"Alone Again, Naturally!"

I sit in my room at 4 a.m. and feel the loneliness envelop me like the darkness that surrounds me. The house is empty, except for me. Every creak and crack is just the house telling me that I'm alone, again, naturally.

I've always been a lonely person. I've wanted so desperately to connect with someone, anyone, but mostly my mom, dad, brothers, or wife. I've never been able to get there, until I married Karyn. She is in my heart and soul. I love her with a depth that I can't explain. I love her more than my life, more than any of the superficial wants, needs, desires, appearances, or qualities she or I possess. It's amazing, and beautiful. "Love is a many splendored thing!" But, behind it all is a dark spot that gives me a constant sense of impending doom.

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

Karyn told me about a man she visited yesterday. His first wife died, his second wife left him, and his third wife decided that he was sealed to the first and didn't want to share so she left him as well. Now, he's alone. His niece with her children who is in the middle of a divorce stay with him, and he takes care of them.  At 63, he doesn't intend to marry again.

The "lone and dreary world" is appropriately named. We are all disconnected, and as much as we try to connect, we so often fail. It sometimes seems better just to be alone than to suffer all of this failure to connect. Death and divorce are really hard on one who needs to love from the heart. We can then add to that all of the uncertainties of the next part of our lives when we leave the Earth, making the concept of "Eternal families" more challenging.

"Two people together, but living alone."

Karyn is in an LDS widows group which continually struggles with a unique challenge compared to all the other widows in the world. These women are sealed to men who are no longer on the Earth. This means they have commitments that are Eternal in nature, not just for here, but after this life. Because of this, it is so hard for them to find an LDS man to marry and be with; the men feel like they are only temporary stand-in's; they can only be married for time because the woman has another in Eternity.

My dad is in this situation. My father is divorced from my mother, and married to a widow. Her heart is with her first husband, to whom she is sealed with all of her children. That's her family. He's just a person with whom to share the loneliness of being away from the one she loves. My dad said to me one day, "I'm hoping your mother will reconsider when we get to the other side." I've talked to my mom about it, but her heart is nowhere near there. We don't suddenly change. Where does that leave him? We don't know, and we won't know until the resurrection -- unless God reveals it for his specific case. Until then, he lives with uncertainty.

"If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."

My situation is strikingly similar. I fight loneliness, knowing that the woman to whom I'm sealed is not interested in the slightest, and the woman to whom I'm married has an Eternal commitment to someone else, the father of her children. I'm just the temporary "Joe." She needs someone, for now, and so do I. "... It's better than drinking alone!" Her heart is with her first husband. However, I've fallen in love with her so deeply. I need her. I want her. She's the only connection I've ever had from the heart. She fulfills my dreams. She connects me to God, and Eternity, but... I don't know the final outcome so I continually live with a lone and dreary uncertainty.

Our problem is compounded by logistical realities that often leave me alone, and lonely. She can't live with me, and I can't live with her so we reside in different states. We have the benefits of visitation at times, which are wonderful and so good I can't even describe it; it's like Heaven. But then we're torn apart after a couple of days or weeks, back to our lonely worlds. For me, it's like hell. The contrast is extreme! Most of the time I'm alone, again, naturally.

"I really want to know you, Lord."

I suppose the purpose of all this loneliness is to teach me something about connecting with God. We come to Earth to experience death and hell -- a separation from God. It's supposed to be lonely. We're supposed to feel the need to connect with God. Jesus came to Earth to show us the way to make this connection and return to grace. When the Lord was asked which was the greatest commandment, He told the lawyers, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. (Matthew 22:37-38) Then he went beyond their question to shed more light, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22:39) This love is charity, the pure love of Christ. It's doesn't come out of loneliness, but rather desire, belief, faith, and hope.

I have always sought the Lord, but looked to my peers to fill my empty heart.  If I don't love my neighbor, I don't love God.  The connection with God brings the love of my neighbor, and vice-versa. They are alike, as Jesus said. I know this to be true, because it wasn't until I had a heartfelt connection to Karyn that I was able to love God, and feel His love. This also gives me the ability to love others, including my children, and step-children, father, mother, and brothers. From there, I'm sure it extends to all people -- in time.

 The loneliness dissipates when we are connected to God, which comes through the Lord, Jesus Christ. Mormon admonishes us how to seek and find this connection:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." (Moroni 7:48)

With charity, all of the problems of the lone and dreary world cease to exist. There is no loneliness. There is no hatred. There is no selfishness. There is no loss of connections. There is no worry or uncertainty with whom I will be after this life. The end result of charity is a connection with God and all people, never to be alone again, naturally.

The Wrong Road

After watching the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNQC-_srxH8

It's short, and worth watching more than once to understand the first sentence. I was struck by the fact that God allows us to take the wrong road at times to instruct us in certain ways.

I now see how the Lord warned me, but allowed me to go down the wrong road so that I would be assured of the right road. I know now what the right road is. I have no doubt in my mind or heart that salvation only comes in and through the Lord, Jesus Christ Omnipotent. I know that love comes from Him. I know that all gifts come from Him. I know that everything good comes from Him.

