to simply forgive the perpetrator. That would make mercy rob justice. The injured party has a right to payment but may forgive the debt if he wants. The point is that each party is satisfied. 

Jesus innocently suffered the pains of a damned soul. That is not just; it is the only debt ever incurred by perfect justice. Nobody else is sinless: “They are all gone aside, they are all together become filthy: there is none that doeth good, no, not one.” (Psalms 14:3) Only the Lord, Jesus Christ, was truly sinless. It is also essential to note that He did not bring suffering on Himself. He said in the Garden of Gethsemane, “...Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.” (Luke 22:42) If you cause your own suffering, then you owe yourself justice. But in this case, the Father asked the Son to suffer, and He willingly obeyed, just as Abraham placed his promised son on the altar, and Isaac submitted. Because of this, the Father owes a debt to the Son. This is the other side of justice: an injured party has a right to just recompense. He is entitled to demand payment. God must be just, so Jesus can ask for recompense of the suffering He willingly bore at the request of the Father. But, what do you give to someone who has everything, who has created worlds and has all power? The answer is found in His love -- mercy. He asks for us to be forgiven. He pleads our cause before the Judge:

Listen to him who is the advocate with the Father, who is pleading your cause before him—Saying: Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life.

Doctrine and Covenants 45:3-5

 This, I believe, is the most relevant scripture in the entire canon, explaining how mercy does not rob justice (see Alma 42:25), and how the atonement works for man; the reconciliation of justice and mercy through love. Paradoxically, my Advocate does not actually say anything about me. He does not justify my iniquity. He does not even tell the Father that I have repented and that I am now ready to enter the Kingdom. "Pleading [my] cause" is Him pleading for Himself. 

In a court of law, if I have murdered someone, and my lawyer comes before the judge and says, “I’m a great guy and I have suffered pain, so you should let this man go free,” that is not just. However, the pleading of Jesus is not merely that He’s innocent, but that He suffered innocently by the will of the Judge, and deserves recompense for His suffering. It’s only just. On his own, He will return to heaven a Hero, having kept all the commandments of the Father; but He would be the only One. He is pleading justice for Himself by allowing those who believe on His name to come with Him. He loves them, and wants them to be with Him in the kingdom of God. This is His payment for innocent suffering. God, the Father, being just, grants His petition. Isaiah explains how this balances the scales, to the Lord’s satisfaction: 

He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied: by his knowledge shall my righteous servant justify many; for he shall bear their iniquities.

Isaiah 53:11

He is satisfied that all those who love Him will be with Him in heaven. Mercy for us is justice for Him. Justice allows Christ's recompense; Christ's love chooses you as that recompense, which is mercy. 

The stated condition for allowing His brethren into the kingdom is that they “believe on His name.” Those who believe in Him repent of their sins. We receive His mercy on the condition of repentance. It makes sense why repentance is necessary. If you do not come to Christ and repent of your sins, then you are not worthy to enter into the kingdom, being unclean. Thus, the Son cannot recommend you to the Father. “Therefore, according to justice, the plan of redemption could not be brought about, only on conditions of repentance...” (Alma 42:13) Our repentance is to turn away from the things of the world, and turn to God, seeking Him. God loves each one of His children, and pleads with them to repent. And for those who refuse, heaven does not rejoice in their condemnation. God weeps over those who do not repent and must suffer for their own sins. 

But behold, their sins shall be upon the heads of their fathers; Satan shall be their father, and misery shall be their doom; and the whole heavens shall weep over them, even all the workmanship of mine hands; wherefore should not the heavens weep, seeing these shall suffer?

Moses 7:37

He wants every soul to come with Him. His love knows no bounds. He has paid the price of redemption. He has prepared the way for all to be saved. He sent His only begotten Son into the world to pay the price of sin, allowing all to return to Him if they would repent. This is indeed “where justice, love, and mercy meet in harmony divine.” (How Great The Wisdom and the Love, Hymns 195, Eliza R. Snow)

Power is Purpose

We think life is about getting what we want. We work, pray, strive, suffer, and spend our time in search of what we want. Our wants, needs, and desires drive us to act on our own behalf. 

