My Three Sins

I always thought a sin was something I did, or didn't do. When I do something I shouldn't, that's a sin of commission. Also, when I don't do something I should, that's a sin of omission. However, now I see it differently. Henry David Thoreau said: "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one chopping at the roots." The leaves of evil are the manifestations, the outward signs, the part we can see -- the things we do, or don't do. The roots of evil are found in the heart, or why I did that. Why do I steal things? Why do I not fulfill my calling? Why do I look upon women with lust? Why do I lie? The root of the problem is in asking, "why?" I don't think we need to repent of the things we did so much as why we did them.

The Lord has revealed to me why I commit sins in my own life. The foundations of all my sins are found in the three desires of my heart:

1) Unbridled intimacy without sacrifice of my heart

2) Wealth without responsibility

3) Praise, glory, and the honors of men without earning it

These desires have been a part of me since the beginning. As a child I wanted these things given to me. I wanted them to come easily. I didn't want to put out any effort to get them myself.

However, as I thought about it more, I dug deeper and found that there is another level, the level of the heart. I did this by, again, asking "why?" Why do I want these things so badly? The underlying cause of these desires can be found in the needs that create them:

1) Loneliness

2) Insecurity

3) Guilt

In my heart, I conceived of a way to fill those needs with:

1) Sex to feel a connection with another. 

2) Money to be able to buy all I want in the world.

3) Honors of men to tell me I'm OK.

These work. They bring fulfillment of the need in the heart so they motivate everything I do.

1) I get married to fill the first need. I might have just lived with a woman or used many women but that would have prevented me from ever fulfilling number 3. I tried so hard to please my wife; I just wanted her to appreciate me and love me.

2) I work hard, I give to others, and expect others to give back to me, and they do.

3) I became a doctor to have honor and respect. I keep the commandments. I do things that are respectable and honest.

These all work. Each one does what it's supposed to do. They all fill the need in my heart. I feel fulfilled -- as long as I have them.

So, is the sin the needs in my heart, or the way I have chosen to fill them? The existence of the needs isn't really the problem, these are universal to mankind. Everyone has:

1) a need to be loved

2) a need for security

3) a need for forgiveness

My sins are in all the ways I seek to fill those needs that are of the world. The reason we call it sin is because it isn't true. There is nothing in the world that can fill the needs of the heart. As much as I try, the best I can do is temporary relief. The need remains, and remains unfulfilled. It fills the need, but it's like eating for hunger -- you just get hungry again.

Truth is forever. The true way is to fill the need permanently. The heart is changed when the need is filled by God.  When I look to him to fill my needs, then all I do is for Him. This is what it means to "love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind." (Matthew 22:37) He can:

1) fill my heart with love

2) provide for my physical and spiritual needs

3) forgive my sins and take away my guilt.

When I look to my Father in Heaven to fill my needs, then all of my thoughts, desires and motivations will be on Him. I will begin to put my faith and trust in Him, and let go of the things of the world. The feeling of love comes from a belief that something, or someone, can fill a need in my heart. If I believe that God can fill all the needs in my heart, then I will love Him with all of my heart. He can, and He does. It is permanent and abundant. There is no lack, no hunger, no thirst because the fulfillment comes from within.

"But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life." (John 4:14)

Repentance is letting go of the ways I have sought to fill the needs of my heart, and believing that God can, and will, fill them. I should not focus on the sin, trying to get rid of it, but rather focus on the goal, trying to obtain what I really need by seeking the Lord's help. So, what I really need, then is to look to God for:

1) Charity to fill my heart.

2) Trust in the Lord to give me my daily bread.

3) Purification and sanctification through the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Once I have these, I could say that I have repented of all my sins. All of them. Sins are not infinite, but God is. I'm not relegated to being a sinner all my life, even a repentant sinner. I have the promise that I can "be made white through the blood of the Lamb." (Alma 34:36) Since I can define the sins in my heart, I can turn my heart to the Lord and repent of each one. There are only three. How hard can it be? :-)