The 3 Principles of "Happily Ever After"

Most of our fairy tales and love stories include a couple that falls in love and lives "happily ever after."  We feel slighted if we don't get such closure in a story.  We know love is important, but the stories don't always teach the true principles of what it takes to achieve that end.  The basis of a relationship is often looks.  When their eyes meet across the room and they instantly know it's love.  They didn't have to work at this love, it just happened.  When we are dating, looking for a mate, we often expect that love will just happen as we traverse the crowd of singles.  A glance, a smile, just having that look is what we seek.

It's common for single men and women in their thirties to wonder why they aren't married.  They often want to get married, but never fall in love because they don't need anyone.  Those needs are often filled by friends, roommates, classmates, and an endless stream of boyfriends, and girlfriends, all of whom are interesting, but who don't seem to have chemistry.  Since they don't need anyone, they will not "fall in love" with anyone.  Love, at least the immature love of cathexis or infatuation, is based on a belief that a person could fill your needs.

But reality is way different; true love is actually based on principles that we can learn and practice.  Rather than leaving everything to chance, there is a good way to seek a mate that will almost assure a "happily ever after!"  There are three things that are most important in this endeavor, that far outweigh "falling in love."  These are simple, easy to learn, and available to everyone.  They are no mystery.

1. Have the same goals
2. Respect and admire their character
3. Enjoy their company

All three are essential to having a great relationship.  If you find an excellent person with matching goals and great character, but with an annoying personality any kind of relationship would be a struggle.  If you have the same goals, but do not have character to reach them, then the relationship will not work.  If you both have excellent character and enjoy each other's company, but have different goals you will only grow further apart as you progress towards your individual goals.

Goals
When we are dating we think it's so important that we like the same things and are able to "finish each other's sandwiches," enjoy the same restaurants or movies, have the same workout routine, or have the same hobbies.  This is much less important than knowing your own ultimate desires, as well as his or hers.  Those who start a relationship with a lot in common, but have divergent goals will move further apart and end up separated, emotionally or physically -- or both.

The first thing to consider is the goals of your love interest.  The best match are those who have the same goals, who are headed in the same direction, and want to be in the same place.  The two of you could be worlds apart now, but if you have the same goals you have a good chance of coming together.  On the other hand, having a lot in common, except your ultimate goals, is a recipe for disaster.  This is why those who are of the same religion make a better match.

Some very important goals right now, may not be so important later.  A young person may be focused on education and building an income, for example.  It is common to assume that because a couple is in agreement on these, they are compatible.  This, however, may change.  Another common issue is a desire for children.  Some may desire to have a large family, but while it's important to have some compatibility in this, we don't always know if we are able to have children.  Thus, the important goals to look for aren't just what we want out of life, but rather ultimate goals.

When I was thrown into the dating scene at the old age of 47 I was overwhelmed by the plethora of options.  I didn't know what to do!  I could end up with a younger woman and start a family all over again, or someone with multiple children, or anything in between!  I wasn't sure how to choose, or what to do to begin.  One day I was with a friend who lost her husband, and we were discussing eternal things.  She had been going to the Temple every week while her husband was sick to help her keep in touch with God.  A light went on at this point, because this is exactly what I was doing while going through my divorce.  Over a short time I realized that she had the same ultimate focus that I did -- we had the same goals.  We have been married for over four years and it just keeps getting better as we come closer to each other because we are striving to reach our mutual goals.

The way to know our own goals, or those of others is to ask:

• What do you love more than anything?
• What do you have your heart set on?
• What are your basic needs?
• What are your deepest desires?
• What is really important to you?
• What would you sacrifice everything else in the world for?
• What would you die for?
• What do you live for?

The answer to these questions will reveal our ultimate goals.  Many people don't even know their own true answer because their heart is hidden from themselves.  Thus, it may take a period of observation to see what the other person sacrifices for to understand their deepest desires.  This is the work of dating.