• Hope is the possibility of getting what we want. 
• Joy is getting what we want. 
• Faith is the substance and evidence that we can get what we want. 
• Peace and rest is having what we want. 

But this way of living has no foundation. It is the "great and spacious building" Lehi saw, standing "as it were in the air" (1 Nephi 8:26). We get what we want and only want more. Fulfilled desires bring fleeting joys, and it's never enough. The desires themselves are not the problem; it is good to want love, peace, joy, happiness, and even power. The problem is believing we can fill those needs with the things of the world. An infinite need cannot be filled with a finite object. That is the way of the natural man (Mosiah 3:19), and building on it is building on sand (Matthew 7:26–27).

A Firm Foundation

By nature, we seek to fill our own needs, and we try to fill them with the things of the world. Repentance is turning away from that and turning toward God. This is the "mighty change" of heart the scriptures describe (Alma 5:14; Mosiah 5:2). Our desires don't disappear; they change direction. Instead of seeking what we want, we begin to seek what God wants.

This change is how we discover who we really are. The purpose of life is to discover who we are in eternity: children of God, able to grow up to become like our Father. Part of that discovery is learning how much of His power we can be trusted to hold. We cannot learn this on our own. It happens only as we follow Jesus Christ, which is why the reason for being here on earth now is to accept Him.

“And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters. And under this head ye are made free, and there is no other head whereby ye can be made free. There is no other name given whereby salvation cometh; therefore, I would that ye should take upon you the name of Christ, all you that have entered into the covenant with God that ye should be obedient unto the end of your lives. And it shall come to pass that whosoever doeth this shall be found at the right hand of God, for he shall know the name by which he is called; for he shall be called by the name of Christ.” (Mosiah 5:7-9)

I am a child of God

I have a purpose. A child grows up to become like his father. I can grow up to become like God through Jesus Christ. I can have the creative and directive power of God. I can receive honor and glory beyond what I can understand at this point in life. As well might a baby at his mother’s breast understand his potential to become a man. The purpose of life is to discover who I am, where I fit in the body of Christ, and how much power I am able to wield. God will not give power beyond what I am able to bear because that would become self-destructive. 

I am given power in a limited world where Christ can heal all wounds. This life is a proving ground, a probation, a place where we have limited power to act, constructively or destructively. We have bombs that can destroy the earth, and we call that power, but we don't even control ourselves. We can hurt people, even kill them, but that is a temporary thing. In the world we are on probation to see what we will do with the limited power that is available to us. 

“...it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:39)

Few will have eternal life and exaltation, to have the power of God, with all power and authority to act in any capacity. Everyone else, “almost all men,” will have some sort of limitation on their ability to act. We are given all the power we can be trusted with, as determined by how we handle it on earth. 

The Will to Power

A philosopher named Spinoza who lived in Amsterdam in the 1600’s posited that life was about increase and growth. Two hundred years later Nietzsche, who is famous for the saying, “God is dead,” believed that life was “the will to power.” Spinoza and Nietzsche both understood that life is about increasing, growing, and continuing. We all have “the will to power” but are seeking to use this power to get what we want, going in the wrong direction. The real direction is opposite, meekness. To be meek is to have power, but not use it for your own wants. A meek person carefully takes the ant that just bit him and puts it back in the colony. Nietzsche thought meekness and humility were a betrayal of the will to power; I believe meekness is its fulfillment. 

The real “will to power” is to become “...as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father,” (Mosiah 3:19) which brings a full and complete ability to act -- real power! This is because the power to direct the work of others can be exercised “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile.” (Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-42) They freely give their “heart, might, mind, and strength” to such a one. 

