How to Overcome Addictions

The word addict is thrown around a lot these days. It seems everyone is addicted to something. People aren’t only addicted to substances like drugs, they are addicted to people, things, and experiences. Some accuse others of being addicted to their own adrenaline. Is there no end to the possibilities of addiction?

Dictionary definitions don’t tell the complete story. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says:

Addiction (noun) – A compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence.

While this defines the word, it does not go far enough. As a medical doctor dealing with all sorts of health issues, it seems to me that there is more to addiction than habit-forming substances and getting withdrawal symptoms. I think there is much more. Let’s take that definition and revise it more generally. After removing all the fluff, we get:

Addiction is a need.

However, we also must consider what is a need. “Need” has an inherent “for what?” attached. You can’t just need. There must be a purpose in a need. “I need to eat so I can live.” Does that mean I’m addicted to food? Perhaps we can add just one thing to it: 

Addiction is a need that causes harm.

The Need is the Problem 

People who need people are not “the luckiest people in the world.” They are addicted to people. When I was very young, around eight years old, I realized that my parents and brothers could not fill my needs for connection, love, and companionship. I specifically thought about my needs and knew I would have to wait to get that need filled. I was a patient little boy! I looked around and listened, and decided that marriage would fill that need. Other people said it worked for them, so I waited. Fast forward twenty years, I got married, and was shocked that my wife was also unable to fill that need. I didn’t know what to do. I was lost. Without thinking about it I kept trying. It was like trying to fit the square peg in the round hole (her words). I have a need, a hole in my heart that must be filled, but I don’t understand that my childhood assumption is not working. I tried really hard for twenty years, but ended up divorced.

Then, with some hope, I married again, and found that my second wife also wasn’t able to fill the need, but I kept trying – doing the same things that didn’t work the first time. My addiction destroyed my relationships. My need has caused harm to my marriage, my children, and myself. After a long time, I realized that the need is the problem!

So, I looked around and saw this problem everywhere: 

People who need money get addicted to cheating, stealing, and gambling.

People who need a substance to feel good get addicted to drugs, caffeine, alcohol, prescriptions. And so forth.

Food is likely the most common addiction. People eat to feel better but eating only briefly raises dopamine levels so they become addicted, and become obese in the process. They get calorie toxicity that manifests as metabolic syndrome (high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and high blood sugar with central obesity) or diabetes, among many other health problems. “When you’re not feeling your best, you might crave comfort foods, like sweets, fried foods, or processed foods. These are often high in salt, saturated fat, and sugar, which can lead to illness over time.”

But this addiction can even take on the façade of “good.” Orthorexia is a term used for people who must eat good food all the time. They get anxious if there is any “junk food” around.

Some people take on all sorts of obsessions to ally their fears and calm their hearts. Some exercise, others have orthorexia, still others are focused on avoiding toxins. It’s not that these are injurious, necessarily, but rather they take their focus away from things that are important, like dealing with their problems. In this sense it is little different from drowning your sorrows in alcohol.

Needing comfort also creates addictions. It seems that just about everyone could be addicted to something because of a need that is not being filled.

SUFFERING 

There is a need in the heart, a yearning, a longing. Anything in the world that people find to fill that need can become an addiction. It is literally trying to use a short-term solution to fill a long-term need. Sometimes the need is for comfort, to relieve suffering, which can come in many forms:

• Pain

• Loneliness

• Hunger

• Thirst

• Fatigue

• Stress

• Grief

• Anxiety/fear

• Loss

There are many different ways to fill this need, but the most likely bottom-line is dopamine. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter in the brain that allows us to feel pleasure. What’s odd is that anything that causes us to release dopamine will fill the need -- or seem to.

• Marijuana (That’s why they call it “smoking dope”)

• An argument or fight

• Cold showers

• Massage

• Opiates (Heroin, morphine, codeine, hydrocodone, oxycodone, and so forth)

• Food – especially carbohydrates and fried foods.

• Exercise

• Buying things

• Pornography

• Winning

• A hug

• Shoplifting

• Running a business

• Sex

• Alcohol 

• Nicotine (tobacco)

• Amphetamines, ecstasy, caffeine, and other stimulants

• Acceleration/speed

• Danger/walking on the edge

• Power

• Money

Notice that they aren’t all things that are pleasant. Dopamine and endorphins can be released by pain as well as comfort. Some people prefer that way, to feel pain. When they are asked, “Why do you hurt yourself, or enjoy pain?” they answer, “Because it feels so good when I stop!”

The point is, a person could relieve pain by any of them, potentially. However, oddly enough, people are so different that there is nothing that works for everyone. Many people don’t like opiates, they feel more nausea than pleasure. Some never get a “runner’s high.” Others don’t like a good massage. Most people like to eat, but some get no dopamine from it, so it doesn’t relieve their stress. Many people drink alcohol, but relatively few become addicted.

I had a friend in medical school who said, “My mom is an alcoholic, my dad is an alcoholic, and both of my sisters are alcoholics…” That’s a pretty strong family history, so of course my question to her was, “are you an alcoholic?” She answered in the best way possible: “I don’t know, and I’m not going to find out.”

Thus, addictions are highly variable since no two people have the same response to any given stimulus. This is the difficulty of defining the term. It could be that everyone has an addiction in some way – there is something they do or something they take in that gives them a dopamine rush to calm, soothe, comfort, and feel good, that is temporary, requiring constant renewal. Thus, addiction is better defined as: 

Addiction is using a dopamine reward to temporarily fill a permanent emotional need. 

Curing Addictions 

During medical school we were asked to attend a 12-step recovery program for a time. I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting with one of my patients from the V.A. hospital. At the time, I thought it was funny that the people there were recovering from alcohol, but had several pots of coffee brewing as we walked in. There was also a lot of smoking. I surmised that avoiding alcohol required some other habit to take its place. Some smoked. Others drank a lot of coffee, or sugary caffeinated drinks. The program also allows more contact with others – the meeting itself can become the addiction. In AA we were told “once and alcoholic, always an alcoholic.” The desire will always be there, we can just decide not to fill it. Thus, we probably never cure addictions.