Character
Rather than looking for physical attraction, or that "je ne sais quoi" we need to consider the character of the individual.  The belief that another could fill your needs would be wrong if he or she doesn't have character.  In the movie Into the Woods, Cinderella marries Prince Charming and finds out he's been unfaithful to her.  When she confronts him, he replies, "I was raised to be charming, not sincere!"  He only thought of his own needs.  He wasn't able to truly love because his selfish nature wouldn't allow him to keep his promises.  How many couples end up in this situation!  This is the importance of knowing the character of the person you might consider marrying.

Being a good judge of character requires you to get to know a person.  We don't automatically know what a person is made of, we must watch them closely in a variety of situations.  Stress is the best way to judge character.  One of my friends was on a surfing date in Mexico with her boyfriend.  They went into a gas station and came out just in time to watch the truck with all of their stuff get stolen.  Her date watched his new pickup with his favorite surfboards speed off into the dusty Baja desert for a minute before he turned to her and said, "Well, I guess we need to find another way home!"  She was so impressed with his composure under such stress that she decided then and there she wanted to marry him.  They've been happily married for 20 years.

Signs of good character include:

• Keeping commitments 
• Continuously learning
• Unselfishness
• Lack of addictions
• Grace
• Cares for his/her own health
• Forgiving
• Happy
• Clean and organized
• Not easily provoked to anger
• Loyalty/faithfulness
• Courage

It's not that one would have to be perfect in all of these categories, nobody is, rather it is important to understand them and decide which are most important to you.  Character is the foundation of trust, which is essential to love.  If there is a certain character trait you admire, then that is important to you so that is the one you start with.

Enjoyment
The last, but probably no less important, is to find some one you enjoy being with.  A friend you can talk with, and have fun together is essential to building a relationship.  Having someone who has great character, and shares the same goals, but you don't enjoy their company may not form a great relationship.  There needs to be some form of "chemistry" that brings enjoyment.  Someone you might be friends with no matter what.

It's important to understand that we don't always like, or want to be with any one individual.  There will be times that it will be necessary to be apart, but when you come back together you will still enjoy the other's company.  It isn't necessary to second-guess yourself if you want other friends, or have other interests that don't include your spouse.  The important thing is that you enjoy the company of your significant other.

The Dating Game
Knowing these three principles can open up a whole new world of possibilities -- and impossibilities -- for dating.  We fall in love when we believe that the other will be able to fill our needs.  This belief doesn't have to be a mystery, or out of our control.  We can decide to fall in love when we know that our intended one has the qualities that truly can fill the need.  Knowing the goals, and character of one we enjoy being with will assure that love will not only happen, but will be lasting and continuously growing.  This knowledge puts us in control of our love life!

Don't leave love to chance.  Knowing what we're looking for will change the odds dramatically of successfully finding a "soul mate."  After all, what is a soul mate if it isn't someone we respect, admire, share the same goals, and enjoy being with?  This is the person that truly can fill our deepest need, that of a connection, or becoming one.  Unity of heart is the end result of following these three principles, which is "true love" and leads to our own "happily ever after."

Glory!

I have pondered on the definition of the word "glory."  It is respect, admiration, power, and love.  The more people love us, the more glory we have.  Love is what we give to others, the sacrifices we make for their benefit, and glory is the love others give to us, giving their will.  Love is what we give, glory is what we receive when people submit to us.

Give God the glory
To love God is to give Him glory.  This is done through obedience to His will.  When we say in our hearts, "not my will, but thine, be done," we are giving Him glory by making a sacrifice of our own will.

The Great Jehovah was in the pre-mortal worlds  when two plans were presented for the benefit of mankind, the spirit children of God.  Lucifer had a plan to glorify himself by forcing all to go through mortality completely obedient and return to God unscathed.  All would be required to sacrifice their will to him, and Lucifer would be above all.  God had a very different plan that allowed all to choose who they were going to follow.  Jehovah followed God, and agreed to be the example and sacrifice Himself so everyone else could choose to follow Him.  He submitted to the will of God, giving Him the glory.