• Hope is the possibility of Eternal Life and Exaltation -- to have the power of God. (see Moroni 7:41)
• Joy is to bring others into Eternal Life. (see D&C 18:15-16)
• Faith is the belief and evidence of becoming perfect in Christ (see Moroni 10:32). 
• Peace and rest is knowing that I am in the hands of a loving, all-powerful God. (see John 14:26-27)

Our purpose is power. We will, in the process of life, discover who we are in relation to God, and how much power we are willing and able to have. The power to do what I want, to use my own brains and brawn, is limited. Real power is the ability to bring others together to accomplish a goal. God has said that His power is His honor (see D&C 29:36) meaning the obedience that others give to Him to accomplish His ends. Honor is power others give freely out of obedience. God's word is His power. He speaks and everything obeys. That is real power, and that is what we can receive to a greater or lesser degree, depending on our faithfulness, humility, meekness, and love. This is our purpose; it is who we are or what we can become. 

Desire and Belief

 In a sense, people believe what they want, or what they desire. I ask people why they go to church, and they say many reasons, social reasons, faith reasons, beliefs. But they all have something to do with what they believe. I think the beliefs are made to fit the desires, not the other way around. Each of the following are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and each has beliefs different than what the Church teaches because of their desires. 

Jonathan: I want to have a girlfriend, I want to feel good. I need an intimate relationship to feel close to someone. My needs are pressing so I believe that everyone is saved if they do what they feel is right, what feels good. 

Mariah: I can’t be married, I don’t think I can do what it takes to be one with my husband so I will choose to believe what fits my desires. I believe that there are no husband-wife special relationships in heaven; instead I believe that we are all one with God. 

Brett: I want to be able to drink alcohol. I don’t believe in the teachings of the Church, instead I believe that the Catholic Church is the true church because they have the authority passed down from the bishop of Rome. 

Logan: I want this life to be all there is, so I don’t believe in God. There is no God. Life randomly happened. Evolution created everything. “God” is the Big Bang! There is no right nor wrong. Everyone just fares according to their talents and abilities. No rules. No reason. No purpose. It all ends in oblivion. 

Lisa: I want to do what I want. I want to play tennis on Sunday. I want to drink alcohol with my friends. I want to drink coffee. I want freedom from the tyranny of a demanding God. I believe that everything is OK as long as you live a good life and don’t hurt other people. 

Hester: My husband died, I have no family, I need a community so I’m going to join the Church. I believe what the Church teaches, even though I don’t know much, because that’s the organization that fills my need for community. 

Mary: I fell in love with a missionary who was teaching me. He is what I want so I believed what he was teaching. I joined the Church so I could be with him, but he didn't want me so I left the Church. I didn't get what I wanted. 

Defending Beliefs

Ultimately, if we desire things that are not of God, then we must change our beliefs according to our desires. People believe strange things. They don’t scrutinize or examine their beliefs closely. A person can believe anything without any evidence. People believe God wants them to be happy in sin. They believe life could have come from a “primordial soup” through spontaneous generation. They believe that God could be permissive and anxious to give them what they want. Beliefs justify desires. 

Telling people about their irrational beliefs is an exercise in futility, or worse -- enmity. When I point out any inconsistencies in the beliefs of others, they do not see it, do not believe me, or they get angry. They don’t want to know. They are only looking for confirmation of what they believe, and they will accept any doctrine, teaching, or rumor, no matter how improbable, that seems to support their beliefs. But, they will fight to the death to defend those same beliefs. 

My Own Heart

I wonder if my beliefs change according to my desires. Do I believe what is true, or do I believe according to my own desires and then seek confirmation of what I believe? I would be living with confirmation bias instead of seeking truth that would change my beliefs. What do I desire?

I desire to know truth. If something isn’t true then it’s a lie, and lies are useless, or cause damage. I am more inclined to let people live in their lies, but I want to know their beliefs so I can see if there is any truth there.  I weigh them, analyze them, seek evidence for them, and incorporate the truth into my beliefs, spending lots of thought on how they fit, and then eschew what I see as untenable. I assume that any who are also looking for truth would ask me what I believe and do the same. It's not that everyone comes to the same belief, but rather coming to many points-of-view or understanding of truth. I desire to know truth, and I want to know what others know. 