A good friend of mine who smoked all his life got laryngeal cancer. Because of throat surgery and radiation, he had to have a tracheostomy tube, to breathe through his neck. I went to visit him at Cottage Hospital after his surgery and he told me, “I’m never going to smoke again!” He had to plug the trach tube in his neck to speak.

“Oh? Where have I heard that before?”

“No, this time I mean it!”

“How do you know?

“Because of this!” he grimaced as he pointed to the trach tube in his neck. “I hate it! I have been praying for years for help to quit smoking, but I would have never stopped if it wasn’t for this. It sucks that this is an answer to prayer!” Years later, still with a trach tube, he had indeed not smoked, but he confided to me that he almost always wants cigarettes. He was not cured of the cravings; despite all he had suffered, and years of abstention.

Studies on addiction seem to indicate that there are two main factors that are required to overcome addictions:

1. Social support. This could be family, friends or groups that encourage and teach.

2. Taking responsibility

12-step programs may provide both of these, but it is not the only way. Most people who overcome addictions do not use a 12-step program. These people find they do have control, that they can overcome, that they have the power within them. They have the outside resources as well, such as family support, or access to a good therapist. Let’s discuss some specifics.

ASSESSING YOUR VALUES: 

Once you have acknowledged your addiction, the next step is to appraise your values. What is it you value most? What is important to you. Is feeling good for moments more important than anything? You may value something more such as:

• Health

• Spouse, children, or other close relationship

• Appearance

• Relationship to God or sense of spirituality

• Intelligence

• Standing in the community

• Self-respect

• Job/profession/work skills

• Friends

• Ethical standards

• Something not mentioned above

It is essential that you find something that is more important than the temporary high or comfort you get from your addiction. You will have cravings at times, but your values can help you stay on “the strait and narrow” because you have something more important.

DEVELOPING YOUR ASSETS:

The next step is to evaluate what you have that can help you in your quest to conquer. The resources that improve your ability to overcome an addiction may include:

• Supportive relationships

• Work that is stimulating

• Leisure activities such as hobbies, exercise, art, or travel

• Coping skills like emotional resilience and character

These help you to cope with the vicissitudes of life. You will suffer. You will be uncomfortable at times. There are up and downs. When there are downs, we mostly hang in there and pass through them with the support of others, having other things to do, keeping busy, and just having resilience and character to stay on track in spite of pain and problems.

FINDING A SUBSTITUTE: 

Next, you can consider a replacement for your addiction. Whether it’s a 12-step program or any medical program, one thing that works long-term is exchanging the addiction for a different one. It is well-known that people who quit smoking start eating and gain a lot of weight. My cousin was a cocaine addict, and we could always tell when he was off cocaine because he would gain almost a hundred pounds. He would go back on cocaine and would lose it all and be very thin. He’s dead now, may he rest in peace.

Debbie was a young mother who came into my urgent care office from time-to-time because of chronic pain. One day she confided that she was using heroin since high school and was getting pain pills to keep her from going into withdrawals between hits. She wanted help getting off heroin for good. Over a period of about a year we tried everything to get off heroin, but nothing worked for her. A couple of years later I went into a business found she was the human resources director. I asked her, “What are you doing here?”

“Clean and sober for over a year!”

“OK, I gotta know, how did you do it after everything we tried?”

“Have you ever heard of a ‘runner’s high’?”

“Of course!”

“When I need a “hit” I just go for a run, and I can hardly wait to “hit the wall.” I just push through the pain, and the endorphin rush completely relieves the need.” She switched from a harmful addiction to fill her emotional need to a beneficial one. She uses pain to give her endorphins that release dopamine. But, it’s still only temporary, she needs to run frequently to feel good.

Debbie found a beneficial substitution. Some substitutions are not helpful, as they may also do damage, such as the smoker who starts eating. It is essential that you choose what you will do instead. The trigger is the need, and when you feel it you must have something to do instead of the addiction. Choose some kind of art, or creative outlet. Try yoga or exercise. Go for a walk. Clean a closet or the garage. Do laundry. Write in a journal. I have many people do breathing exercises. Try a cold shower! There are myriad constructive things that can be done.

It is normal to have setbacks, but don’t get discouraged, just keep getting up every time you fall. Life is all about falling – and then getting up again. If you get up the same number of times that you fall, you will end up on your feet. That’s ideal! Don’t ever give up!

THE TRIGGER OF LONELINESS 

Understand that suffering is a part of life. Buddhists learn to acknowledge their suffering. Sometimes that means hunger, fatigue, or pain, but most often it is loneliness. Studies in rats indicate that being alone is the greatest trigger for addictions. The obvious ones are sex, pornography, and falling in love, but even food, drugs, and alcohol increase with loneliness. Ultimately, we must all deal with the fact that nothing and nobody in the world can fill our loneliness. We must deal with being alone and learn to love ourselves.

Everyone, even if you have hundreds of friends who love you, must deal with loneliness. Many years ago I had a patient who lived on a ranch nearby. One day I was called to see him because he fell on the stairs and had an injured foot. I got there and the foot was rather swollen, so I ordered x-rays. He was very famous and didn’t want to go out in public or call an ambulance, so he asked me to take him to the local hospital. We limped to my little Saturn coupe and stuffed him in. When we got to the gate of his ranch, there were a lot of girls there. He ducked down, practically to the floor so nobody would see him. As we drove by, the girls mobbed the car, trying to look in the windows, and screaming, “WE LOVE YOU…!!!” but we just drove on. He certainly was well-loved! However, he once told me that he had no friends, and there was nobody he could trust, not even his family. He was the most famous man in the world, at the time, known by almost everyone, with millions of raving fans, but had no close relationships. He was lonely. He would call me, his doctor, for minor aches or sniffles just as an excuse to come over and talk. When I said I had to go, he begged me to stay - he was so needy! Despite fame and fortune, he was a very lonely man. Even he needed to deal with his loneliness! But instead, he ended up dying young because of his addictions.

