Why Men Need a Wife

Yesterday my daughter and I were talking about the difference between men and women in their relationships as roommates.  She was saying that girls need to connect so they have a continual party in the apartment, staying up until after midnight talking and laughing, then getting up in the morning and talking.  Boys, on the other hand, barely say a word to each other as they're focused on other things.  When they do talk, it's usually about dating strategy -- how to get dates, and how to get the date to do what you want.  I know how this works, because I know a lot of guys.

About ten years ago I paid thousands to go to a weekend internet business conference run by a successful entrepreneur whose business was a dating web site for guys.  He wrote endless articles about dating, and millions of guys subscribed to his website.  There are a lot of guys who are dating.

I would never have use for a dating service because I wasn't interested in dating.  Only as a teenager did I have any interest in dating.  As soon as I finished college I was looking for a wife.  Then, when I was again faced with the prospect of being single in my 40's, I didn't mess around with dating strategies -- I wanted results!  I was only interested in getting married.  I was looking for a single permanent relationship, and not a temporary friend.  I didn't want to kiss anyone -- I wanted to go all the way!  Every woman I met was a prospect for marriage.  I wasn't looking for the perfect person, I was looking for anyone I could live with who would have me.  I need to love.  I need to be loved.  I'm not emotionally independent.  I'm very needy.

Apparently, there are many men in their thirties sitting around talking about dating lots of girls with their focus on temporary relationships, making-out, or whatever.  They aren't needy, emotionally, but rather independent, or pretending to be.  They don't think they need a woman to care for them, to love them, to comfort them, and to give her heart to them.  They're comfortable not knowing the joy of having a real, heartfelt connection with a woman.  They settle for a kiss because it feels good, it's stimulating, and almost feels like love.  The token approaches, but never arrives at real love.  They don't know what they need.

If he can't see the need, a man cannot overcome the fear of marriage.  It's a huge commitment to get married, to sacrifice freedom and be stuck with one person forever.  If the need for freedom and independence is greater than the need for love, then the focus will be on independence -- and dating.  This way it seems like they could have both; they can remain independent, doing what they want to do, and still have relationships that approach intimacy.  But it's not real.  They need their own lives more than they need a family, and love.  These young men don't realize how much they need a woman.

What men really need
It isn't good for a man to be alone.  Men need a woman in order to be complete.  Without a woman we are only half-human.  A whole human being is a man and a woman together.  The commitment forces us to get outside of ourselves, outside of our own selfish wants and needs, and begin to connect with others.  I'm convinced that without marriage men become severely retarded in their growth.  Like Henry Higgins, they become confirmed bachelors, wondering "why can't a woman be more like a man?"  They never learn to give of themselves, or receive a heart.  Brigham Young is purported to have said some variation of, "Any single man over 25 is a menace to society."  Though he may not have actually said that, church leaders still encourage young men to get married as soon as they are able.  Marriage allows men to grow.

In one sense, God's most important work is Supreme Matchmaker.  The goal for each of His children is Eternal Life, and marriage is the essential part of that achievement.  Without marriage there is no life, or increase.

In the celestial glory there are three heavens or degrees;
And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood [meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage];
And if he does not, he cannot obtain it.
He may enter into the other, but that is the end of his kingdom; he cannot have an increase.

(D&C 131:1-4)

Just as baptism is essential for entrance into the celestial glory, marriage is an essential ordinance for entrance into the highest degree of that glory.  Only a couple can move on to the next level, everyone else in the celestial, terrestrial or telestial glories stays the same forever.  They don't have eternal life.  This is why it is so important to God that His children marry in the temple.

Higher needs
Motivation for all things is based on need.  People will seek what they need, and will find it.  I had a patient at the Venice Family Clinic, a retired engineer who had a rent-controlled apartment in Santa Monica, and a good retirement, but he needed freedom so he gave up his comfortable lifestyle to sleep every night on the beach.  He enjoyed his homeless life, though there was lots of discomfort, because his need for freedom was most important to him.  We will sacrifice anything to fill our needs.

The problem is that we fall in love with whatever we believe will fill our immediate needs.  If we don't feel the need to be married, we will not fall in love with anyone.  So, if we are waiting to fall head-over-heels in love in order to get married, it's not going to happen.  Ironically, it doesn't matter if we feel the need for sex, children, or just companionship, even selfish needs that bring couples together can lead them to love if they are willing to make the sacrifice.  They still have that choice.

As free agents, we have the ability to choose how we will live our lives.  The choices we make will be based on our perceived needs.  Everything we choose fills a need.  When there are conflicting needs, the most important one will win out, and the other will be sacrificed.  Many people only live according to their immediate needs of air, food, water; others fill secondary needs for sex, entertainment, taste, and rest.  Young men who think they need freedom and independence more than a heart will be looking for dating strategies, and not a wife.  We end up with what we feel we need.

Choice
Some know in their heads that there is more to relationships than dating, but they don't feel the need to be married.  Without a strong drive they don't fall in love, and persist in their independence.  However, knowing is enough to make a choice to fulfill those needs.  It is so hard to sacrifice an immediate need for one that we don't feel, but we can choose marriage, even when we don't feel the need.  We have the ability to consciously choose to sacrifice independence in order to have love.

All too often people make the wedding vows, and afterwards realize what is required, often becoming disenchanted, or even bitter about this sacrifice.  They want to have both a connection and independence -- though they are mutually exclusive.  These will often have affairs outside of the marriage, asserting their independence, and not fulfilling their covenant.  They're still dating.

Those who make the sacrifice and work hard to fulfill the covenant of marriage find out, after they have given all, that marriage is really what they needed.  They are fulfilled.  They are complete, and whole.  They have a heart, and know love.  They have a connection and find joy in life.  They will always say that what they sacrificed was NOTHING compared to what they received.  They even say that their freedom and independence has paradoxically increased because now they have more choices for growth.

The problem is that we cannot know in advance what we really need, or rather what will truly fill the needs we have.  God knows.  When we follow the Lord and willingly make every sacrifice He requires He will guide us to true fulfillment, joy, and happiness.  Whether we feel the need, or not, marriage will always be an essential part of that.