Yesterday a middle-aged executive came in for a physical exam. His only concern was a lack of libido, and he was wondering if a shot of testosterone would fix it. He's successful in business, he has a nice family, and a beautiful wife to whom he is faithful. He eats well, exercises daily, and is otherwise healthy so it doesn't make sense to him that he should struggle with this issue.
Young men have a sex drive that is similar to everyone's hunger drive for food. When a person is really hungry, food that was previously unappetizing becomes gourmet, such as caviar, truffles, and escargot. In the same sense, men who are starved for affection will go to any lengths to get what they need. When young men get married they become very attached to their wives, partly because she continually fills this need.
As we age, however, things change. The hunger or desire wanes, and many men complain of decreased libido. Maturity changes our needs. We no longer just need a sexual encounter, now we need a connection. Young men give love for sex, older men have sex for love. The need is totally different, in fact, opposite. The young man is selfish in getting his needs filled, but the older man needs a connection from the heart in order to feel sexual. It's more about the connection; mature intimacy is the expression of a connection from the heart. The young man wants a physical connection while the mature man seeks true love.
Maturing in love
Immature love is based on need; we love someone or something that either fills our needs, or we believe could fill them. This is how we can "fall in love" with someone we don't know -- we only need to believe they could fill the need. Immature men look at women with this in mind. The question is always implicit or explicit, "Could she fill my needs?" If the answer is, "Yes," then he could fall in love with her. She will look beautiful to him. In many cases this is reversed, just because she looks beautiful he believes she could fill his needs, and falls in love with her. He doesn't have to know her at all.
The effect of immature love is that as long as each fills the needs of the other, they remain content in the relationship. There is a "give-and-take." Possession is inherent in this arrangement. Young men easily become jealous of their wife, guarding their own territory, or protecting their needs. They are willing to "protect and provide" for the wife that fills their need, or, as one author put it, "to swim through shark-infested waters to bring her a glass of lemonade." This is the kind of love that most songs, poetry, and romantic stories portray.
Mature men, however, have a completely different way of relating to women. The needs of a mature man are not just sexual, but rather a sense of unity and true love. They need a connection from the heart. She becomes his need, his heart, and his ability to feel. They become one because the wife provides a heart for her husband. This is his need. Without her, he cannot feel. He begins to understand the difference between a physical need, and the emotional need. As his emotions grow, his needs change. He now wants, and needs, an emotional bond to fill his heart. He understands that only having a physical relationship keeps him lonely; while a sexual encounter could make him feel connected briefly, like a piece of candy fills the need for food, he now sees that his heart can be filled forever with a true connection. The candy is no longer sufficient, he wants real, nourishing, food -- a heart.
A difficult transition
The transition from immature love to a mature love is also a subject of many books, poems, songs, and stories. It's a hard transition, and many don't survive it. Those who want their relationship to continue on as before, filling each other's needs, often go outside of the relationship to fill them, ending in tears. The promise wasn't fulfilled because they didn't stay with the program, causing bitterness and anger. Couples fight for one reason, and one reason only; they are asking the question, "Do you love me?" If they don't get the answer they need, they become insecure in the relationship, creating more problems. Without this security, there is no way to transition from immature to true love.
A wife who doesn't have a heart because she is calloused from abuse will be unable to provide for this need. Thus, a man protects his wife's heart and would never hurt her in any way. He also wants a woman who hasn't given her heart to another. If she has trauma from previous relationships, she may have a hard time giving her heart to her husband. Women raised in a modern society become like men, seeking political power and sexual relationship so they can keep their hearts. They live on the emotional candy of orgasm. Some have multiple lovers before they ever get married. Such a woman can relate well to an immature man, having a platonic sexual relationship, but will not be able to form a mature relationship because she cannot give her heart, only her body. The couple, then, doesn't have a heart. They may be married for many years just continuing to fill each other's needs in a physical relationship, but never making a connection from the heart.
In order to find true love each of the couple must let go of the very needs that brought them together. Needs keep them selfish because each requires the other to fill them. Thus, the very existence of needs prevents true love. Women most often need strength, stability, and support -- financially and otherwise, while men need sex. Thus, as a man gets older he may lose his desire, or ability, for physical intimacy which initiates the transition to true love.