FINDING A PERMANENT SOLUTION: 

Exchanging one addiction for another may be an improvement in your life by not causing more pain, but the need is still there, and dopamine is used to fill it -- temporarily. Even being comfortable with yourself may not cure you of addictions. The only way to be cured is to permanently fill the need. The need is the problem. The addictions are just the wrong way to fill the need. 

When 12-step programs tried to take God out of the picture, they didn’t work as well. The “Higher Power” seems to be essential to the program. But the program tells you that you are an addict and will always be an addict. On the contrary, I have seen that there is a way to change the heart. Your heart is your most basic wants, needs, and desires. It is the “why” of your life. Your values come out of your heart, as well as everything you think, feel, say, and do; the heart is the bottom-line. We are told that there is no way to change the heart because our foundations don’t change. We can act differently, but that doesn’t change the underlying desires. However, there is a way.

Ultimately, the answer is to discover the underlying need of the heart and fill it. Most humans have an innate need to connect with the infinite. We think that need can be filled by something in the world, but everything in the world is temporary. The reason we get addicted to the things of the world is because they work! Dopamine comforts and temporarily fills the need. Even things that are healthy like good food and exercise only work briefly. But, if we seek to connect with God, He can fill the need permanently. Jesus explained to His disciples:

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. 

(KJV John 14:26,27)

This seems to be the answer to every addiction issue. The Comforter is to comfort us. Rather than seek comfort in something temporary, we can have permanent comfort, and peace, without fear or even a troubled heart. When we have no needs, we will have no addictions. Imagine the peace this would bring! The heart is full, and you are not worried about the next dopamine "hit." You have no needs! You are not dependent on anything in the world to feel whole, complete, or satisfied. You don't need dopamine at all. This is true healing.

When I discovered my addiction, I found there was no way out -- nothing in the world could fill my need. I had to deal with my loneliness and seek a relationship that was eternal to fill me. 50 years after that little eight-year-old boy discovered the need, I have finally found the best way to fill it. Now, I no longer seek anything in the world because I don’t feel like I need anything. 

People tell me I have a lot of willpower. I think “willpower” is just permanently filling the true needs of the heart. I have found this in my own life. I don’t need to berate myself for “falling” but rather turn to God and seek the Comforter. I “fall” because I’m empty. When I'm filled, I have "willpower" because there is no need. 

SHARING

Overcoming addictions is like growing up. We start out as infants, completely dependent on others, but gradually grow up to be independent as our needs are filled by the Infinite. And then we move forward to be able to take responsibility for those who are newborn and are dependent, like a parent taking care of a child. The 12th step is to become a mentor and bring others up, helping them to conquer addictions. Together we can all help each other grow up to be independent, healthy, and happy. Happiness is connecting with others. The parent-child relationship can grow into a peer relationship, so nobody is alone, or lonely. As each overcomes, and then helps others to overcome, it will spread everywhere, and addictions will disappear from the world. 

A Happy Thought for a HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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RESTORATION

While in a junkyard looking for a part for your car, you find the bones of a 1963 Ferrari 250 GTO. You can’t believe it! This is the most expensive car in the world. Only 36 cars were ever produced! The car that won the 1963 Tour de France race set a record auction price at $70 million. Others have sold in the $30 and $40 million range. You check to make sure it’s true. And, sure enough, you have stumbled onto the real thing. You can buy the entire chassis and much of the original car for pocket change, so you buy it. You ask the junkyard about the various parts that have been sold, and who bought them. Over a period of more than a decade the car has been gradually disassembled and the parts taken for various uses on other cars. The front fenders were taken for a teenager’s high school project. The engine was restored and put in a Porsche. Other parts are scattered all over the area. You need to restore everything to its original state for it to have any value, so you want every part for your restoration project. 

So, you go to each person who owns a part and make an offer to buy back them back, but many parts are long gone. Moreover, when some find they have a part of an original 250 GTO they want too much money, or they don’t want to give it up. The guy with the engine is especially reticent to sell. He wants his car to have a 250 GTO engine. You increase your offer, but he just won’t sell -- it can’t be bought. Other parts are available, and you buy all you can, but you still cannot get some critical parts. Moreover, many parts are lost, damaged, rusted out, or destroyed. The fenders are cut up. The headlights are gone. The seats are mostly aged and cracked. Since there are so few of these cars, and none are used for parts, there is no way to restore it with original parts. You begin to assemble what you have and have the missing parts custom-made or taken from other cars. All the time and materials already invested is quite expensive, but should be worth it when the car is sold, even though it has no engine. You run out of money, and all you borrowed from everyone you know. 

At auction, the car is a beautiful restoration, but when the clientele finds out that it is not original, nobody wants it. It doesn’t have an engine! So, it doesn’t sell for even the amount you invested. Though it has many original parts, it’s not real. It’s not original. It isn’t a true restoration. It’s a fake, a copy. You lost money, and now must pay back all you borrowed!

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When Jesus formed a church, “he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.” (Ephesians 4:11-13) However, when those apostles and prophets died, the church fell into disrepair. Parts were taken and put into pagan churches. 

Over the years, people noticed that the church built by Christ was valuable, but with many original parts missing. They saw the bones of the church and decided to try a restoration project. But they didn’t have all the parts. They filled-in the blanks with things of the world, things that they could understand, and that made logical sense to them, but never had the fullness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Thus, hundreds of Christian churches were born out of the parts of the original church. They have original parts, but fill-in the missing pieces with their own custom-made parts. The biggest problem is that they could never get the authority to give the gift of the Holy Ghost. It would be like having a 250 GTO without an engine. When the Prophet Joseph Smith visited President Martin Van Buren, the President asked the Prophet what difference there was between the Prophet’s church and the other churches of the world. The Prophet answered: “We have the correct mode of baptism, and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of hands.” Then he added: “We considered that all other considerations were contained in the gift of the Holy Ghost.”

