When we’re young we’re foolish so we get rules. We need the rules so we can walk in wisdom’s paths before we actually get wisdom. The Law of Moses was a set of rules to help a foolish people, the children of Israel, learn to be wise. The Ten Commandments are a basic set of rules, but the law of Moses was even more specific. I have been young and foolish, and in some ways I still am. I would like to share the wisdom I have learned so far, especially around feelings.
Having a feeling doesn’t mean I need to act on it.
Feelings are not facts.
All feelings need to be judged and put in their proper place.
Some feelings need to be acted on, others need to be pushed aside.
Knowledge
I know nothing. Plato had it right, everything we see, hear, and feel is shadows of reality. Socrates is quoted, “I only know that I know nothing.” I have lived my life feeling like I could know things by studying, thinking, and learning but what I found is for every mountain I climb, there is a higher one in the distance. Because I cannot know what I don’t know I can never know anything. I wanted truth, but only got theories and opinions. I don’t even know all of my own assumptions on which I base my “truth.” Therefore, I can know nothing, of myself. The only way to know anything is to know everything. If there is anything I don’t know, then I cannot be sure I know anything, so I know nothing.
However, I can know something if someone who knows everything tells me. Since God is omniscient, if He tells me something I know it. I may not know everything, but I can know something because I trust that God will not lie. I know God lives because I have spoken with Him, I know Him like I know anyone in the world. He has told me a few things, namely, Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. Nobody has any hope of life except through Him. All of our efforts are vain without Him. He is everything. EVERYTHING. Without Him there is nothing. I know this because God told me, and He told me why in a way that I can understand. I wrote a whole book on it, filled with the knowledge that all things exist and have life in Him. I know what life is about, and why. There is no knowledge except in and through Jesus Christ. None.
Money
I always believed that if I only had enough money I could rest. I felt like rest would come from having riches. I wouldn’t have to work, I wouldn’t “have to” do anything. I could just do what I wanted, and rest when I wanted.
Through my life I have been everywhere and done everything. I’ve played with the rich and famous, been on a private yacht around the Mediterranean, lived by the beach in Cannes, France, been an advertising model, eaten all kinds of food, lived in squalor with the poor of Venezuela, ran my own businesses, counseled and broke bread with the most famous man in the world, counseled the insane, built buildings, been a doctor to the stars, traveled all over the world, seen everything I could want to see... and more. I have been very blessed. What I learned is that money is simply a tool. A chainsaw can be used to cut down trees, or massacre a bunch of people in Texas. Money can be good and useful in the right hands, and devastatingly destructive in the wrong hands. And most important, there is no rest for the rich and famous.
Money only represents one thing -- the value of service I provide in the world. If other people value what I provide, then I will get a lot of money, if they don’t, then I won’t. I have wished for excess, money beyond the value I give, taking advantage of the ignorance and weakness of others, providing nothing and getting paid for it - like winning the lottery. In my business this is the rule, and not the exception. Doctors promise health and a longer life, but the drugs they prescribe cannot deliver on that promise, and often cause worse problems. Thus, being a “good doctor,” following protocols, and practicing the “standard of care” makes me a thief. I am taking money, but not providing the promised service. I have tried to get out of this as best I can by seeking the cause of illness instead of just treating symptoms with drugs. I want to get something for nothing, but I don’t want to be a thief. It’s the same thing. I have resolved to make sure the money I get is equal to the value I provide to others of the things of the world. I'm working on it.
Honesty
I have seen that honesty is a most rare quality. I have been deceived into thinking that I knew many things that I didn't know. When I come across ideas, concepts, or research that contradicts my beliefs, I ignore it, push it aside, and make it unimportant. There is such a thing as self-deception, and I have been there many times. I think I know something that isn't true. Getting out of this is not possible without the help of God because I can't know what I don't know. What's more, I can continue to deceive myself. Skeptics doubt the ideas of others, but not their own. Humility is doubting yourself while believing others. I'm a skeptic, at heart. It's very hard for me to doubt my beliefs so I continue to live in a fantasy world. I'm working on learning the truth line upon line, to be humble, and honest.
The other part is just lying. I have always excused myself in saying things that weren't true, telling stories as if they were true, and embellishing things to bolster my argument or make it sound better. Sometimes I make up plausible explanations on the spot. It's automatic with me. The lies come out without even thinking. Sometimes I wonder at the stupidity of what I just said -- a lie that didn't help anything. I'm getting much better at monitoring my thoughts as I speak, and pushing out the lies. I want to be TOTALLY honest, in my thoughts and words. It's very important. I cannot be trusted unless I'm completely honest. Any little foray into fantasyland makes me completely untrustworthy. I can no longer try to justify lies, but see them for what they are, and not do it. It's a work in progress.
Food and Health
I have a sweet tooth. I love sweets. I like anything sweet. Put enough sugar in merde (pardon my French) and I’d like it. As a child I found partially-eaten hard candy melting into the sidewalk on a hot day, and scraped it off and ate it. This is another lust that I have had to put aside. I have bad teeth. I allow myself sweets on occasion, and I always regret it. If I eat chocolate, it’s gone in 60 seconds, and I’m left with only a craving. The more I eat, the more I want to eat, the more I eat. In college, I could sit down to study with a package of Oreo cookies and eat the whole thing. Then, I just want more. It’s one of those addictions that does no good, and can be left alone without any untoward effects. I can have fruit. Sweet! I enjoy it, and it nourishes. I don’t feel regrets after eating raisins, grapes, or an apple. I’m still working on it.
