When I got married my expectation was to be prince charming who searched out Cinderella, got married, and lived “happily ever after.” I was disappointed to find that my wife did not trust me. I thought she was defective. She should automatically trust me because she married me. I would puzzle, “why did you marry me if you didn’t trust me?"
I now understand the "happily ever after" stories to be a metaphor for real marriage. All the movies about marriage where a boy meets a girl and has to convince her to marry him, and then they live happily ever after is a real thing, but needs a frameshift to put the truth into perspective.
First, the way the stories are told:
- Boy finds girl attractive.
- Boy tries to win her over.
- Girl likes boy.
- Vows are made.
- Happily ever after.
Now, let’s consider a shift out of storybook land, and into reality.
- Boy and girl get married.
- Boy works to win her heart.
- Girl trusts him with her heart.
- Marriage vows are fulfilled.
- Happily ever after.
The frameshift is that dating starts after you have a covenant; real marriage starts with the end of the storybook or movie. Marriage is the dating process where he is trying to win her heart, because only after making the covenant can the man begin to earn her trust. So the storybook wedding ceremony represents the fulfillment of the covenant, which may take many years of dating (marriage).
In the movie Groundhog Day a man must live the same day over and over until he can win the heart of his girl. He tries everything, being funny, witty, intelligent, charitable, and so forth, but eventually realizes that he must be trustworthy -- he needs to be himself. He becomes real and wins her heart, and his life then goes on with her. She trusted him because he was not putting on airs. This is a great metaphor for marriage. But, again, requires a frame shift. The man needs to learn to be himself after the wedding, and win her heart. He will make lots of mistakes, needing to repent and do it over and over again, until he gets it right, until she feels she can trust him.
Preparation for marriage
The story of The Princess Bride is classic. They know each other, and confess their love, then he goes off to seek his fortune and become a man. At the same time, she is told he is gone and must endure loneliness and become a woman. They come together finally and get married. The frame shift fits perfectly into reality. If we consider their confession of love for each other as the wedding, then each is working on their own maturity, after which they satisfy the covenant and come together forever. The wedding in the story represents the fulfillment of the marriage vows where she gives her heart to him. They are one, and live happily ever after.
Marriage requires preparation. It doesn’t begin with the marriage covenant, but rather the covenants of baptism, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and the endowment. The relationship with God comes first. Thus, preparation for marriage begins in early childhood as parents teach their children to trust in the Lord.
Importantly, parents show their children what love is by sacrificing for each other. A father is continually demonstrating how to earn the trust of his wife. Also, children are taught not to indulge in all the available “junk sex” such as pornography, sexual jokes, or innuendo in speech. The parents are clear that "junk sex" is like "junk food," which will only taste good for seconds, but will not nourish the soul. Instead, each child is taught to "think celestial," only seeking things that are eternal, like having an eternal marriage instead of temporary pleasures.
A boy must prepare by giving his heart to God. Over a period of years to decades, he learns to trust the Lord with all his heart, and becomes totally obedient to Him. Abraham trusted completely in the Lord when he was asked to offer his son Isaac as a sacrifice. He went and did as the Lord commanded. Isaac submitted to the Lord by submitting to his father to be the sacrifice. This is the level of trust in the Lord required for a man to ask his wife to trust him.
The Marriage Promise
Before a couple is married, they have no commitment, so there is no way for them to start on the path to unity. Trust cannot develop without the commitment. They can remain "girlfriend and boyfriend" forever but won't develop trust. Some prefer it that way because they can remain selfish. I knew one couple who had been married and divorced five times, ending up divorced and living together. They could not stand having a commitment, but they could live together, filling each other's needs without becoming one.
The path to "happily ever after" starts after the commitment is made. After they're married, the couple can start dating as the man works to engender trust in his wife through pure love. At that point, a man will be tested in every possible way to see if he is committed, and willing to live up to the covenant no matter what. He needs to put his wife first. He needs to win her trust, to prove himself worthy of her through sacrifice.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. (Ephesians 5:25-32)
The stories say he must slay the dragon to win her love; in reality he wins her heart by keeping his covenants, working with her, and sacrificing for her. He must be willing to do as Jesus did -- to die, or go into hell for her.
There are certain qualities that engender trust.
- Independence -- he must not be dependent on her, or need her in any way. He must be a man and stand sovereign, being able to take care of himself emotionally, physically, and in every way.
- Hard work -- he must be able to support her financially.
- Protection -- he offers protection, keeping her safe from harm.
- Meekness -- he must never hit or abuse, or in any way use his strength or power to manipulate her.
- Gentleness -- he must be kind and gentle -- a gentleman in every way.
- Love unfeigned -- this is not doing things for her and expecting a return. It is not "I do things for you, but you don't do anything for me." It is true love: "I serve you because I love you."
As he becomes trustworthy, she begins to trust him, and eventually gives her heart to him. This is how unity is developed, which is the greatest accomplishment of life. It is greater than building a billion-dollar business, being the greatest athlete, helping orphans, or being a king. It is the highest manifestation of life, becoming whole, and complete.
Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. (Proverbs 31:10)
The fulfillment of the promise of marriage is not an event, but a process that is measured in years to decades. But her value to him is worth everything he must sacrifice for her -- and so much more. Her value is infinite because she is priceless. His sacrifice is nothing compared to what he gets. She is the fulfillment of every dream. She is the embodiment of the purpose of life. Together they are complete, whole, and perfect, bringing eternal life. Their unity is the completion of the work and the glory of God.