In the case of the church of Jesus Christ, there is only one way to restore it to its original form. The Lord Himself must come and restore it with authority -- apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors, and teachers – and the gift of the Holy Ghost, according to the original plan. Nobody can just assume he has the authority of God. “And no man taketh this honour unto himself, but he that is called of God, as was Aaron.” (Hebrews 5:4) There is no way to buy this authority, as Simon found out when he asked Peter to sell him the ability to give the Holy Ghost. “But Peter said unto him, Thy money perish with thee, because thou hast thought that the gift of God may be purchased with money.” (Acts 8:19-20)  

Thus, people have pieces of the church of Christ, but they don’t mean anything. Without the whole thing restored in its proper order as an original with heaven-made parts, it isn’t worth anything. Without the gift of the Holy Ghost there is no power in the church. It can look good, even looking like the original, but it won’t get anyone to heaven without the gift of the Holy Ghost. There can be no parts from the world. It must be original in every aspect to be His church, to be able to bring all to “the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ.” Missing parts just will not do. Having part of the gospel doesn’t bring anyone to the “fulness of Christ.” Without every original part, and all of it together, a church is worthless, and all who invest in it will lose. However, if hands are laid upon my head and I do receive the Holy Ghost, then I know that this is the real thing, the original, the one and only church of Jesus Christ. This is the “Pearl of Great Price” that is worth selling everything of the world to possess! It is priceless, requiring me to sacrifice my all, even my heart, but I get the most valuable thing in the Universe! 

For he that receiveth my servants receiveth me; And he that receiveth me receiveth my Father; And he that receiveth my Father receiveth my Father’s kingdom; therefore all that my Father hath shall be given unto him.  (Doctrine and Covenants 84:36-38)

The Law of Obedience and Sacrifice

It’s the law. 

It is not a suggestion, or even a commandment, it is a law. This means it is not just expedient for now, but a law that is forever. Laws are above God. It is a law of the Universe. It is a permanent law of God to be obedient to the Lord, and to sacrifice all that I have. The Law of Moses was training wheels for the real law of obedience and sacrifice. The Law of Moses was fulfilled by Jesus Christ, and He instituted the higher law.

I sacrifice what I want. 

I sacrifice what I need. 

I sacrifice what I like.

The law is not just to give up things, I must sacrifice what I have in obedience to the Lord. That is the law. I cannot separate the two parts. 

• Obedience is a part. 
• Sacrifice is a part. 

The two covenants together constitute a law. They are not two different laws, they are one law. They come together because obedience is sacrifice and sacrifice must happen in obedience. 

Obedience is sacrificing the most important thing I have been given -- my will. I cannot be obedient without making a sacrifice. Jesus obeyed this law: 

For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me.

John 6:38

He gave up His will to do the will of the Father. In the Garden of Gethsemane He actually made the sacrifice of His will. He did not want to suffer eternal torment, but was “willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19) He sacrificed Himself in obedience to His Father. 

And he went a little further, and fell on his face, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt.

        Matthew 26:39

The reverse is also true. Sacrifice cannot be separated from obedience. It is not a sacrifice to flog myself, or even to give up my own life by suicide. It is not to live in poverty, or give up food or sex, but rather to sacrifice what God wants me to burn on the altar. It must be a sacrifice in obedience to Him. The Lord speaks to the leaders of the fledgling Church of Jesus Christ and explains this concept. 

Verily I say unto you, all among them who know their hearts are honest, and are broken, and their spirits contrite, and are willing to observe their covenants by sacrifice—yea, every sacrifice which I, the Lord, shall command—they are accepted of me.

Doctrine and Covenants 97:8

The Lord will command what sacrifice must be made. I don’t decide what I am willing to give up. I only do it in obedience to the Lord. King Benjamin explained this to his people: 

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

Mosiah 3:19

It is not my decision to make a sacrifice, but rather the Lord will see fit to inflict a sacrifice on me. The point of the sacrifice is that it is in obedience to the Lord. Saul was commanded to utterly destroy the Amalekites because they would not listen to the Lord, and continued to worship gods of the world. Saul did not exactly obey because he and his people kept some things as spoil. Samuel came and rebuked Saul for his disobedience and Saul said they kept the animals to sacrifice to the Lord. 

And Samuel said, Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams.

1 Samuel 15:22

You cannot have a law of sacrifice separated from obedience. They must go together. Saul could not determine the sacrifice, only the Lord can command it. 

Obeying the Law of Obedience and Sacrifice

I have found that I don’t have a prophet coming to me to tell me what to sacrifice. In my life I have two ways of knowing what I should sacrifice:

1. The Holy Spirit whispers to my soul to make a sacrifice. 
2. Life takes me down a path of sacrifice. 

Sometimes the Holy Ghost will tell me what to do, and I must obey and make the sacrifice. I was told to give up my girlfriend before we even met, but I did not. Then, after twenty years of marriage I was told again, and I did. Also, the Spirit sometimes whispers that I need to fast, and most of the time I do. Following the voice of the Spirit is being obedient to the commandments. Each time it is a sacrifice commanded by Him. All the commandments of God, as given to me by the Holy Ghost, are sacrifices. 

Most of the time, however, life requires sacrifices just because I lose things. Having a family requires sacrifice. Marriage is a sacrifice. Work is sacrifice. People die. People change. All that I do in the world requires sacrifice of time, effort, or will. The sacrifice doesn’t need to be grievous, just doing something for someone else is giving up my time, even if I enjoy it. The Lord dictates what the sacrifice is to be by guiding my path. He puts people in front of me who need help. He closes doors to me, and opens others that may be scary, but I go through because it is the only reasonable option. Just the process of living will guide me to the sacrifices I make in obedience to Him, with understanding that whatever happens is His will. 

In doing, or allowing, the will of God, I give up what I want. I am not going after my dreams of the world, but rather sacrificing them. I am not working to meet my needs, but to sacrifice them on the altar of the Lord. The only acceptable sacrifice is that of a broken heart. 

