My daughter is a sex therapist, and thought it would be good to teach classes in sex education to members of the Church. She believes that everyone needs instruction on sexuality to become comfortable with it and not be so prudish. She admits that ideally sexuality should be taught at home, but not everyone gets that education, so perhaps church would be a good place to learn this subject.
The underlying idea of her project is that sexuality is important. It’s not. People can live their whole lives without ever having a sexual relationship or even an orgasm. It’s like food. A person can subsist on food that is not tasty or stimulating without missing anything in life. If millions of people in India have never had a juicy steak, they are not less for it. They still have a life, they still have normal growth and learning. Likewise, those who do not have sexual relations are not ignorant or less intelligent in any way; nor are they less connected, or less intimate.
Moreover, the audience she is teaching is not appropriate because they are men and women who are not married. She chose to start with a group of people over thirty who are single. They don’t need sex education any more than a child would. They can't seek “sexual fulfillment,” so it just doesn't apply.
Besides, sexual fulfillment is a fantasy, because there is no way to ever be sexually fulfilled. It would be like finding “culinary fulfillment” by eating a good meal. Within a few hours, the meal is gone and I am hungry again. As Mic Jaggar sang, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” Sex is not a path to intimate fulfillment any more than food will abolish hunger.
Oversexed
Societies of the world have always been obsessed with sex. The media is filled with sex. Pornography is big business. Movies must have a sex scene to make them interesting. Sex is used to sell goods and services. Advertisers like to attach sexual desire to their products because, as they say, "sex sells."
This obsession is natural. People want sex, they need sex, but what they really need is only what sex symbolically represents. We look at sex as the objective the same as looking at a plate of tasty food when we’re hungry. It looks good, it smells good, and we desire the food to fulfill a need within, hunger. But, though the food is tasty, taste is not the objective of eating. Eating is for nourishment. If I only eat for taste, then I will be unhealthy. Candy, cookies, chips, and soda are tasty and have calories, but are not nourishing. Taste is a deception of nourishment; the package is not a real product.
Likewise, I can look at a woman and assume things about her based on what I see. Beauty makes me feel like she would be able to fulfill my desires. I fall in love because I believe that she can give me the connection I need. Beauty is the attraction of belief. I need, I want, I desire, and I believe she could be the one, she will fill the need. It is this belief which creates the strong desire.
However, this sexual attraction is selfish. Poets speak of the mystery of falling in love but there's no mystery. Falling in love happens for selfish reasons: "I believe she can fill my needs." It's all about me. Thus, falling in love is selfish. Filling each others needs is selfish. All the sexuality of the world is selfish, married or not. Even therapists trying to get couples to fill each others fantasies is just teaching selfishness. Sex education in the world is little more than mutual masturbation, using others to obtain personal sexual fulfillment.
Marriage
Most still see marriage as an answer. Having regular sex with a partner is like eating regular meals so you’re not hungry. This may seem to work for a time, but ultimately does not fill the need for connection. The couple finds that sex isn't satisfying. They may seek other partners, positions, or places, but remain unfulfilled.
Some will say that sex is only for reproduction because it is essential for having children. The desire to procreate was given so mankind would “multiply and replenish the earth.” But sex is not just for having children. It is also symbolic of a spiritual unity. It is the sacrament of matrimony. Some people take the sacrament unworthily, not having a commitment. They have sexual relationships, pretending to be united as one, but without a covenant. They are partaking in blasphemy, using what is sacred for their own selfish purposes. Even in marriage sex could be selfish. If the couple is not committed to unity, but rather seek their own fulfillment, then they are participating in the sacrament unworthily.
For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body. (1 Corinthians 11:29)
This sacrament must also discern the Lord’s body, and the sacrifice He has made. His sacrifice is called charity; it is pure love. In marriage the couple must each make a similar sacrifice of pure love, giving themselves for the benefit of the other. This takes years, even decades, for most. Each must develop trust in the other over time, not by being perfect, but by being there and staying committed. Trust comes from knowing the other. The sexual relationship is a part of that, where needs are met and barriers are down. One euphemism for sex in the scriptures is “to know.”
And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth. (Moses 5:2)
This is a deep knowledge. It is coming to know someone on an intimate level. One reason there is such a strong desire for intimacy is because that is what leads to wholeness. A complete human being is a man and a woman becoming one in spirit. This spiritual unity is the only way to fill the need permanently. The temporary gratification of desires through a sexual encounter only gives a brief respite from the loneliness. Filling that loneliness for good requires a relationship with God and a spouse. A couple that has unity with God completely and permanently fills the need, and takes away the loneliness. It’s like eating for nourishment instead of for hunger or taste. The food gives sustenance to the body and brings health so I always feel good, I always have energy -- my body always functions well. If I fast, I still feel good. My food fills my soul for good. For a couple that is united as one, sex is like nourishing food, filling and fulfilling the soul in completeness and wholeness, not just candy that is gone in minutes.
