I have finally found what I have been searching for all of my life. I am a new man in Christ. I am a son of Christ. I have taken upon me His name. This day He has spiritually begotten me. I am born again. After so many years of seeking, asking, and knocking, I have finally found salvation through the Lord, Jesus Christ, and I can feel to sing the song of redeeming love. I know Him. I know He lives, and I know He has to power to save me from all my weaknesses, rebellion, and sins.
In my heart I never knew the love of God before. It was all in my head. I studied and prayed. I learned many things. I could define all the words of the prophets, for I knew them well. I read the scriptures frequently, and was taught from on High as the Spirit of God bore witness to my soul of their truth. He enlightened my understanding and gave me knowledge. I could even speak the Tongue of Angels! However, I had never tasted of His goodness. While I could define the words, I didn't possess them in my heart.
One day I was driving on the freeway near Diamond Bar. The car in front of me was only going a little faster than the speed limit so I pulled into the "fast lane" to speed past him. I was going pretty fast. Just as I was passing him on the left, I saw blue and red flashing lights in my rear-view mirror, coming up fast behind me. My heart sunk. I was caught! My heart was pounding as I let off the gas and applied the brakes to bring the car into compliance with the speed limit. Then, I realized that my wallet was back at home -- I didn't have my driver's license! I was going to get it. I felt so bad. I was guilty, and would have to pay.
Last week an officer of the Medical Board of California came to my office. He said he just wanted to know how our office ran. The experience of sitting face-to-face with someone who could judge me and condemn me is very revealing. I saw all the ways I wasn't keeping the rules. I know their job is to administer justice to those who aren't keeping the rules. Suddenly realizing all the ways I had not been obedient to the rules, I wished I had been more compliant and careful, but, it's too late. I'm caught. I'm guilty.
As the flashing lights get closer, knew I was going to have to justify my actions, I started to think of all the things I could say to get off. Maybe he will just give me a warning. Maybe I could lie and say I was a doctor and had an emergency (that never works anymore, they call us on it... literally!). I could explain that I was late, and just needed to pass the car in front of me. I looked for a way out, could I run? Could I hide? How could I get out of this? I wish I hadn't been speeding just then! I needed some justification for breaking the law.
In my office, the officer said there were some complaints that he had to follow-up on, and needed to talk with me on Monday. He didn't say why, specifically, so of course the whole weekend I was imagining all the ways I could be crucified. I knew the possibilities because I had seen colleagues go through these audits. One of them, who has a similar type of alternative practice, had his license revoked, was fined a large sum, and went to federal prison for five years! That was me. I do mostly alternative medicine, and the Board doesn't like that. They would know I was a rebel. Surely I would find no mercy. I was scared!
The effect of this fear is realizing for the first time that I am not innocent. I'm guilty. I had let everyone down by not living by the rules. I wasn't some "high and mighty" or "better than everyone else," in fact I was worse! I was supposed to be a good example, but instead I became the bad example. "Don't do what he did... that's why he's in prison!" I felt in a very deep and real way that I was guilty, and there was no way out of the consequences. I couldn't run. I couldn't hide. In only a few days, they would know, and I would have to hire lawyers, go to court, face my rebelliousness, and go to prison. I was bracing myself for the worst.
I pictured myself pulled over on the side of the freeway. I didn't want the ticket. I didn't want to pay the price. In my own mind, I justify myself by averaging my life. If I could tell the officer that I always go the speed limit, and just this once was in a hurry. Yes, I was guilty this one time, but it's alright because of all the times I had obeyed the law, as if all the times I was good could make up for a single infraction.
As the officer told me about my practice, and the things we were doing wrong, I searched for a way out. There must be some justification. I've spent most of my life justifying myself. "Look at all the good things I do!" My weaknesses are minor, compared to all the good I do. I have helped all these people! I have cured diseases! I have done all these good things! Surely they make up for my infractions and lack of respect for the rules! But this time was different; I saw the absurdity of this thinking, a million good acts cannot justify one infraction. If I am obedient to the law, even an officer of the law, lawmaker, or advocate of the law, but break the law just one time, I'm guilty of that infraction and must pay the penalty. Good works cannot justify guilt. I was guilty! I was lost, and had no hope.