I desire to know God. In 1975, when I was 11 yeas old, I went with the Boy Scouts on a 50-mile hike in the High Sierras on the John Muir trail. After four days of hiking up the mountain, the evening before hiking over Glen Pass we camped near a lake above the tree line. I went off by myself to the other side of the lake and climbed up on some rocks, looking back toward camp, and looked up at the trail going over the pass between two snow-packed peaks that we would need to traverse the next day. The whole area was granite rock. The sun was low. The peaks were shining back the light from their steep snow-covered slopes. The lake was glassy, reflecting. the scene above them. The air was crisp and clean. There was a transcendent beauty that touched my soul. I knew there was a God. He showed Himself to me that afternoon. I don't know how I knew, I just knew. I don't know what about the experience gave me that knowledge, but it wasn't an "I believe" experience, but rather "I know." 

Since that time I have sought to know Him better. In fifty years I have come a long way. I'm still seeking. I realize that all I know about God is a tiny fraction of what there is to know. I understand that every person can reveal something about God because we are children of God. I know a few thousand... only nine billion left! :) I know there are teachings about Him that are true, and those that are false. I do not trust the judgment of others but take what they are teaching and try to understand how that reveals God to me. I am sure Joseph Smith, Jr. was a prophet of God and knew a lot more than he said. He had what I want. I believe St. Francis also knew God, as did the prophets and apostles of the Bible and Book of Mormon. There have been people in the world who have had what I seek: to know God. These are my mentors. 

The noetic experience comes rarely, with years in between, occasionally confirming the road I’m on. Writing in my journal and receiving inspiration. Watching a movie in the back of the car with my son. Reading a book and gaining understanding. Hearing a talk that changes my thinking. Praying. Reading scripture. I am always seeking Him, but most of the time I do not have that connection. Occasionally, the light goes on and God reveals Himself to me, not when I demand, want, or need it, but when I’m doing other things, living my life, not expecting anything. I receive confirmation of my desires. 

Desire --> Belief --> Action

Ultimately, no matter who it is, the underlying reason for belief is to allow me to get what I want. Everyone is there. I seek to know God so I believe in Him. I only want to know truth because anything that isn’t true is useless, at best. Because I desire these things I believe in God and ultimate truth so I seek them. My desires determine my beliefs just like everyone else. It isn’t different for me. There are not different kinds of people. Everyone is the same: we see what we believe, and we believe according to our desires. Everyone has confirmation bias. It’s the rule, not the exception. For one seeking truth they will change false beliefs when they discover a truth because that’s what they desire. Those who are seeking other things will also change according to their desires, but true or false may be irrelevant for them to get what they want. 

Jesus called it the heart. We can know what is in our hearts by what we want, desire, need, seek, hoard, or treasure: 

    For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. (Matthew 6:21)

It is the heart that determines what we believe. We can believe anything that would seem to give us what we want, our treasure. Desires determine beliefs, and beliefs lead to actions. The difference is, those who desire God, or truth, are on a path that leads to Him, happiness, peace, joy, and eternal life. Every other desire leads to destruction. 

Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. (Matthew 7:13-14)

Seek and ye shall find

Those who find it are the few who are looking for it. They look for it because that is what they want, it is what they seek. It’s what they love. 

    I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me. (Proverbs 8:17)

There is a difference. While it is true that everyone is subject to confirmation bias, we all find what we are seeking, yet what we seek is essential. Seeking eternal life is very different from seeking money, sex, or the comforts of the flesh. The path of life may require the sacrifice of those comforts. There will be confirmations along the way that the path is leading to eternal life. That is the way, and there is no other way. Those on other paths will also receive confirmation as they have comforts of the world. The confirmation is about the path you are on, not that you are on the path of eternal life. You cannot receive confirmation of a road you do not traverse. What we desire is so important. Our desires lead us to a place in the end because of what we believe. We act on those beliefs and show what we are, the treasure of our hearts. 