A Broken Heart and a Contrite Spirit

And ye shall offer up unto me no more the shedding of blood; yea, your sacrifices and your burnt offerings shall be done away, for I will accept none of your sacrifices and your burnt offerings. And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

3 Nephi 9:19-20

The heart is the deepest desire, it is the one thing that everyone needs -- connection with God. Being born in a wicked world, we automatically believe that we could find something of the world will fill that need. There is an emptiness inside that must be filled, and the heart is what we believe deep down that will fill that need. Not everyone believes the same or needs the same things. Some feel that marriage and family will fill the need. Others think sex, drugs, food, tobacco, alcohol, friends, wealth, fame, lands and houses, knowledge of the world, power, authority, or a business will either fill that need, or at least give a moment of relief. Our differences come from our beliefs. We are actually all the same. There is a God-sized hole in every heart that can only be filled by God, but people still believe they can fill it with something in the world. 

The things of the world are not evil, bad, or wicked. They are just things, toys, or means that allow us to function. We need food. We need other people. We need sex. We need business and money. These only become wicked when they are objects of worship. When I believe something will fill my heart and satisfy my true need then I worship that object. People become objects when I believe they could fill my need. I worship them as objects, I don’t see them as people. Thus, the evil of the things of the world is not their existence, but in my belief. Those who do not need alcohol may drink and not be wicked. Those who do not feel sex will bring satisfaction may indulge with their spouse ad libidum. Those who do not need money to fill them may have great amounts and not be wicked. The need is the problem. Wickedness is not from having the things of the world, but rather from worshipping them. 

When I sacrifice my deepest desire, the belief that something of the world is going to fill the emptiness inside me, I will necessarily have a broken heart. The one thing that I worship of the world, that I believe will fill my heart, is the one thing I must sacrifice. The oblation must be a willing sacrifice. I don’t have to enjoy it, but I must willingly give up what I desire. I can give it up in my heart no matter how the sacrifice is given. There are two ways to have a broken heart: 

1. I get what I want, but it doesn’t fill my need as I expected.
2. I never get what I want. 

Either way, my heart is broken. My mom told me, “Life is perfectly fair, sooner or later it breaks everyone’s heart.” 

The people of the world tell me that nobody should have a broken heart. One of my patients came in with a program for spiritual enlightenment where people remember their epiphanies and theophanies to keep them in mind, instead of their problems. I said that was great, but to see the hand of God is one thing, but to be obedient is quite another. Spiritual growth requires sacrifice and obedience, not just acknowledging the existence of God. He did not believe a sacrifice was needed to be spiritually elevated. We are sad for those who have a broken heart. We mourn with them. We hope for peace and love, good roads and good weather, happiness and joy, without any speed bumps or red lights. 

The Lord, however is different. Everyone must have a broken heart or they will not be able to be with God. They can't. They won't. They won't find Him because they don't seek Him. They are looking for something else. Only when the heart is seeking God will anyone be able to find Him. 

Becoming Bitter

Some achieve their desires only to find it doesn’t work. Their heart is broken. They then either become bitter, angry, and depressed, or they soften and seek the Lord. Those who let go easily have a contrite spirit. The sacrifice of a broken heart must come with the contrite spirit to avoid anger. Anger is of the devil. Lucifer was not chosen to be the savior of the world; he wanted to rule over all, but his plan was rejected, so he got angry. That’s why he had to leave Heaven. 

And the Lord said: Whom shall I send? And one answered like unto the Son of Man: Here am I, send me. And another answered and said: Here am I, send me. And the Lord said: I will send the first. And the second was angry, and kept not his first estate; and, at that day, many followed after him.

Abraham 3:27-28

Others become bitter and angry when they don’t get what they want in life. They never have enough money because they are always poor. They get married but are not able to have children. They are disabled or otherwise afflicted. They don’t have friends or family to fill them. Never getting what I wanted has been a hard sacrifice to make, willingly. The point of a sacrifice is not to give up something I have, but rather to give up the belief that it could fill my need for connection. The heart can be broken when I realize that I cannot get what I want in life. 

When my heart is broken I must have a contrite spirit and submit willingly to the sacrifice commanded by God. If not, if I become angry, get depressed, suicidal, or walk around heartbroken, then I will not receive the Lord and worship Him to fill the void in my heart. My heart is still on the things of the world. My beliefs, desires, needs, still revolve around that thing I lost, didn’t get, or found unfulfilling. 

The Fantasy does not die easily

The discovery that my fantasy is unfulfilling does not automatically lead to a contrite spirit and seeking the Lord. For example, when a person wants power or authority, and they get it and find it doesn’t fill the need, they often want more. A little power doesn’t work, maybe more will. Also, men and women get married hoping for a connection that the other can fill, but when they find it doesn’t work they may go outside seeking others to fill their needs; it feels like the right person could do fill them. Those who find food does not fill them up often eat more and hate themselves as they get fatter. Many feel that money will fill the need, but find it will never be enough, even as they continue to seek more. They do not have a contrite spirit. They do not submit, but continue to believe a lie that they could be filled by something of the world. 

As a child I only wanted to connect with my mom, but she was not able due to an autistic personality. So, in my young mind I reasoned that I would be able to finally fill that need in the future when I was married. I just wanted a woman. As an adolescent that easily translated into sexual needs so I thought unlimited sex would fill the need. I waited to find the right girl, and then waited to get married, as I had been taught. But it didn’t work out as I expected. She was not on board, even though she indicated she was before we were married. I was angry. I got depressed. I had been taught traditional morals so I would not go outside the marriage to seek my needs. I was stuck. I hoped she would “come around,” but that never happened. Instead, she filed for divorce after twenty years of marriage. I had no problem letting her go. I was hoping to finally find the right woman to fill my needs. Then I re-married and found the same issues. Other men did not have this problem. Again, I became angry and depressed. I was getting bitter. I tried not to, but my heart was broken. All my dreams were dashed. I didn’t have a connection with anyone, and no hope of finding one. I prayed faithfully, but it took a long time. Gradually, the Lord guided me through the thorny path back onto the path of eternal life. Instead of seeking a wife to fill the need, I seek the Lord. Instead of worshipping my wife, I worship the Lord. 