Then, I remembered the Lord, Jesus Christ. He can save me from my sins, but would He? I was guilty. I deserved the full measure of the law that I had broken. I felt the guilt so deeply, and knew I would have to pay the price of my actions. How could I even ask for mercy when I did it all so knowingly? I thought I had to "be good" in order to receive forgiveness. I was guilty and didn't deserve any clemency.
On the other hand I was in such need, with no other hope, that I fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness. I needed mercy. I was willing to repent of all my sins and do anything. I would pay anything, or suffer anything, if I could only be let off with a warning -- just this once. I would bring the office into compliance with all the rules. I would keep the rules. I would obey every rule and law with exactness and honor. I would be an advocate for the law, instead of a detractor. Please!!!
I fasted and prayed that weekend, and began to understand on a spiritual level all that I was experiencing. I had seen myself, for the first time, as less than the dust of the Earth. I was weak. I was lost. I needed help. I had been given the gift of humility. Also, I had a contrite spirit; I was willing to be obedient on His terms, instead of my own. I had lost the "holier than thou" attitude that had filled my heart since birth. I truly felt the weight of sin. I went to see the bishop, to confess all my sins and to receive counsel on what to do. I was open to counsel because I was in such need of it. I promised to keep all the rules and obey all the laws with exactness. I was repentant.
Those I shared my feelings with were very supportive. The bishop said it would be well, and recommended that I don't give up my recommend, but rather go to the temple and work. "If we all had to be perfect to go to the temple, it would be empty all the time!" he said. My wife said that the officer would not be able to see those things I worried about. My daughter said she felt that it would be fine, that I wouldn't go to prison, get a huge fine, or even lose my license. Each time the Spirit bore witness to me that they spoke the truth, but I had a hard time believing, knowing that I was guilty.
This morning at our office huddle I apologized to the staff for not being a stickler for detail. I told them that from now on we will keep every rule, no matter what, and asked them to inform me if they felt that any laws or rules were being violated.
As the cop car came up right behind me, I put on my blinker and pulled into the lane on the right. But, as I was looking to get into the next right lane, the flashing lights whizzed past me on the left. I watched the blue and red lights go off into the distance for a few seconds before breathing a sigh of relief. I started laughing! I had been spared. I wasn't going to have to pay any fines. How lucky I felt! Wow! What a relief!
The officer came back today and asked a lot of questions. I'm a horrible liar, and have a terrible track-record of defending myself so I had determined that I would only tell the truth. I braced myself, but nothing happened. I had the Spirit of God with me because I could feel His presence, and He told me what to say. The officer never asked about the things I was worried about. In the end of the interview he said he was finished with his investigation, and told me he would recommend a "letter of reprimand" for allowing an unlicensed person perform IV treatments, and the Board would probably require me to take an ethics class. That's all. I'm free! No fine. No loss of license. No jail time. This is truly a miracle!
This harrowing experience has changed my life. It's a physical metaphor for a spiritual reality. I knew immediately that the Lord had blessed me. I was spared. I know Jesus saves! I know He lives! I know that I don't have to suffer the consequences of my weaknesses, sins, and even my rebellion because of Him. He saved me from my sins. I am a new creature in Christ. I know His love. I've been saved! I'm born again! I have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually. I'll keep all the rules. I'll obey all the laws with exactness! I will do this because I love Him. I want to do it, for Him. He has done so much for me! I could never express the gratitude I feel in my heart. I know what it means to be saved from sin, to be guilty but not have to suffer the consequences. It is wonderful, and awesome in the real sense of the word -- it fills me with awe! I feel to sing the song of redeeming love! To know that He has already paid the price is amazing!
What has changed is that, to me, He is no longer just the Savior of the world, and all mankind, but rather my personal Savior. I feel a sense of awe and wonder. I feel peace. I feel reverence. I feel gratitude. I love the Lord, with all my heart! I will thank Him and praise Him forever!
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