Conflicting Desires

It’s not so simple that we desire one or the other. Within each person are two conflicting desires. The heart doesn’t just seek a single thing, there are lots of things the heart wants. It wants all the things of God. It wants to be good. It wants happiness, peace, and joy. However, it also has physical desires, food, clothing, shelter, power, to be loved, honor, and glory. It’s like the story of The Two Wolves: 

An old Cherokee grandfather is teaching his grandson about life. He says, "A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight, and it is between two wolves. One wolf is evil—he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good—he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person too."

The grandson thinks about it for a moment and then asks, "Which wolf will win?"

The old man simply replies, "The one you feed."

So the bottom-line of the heart is that either the spiritual desires will dominate, or the temporal desires. That is the choice of life. If we choose to feed the temporal desires we must sacrifice the spiritual, and vice versa. People will deceive themselves that they can have both by changing their beliefs. They will tell themselves that they will seek the world for now, and then seek God once they have gotten all they want from the world. Or, they will believe that God is merciful and will give them a pass because they had such important needs of the flesh. Some will completely shut down the spiritual desires, believing there is no God so they can continue in the pleasures of the flesh. Thus, they change their beliefs to fit their desires. 

Singleness of Heart

The resolution of the “two wolves” is singleness of heart. The wolf that wins is the only one left to determine what a person believes, when the heart only has one desire. Most kill the desire for God and only have desires of the world. Few sacrifice the desires for the world and only have a desire to know God. When God is the one desire, and all others are subordinated to Him, we have “an eye single to the glory of God.” We are one. We have “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” This is “a mighty change of heart.” The change is to no longer desire the things of the world, and the honors of men, but to only desire the things of God. 

Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Why is it that ye murmur among yourselves, saying, We cannot obey thy word because ye have not all these things, and seek to excuse yourselves, saying that, After all these things do the Gentiles seek. Behold, I say unto you, that your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. Wherefore, seek not the things of this world but seek ye first to build up the kingdom of God, and to establish his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you. (JST Matthew 6:35-38)

The temptation is to seek the things of the world first, and then work on the things of the Spirit. Jesus is saying not to give in to that temptation. Seek God first, trust in Him that He will supply what you need of the world. It will require sacrifices. Many who are of the world must sacrifice all for the kingdom of God. 

The Sacrifice is Real 

The father of king Lamoni in the Book of Mormon offered Ammon half his kingdom to spare his life. However, when Aaron began to teach him the gospel, he said he would give up his entire kingdom. His desire was to know God, so he believed in the words of Aaron, and was willing to give up all that he had for this desire.

And it came to pass that after Aaron had expounded these things unto him, the king said: What shall I do that I may have this eternal life of which thou hast spoken? Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I may not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy. (Alma 22:15)

This king did sacrifice his kingdom and all that he possessed. He had to leave behind all he had and became a refugee among the Nephites. The sacrifice is real. Those whose desires are of the world, who go to church so God will give them what they want still have a worldly heart. There are great churches with tens of thousands attending every week because they tell people what they want to hear that is of the world. People think this is the way to have both, for me to “ask, and ye shall receive.” They are told to ask for money, property, and the glory of the world. They can pretend to be both of God and of the world by asking Him for the things of the world, they can have it all. This is foolish, and it is a lie. Their heart is single to wickedness. They believe. They believe that God will give them what they want. They believe it with all their heart. They believe what they desire, then they act on that belief. The pure in heart of God do not seek the glory of man, but sacrifice it -- all of it -- like the king of the Lamanites. 

We sacrifice for our beliefs. We believe according to our desires. The sacrifice of all things of the world to know God, like Abraham, leads to a mighty change of heart, a pure heart, with an eye single to the glory of God. Ultimately, we either sacrifice the desire for God, or the desire for the world. 

