True Love

We cannot give what we don't have.  If we are looking to be loved, then we cannot love.  If we don't have any love to give, then we cannot truly love.  Instead, we give fake love.  We are very familiar with fake love because it's constantly all around us.  The words, "I love you" generally refer to fake love.  Fake love is all the things people do to manipulate us into doing what they want.  Let's look at a few examples.

Needs
Fake love is very often found in need.  We cannot love anyone or anything we need.  Need always has conditions: "I need _____ in order to _____ ."  But love has no conditions.

This may happen in marriage.  For example, if a husband needs his wife to fill his loneliness, then he pretends to love her by trying to fill her needs.  As long as they fill each other's needs, each continues to feel as if the other loves them.  However divorce is imminent when either, or both, are not getting their needs filled.  They may recognize previous contributions of their spouse, but feel like, "What have you done for me lately?"

When parents need their children to love them, then they cannot love their children; they cannot give what they don't possess, nor supply what they need.  This reversal of roles is what underlies all child abuse.  Parents who use their children to fill their own needs are abusive.  Sometimes it's blatant, such as sexual abuse, however, most of the time it's more subtle.  Fear is the opposite of love so when parents try to protect their children out of fear, it is a form of fake love.  Even more subtle would be the desire for the children to be an extension of the parent, "a chip off the ol' block," or in any way expecting a child to follow in the parent's footsteps.  When parents need their children to be, or do, or say, or in any way fill a role in the family that isn't for the benefit of the child, it is fake love.

Sometimes we have friends who need us.  They cannot love us because we cannot love anyone we need.  When the need is no longer there, being filled by another, for example, the friendship may dissolve.  The old saying goes, "A friend in need, is a friend, indeed."  But that need is not love, it is need.  There is nothing wrong with need, and certainly nothing wrong with exchanging help to fill needs, however, it isn't real love because it's conditional.

All the Lonely People
When we come of age, and look around, we find very little real love.  We find fake love everywhere.  The cycle of fake love goes on because of the hope that it will work, though it never does.  Unless we decide to change, we all just end up doing the same things our parents did to our children, only in different ways.  Thus children don't grow up knowing love.

Those children then move out into the world seeking love, and find none.  Everyone is looking for love, but nobody has any love to give.  They get boyfriends and girlfriends hoping to be loved, but all they get is filling needs.  They are married, but the expectation of filling needs only becomes greater.  They may have children hoping to be loved, but find children are needy, and can't love.  After a time, many give up ever trying to find love.

Some bury themselves in selfishness, their work or their habits, filling their need for love with fame, fortune, food, or fun.  Their business is busy-ness; their occupation occupies their time, distracting them from their true need.  Their relationships aren't connected or intimate.  They eat to fill a need that cannot be filled with food so they get fat.  Money seems to fill the need because we can buy love, but only fake love can be bought.  Thrill-seekers are also looking for love, but not able to fill the need with a greater high.  All the things we do, all the mountains we climb, all that we endure for love is wasted on fake love.

Fake it 'till you make it
Most books on love look at the superficial aspects of relationships, most often filling needs.  One school of thought is to use the needs of another in order to manipulate them into filling our own needs.  There are few needs that make people feel loved, or love languages.  Using the needs of another to "make them feel loved" is just another form of manipulation.  It isn't real love.  Couples go to counseling to learn how to love each other, but are only taught how to manipulate by filling the needs of the other.  Anytime there is a condition placed on love, "I love you if..." or "I love you when..." it is fake love.

Self-help psychology books on love are nearly always based on feeling loved, instead of being loved.  They work on the leaves, the trappings, or the superficial aspects of what looks like love from the outside.  Sometimes they advocate giving service to others as a way to love, which may be true, but love is not about what you do, rather why you do it.  If we give service so that we can feel loved, it is only another form of manipulation, and is temporary, at best.