Sex Cannot be Taught
Each couple will deal with their sexuality in their own way as they come to know each other. This cannot be taught because it is different for each couple. This could include anything from ongoing regular sexual relations, to never having sexual intercourse. Yet, both extremes can have fulfilling relationships. Both can have unity with God. Sex may be a part of that, the same way taking the sacrament of bread and water may be a part of my covenant with Christ. The relationship cannot be taught by others. There is no "normal." This is only for the couple to work out together. Nobody must interfere in that process; they educate each other. There are only two things that can be taught to help the process.
As a physician I can tell people that they need to eat certain food, but the problem is, everyone has different tastes. I recommend broccoli, but, “I hate broccoli!” I cannot make blanket recommendations for everyone to eat, they won’t apply to many -- even most. Likewise, there is no way to explain spiritual unity being the greatest intimate experience. Nobody who hasn’t had the experience can identify with it. Instead, consider the only two things that can be taught.
The first part of sex education is to teach people to avoid “junk-sex.” All the things of the world that are selfish and self-stimulating, such as pornography, masturbation, literature, movies, or any type of sexual encounter outside of marriage between a man and a woman, including sexual fantasies. Sex is to be treated as something sacred, a mystical union between a man and a woman who are committed forever. Children are taught by their parents to reserve sexual experience to marriage as a sacred bond.
Junk sex is like junk food. Parents must teach their children to avoid eating for taste, filling their bodies with non-nourishing junk-food, as well as tobacco, drugs, alcohol, and so forth, avoiding the pitfalls of life that could keep them from being healthy in body and spirit. Each of the temporary pleasures of the world needs to have limitations and guidelines for people to stay healthy in mind, body, and spirit. It is not good to talk about the reasons because the more these are discussed, the more interest is stimulated. Don't eat sugar -- ever -- is a good guideline that will help the body be healthy. Don't take drugs -- ever -- is a good rule for a healthy mind. Healthy connections require a sexual rule that is similar: don't engage in any sexual activity unless you have an eternal commitment of husband and wife. Stay away from junk-sex, or all the selfish things that people call "love."
True Love
Avoiding indulgence is the negative part of sex education, but the most important part is for parents in the home to love each other, and teach their children to love. Love is going out of your way for the benefit of another. It is working to connect with my wife not for my own appeasement, to get what I want. A common theme in marital problems is "I'm not getting my needs filled." Love is just the opposite. It is neither getting what I want, nor is it giving my wife what she wants. Rather it is going out of my way to help her to grow. I give up what I want, and need, so she can improve, learn, grow, or benefit.
Jesus defined love:
Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends. (John 15:13)
There are two essential elements in this example of the greatest love, or charity. The first is to lay down His life. This is the sacrifice that is given freely. It is not an investment that seeks a reward. The second is that there must be benefit to others, “for His friends.” Someone must be benefited by the sacrifice. Both elements are essential. If I give, but nobody benefits, then my sacrifice is vain, and useless. For example, if I give my life by committing suicide, nobody benefits and that is not love. On the other hand, I can benefit others without any sacrifice and that is a fine thing, but, also, it isn’t love.
Love requires both a sacrifice and a benefit. Jesus made the greatest sacrifice for the greatest benefit. He is God, who came “down” willingly into my prison, Emmanuel, or God with us, to pay my ransom and get me out. He suffered the pains of the damned souls in hell, bleeding from every pore, for my sins because He had none of His own to suffer for. He laid down His life so I could be resurrected and return to Heaven. Everyone who has ever lived on the earth benefits from His sacrifice. Indeed, greater love is not found among men. This is charity, the pure love of Christ. If I am to be Christian for real, I must emulate Him, sacrificing myself for the benefit of others, learning this greatest love.
The best way to learn this love is with my wife. I sacrifice what I want for her benefit; giving up what I want or need. It is the opposite of falling in love, or the feeling of love. Instead of seeking my own desires, I am giving them up. Sometimes this means giving up a sexual relationship so I can have an intimate relationship.
Thus, the positive aspect of sex education is for each child to experience true love, both as they are loved by their parents, and as their parents love each other. As I exemplify this love, showing my children the way, then they will have the capacity to love their spouses, which enables them to become one, complete, and whole. It is this connection that is the intimacy represented by a sexual relationship. In a truly loving relationship, sexual intercourse is the token of a truly fulfilling, satisfying, and loving connection. This is real sex education.
