Brad,
Mary is not on your team.
She is trying to find a way out.
She is looking for relief.
Intimacy is stressful.
She cannot bear to be close.
She has already rejected you in her heart.
She cannot love.
She cannot give.
She cannot be a wife.
She doesn’t want to be your wife.
She has not seen you for eight weeks, and her absence did not make the heart grow fonder.
You got her to have sex with you and you thought that was a win, that she appreciated your efforts, but you are wrong.
I had a patient who would ask for a divorce from her husband every month.
“I hate you!”
“I can’t stand you.”
“I don’t want you around.”
“Just the thought of you touching me makes my skin crawl!”
“You are the worst person on the planet!”
“I don’t know how we got together -- it was a huge mistake!”
“I want a divorce!”
The young man was perplexed, angry, and afraid. But he would try to be understanding.
“Sweety, remember last month when you felt this way and said all those same things?”
“Remember that after a couple weeks you wanted me and we would kiss and make up?”
“Remember that the doctor said it was just the change in hormones on your cycle?”
She, however, would have none of it, and would continue to spit out vitriol at him.
“IT’S NOT HORMONES!”
“This is real!”
“It’s really how I feel!”
“You are just trying to blame something else!”
“You have no regard for my feelings!”
“See!? you’re just a narcissist!”
This would continue for a couple weeks, and then she would do a complete about-face and want him, love him, and desire him for a couple weeks, after which the same scene would play out again -- every month!
I have personally been through this.
I’m going through it again with my second wife.
I have seen it in countless friends.
This is a very common scenario.
A woman gets into her forties and the hormones change.
She no longer wants to have children.
She no longer wants intimacy.
She no longer needs a husband.
She doesn’t seek companionship.
She doesn’t want safety and security.
All her feelings change.
She is no longer the young woman who got married.
She doesn’t feel close to her husband.
She feels like she is being used.
She feels like a prostitute.
She wants out.
She doesn’t even want to be with her husband.
She feels loathing.
She looks for reasons why she feels that way.
He is the reason!
She finds him wanting in many areas.
He is not loyal.
He is a narcissist.
He has broken my trust.
She can only see the bad in him, there is no good.
She wonders why she even agreed to marry him.
She files for divorce.
He is flabbergasted! Nonplused! Surprised! Dumbfounded! We were doing so well! We have so much! We have built up a life together!
She sees none of it.
They get divorced.
Your wife does not desire to be with you.
Her hormones have changed, and she doesn’t even feel like she WANTS to be close to you.
She has found a way out.
She blames the church.
She blames society.
She blames the stupid mistake of marrying young and not thinking about what she was doing.
She blames you.
She has no regard for you at all.
When I defended you, she shot back with a very long list of egregious errors that you committed in her eyes.
She can only see you as a narcissistic butthead.
She did not appreciate any efforts you have made to placate her.
She’s done.
It’s over.
She’s gone -- in her heart.
Her hormones have changed.
The winds have shifted.
She is not looking for a relationship with you.
She doesn’t want you, and she never did.
You are the problem.
She is looking for a way out.
When the therapist called you a narcissist, she had everything she needed.
Personality disorders don’t go away.
There is no way for you to get out of this.
She feels like God agrees with her -- it’s too hard to be married to you.
When I told her that the only important thing in life is keeping covenants, she balked.
God has given her permission to leave.
You are trying to reconcile with her.
You are trying to make her happy.
You are trying to make her like you again.
You are trying to be different.
You are trying to be what she wants.
You want things to be the way they were for twenty years.
You want to go back.
You want to have a happy marriage.
You want her to fill your needs for love, intimacy, comfort.
You want her to like you.
You want her to love you.
You are willing to fill her needs for safety and security.
You will do anything for her.
You will go to the ends of the earth for her.
You would give her anything she wants.
You want her, just her, nobody else but her.
You are doing everything wrong.
You can no longer give her what she wants.
You are not what she wants, no matter what you change.
When you were first married, she saw you as a box of chocolates, witty, funny, and desirable.
Now she sees you as a bag of poop, there is nothing in the bag she cares about.
You cannot make her happy.
You cannot change to suit her, no matter how you dress it up, it's still poop.
You cannot be better.
You are going in the wrong direction.
You cannot go back -- ever!
Therapists try to get you to go back, which is a big mistake -- even when it seems to work out.
Going back puts you in the same situation -- filling needs -- which feels to her like prostitution to her.
She has a low opinion of herself with you. You cannot fix that.
There is nothing you can do.
Everything you try to do is a good effort, but she still feels bad.
Your changes cannot change how she feels.
Even when you change into the perfect prince, she still feels bad.
Changing you does not change her.
You can give her everything she wants, but she still doesn't want you.
She ALWAYS has a history to fall back on, and can find all the bad you ever did as an explanation for her feelings.
What you are now is irrelevant.
You cannot do anything.
You cannot build an “account” of goodness.
All your “good” is bad in her eyes because you are a narcissist and you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.
You can’t get any “points.”
You cannot give what you don’t have.
Even if she acknowledges your efforts it has no value to her.
The more you try to get in her good graces, the more she will find wrong with you.
