I never knew pain before. I was numb. Nothing could hurt me. Cold. Singularity. Alone. It wasn't until I married for the second time that I obtained a heart and felt love. A world opened to me that was amazing. A world of lights and colors, of warmth and dimensions. However, with all of that wonderful life came also pain, the pain of a broken heart.
Sarah and I had a rocky start. When Karyn and I announced that we were going to get married four years ago, Sarah, Karyn's daughter, would have none of it. She came home from college to visit, and clearly made it known that I wasn't welcome. She was the only one who didn't come to our wedding. But, it didn't hurt because I was numb to pain. She couldn't hurt me because I didn't care. I thought she was just being childish, and laughed about it.
But over the years we have grown close, and I have come to know and love Sarah. She worked for me, and we had long conversations on our commute to work. I have given her blessings and I have been able to see into her soul. I know how amazing she is. When she got engaged to Weston and they were having trouble getting him accepted into the family, she came to me and apologized for not accepting me right away. I love her, and she loves me. It's good.
However, a few days ago as Karyn and I were talking about wedding plans for Sarah, Karyn tersely stated that there would be no father-daughter dance at the reception in a couple of weeks because Sarah's father wouldn't be there. This was like a knife through my heart. I had a hard time recovering my composure -- it felt so bad! I immediately began to justify my pain. I was angry in my heart. "I can be a dad who pays for her college, mission, and wedding -- but not a dad who dances at her reception." I really love her, and I was being rejected -- again. But this time, it was like being punched in the stomach when you're not looking. I felt so wounded in my heart, deeply. Why did it hurt so much?
Physical pain is easy. There's a wound. You can see it. There is an obvious reason. It looks painful. However, pain in the heart is hidden. Some people use physical wounds to show how they feel inside, and cut, or otherwise hurt themselves physically. Others nurse old wounds for years broadcasting the death of a loved one, a cheating spouse, child abuse, or a serious injury or illness. For me, rejection really hurts, if I care. The reason it hurt the second time, and not the first, is because of love. When we love, we open ourselves to the possibility of pain. We are exposed. I love Sarah so it hurts to be rejected by her.
Before marrying Karyn my heart was closed, cold, and numb, and so was my life. I was protected, and nobody could hurt me. When my first wife wanted a divorce, I was sad for the loss of a dream, but in another way I was relieved, and it didn't hurt. I wasn't angry, and neither was she. After twenty years we still didn't have a heart for each other so our divorce has been easy. Now, I feel like I have an exposed heart. I can get hurt. And when I do, it's easy to become angry, vindictive, and spiteful. In my head I thought of how I'm not even going to show up for the wedding. "Just forget the whole thing. If you don't want me there, then I won't go." I want others to know how much I hurt. In my heart I want to scream -- "OUCH! This really HURTS!" It's easy to start whining and complaining about the pain, but that doesn't help me heal.
Commiseration
Years ago when I was having trouble in my first marriage and life I went to see a psychiatrist for counseling. The first time I drove to his office I had a thought that amazed me, "Someone is going to listen to me!" It was weird. I had never had that experience before. Someone was just going to sit and listen to all my problems. Wow! However, after many sessions I found that I was going nowhere. The complaining just made me feel bad all the time. One morning, while I was driving there I had the distinct impression that I should spend the time in the Temple, instead of with the psychiatrist. I went to his office and announced that this would be our last visit, that I would be going to the Temple every Tuesday morning from now on. That really changed my life. I stopped complaining and started rejoicing. I found joy in serving in the House of the Lord.
If we whine and complain about our pain, it becomes easy to close our hearts and be cold and numb. We become closed, and that prevents us from loving others. In my business I meet every day people who just want to be heard and understood how much it hurts in their heart. They want someone to listen to them. They want others to see or feel their pain, to commiserate, to be understood -- they seek compassion.
Compassion
The literal meaning of compassion is "to suffer with." We ask our friends, family members, or counselors to have compassion on us and feel the pain that is in our hearts, but that is not possible. Nobody can feel your pain. We can really only understand what we have personally felt and commiserate with others. If we have never been in a similar situation, we can't even do that. Mutual complaining feels like compassion, but it's a poor substitute. It's like eating a donut when you're hungry -- it feels like food, but it doesn't nourish the body. Commiserating with others feels like we are understood, but it doesn't really provide what is needed to heal the wound. We continue to hurt. Thus, people sometimes spend their whole lives seeking compassion, but only get more complaints. They never find compassion among their peers, and never heal.
Turn to the Lord
When the Nephites were being attacked by the Lamanites in the Book of Mormon the death count went into the tens of thousands. I don't know what the populations of these people were, but I can imagine that these were significant losses. The Lamanites would come into the cities of the Nephites with the intent to kill them, plunder their stuff, and subject them to slavery. However, the Nephites would put their trust in the Lord, fight like lions, and beat the Lamanites every time. Over a period of six centuries when they won, they would just let the Lamanites go home in peace, and then go back and take care of all the widows and fatherless left by the war. They didn't seek for revenge. They didn't complain to God that they were damaged, instead they fasted and prayed in great rejoicing that their nation was spared -- again -- and then prepared for the next time to defend themselves. Though they were hurt, they didn't complain, get angry, or seek revenge.