Choosing true love
Sometimes a spouse becomes disabled, and is no longer able to fill the needs of the other. In our society, we expect, and even encourage the one who remains intact to leave the relationship. The expectation is that if one is not getting his needs filled, he is no longer bound to stay. However, we find that those who do stay, putting aside their own needs and tending to the needs of their partner, become stronger in love. Those who have such trials often say, "I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!" Love comes not from filling needs, but rather by sacrificing those very needs.
Another option is to choose to love. This is done in the same way, by sacrificing our own needs and seeking instead to fill the needs of our spouse. This, of course, requires that we come to know our wife in such an intimate way as to know what she needs. The default is to fill "wants," but that may be destructive to both the individual and the relationship. When children are young, parents are mostly careful to distinguish between wants and needs for them. The child who wants to eat only ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, is often disappointed that the parents will give them nourishing food instead. Thus, the parents love their children.
The point of choosing to love is to change the focus from getting my needs filled to filling her needs. The question of, "Do you love me?" needs to change to, "Do I love you?" and then, "How do I show that love?" Helping our wife be secure in our relationship will help her to transition from immature love to true love because she will feel the ability to give her heart. The more she has an open heart, the easier and smoother the transition from immature, to true love. The man assists this by helping her feel secure. He does not threaten, hurt or force in any way. He doesn't become angry or grumpy. He doesn't insist on his way, or his needs. He would never have any form of intimacy outside of the relationship, not even to look at other women. Things like flirting or pornography are so far from him because he no longer seeks these immature forms of love -- he wants only true love and knows that the heart of his wife is his only desire. He doesn't go to the doctor to get testosterone, Viagra, or anything that would prolong the immature phase of their relationship.
Instead, he looks to help his wife feel secure in their relationship. He protects the heart of his wife from all insults because her heart is the key to them becoming fully human. He makes sacrifices for her. He gives to her. He loves her always. He takes time away from those things he wants to do in order to spend time with her. He asks questions to get to know her. He asks what she thinks and how she feels. He seeks to know her heart -- her wants, needs, and desires -- and connect with her through them. This is not selfish in the least, but rather self-sacrificing. He doesn't do these things as a manipulation to get her to give him what he wants. Rather, his intentions are to know her and give her security in their relationship. Thus, the man is the leader, or the catalyst, that makes the transition from immature love to true love by making a willing sacrifice of his own needs.
Ménage à trois
True love doesn't just happen, rather it is sought and planned each step of the way. However, since neither has ever experienced true love there is no way to plot a course to get there. For this reason, every loving relationship requires a third member. We think of a couple as two individuals coming together in unity and love, but true love requires a trio. The third member is Love, "for God is love." (1 John 4:8) Without God there is no way for unity to happen. A couple can only become one in Him for two reasons. First, only He knows the path to take from selfish love to true love, and second, He brings the security that is so vital to giving the heart.
The transition in a marriage from selfish love to true love is never automatic. It's God who knows the way for us to become a single unit, a complete human being. He shows us the way. Without His hand in our relationship there is no way for us to even know what the next step would be. We must put our trust in Him and take each step as it is given. The path is different for each. For some, it will be disability or hardship, and for others it will be promptings of how to put his wife above his own needs. In some cases, losing the desire for sexual gratification is the next step -- though this may be frightening to many men because he feels it's the only thing binding him to his wife. He must put his trust in God and continue on in spite of his weakness. This is different for each couple so no "How-to book" will be adequate to show them the way. The couple only has God to guide them.
The other reason it is so essential to include God in our marriage is that He has the power to fill all of our needs. Once each of us comes to love God and trust in Him, He fills our needs, allowing each of us to be free to love. When we no longer need one another we can give of ourselves from the heart. The Comforter gives assurance to us as we repent, or let go of our carnal nature, allowing any sacrifice to be made. With the assurance of God, a man may easily let go of his youthful needs, and his wife will feel secure and be free to give her heart. In this way God becomes an integral part of our relationship. The three make us whole, complete, and finished.
Becoming complete
A man is not a whole human being any more than an bee is a complete organism. The individual bee is dead without the hive, and a man is lost without his woman -- and God. The three of them make a complete human being that has infinite potential. True love brings with it things that a selfish individual could never imagine: kingdoms, principalities, powers, dominions, and infinite connections with all that exists. The hive truly is amazing, compared to the individual bee. True love is worth all the sacrifice that could ever be made. A middle-aged man going to the doctor to try to get his libido back is so backward, regressive, and provincial. If instead he chooses to take the path of true love, he will find new worlds of light, happiness, peace, and joy. For, "men are, that they might have joy." (2 Nephi 2:25)
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