In spite of this, the dream does not die easily. While I am able to “put off the natural man” I find the dream is still there. I still look at women with hope to fill my need. I still judge them by their looks. I still find I am attracted to certain women based on that hope -- that she could fill my needs. It’s like an addiction that will not go away. I can put it off as long as I want, but I’m always going to want it. The same is true with all my likes. I haven’t had ice cream in years, but I still want it. I suppose this is the “thorn in my side” that I will live with as long as I am mortal. Meanwhile, I will continuously sacrifice that desire until the end of my life, having a broken heart. I have a weakness which will help me. I will glory in my weakness, like Paul. 

And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Obey the Law

If I obey the law, I receive the blessing. 

There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.

Doctrine and Covenants 130:20-21

If I don’t obey the law then I am cursed, I must suffer the consequences. If I don’t make the sacrifice of a broken heart and a contrite spirit then I must suffer with the desires of the world for eternity where I can never even fulfill them. Not even a second of relief. There is nothing around to even temporarily fill the need. The need, want, desire, and emptiness are there with the belief that something of the world can fill it, but the world is gone, and all things in it are gone so there is nothing. It is hopeless -- forever! The world is going to go away, and when it’s gone, all those things I use to fill my needs are gone as well. Gone forever. I am left with eternal hopelessness and despair. Nothing. 

...their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched, which is their torment—

Doctrine and Covenants 76:44

Jesus tells a parable of a man who was rich and had everything, while Lazarus, at his gate, suffered hunger and poor health. They both died and the man found himself in hell.

And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

Luke 16:23-24

It is interesting to note the cause of his suffering. Abraham explains why he was suffering in hell, and Lazarus was in heaven, and that it was perfectly fair and just: 

But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

Luke 16:25

In the world, the rich man had all his needs filled. He did not need God to fill his needs so he didn’t seek Him. I wonder if the rich man was tormented because he could no longer have what he had before to comfort him. All he depended on was gone, and now he had nothing, whereas Lazarus had nothing and could only depend on God while in the world, so he continued to have that comfort in the next life. 

The Ultimate Sacrifice

The sacrifice is not the broken heart, but a broken heart and a contrite spirit. Both are required to enter the kingdom of God. He will determine what sacrifice is to be made. Not everyone has the same sacrifice because everyone has a different belief of what will save them. For example, Jesus said to the rich, young ruler who wanted to know what it would take to be saved: 

Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come and follow me.

        Matthew 19:21

 Does that mean everyone who is rich must sell all? I don’t think so. I suspect only those who depend on their wealth to save them will need to make such a sacrifice. Jesus "loved him" and discerned his need. This particular young man needed just one sacrifice to be perfect. He knew the man's heart, and how he trusted in his wealth, even though he kept the commandments. 

Jesus answereth again, and saith unto them, Children, how hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God!

Mark 10:24

Those who think they are good, or saved, having everything they need in the world because of their affluence, will need to repent. Nephi spells this out explicitly: 

But wo unto the rich, who are rich as to the things of the world. For because they are rich they despise the poor, and they persecute the meek, and their hearts are upon their treasures; wherefore, their treasure is their god. And behold, their treasure shall perish with them also.

2 Nephi 9:30

Either through the Holy Ghost or through the vicissitudes of life, the rich man who trusts in riches will need to give up, not necessarily the wealth, but the trust. Either he will be told to “sell all that thou hast, and distribute unto the poor” or his fortune will be lost through misfortune. Either way he will need to let go of the world and turn to the Lord. On the other hand, there is another option, the rich man may not need to lose his money at all, but just seek to obtain a hope in Christ. 

But before ye seek for riches, seek ye for the kingdom of God. And after ye have obtained a hope in Christ ye shall obtain riches, if ye seek them; and ye will seek them for the intent to do good—to clothe the naked, and to feed the hungry, and to liberate the captive, and administer relief to the sick and the afflicted.

Jacob 2:18-19

I use riches here as a metaphor for all the things of the world. No matter what I have of the world that I think will save me from my loneliness, or that will fill my needs must be sacrificed. Not necessarily the idol, but the trust in it to save. It is only after having a broken heart and a contrite spirit that I can learn to trust in the Lord, as the Proverb says, “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart;” (Proverbs 3:5) This is the only sacrifice that will satisfy the demands of the law of obedience and sacrifice. It's the law!

Letter to a Friend (ONLY for married men in their 40's)

Brad,

Mary is not on your team. 

She is trying to find a way out. 

She is looking for relief.

Intimacy is stressful. 

She cannot bear to be close. 

She has already rejected you in her heart. 

She cannot love. 

She cannot give.

She cannot be a wife. 

She doesn’t want to be your wife. 

She has not seen you for eight weeks, and her absence did not make the heart grow fonder. 

You got her to have sex with you and you thought that was a win, that she appreciated your efforts, but you are wrong. 

I had a patient who would ask for a divorce from her husband every month. 

“I hate you!” 

“I can’t stand you.” 

“I don’t want you around.” 

“Just the thought of you touching me makes my skin crawl!”

“You are the worst person on the planet!” 

“I don’t know how we got together -- it was a huge mistake!”

“I want a divorce!”

The young man was perplexed, angry, and afraid. But he would try to be understanding.

“Sweety, remember last month when you felt this way and said all those same things?”

“Remember that after a couple weeks you wanted me and we would kiss and make up?”

“Remember that the doctor said it was just the change in hormones on your cycle?” 

She, however, would have none of it, and would continue to spit out vitriol at him. 

“IT’S NOT HORMONES!”

“This is real!”

“It’s really how I feel!” 

“You are just trying to blame something else!”

“You have no regard for my feelings!” 

“See!? you’re just a narcissist!” 