The Book of Mormon begins with a story about a family traveling through a desert with many problems such as hunger, thirst and fatigue. They are divided by those with faith in the Lord, and those who complain. God gives us everything we have, including trials, pain, and suffering. When we complain, we murmur against Him. However, He gives us another option. Jesus Christ asks us, "will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? (3 Nephi 9:13) Those who are converted to the Lord are healed of all their wounds. Our hearts are healed. The pain goes away, and we don't remember it anymore. Jesus explained this concept to His disciples:
"A woman when she is in travail hath sorrow, because her hour is come: but as soon as she is delivered of the child, she remembereth no more the anguish, for joy that a man is born into the world. And ye now therefore have sorrow: but I will see you again, and your heart shall rejoice, and your joy no man taketh from you." (John 16:21-22)
When God heals the heart, there is no way for any mortal to injure us.
Moses tells us the story of Enoch in the Pearl of Great Price. It is worth reading the whole thing, but I'll just give a summary here.
Enoch is taken up to God, and he sees the whole Earth. He notices that God is looking at the people on the Earth and weeping. "And Enoch said unto the Lord: How is it that thou canst weep, seeing thou art holy, and from all eternity to all eternity?" (Moses 7:29) How can the greatest of all be sad and cry? God answers that those people are His children, and He loves them, but He gave them the freedom to choose and they didn't choose Him so they will suffer. He has compassion. He feels their suffering. He knows them intimately. He really suffers with them, and weeps over them.
It is important to note that the Lord is not commiserating with Enoch. In fact, when Enoch understands the suffering of his brethren he also has compassion. "And as Enoch saw this, he had bitterness of soul, and wept over his brethren, and said unto the heavens: I will refuse to be comforted." (Moses 7:44) "but the Lord said unto Enoch: Lift up your heart, and be glad; and look. And it came to pass that Enoch looked; and from Noah, he beheld all the families of the earth; and he cried unto the Lord, saying: When shall the day of the Lord come? When shall the blood of the Righteous be shed, that all they that mourn may be sanctified and have eternal life?" (Moses 7:44-45) The comfort, joy, and good news is that Jesus Christ comes to save all those who mourn, who have pain, and who need comfort.
"Behold, he offereth himself a sacrifice for sin, to answer the ends of the law, unto all those who have a broken heart and a contrite spirit; and unto none else can the ends of the law be answered." (2 Nephi 2:7) Only the Lord can save us from our sins. Only He can heal our hearts. There is no other way. We can commiserate all our lives, but will never find healing until we come to the Lord and give our broken hearts to Him. He truly has compassion; He will heal all hurts, all pain, and all suffering.
Saints
We therefore do not complain to our peers about our pain and suffering, but rather bring it all to the Lord. Rather than go to counselors or psychiatrists, we come to Him with all our hurts, not to complain that we unjustly suffered and seek revenge and justice, but rather to seek healing with a humble heart, forgiving all those who hurt us -- no matter what! While our associates, family, friends and so forth cannot help us, God truly can comfort us in our sorrows. He can heal any wound. He can make it all better, and allow us to rise up and be happy, joyful, and have peace, no matter how badly we've been injured.
My reaction to rejection is not healthy. Getting angry because of the pain only makes the pain worse, and prolonged. It doesn't help anyone for me to go to Karyn or Sarah and tell them I was hurt, or to be angry with them. The best way to handle the pain of life: loss, rejection, suffering, is to turn to God and humbly thank Him for all the experiences that help us to grow and learn. I only needed to come to the Lord. When I did, He explained to me that Sarah needs a lot more time to get over the loss of her father, and that she is still hurting inside. She would feel disloyal to her father to have me stand in, adding guilt to her pain. He further told me that my position in the family is to be a light, an example, and not to substitute for Eddy. In giving me this knowledge I was comforted. He helped me to understand, and now I can still have an open heart and love her. I'm not angry. The pain is gone, swept away by pure knowledge.
What's more, when we come to know the Lord and find comfort, we can truly help others who hurt. The true followers of Jesus Christ will also "mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." (Mosiah 18:9) Which is how we "stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in." (Mosiah 18:9) When we understand the Comforter, then we can bring others to the Lord for comfort. We may speak to them the words of the Lord. We may speak by the power of the Holy Ghost and give them comfort in their sorrows. Thus, we can help each other pass through this "vale of tears" without becoming angry and bitter.
The difference is dramatic. While God Himself weeps for the lost of His children, He rejoices for those who are spared through the sacrifice of His only begotten Son. Those who commiserate with others, justify pain, or become bitter and angry bring only misery to both themselves and others, while those who turn to the Lord are healed and can have compassion, and continue to live, laugh, and love -- in spite of sorrow or suffering.
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