It's common for single men and women in their thirties to wonder why they aren't married. They often want to get married, but never fall in love because they don't need anyone. Those needs are often filled by friends, roommates, classmates, and an endless stream of boyfriends, and girlfriends, all of whom are interesting, but who don't seem to have chemistry. Since they don't need anyone, they will not "fall in love" with anyone. Love, at least the immature love of cathexis or infatuation, is based on a belief that a person could fill your needs.
But reality is way different; true love is actually based on principles that we can learn and practice. Rather than leaving everything to chance, there is a good way to seek a mate that will almost assure a "happily ever after!" There are three things that are most important in this endeavor, that far outweigh "falling in love." These are simple, easy to learn, and available to everyone. They are no mystery.
1. Have the same goals
2. Respect and admire their character
3. Enjoy their company
All three are essential to having a great relationship. If you find an excellent person with matching goals and great character, but with an annoying personality any kind of relationship would be a struggle. If you have the same goals, but do not have character to reach them, then the relationship will not work. If you both have excellent character and enjoy each other's company, but have different goals you will only grow further apart as you progress towards your individual goals.
Goals
When we are dating we think it's so important that we like the same things and are able to "finish each other's sandwiches," enjoy the same restaurants or movies, have the same workout routine, or have the same hobbies. This is much less important than knowing your own ultimate desires, as well as his or hers. Those who start a relationship with a lot in common, but have divergent goals will move further apart and end up separated, emotionally or physically -- or both.
The first thing to consider is the goals of your love interest. The best match are those who have the same goals, who are headed in the same direction, and want to be in the same place. The two of you could be worlds apart now, but if you have the same goals you have a good chance of coming together. On the other hand, having a lot in common, except your ultimate goals, is a recipe for disaster. This is why those who are of the same religion make a better match.
Some very important goals right now, may not be so important later. A young person may be focused on education and building an income, for example. It is common to assume that because a couple is in agreement on these, they are compatible. This, however, may change. Another common issue is a desire for children. Some may desire to have a large family, but while it's important to have some compatibility in this, we don't always know if we are able to have children. Thus, the important goals to look for aren't just what we want out of life, but rather ultimate goals.
When I was thrown into the dating scene at the old age of 47 I was overwhelmed by the plethora of options. I didn't know what to do! I could end up with a younger woman and start a family all over again, or someone with multiple children, or anything in between! I wasn't sure how to choose, or what to do to begin. One day I was with a friend who lost her husband, and we were discussing eternal things. She had been going to the Temple every week while her husband was sick to help her keep in touch with God. A light went on at this point, because this is exactly what I was doing while going through my divorce. Over a short time I realized that she had the same ultimate focus that I did -- we had the same goals. We have been married for over four years and it just keeps getting better as we come closer to each other because we are striving to reach our mutual goals.
The way to know our own goals, or those of others is to ask:
- What do you love more than anything?
- What do you have your heart set on?
- What are your basic needs?
- What are your deepest desires?
- What is really important to you?
- What would you sacrifice everything else in the world for?
- What would you die for?
- What do you live for?
Character
Rather than looking for physical attraction, or that "je ne sais quoi" we need to consider the character of the individual. The belief that another could fill your needs would be wrong if he or she doesn't have character. In the movie Into the Woods, Cinderella marries Prince Charming and finds out he's been unfaithful to her. When she confronts him, he replies, "I was raised to be charming, not sincere!" He only thought of his own needs. He wasn't able to truly love because his selfish nature wouldn't allow him to keep his promises. How many couples end up in this situation! This is the importance of knowing the character of the person you might consider marrying.
Being a good judge of character requires you to get to know a person. We don't automatically know what a person is made of, we must watch them closely in a variety of situations. Stress is the best way to judge character. One of my friends was on a surfing date in Mexico with her boyfriend. They went into a gas station and came out just in time to watch the truck with all of their stuff get stolen. Her date watched his new pickup with his favorite surfboards speed off into the dusty Baja desert for a minute before he turned to her and said, "Well, I guess we need to find another way home!" She was so impressed with his composure under such stress that she decided then and there she wanted to marry him. They've been happily married for 20 years.
Signs of good character include:
- Keeping commitments
- Continuously learning
- Unselfishness
- Lack of addictions
- Grace
- Cares for his/her own health
- Forgiving
- Happy
- Clean and organized
- Not easily provoked to anger
- Loyalty/faithfulness
- Courage
Enjoyment
The last, but probably no less important, is to find some one you enjoy being with. A friend you can talk with, and have fun together is essential to building a relationship. Having someone who has great character, and shares the same goals, but you don't enjoy their company may not form a great relationship. There needs to be some form of "chemistry" that brings enjoyment. Someone you might be friends with no matter what.
It's important to understand that we don't always like, or want to be with any one individual. There will be times that it will be necessary to be apart, but when you come back together you will still enjoy the other's company. It isn't necessary to second-guess yourself if you want other friends, or have other interests that don't include your spouse. The important thing is that you enjoy the company of your significant other.
The Dating Game
Knowing these three principles can open up a whole new world of possibilities -- and impossibilities -- for dating. We fall in love when we believe that the other will be able to fill our needs. This belief doesn't have to be a mystery, or out of our control. We can decide to fall in love when we know that our intended one has the qualities that truly can fill the need. Knowing the goals, and character of one we enjoy being with will assure that love will not only happen, but will be lasting and continuously growing. This knowledge puts us in control of our love life!
Don't leave love to chance. Knowing what we're looking for will change the odds dramatically of successfully finding a "soul mate." After all, what is a soul mate if it isn't someone we respect, admire, share the same goals, and enjoy being with? This is the person that truly can fill our deepest need, that of a connection, or becoming one. Unity of heart is the end result of following these three principles, which is "true love" and leads to our own "happily ever after."
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