Everyone knows, but nobody will say, that our efforts to love and be loved are all fake.  We want fake love.  We want to be accepted just the way we are, and have no strings attached.  We want to avoid growth.  Thus, on both sides we are giving and receiving fake love willingly and happily, as long as it is available.  When it isn't, we may become depressed, anxious, hopeless, or hard-hearted.  But even receiving fake love will eventually cause us to become disillusioned.

We are told that we need to "fake it 'till we make it!"  A young couple is supposed to fall in love and fill each other's needs with fake love until they grow into real love.  But just as often this ends badly, not just in divorce, but in unhappy marriages or domestic partnerships with parallel lives.  Children grow up with childish parents who are affectionate and use words of love, but aren't really loving.  Faking love is fake love.  Fake love is the sacrifices we make in an attempt to fill our own need of being loved.  Faking it doesn't work, it doesn't fill the true need to love and be loved -- to share love -- real love.

Real love
This is not to say that real love doesn't exist, but rather it is precious and rare.  Only those who are filled with love are able to give love to others.  Parents who are loved by their spouse are able to love their children with real love.  There is no fear or need, only acceptance and help.  A daughter who is loved by her parents is able to love her husband with real love.  There must be a beginning.  It must start out with love.  Someone must have real love to start the process so others can be loved, who then love those around them.  The growth of love is exponential.

But, we don't just feel loved, we possess love, and have an abundance to give.  Real love is the sacrifice we make for the benefit, or spiritual growth, of others.  We give ourselves.  There are a few things we possess: time, attention, knowledge, and effort.  Giving these willingly and freely is all the love we have to give.


To be with
Everyone has the same gift and exactly the same amount as everyone else -- time.  We are all given a little less than 24 hours in a day.  We spend our time with the things we love, or that we think will bring us love.  Since objects cannot love, nor can they grow, we cannot truly love them, thus, our time may be wasted on things.  Nevertheless, if our time spent with things is being used to increase our own ability to love, then it isn't wasted.  Ultimately, when we use our time to help others grow spiritually, it is love.

To listen for understanding
Attention is given as a gift.  It is the energy we put into knowing another person.  It is what we do to connect with them, to know them, and to be intimate with them.  It takes energy to truly listen for understanding.  This energy is love.  We cannot love what we don't understand so if we don't know a person, we can't love them.  Love requires knowledge, and listening is the beginning of love.

To accept the whole package
Everyone has strengths as well as weaknesses.  Real love accepts the person as a whole without judging or condemning weaknesses.  One who possesses love is able to see the truth of each person, that their weaknesses are given to them for their own benefit, while their strengths are given for them to benefit others.  Seeing both sides as the blessings that they are helps us to take the whole person, and love them.  With this knowledge we will be able to lift them up and help them grow -- which is true love.

To share our story
Giving knowledge is the gift of what we truly have.  Our experience can be passed-on by communicating what we have learned.  Telling our story is love.  It allows others to take what we have learned, incorporate it into their own lives, and not have to endure the same experiences.  The mistakes we have made teach us lessons, and those things we learn can be imparted to others for their benefit.  The risk we take of showing our weaknesses is love.

To use our creativity
Our art is our creative efforts, our strengths, or our gifts.  We all have an art to give, which are gifts that uplift others, that raises the consciousness of those who witness it.  We may think of creativity and art as painting or sculpture, but it also comprises building, cleaning, teaching, cooking, and all of the mundane things we do.  Some are good at speaking, or knowledge, others have administrative gifts.  Whatever our gifts of creativity, we can lift others and improve their lives by giving freely, not for our own benefit, but rather just to improve the lives of others.  This is real love.

To choose
Real love is always a choice.  It is never automatic.  In marriage, ideally, two people who already know they are loved choose to be together and love one another.  They can give true love because they already possess it; they don't need the other to give it to them.  There can never be any form of manipulation or coercion in real love.  The Lord tells us that we can only influence others "by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul, without hypocrisy, and without guile."  (D&C 121:41-42)  The choice to influence others in this manner is real love.