When two magnets are stuck together and one is turned around, the closer they get, the more they repel. She has turned around, the closer you try to get, the more you will be pushed away.
Trying to get close is the problem.
Your only option is to stop.
Stop trying to reconcile.
Stop doing what she wants.
Stop changing your behavior.
All the superficial changes are useless.
Stop trying to be different.
Stop looking to her for direction on what to do.
Stop trying to be the man she wants, needs, and desires.
Stop trying to be her savior.
Stop trying to be her prince.
Stop taking clues from her.
Stop trying to be close to her.
Stop seeking intimacy with her.
Stop trying to go back to “the way we were.”
This is not the movies; life is not like a “Hallmark Movie.”
This is real.
It is hard.
"bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love;"
Alma 38:12
All you can do is love her.
You love by letting go.
You love by being independent.
You love by allowing her to be independent.
You love by pulling back.
You love by changing your heart.
Your heart is your needs and desires.
You no longer need her.
You no longer desire her.
You let her go in your heart.
You appreciate who she is for her.
She is not as an extension of you
She does not live to fill your needs.
You step away from her.
You don’t fill her needs.
You don’t give her anything unless she asks.
You use common courtesy, be polite.
You don’t try to get close to her.
You have no ulterior motive.
You give up the quid pro quo.
You don’t want to be intimate with her.
She is just a friend, a roommate; two independent people living together.
You treat her like a friend -- kind and courteous, but not seeking anything.
Do nice things just to be nice, not because you want her to love you.
But, there is a problem.
You can’t.
You cannot change your own heart.
You cannot change your needs.
You cannot change what you desire.
You have no power over your heart.
You can deny them, but you can’t change them.
You can give up eating ice cream for years, but still desire it.
Men who have never had sex continue to have the desire.
Your basic needs are ingrained so inextricably into your heart and every fiber of your being, that you have no way to get them out.
Needs will not be starved out.
Desires will not be removed by cold therapy, fear therapy, or any therapy.
You can’t burn wants out.
Even death will not take away the needs.
Your heart is basic to your being.
As long as you exist, you will be you, and you will continue to have the same needs, wants, and desires.
As long as you have needs, you will be selfish.
What you really need is a mighty change of heart.
The Lord has the power to change your heart.
What you cannot do alone, He can do -- alone. He alone can change your heart.
“the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.”
Mosiah 5:2
Evil is worshipping other gods.
Evil is being dependent.
Evil is needing other people.
Evil is needing your wife.
Evil is using your wife to fill your needs.
Evil is having the need.
Good is being independent.
Good is doing the will of God.
Good is having a choice, not a need.
The need is the problem.
Your needs are the problem.
The Spirit of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent, is the answer, the ONLY answer.
Omnipotent means “all powerful.” He has all power to change your heart, something you have no power to do.
The only possibility of change comes from the Lord.
You will always be selfish, until you have charity.
"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,
Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil;
Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth;
Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things."
1 Corinthians 13:1-13
Charity is unselfish.
Charity is not something you aspire to because that is selfish.
Charity is not a skill.
Charity is not falling in love.
Charity is the love Christ had for us.
Charity is a gift, given to those who follow Christ.
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;”
Moroni 7:48
All you can do is pray, and follow Christ.
What did Christ do?
Christ gave Himself, sacrificed everything, and suffered death and hell for you.
“Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”
Ephesians 5:25
Make the sacrifice that He made -- willingly.
Love your wife.
For a long time, until you get a mighty change of heart, you just have to suppress your needs.
Give up your wants.
Acknowledge, but don’t give in to your desires.
Sacrifice your heart.
Let go of your needs.
Give her up, or the fantasy of her.
Let your heart break.
A broken heart is essential for salvation.
There are two things that happen when a person has a broken heart: either they get angry, bitter, and hard, or they become soft, humble, and submissive.
“and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”
Mosiah 3:19
Putting off the natural man is breaking your heart. The next step is to have a contrite spirit and become as a child: submissive, meek, humble, patient -- and full of love.
You cannot love until you put off the natural man in submission to God.
Cease to seek salvation in the world.
The gods of this world will not help you.
Your wife will not save you from loneliness.
Sex will not bring satisfaction; you don't need it.
Food will not fill you up.
Money will not give you rest.
Give up all that you want.
Let go of the fantasy of marriage.
Submit to the will of God.
The will of God is whatever comes upon you outside of your control or choice.
You don’t choose how your wife feels.
You can’t decide what she should do with her covenants.
You can’t make her stay, no matter how good you are.
You can’t make her go, no matter how bad you are.
All you can do is act for yourself.
You must take reality as the will of God.
What is happening is real.
Everything has changed.
It will not go back.
You must deal with what is, not what you want things to be.
Give up what you want and accept what is.
Seek a mighty change of heart.
Seek charity.
Make the sacrifice.
Give up your desires.
Become a man.
Be independent.
Grow up!
“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.”
1 Corinthians 13:11
She has already decided what she wants, and that’s not you.
She will decide if she keeps her covenants.
Your best way to keep her around is to be a man and let go of her.
“If you love someone, set them free.”
“...the Lord do so to me, and more also,” (Ruth 1:17)
If you love her, set her free.
You may be able to be her friend.
