Last Sunday I read a book by James Ferrell called, "Falling to Heaven." I would recommend this book to all the "Pharisees" of the world -- like me. In it, he talks about how we don't climb to God, but rather paradoxically fall to Him. Only by falling at His feet do we receive His love and forgiveness, to be saved from our sins. "Every knee shall bow..." says the Scripture.
This morning I read in Mosiah where King Benjamin speaks to his people. After he tells them about their need for salvation, and how Christ would come to redeem them, he looked, and "they had fallen to the earth, for the fear of the Lord had come upon them. And they had viewed themselves in their own carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth." (Mosiah 4:1-2)
I see that I have put the cart before the horse. I have assumed salvation because of my "worthiness" in keeping the commandments of God. I have tried to climb the ladder to Heaven, thinking I was good and acceptable before Him because I was somehow better than others. I was smarter, I studied more, I kept the commandments better, I forgave everyone, I was doing all the things I was supposed to do so I would get preferential treatment at the judgment seat. I had proof because he had given me knowledge and wisdom. I was called the "gospel wikipedia" by the Elders at church! In short, I was using His gifts to me to prove that I didn't need Him.
In doing this, I have shut myself out of Heaven. I have made myself beyond the reach of God, not because He can't reach me, but rather because I have pushed Him away. I have also shut myself out of humanity. I cannot love, or be loved. I am above others, not with them. I cannot be with them as long as I remain above them. In this, I am lonely. I have ruined my family because I couldn't love them. I had no connection with my wife and children so it was easy for them to push me away. In my zeal to do everything right, I have really been doing everything wrong.
Thus, keeping the commandments doesn't qualify me for salvation. After King Benjamin commended his people for keeping the commandments, he went on to tell them: "And now I ask, can ye say aught of yourselves? I answer you, Nay. Ye cannot say that ye are even as much as the dust of the earth; yet ye were created of the dust of the earth; but behold, it belongeth to him who created you." (Mosiah 2:25)
Then, he told them about Christ, who would come to redeem them from this lost and fallen state. They believed his words. They believed in Christ. They saw themselves in their lowly state and cried to God to, "have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified;" (Mosiah 4:2) God then did give them their desires.
Now, I desire this blessing. I would like to see myself in my lost and fallen state. I would like to know my carnal state, even less than the dust of the earth. I want to understand the Atonement of Jesus Christ in my life. I want to see that I am NOT worthy, deserving, or in any way merit His love and salvation. I want to see the truth. I want to be free, free from the tyranny of my own needs and expectations. I want to be free of the desire to save myself by doing everything right. I want to be free of being above others. I want to become a part of humanity and receive the gift that Christ has to offer to the meek and lowly of the world. I desire to see my weakness, to expose every sin and transgression.
Oh Lord! Wilt thou not grant unto me my desire? Wilt thou not have mercy on me that I may be free? Wilt thou not open my eyes, unstop my ears, and soften my heart that I may understand the truth? Wilt thou not have mercy? Yea, I know that thou wilt answer my prayer. I know that in thine own time and way that I will see myself in the Light of Truth. I will know His love and redeeming power. I will come to know that I am nothing, unworthy, and that there is nothing I can do to escape my plight. I know that thou wilt grant this understanding that I may come unto thee, for this is the purpose for which thou hast created all things. Yea, this is the reason thou didst send thy Son to suffer, bleed and die in the garden and on the cross. I desire that I may come to thee. Wilt thou not grant my desire? I will give up all my sins to know thee. I only want to see what King Benjamin's people saw -- myself in my lost and fallen state. Oh! Have mercy on me! I pray, I plead, I beg of thee -- soften my heart, show me my weakness, show me the truth! In the name of thy Beloved Son, I pray. Amen.
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