Belief is not truth

What we believe is essential because that determines what we do. However, beliefs don’t change without a change of heart, a change in what we desire. People must be taught the truth of the gospel to wake up that desire in them. Those who believe the gospel of Jesus Christ will then act on that and sacrifice the wicked wolf. They will give up the world for their belief. They will see that all they believed before was not true. God is just -- and merciful to those who repent. The things of the world are temporary, and I want what is forever, or eternal. Jesus Christ is the way, the truth, and the life. Only those who desire eternal life are going to believe, and then seek, and find the path. It’s not what you believe that is most important, it’s what you want. 

Spiritual Intelligence

 Humility

Humility is spiritual intelligence. 

The more intelligent one is, the faster they understand concepts. 

The more humble one is, the faster they can grasp spiritual things. 

I am stuck in the world, wanting the things of the world, spending my time on getting money and what I wanted. It was all about me and my wants, needs, and desires. That has been my world. The change for me does not come easily. It has taken me many years and lots of hardship, from my point-of-view, to begin to think about the things of God. I didn’t know I needed Jesus for salvation because I was looking at salvation from a temporal perspective: money, sex, the honors of men. Those were my salvation. That is what I desire, deep in my heart. 

Money

I worked hard for money. I would work. I would be in a profession where I am paid well. I would have plenty of money so I could have peace. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything. I would be content. I would have security. I would trust in the money to get me what I wanted in life, including all the other desires of my heart. I use the laws of God to get the things of the world. I pay tithing so the Lord would bless me with money. I am so completely corrupt! 

Honor

I was brilliant and nice to others so I could receive their accolades. I studied hard. I was going to be the best doctor. I was going to heal. I would be like Jesus: to heal the sick, raise the dead, cause the blind to see, and the lame to walk. I would be world-renowned. People would come to me for healing. I wasn’t like those other doctors who just follow protocols, but rather would take each individual and find answers to their problems. They would get better. I would get glory. My own glory. I would be honored. People would acknowledge my superiority. I would ask the Lord to glorify me with the gift of healing. 

Sex

I would do my wife’s bidding for sex. “Women give sex for love, and men give love for sex.” “Happy wife, happy life.” I would make my wife happy by giving her money. She would love me. She would give me what I want. I would find fulfillment. I would not be lonely. I would feel connected. She would be the heart of my home. She would honor me. I would use the laws of God to assume that I would get all I want. I would postpone sexual intimacy for marriage, and then assume I deserved, merited, or had a right to daily sex with my wife. I am entitled by my piety. I would take care of her so I could get what I want. 

Religion

In my thoroughly corrupt state, everything revolves around getting my needs filled. I would use people to get what I want, and I would use God to get what I want. People go to church to get what they want. People join a religion to get what they want. Religion is corrupt. It isn’t about discovering and doing the will of God, but rather getting the things of the world, in the name of God. “The natural man is an enemy to God.” All the people who are enemies of God are going to church, why? To have faith that the Lord will give them what they want. To have hope in the things of the world. To love God because they believe with all their hearts that He will fill their needs. To be dependent on God for the things they want of the earth. The “successful” pastors tell people what they want to hear. They build big churches with thousands coming every week to hear a message that God will give them the things of the world that they want and need. Likewise, people leave the church, and religion, for the same reason: it’s not filling my needs. The whole thing is corrupt. “They have all gone astray. None doeth good, no not one.” 

Dumb-Ass

I am not spiritually intelligent. I am a dumb-ass, in the real sense of that world. The ass is dumb because it is not obedient. It goes its own way, pushing against the master, being stubborn and hard. I wandered in the desert for decades, trying to get my own needs filled, crying to the Lord to give me what I wanted like a 2-year-old child wanting a cookie. The Lord has been kind to me. He actually gave me cookies, and let me see that it wasn’t satisfying. 