This would continue for a couple weeks, and then she would do a complete about-face and want him, love him, and desire him for a couple weeks, after which the same scene would play out again -- every month! 

I have personally been through this. 

I’m going through it again with my second wife. 

I have seen it in countless friends. 

This is a very common scenario. 

A woman gets into her forties and the hormones change.

She no longer wants to have children. 

She no longer wants intimacy.

She no longer needs a husband.

She doesn’t seek companionship.

She doesn’t want safety and security. 

All her feelings change. 

She is no longer the young woman who got married. 

She doesn’t feel close to her husband. 

She feels like she is being used.

She feels like a prostitute. 

She wants out. 

She doesn’t even want to be with her husband.

She feels loathing. 

She looks for reasons why she feels that way. 

He is the reason!

She finds him wanting in many areas. 

He is not loyal. 

He is a narcissist.

He has broken my trust. 

She can only see the bad in him, there is no good. 

She wonders why she even agreed to marry him. 

She files for divorce. 

He is flabbergasted! Nonplused! Surprised! Dumbfounded! We were doing so well! We have so much! We have built up a life together!

She sees none of it. 

They get divorced. 

Your wife does not desire to be with you. 

Her hormones have changed, and she doesn’t even feel like she WANTS to be close to you. 

She has found a way out. 

She blames the church.

She blames society. 

She blames the stupid mistake of marrying young and not thinking about what she was doing. 

She blames you.

She has no regard for you at all. 

When I defended you, she shot back with a very long list of egregious errors that you committed in her eyes.

She can only see you as a narcissistic butthead. 

She did not appreciate any efforts you have made to placate her. 

She’s done. 

It’s over. 

She’s gone -- in her heart. 

Her hormones have changed. 

The winds have shifted. 

She is not looking for a relationship with you. 

She doesn’t want you, and she never did. 

You are the problem.

She is looking for a way out.

When the therapist called you a narcissist, she had everything she needed. 

Personality disorders don’t go away. 

There is no way for you to get out of this. 

She feels like God agrees with her -- it’s too hard to be married to you. 

When I told her that the only important thing in life is keeping covenants, she balked. 

God has given her permission to leave. 

You are trying to reconcile with her. 

You are trying to make her happy. 

You are trying to make her like you again.

You are trying to be different.

You are trying to be what she wants.  

You want things to be the way they were for twenty years. 

You want to go back. 

You want to have a happy marriage. 

You want her to fill your needs for love, intimacy, comfort. 

You want her to like you. 

You want her to love you.

You are willing to fill her needs for safety and security. 

You will do anything for her. 

You will go to the ends of the earth for her. 

You would give her anything she wants.

You want her, just her, nobody else but her. 

You are doing everything wrong. 

You can no longer give her what she wants. 

You are not what she wants, no matter what you change. 

When you were first married, she saw you as a box of chocolates, witty, funny, and desirable. 

Now she sees you as a bag of poop, there is nothing in the bag she cares about. 

You cannot make her happy. 

You cannot change to suit her, no matter how you dress it up, it's still poop. 

You cannot be better.

You are going in the wrong direction. 

You cannot go back -- ever! 

Therapists try to get you to go back, which is a big mistake -- even when it seems to work out. 

Going back puts you in the same situation -- filling needs -- which feels to her like prostitution to her. 

She has a low opinion of herself with you. You cannot fix that. 

There is nothing you can do. 

Everything you try to do is a good effort, but she still feels bad. 

Your changes cannot change how she feels. 

Even when you change into the perfect prince, she still feels bad. 

Changing you does not change her. 

You can give her everything she wants, but she still doesn't want you.

She ALWAYS has a history to fall back on, and can find all the bad you ever did as an explanation for her feelings. 

What you are now is irrelevant. 

You cannot do anything. 

You cannot build an “account” of goodness. 

All your “good” is bad in her eyes because you are a narcissist and you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

You can’t get any “points.” 

You cannot give what you don’t have. 

Even if she acknowledges your efforts it has no value to her. 

The more you try to get in her good graces, the more she will find wrong with you. 

When two magnets are stuck together and one is turned around, the closer they get, the more they repel. She has turned around, the closer you try to get, the more you will be pushed away. 

Trying to get close is the problem.

Your only option is to stop. 

Stop trying to reconcile.

Stop doing what she wants.

Stop changing your behavior. 

All the superficial changes are useless. 

Stop trying to be different. 

Stop looking to her for direction on what to do. 

Stop trying to be the man she wants, needs, and desires.

Stop trying to be her savior. 

Stop trying to be her prince. 

Stop taking clues from her. 

Stop trying to be close to her. 

Stop seeking intimacy with her. 

Stop trying to go back to “the way we were.” 

This is not the movies; life is not like a “Hallmark Movie.” 

This is real. 

It is hard.

"bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love;"

        Alma 38:12

All you can do is love her. 

You love by letting go. 

You love by being independent.

You love by allowing her to be independent.

You love by pulling back. 

You love by changing your heart. 

Your heart is your needs and desires. 

You no longer need her. 

You no longer desire her. 

You let her go in your heart. 

You appreciate who she is for her. 

She is not as an extension of you

She does not live to fill your needs. 

You step away from her.

You don’t fill her needs. 

You don’t give her anything unless she asks. 

You use common courtesy, be polite. 

You don’t try to get close to her. 

You have no ulterior motive. 

You give up the quid pro quo.

You don’t want to be intimate with her. 

She is just a friend, a roommate; two independent people living together.

You treat her like a friend -- kind and courteous, but not seeking anything. 

Do nice things just to be nice, not because you want her to love you. 

But, there is a problem.

You can’t. 

You cannot change your own heart.

You cannot change your needs. 

You cannot change what you desire. 

You have no power over your heart.

You can deny them, but you can’t change them. 

You can give up eating ice cream for years, but still desire it. 

Men who have never had sex continue to have the desire. 

Your basic needs are ingrained so inextricably into your heart and every fiber of your being, that you have no way to get them out. 

Needs will not be starved out. 