I know these things because I was on the wrong road and had to leave it to get on the right road. I spent many years wandering around the wilderness of the world:

I know the intellectual prowess of men.
I know the philosophies of men.
I know the religions of men.
I know the psychology of men.
I know the honors of men.
I know the business of men.
I know the scientists.
I know the riches of the world.
I was "married and given in marriage."
I've been from the Ranchitos in Caracas to private yachts on the Mediterranean.
I've been in the halls of the best universities in the world.
I've been with powerful decision-makers.

I've been there. I've seen them all. I know them all intimately. I've participated in everything the world has to offer. I've been in the "great and spacious building" -- all the way in and through it and back several times. I know it. There is no foundation. There is no intelligence. There is no lasting value of anything. All is vanity. Everything that is sought of the world gives, at best, only temporary relief of symptoms. It doesn't fill the need. There in no cure, no lasting value, no help, no heart, no spirit.  Every one of those is a dead-end.

I am grateful to the Lord for teaching me in this manner, allowing me to traipse through everything the world has to offer, to experience every dead-end, before allowing me on the straight and narrow path that leads to Eternal Life. I know me. I would always be second-guessing myself, wondering what the other road possessed. Had I not known and experienced all the dead-ends of the "great and spacious building" that is the pride of the world, I would assume, as Thoreau, that each lies equally good, equally happy, equally sad -- equal in all ways. I would have thought that "all roads lead to Rome." However, because of my experiences I know that there is only one road, only one way, and that way is through the Lord, Jesus Christ. There is no other way. Everything else is a deception, looking equal until you come to the dead-end.

I have caught hold of the Iron Rod, and pressed forward clinging to it. I have come to the Tree of Life and tasted of the fruit. It is most sweet above all other fruit, and brings true joy to the soul. It has substance, filling body and spirit with love. It is fulfilling to the greatest degree. There is a sure foundation, a knowledge of permanence. There is love to an infinite depth that nothing of the world can give. It is solid and sure -- bedrock. Knowing this, I cannot fall for anything the world has to offer. There is no temptation for me because there is nothing left in the world that I want. I know the difference.

I have hope.
I know faith.
I know charity.
I know the love of God.
I know priesthood power.
I know the tender mercies of God.
I have spoken the word of the Lord properly in His name.
I know the Lord, Jesus Christ.
I understand happiness.
I have intelligence.
I see Eternal Life.
I know joy.

Allowing me to travel down the wrong road for so many years has given me a perspective and strength of knowledge that I could not have gotten otherwise. Blessed be His holy Name!

Far Above Rubies

What is the value of a woman?

What is she worth to me?

In Proverbs 31:10-30 Solomon speaks of the value of a woman:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The money or trade of the world doesn't determine her value, she is far more costly and expensive than a king's ransom, or all the gold on Earth.

What is her real value?  Using the verses of proverbs, we will discuss what the world thinks her value is, and then what God thinks.

 

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She is trustworthy because her heart is with her husband, not set on the things of the world so he doesn't have to steal to bring her stuff. But this is still NOT where her value lies.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She is a blessing, a true helpmeet. Not just giving him what he wants, but rather helping him to grow and be better. Yet, this is NOT her true worth.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

Her value is NOT in what she can do. If she can do nothing with her hands she is not diminished.

She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

Her value is NOT in making exotic foods.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

Her value is NOT in getting up early and feeding her family.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

Her value is NOT in her business acumen, nor in her ability to make money.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

Her value is NOT in her muscular strength.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

Her value is NOT in her ability to stay up all night to take care of her things.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

Her value is NOT in clothing herself or her family.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

Her value is NOT found in her charitable acts.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

Her value is NOT in dressing her family warmly.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her value is NOT in being well-dressed.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

Her value is NOT in making her husband famous, or advancing his business.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

Her value is NOT in doing her own business, making her own money.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

Her value is NOT in her strength or the honors of men.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Her value is NOT in kind or wise speech.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Her value is NOT in her work ethic.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Her value is NOT found in the praise of her family.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

The woman who can do all these things is doing well, but her value as a daughter of God is so much greater than this.

Favour is deceitful,

The value of her abilities, talents, and favors does NOT show her worth. It is deceiving. It causes us to look on the outside of her, as if she were a business that can provide us with what we need, money, wealth, food, clothing, and the things of the world. She can do all these wonderful things and be the most gracious host and take care of all the business of a household, but this doesn't even come close to revealing her value.

and beauty is vain:

A woman doesn't have to be beautiful on the outside. Vanity is that which has no value, useless, or worthless. Her beauty doesn't belie her value.

but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

A woman doesn't need to do anything in order to have value -- only to fear the Lord. She doesn't need to please others. She doesn't need to do all the wonderful things listed above. She has intrinsic value as a daughter of God. Her value is in her closeness to the Lord. She is loved, praised, honored, and valued simply because she is an Eternal being. 

Because she fears the Lord, my wife is part of me. She is my heart. She is beloved, and I glory in her because she completes me and makes me whole, complete, and perfect. She doesn't complete my sentences or fill the gaps in my personality or intelligence. She fills the void in my heart. Without her I am nothing, not because of what she does, but rather because of what she is to me. Together we are Eternal. Love is forever, and is not dependent on abilities or beauty. I love her with all my heart. Her value is far above rubies.