Most of the people I know are not humble. It is a rare trait. They come to God under the same terms I do -- to get what they want. Humility is so rare. It is so rare in my world. I don’t see it anywhere. Everyone is clamoring for “the great and spacious building” and nobody is seeking “the tree of life.” Nobody wants to hold the iron rod through the desert. Most never have a change of heart, always desiring the things of the world, always struggling with their own will against the will of God. They are not “easy to be entreated” by the Spirit of God. They remain spiritual children, dependent and rebellious. They are sad for not getting their needs filled so they turn to Him for solace. They are told He will give them all they desire of Him. “Ask, and ye shall receive.” They assume that applies to the things of the world. 

Humility

There are those who are spiritually intelligent. In the Book of Mormon, King Lamoni and His family were all super intelligent. His father said it best: “I will give away all my sins to know thee.” And he did. He was willing to give half his kingdom to spare his own life when threatened by the sword of Ammon, but was willing to give up his whole kingdom to know God, and he did. He made that sacrifice. All of his people were willing to lay down their weapons and be slaughtered, making the ultimate sacrifice of the world. They were all spiritually intelligent because they changed quickly and completely. This is spiritual intelligence. They got it quickly and changed completely. Later, we are told that all of them remained true and “never did fall away.” 

The reason I have wandered so long in the wilderness of Sinai, a barren wasteland with nothing to offer, is because I am not humble. I do not have spiritual intelligence. I am not just ignorant, but my heart is not in the right place. I don't get it. I did not get a mighty change of heart like Alma, Alma the elder, King Lamoni, and the people of Ammon because my heart was groping for the great and spacious building all the time I was supposedly “seeking the Lord.” 

Pure in Heart

My heart still isn’t changed. I tell myself it’s getting there, but I do not have a pure heart. My heart still desires the things of the world, the exact same things I have battled all my life. I must work against my own desires. I put off the natural man, but he’s still there in my heart, still wanting the things of the world, still seeking money, still desiring sexual fulfillment, and still working for the honors of men. I have hope that some day my heart will get it. Not that I will be spiritually intelligent, not that I will have humility, it’s already too late for that. I didn’t get it quickly. The fact is, I’m not spiritually intelligent. I’m in my later years, and I still don’t have a pure heart that only wants the things of God. My desires are changing, I like to think; I am mostly seeking my desires of eternity, but deep-down I suppress the same desires of the world. Dumb!

I lament my stupidity. I envy the intelligence of Paul, who turned quickly to the Lord and suffered His will in all things. I envy the Lamanites, whose hearts were changed in an instant because they were so spiritually intelligent. I am not intelligent. I am slow. Retarded. I takes me a long time because I am not “easy to be entreated.” After 40 years of wandering in the desert, I’m still in the same place. My heart holds on for the world and all that is in it. Stupid! 

What Comes After Stupid

More analysis. More tracking progress. More self-reflection. More selfishness. The one who is truly humble is just changed, different, having a pure heart, not thinking about himself, his wants, his needs, his desires -- these aren’t a part of his vocabulary. Just the fact that I can see what I am, see into the corruption in my heart, and tell myself I'm getting better, is evidence that I don't have humility. I tell myself... what? That I'm getting humble? Ha! I still am not intelligent. When people with low IQ scores are interviewed, they see themselves as more intelligent than others. Everyone considers himself above average! I'm so humble because I can articulate my pride, haughtiness, and rebellious heart. What an oxymoron! The fact that I’m selfishly thinking of myself, the fact that my heart still desires the things of the world, is so much evidence that I’m not spiritually intelligent, and I have no way out of such a box. I am born with my spiritual IQ, and I will die with it. I could be the publican who beats his chest and says, “have mercy on me, a sinner!” but that leaves me in the same selfish place. I’m lost!

The Way

There is one way out. Jesus. He is the way. I would have the gift of charity, which “seeketh not her own.” Forget myself. Stop the introspection. Not even so much as looking up to God, but bow my head in my filthiness. It would take a miracle. The people of King Benjamin saw that miracle. Their hearts were changed completely to where they had “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” If that is my desire, then I must pray as the people of King Benjamin, “And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. And they all cried aloud with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified; for we believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who created heaven and earth, and all things; who shall come down among the children of men.” (Mosiah 4:2) Jesus is the way, and there is no other way. I’ll never be spiritually intelligent, but He can make up for my low IQ. I need a miracle. 