Since we are given freedom, mistakes would be made.  All of God's children chose to "take the forbidden fruit" -- except for Jehovah -- and are cast out of Heaven.  Those who made a covenant with God to obey Him were sent to Earth, those who didn't were cast into hell as evil spirits.  The covenant allows God to give us a gift of a physical body since we pledge: "if you will give me a body, I will only use it for Thy purposes."  Everyone who comes to Earth and is born into a body has made this covenant, because those who refused remain spirits forever, never possessing a physical body.  Jehovah never took the fruit, but rather came to Earth of His own accord, with the same promise to be obedient to our Father in Heaven.

The problem is, when we get to Earth, we totally forget our former life, and the covenant we made.  Our bodies are wonderful instruments, that feel, taste, smell, see, and hear all that is in the physical world.  We have emotions and brains.  We can manipulate our physical environment, doing all sorts of wonderful things -- building, dancing, writing, singing, learning, and growing continually.  The greatest of all, is that we can love, touch, and feel another.  It's so easy to get so involved in the wonder of our bodies to forget about where we came from, why we're here, and where we're going when our mortal life is through.  Most people are just trying to get their needs filled, or the desires of their heart, assuming that God wants what they want -- "God wants me to be happy, and this makes me happy..." is the mantra of the day.

Jesus is our Example
In order to give God the glory, we would have to do as Jesus did: "Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done." (Luke 22:42)  He did not want to suffer in the Garden or on the Cross, but He was willing to go through it in order to glorify God.  Because of what He did we can also give up our own will and be obedient to the will of God, glorifying Him.

The process of subjecting our will to the will of God is often long and difficult.  It requires  the same four steps that all improvement requires:

1. A goal.
2. A plan.
3. A commitment.
4. A sacrifice.

There is no way to improve anything without going through these steps, it doesn't happen randomly.  There is always a goal, always a plan, always a commitment, and always a sacrifice.

The Goal is Eternal Life
Life is growth.  That means we can continuously be growing forever, reaching levels of knowledge, wisdom, power, and love that we cannot even imagine now.  Those who remain inside themselves, continually seeking their own desires are choosing death.  Their foundation is their own heart, what they want.  However, those who want to live get outside of themselves, put aside their own needs, and look for a Mentor to guide them on paths they don't know.

The Plan is the Plan of Salvation
The Plan of Happiness is the same one given by our Father in Heaven before the world was created.  There is only one plan.  The path is strait and narrow.  It is very specific.  It is simple: give up what you want, your deepest, heartfelt desires, and accept the will of God.  That's it.  It's simple.  However, it is quite a process to do.  We must be able to know the will of God, which is a difficult learning experience because, "My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord." (Isaiah 55:8)  So, the process of learning the thoughts and ways of God is a long and difficult one.  It may take a lifetime, or more.  All of the parts of the plan center around learning and doing the will of God.

The Commitment is Baptism
Baptism symbolizes the death of the body, and re-birth of us into the will of God.  This is the same covenant we made in Heaven before we came to Earth, but there is a difference.  The covenant there was made in the spirit to God in His presence.  Thus, the spirit is already subject to God.  On Earth, the covenant is made with the body.  Baptism must be done in the body, in the flesh, in the physical world, in physical water in order to be valid.  In doing so, we promise our body to God, subjecting the flesh to the spirit, and becoming one.

The Sacrifice is the Heart
The symbolism of the heart is our deepest desires, the motivation for life, and all we do.  Everything we think, like, say, and do has a basis in the heart.  That which we love must be sacrificed in order to do the will of God.  It feels like death.  This is a "broken heart, and a contrite spirit," both of which are required to follow the plan.  God will not take our heart from us, it must be a willing sacrifice.  This fourth step is exemplified in the following scripture:

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father." (Mosiah 3:19)

Glory to God
When we go through these steps, and take upon ourselves the name of Christ by doing as He did, submitting to the will of God, we glorify God.  When we help others follow these same steps we also glorify God.  We love God by doing His will, giving Him the glory.  In doing so, we receive His glory.  As Christ is glorified by God, so will all those who follow Him.  Our greatest glory is His glory, for we receive all that He has.  Love is what you give to others; glory is what you get when others love you.  The ultimate glory, then is to be loved by God.  When God introduced Jesus Christ to the Nephites, He said, "Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name..." (3 Nephi 11:7)  This kind of has a new meaning, doesn't it?