Receiving the gift
True love is a gift that is given to others.  We cannot give what we don't have so it is necessary that we first obtain real love.  Like any gift, we need to be prepared to receive it.  We cannot possess love if we don't have a heart.  If we were very thirsty, and sitting by a well of water, but had no bucket to lower into the well, we would just remain thirsty.  The need is there, the possibility of fulfillment is there, but for the lack of a vessel there is no way to marry the two.  We all need love, it is the primary motive force of life in the Universe.  However, as long as we need, but have no way to hold or store love, it will be like water running though our fingers.

In order to be prepared to be loved, we must begin with desire.  When we know the difference between real love and fake love, we may begin to seek to possess it.  There are three steps in this process:
1. A broken heart helps us to know ourselves.
2. Learning self-control by being obedient
3. Giving our heart to God allows us to receive His love.

This path is not automatic, it must be sought specifically.  A broken heart can lead us in one of two directions, a soft heart, or a hard heart.  Those who become bitter and angry because of their pain, weaknesses and problems do not learn to love.  On the other hand, those who choose to let go and give their heart to God will be softened.  This will allow us to begin the path that prepares us to love.

Know yourself
The Greek maxim, "Know Thyself" is written on the temple at Delphi.  Variously ascribed to Socrates or Plato, this aphorism is filled with love.  As we have already discussed, we can't love anyone we don't know, and if we don't know ourselves, we cannot understand that we are loved.  When we encounter true love, we will be skeptical, unbelieving, or we will simply ignore it.  Thus, unless we understand who we are, at the very core, our hearts, there is no way for us to possess love at all.

As we go through life, we are given circumstances that help us to know who we are, or what we truly desire in our hearts.  These are usually hard things.  Some are temptations.  King David was given a temptation that he couldn't resist, and learned his heart, and the love of God.  We are all given issues to deal with.  Often they are problems that cause us damage such as addictions, breaking our hearts so we may learn what we are truly made of.  As we come to know ourselves, we can accept who we are, strengths and weaknesses, and begin to feel loved, especially the love of God.  This is a soft heart.

Control yourself
Once we come to know what is in our hearts, the next step towards love is to be in control.  While the maxim "control thyself" has been ascribed to Cicero, I like the way Alma explains it to his son, Corianton, "see that ye bridle all your passions, that ye may be filled with love."  (Alma 38:12)  A bridle gives direction, but not force.  It is a gentle control over the whole body.  The Apostle James used the same analogy as he explains the need to control our speech, "If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.  Behold, we put bits in the horses' mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body."  (James 3:2-3)  When we have control over ourselves, our wants, needs and desires, then we will begin to have the capacity to love.

The achievement of self-control is to love God.  When we put Him first, we will be able to put aside our own needs, which are the problem, and "take His yoke upon us."  We only need to do as He says in order to have love.  Jesus gave us the path as succinctly as possible, "If ye love me, keep my commandments."  (John 14:15)  By controlling our passions and desires we are enabled to be filled with love.

Give yourself
When we have love, we are enabled to give.  Jesus told His disciples, "as I have loved you, that ye also love one another."  (John 13:34)  He didn't tell them they had to know themselves, or control themselves, they learned it through their own experience.  Right after Jesus commanded this, Peter said he would give his life for Jesus.  The subsequent experiences allowed Peter to see himself truly, and then repent and become a mighty apostle.  As he went through each one of the steps, he was able to give love as Jesus did.

Jesus likewise gave love as He had received.  He explained, "As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you"  (John 15:9)  We all start from the same place.  We cannot give what we don't possess.  For this reason it is essential that we receive the love of Christ before we can love one another.

The way to find true love is clear.  Our experiences in life allow us to see who we are.  If we soften our hearts and accept that we are needy, then we can turn to God.  We then exert control by doing everything He tells us to do.  Once we are in control, God fills us with love, and we have the ability to use all of our talents to lift others, to love them truly, to give from the heart without any selfish desires, and help them grow.  Is this not real?