The Path of Unity with God

As I move along the path closer to the Lord, I get sucked in.

He sucks me in.

I get enveloped.

I am being taken over.

I am getting lost.

I am dying the death.

It is a long, slow demise.

I am losing the battle of autonomy.

I am becoming part of Him.

I gradually die, one cell at a time.

I am afraid of losing myself.

I fear getting lost.

I will be annihilated!

 

I move forward in spite of fear.

I feel His love.

I am in awe that He wants me.

I am nothing compared to Him.

I am a single cell in His body.

I am just a little ant in an anthill in the middle of the desert.

He loves me first.

He suffers for me.

He sacrifices for me.

He controls the path.

I acquiesce.

 

I follow Him into the depths of humility.

I am not afraid.

I know Him.

I trust Him.

I love Him.

I desire to be one with Him.

I willingly give all to Him.

There is no fear in love.

I make the sacrifice of a broken heart.

I have a contrite spirit.

I let go.

I go willingly like a lamb to the slaughter.

I offer my whole soul as an offering unto Him.

I sacrifice my very self.

I give up.

I bestow my whole heart to Him.

I give in.

 

I cannot even keep a small portion of what is “me.”

I am lost.

I won’t hold back any part of me.

I give up everything to Him.

I let go of my will.

I release my heart.

I give up all my desires.

All that I need for life is sacrificed.

It is like death.

He takes it all.

All.

ALL!

 

He takes me into Himself.

He makes me a part of Him.

I am no longer “I” but “We.”

I no longer have a separate existence.

I am He.

I only exist in Him.

I am simply a branch on the Vine.

I cannot exist without Him.

I am completely enveloped by Him.

I am nothing.

Unity is all-encompassing.

I am no longer me.

I am dependent on Him.

It feels like I will be gone.

 

Then, a miracle!

I am still me!

I have not changed.

My parts are mine, and His.

I am alive.

I live.

I know.

I am known.

I am known completely.

I exist.

Nothing is lost.

I am complete in Him.

I am fulfilled because He knows me.

He knows all of me.

He takes all of me.

He loves all of me.

I am loved. 

 

Oh, what joy!

Happiness is so filling and fulfilling!

He is love!

He is full of grace!

He is mercy!

He has charity -- pure love!

I have pure love!

Oh, it is wonderful!

It is more awesome than can be imagined from the outside!

Ecstasy!

Nirvana!

 

I am part of something greater than all the Universe.

My being is bigger than me.

I am more than I am.

I exist in Him.

I live in Him.

I grow with Him.

I am one with Him.

We are many.

We are one.

We are infinite unity.

We grow forever.

We live forever.

We are living and increasing.

We have eternal life.

 

And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.

                        John 17:3

 

I know Him.

I am in Him.

I am part of Him.

I am one with Him.

I am He.

I am infinite.

 

He is power.

He is might.

He is dominion.

He is glory.

His strength is my strength.

 

He is my Father.

He protects.

He protects from harm.

He protects from evil.

He protects from misery.

He protects from loss.

In Him there is safety.

In Him there is peace.

 

He provides.

He provides all I need.

He provides nourishment.

He provides knowledge.

He gives good gifts.

He provides light.

He provides glory.

He provides wisdom.

He provides love.

He provides oneness and unity.

I am one with all that exists.

We are one.

 

Neither pray I for these alone, but for them also which shall believe on me through their word; That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me. And the glory which thou gavest me I have given them; that they may be one, even as we are one: I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one; and that the world may know that thou hast sent me, and hast loved them, as thou hast loved me. Father, I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am; that they may behold my glory, which thou hast given me: for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world. O righteous Father, the world hath not known thee: but I have known thee, and these have known that thou hast sent me. And I have declared unto them thy name, and will declare it: that the love wherewith thou hast loved me may be in them, and I in them.

                        John 17:20-26