Desires will not be removed by cold therapy, fear therapy, or any therapy. 

You can’t burn wants out. 

Even death will not take away the needs. 

Your heart is basic to your being. 

As long as you exist, you will be you, and you will continue to have the same needs, wants, and desires. 

As long as you have needs, you will be selfish. 

What you really need is a mighty change of heart. 

The Lord has the power to change your heart.

What you cannot do alone, He can do -- alone. He alone can change your heart. 

“the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”

Mosiah 5:2

Evil is worshipping other gods.

Evil is being dependent. 

Evil is needing other people. 

Evil is needing your wife. 

Evil is using your wife to fill your needs. 

Evil is having the need. 

Good is being independent. 

Good is doing the will of God. 

Good is having a choice, not a need. 

The need is the problem. 

Your needs are the problem.

The Spirit of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent, is the answer, the ONLY answer. 

Omnipotent means “all powerful.” He has all power to change your heart, something you have no power to do. 

The only possibility of change comes from the Lord. 

You will always be selfish, until you have charity. 

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;

Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;

Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."

        1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Charity is unselfish. 

Charity is not something you aspire to because that is selfish.

Charity is not a skill. 

Charity is not falling in love. 

Charity is the love Christ had for us. 

Charity is a gift, given to those who follow Christ. 

“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;”

Moroni 7:48

All you can do is pray, and follow Christ. 

What did Christ do? 

Christ gave Himself, sacrificed everything, and suffered death and hell for you. 

“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

Ephesians 5:25

Make the sacrifice that He made -- willingly. 

Love your wife.

For a long time, until you get a mighty change of heart, you just have to suppress your needs. 

Give up your wants.

Acknowledge, but don’t give in to your desires. 

Sacrifice your heart.

Let go of your needs. 

Give her up, or the fantasy of her.

Let your heart break.

A broken heart is essential for salvation. 

There are two things that happen when a person has a broken heart: either they get angry, bitter, and hard, or they become soft, humble, and submissive. 

“and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

Mosiah 3:19

Putting off the natural man is breaking your heart. The next step is to have a contrite spirit and become as a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient -- and full of love. 

You cannot love until you put off the natural man in submission to God. 

Cease to seek salvation in the world.

The gods of this world will not help you.

Your wife will not save you from loneliness. 

Sex will not bring satisfaction; you don't need it.

Food will not fill you up. 

Money will not give you rest. 

Give up all that you want. 

Let go of the fantasy of marriage. 

Submit to the will of God. 

The will of God is whatever comes upon you outside of your control or choice. 

You don’t choose how your wife feels. 

You can’t decide what she should do with her covenants. 

You can’t make her stay, no matter how good you are.

You can’t make her go, no matter how bad you are. 

All you can do is act for yourself. 

You must take reality as the will of God. 

What is happening is real. 

Everything has changed. 

It will not go back. 

You must deal with what is, not what you want things to be. 

Give up what you want and accept what is.

Seek a mighty change of heart. 

Seek charity. 

Make the sacrifice. 

Give up your desires. 

Become a man.

Be independent. 

Grow up! 

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

1 Corinthians 13:11

She has already decided what she wants, and that’s not you.

She will decide if she keeps her covenants. 

Your best way to keep her around is to be a man and let go of her.

“If you love someone, set them free.” 

“...the Lord do so to me, and more also,” (Ruth 1:17)

If you love her, set her free. 

You may be able to be her friend. 

The Plan

 When a loved-one passes on to the next life, it often causes me to think about the important questions of life: 

• Where did I come from?
• Why am I here? 
• Where am I going after this life? 

Where did I come from? 

Before being born on the earth we all lived in Heaven with God, our Father. We are all children of God, and He loves every one of us -- every person who has ever lived, or who will live on the earth. He does not love one more than another. 

Why am I here? 

When there is a policeman behind me I may drive differently than when there is not one in sight. 

In like manner, I need to be outside of the immediate presence of our Father, so I can make choices and become myself. 

Every minute of every day I am making choices in the world. 

My choices of what to think, and do, and say, show me who I am.

Where am I going? 

All my choices lead me to a place. I am my own judge because I put myself where I belong -- I have been doing it all my life. 

Judgment is in resurrection. Because Jesus Christ was resurrected, everyone ever born will receive a perfect body. At this point I will stand before God with everything I have ever done or thought, or said. I am what I have become through millions of choices.

One of the most amazing parts of God’s plan is that He has provided a place for each of His children

The only people who continue to suffer are those who will stand in front of Him and refuse His offer. They want no part of heaven, and must go outside -- that’s their choice. The heavens weep over each of them. 

On the other hand, every kingdom of heaven requires submission to Jesus Christ. 

The lowest kingdom is for those who did not keep the commandments of God. They live selfishly. They do not repent so they must pay for their sins until the final resurrection, but then they bow the knee to Jesus, and end up in a kingdom where they have a measure of glory from the Holy Spirit. 

The middle kingdom is for those who lived honorable lives. These are the “good” people of the world who help others and are moral and ethical, but don't make a covenant with Jesus. They continue to seek the things of the world. After they die, they accept Jesus Christ, and have a much greater measure of glory. 

The highest kingdom of heaven is for those who seek out the Lord, Jesus Christ and make covenants with Him. My daily decisions are going to be different -- I will be keeping the commandments of God. I will go through the process of repentance every day. I will seek Him in the scriptures, in prayer, and in my daily activities. These choices naturally lead me into eternal life. 

God wants all His children to choose Him, and return to Him in the highest kingdom. Jesus is so happy when just one of child turns to Him and follows Him for many reasons: He doesn’t want anyone to suffer, His own suffering and death was not in vain, and each person who does finds happiness. He wants everyone to be happy. Everybody in the world is invited to come unto Christ and be perfected in Him. His grace is sufficient for every person, no matter who you are, or what you have done in the past. He paid the price for you. He loves you and has paid the price of everyone’s happiness. 

God loves each of His children enough to give them a real choice. So, you can choose something else, but why?