I have seen the main health issues in the world are caused by food. First of all, there is so much that we call food that is processed chemicals made to look like food. Food needs to fill my need for nourishment, but I eat things for taste. I can’t taste nourishment so I eat things that are not nourishing. There is plenty around so I get fat. I have tried to make changes in my life to limit what I put in my mouth to only things that will nourish my body. It’s hard, because there is so much that is not nourishing that tastes good. I don’t like spinach and kale, but I eat it when I can so I can have a healthy body. It’s a work in progress.
The single best thing that a human being can do for their health is to fast. Fasting gives strength to the body. Fasting restores health. Fasting cures illness. Fasting repairs damage. Fasting cleanses the body. Fasting removes toxins. Fasting repairs digestion and allows better absorption of nutrients. Fasting resets the adrenal system and relieves stress. All that is good for the body is done while I fast. Yet, knowing all this, I still hate to fast. My body has an immediate bad reaction to the thought of fasting. I hate it -- no, I hate the thought of it. I have found that going without food is liberating and easy -- if I can get past the body screaming, “NOOOOOOOO!” In spite of this, I’ve fasted seven days with water only, and many times for one, two, or three days. I do it frequently. The hardest thing for me is “intermittent fasting,” where I eat only breakfast and lunch. I tend to not be hungry in the morning, but I get really hungry in the evening. I too often give in to the cravings of the body and eat when I get home from work at night. It’s hard! But, I continue to work on it.
Sex
The Law of Moses is very specific about sex: Don’t rape your mom, nor your stepmother, nor your daughter, nor your sister, nor your sister-in-law... and so forth. The reason is because the hormones that accompany puberty in boys cause an aggressive “sex drive” -- a “need” for sex that is often more powerful than hunger and thirst. I knew a woman who was given the wrong cream and got double a man’s normal testosterone levels. Her comment after finally figuring out the cause of her problem: “It was crazy! I wanted to have sex with anyone and anything all the time! Everything I heard, saw, or thought had sexual connotations. If men have to feel like that constantly, I certainly have more respect for them!” The reason young men are given rules surrounding sex is because it’s a very strong feeling. This is also why young men should not be given responsibilities nor allowed to be alone with young girls. It would be like leaving a three-year-old in charge of her favorite cookies after not eating for two days.
In today’s world I could be the “B” in LGBTQ... But, while I recognize the feelings, I know I don’t need to act on them. It exists. It’s OK. It’s just going to stay in a place that I put it, out of the way of my life. That’s not an option for me, I don’t want that lifestyle, even though I have the feelings -- I could. I have a choice, and I prefer to go down a different path. I can’t walk both paths at the same time. This is one thing where I found wisdom without making a mistake, or by not going down the wrong path, though I had many opportunities.
Regarding sex, the Lord has continuously said that this is the cross men have to bear.
...go no more after the lusts of your eyes, but cross yourself in all these things; for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things. (Alma 39:9)
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)I believe this also applies to masturbation (I hate that word!), to stimulate my own genitals to orgasm. I wrote in my journal many years ago that a friend had a problem with this issue, but I didn’t, and he later read it and tore the page out. Nobody wants to admit this weakness. Orgasm is something I really want, and I can do it better than anyone else, but that is so anti-climactic. The experience of contact with another body is so much better. Each time I fell into the practice, the Spirit would whisper a scripture to me from the Apostle Paul telling Timothy, “...lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God...” The problem with giving in to the desires of the body is that it saps the energy, it takes the manhood, it depletes strength, and takes away the resolve of the soul. It causes me to need more sleep, and I’m less inclined to be creative and driven. When I do as Jesus said, above, “pluck it out, and cast it from thee,” or, “cut it off (figuratively, of course!) and cast it from thee,” then I am more spiritual as well, I connect with God more than my body. Fasting is so good for me! Nevertheless, I get weak on occasion and give in to the flesh. I am resolved to never do that again!
Pornography
Because I had so many sexual feelings I found anything sexual attractive. In junior high school I saw a drawing on the side of the storm drain I was walking through. It was more like a cave-man drawing of a naked woman, but I was very attracted to it. Later, I found my dad’s “girlie magazines” in his closet when my parents weren’t home. Several times around eight years old I spent the night at a friend’s house whose dad was gay. They had magazines with pictures of naked men in their living room! I don’t know what my mom was thinking. Friends and family introduced me to pornography, I never had to seek it, it was just there -- it’s everywhere. The problem with pornography is that it turns people into objects to be used. Men who look at naked women are using them. Women are using the lusts of men to get money by taking off their clothes. Some say it’s just business, men and women getting what they want, but it is the strongest barrier to the most important thing in the world -- love. We cannot love an object. This is another road I didn’t go down, though I was exposed to porn, and I found it very desirable, I never sought it or paid for it.
Beauty and Marriage
Girls need to feel beautiful. We have beauty contests for girls to give everyone an excuse to stare at their lovely little bodies. They don’t know the lust this creates in boys. I see girls in only one of two ways. Either she is a person, or she is attractive. If she is attractive then she is not a person, she is an object to fill my needs. Girls want to be objects, not people. Girls move in with boyfriends, or marry boys, who see them as things. These boys are very good at taking care of their things. They wash and shine their car, they keep their tools in order, and the saw sharp, and they give their women whatever they want. Both of them are caring for each other so neither has to grow up. This “caring for” is not love, it’s lust, and need. She is an object, just one of his things. If a boy sees another girl that he finds attractive, he could desire her as well.
Beauty is paradoxically most subjective, and at the same time, most objective. I knew a woman who was a supermodel for Calvin Klein in the 80’s when it was big. She came to see me because she was overweight, and wanted to get her figure back. However, when she lost ten pounds she started getting panic attacks. After a long discussion as to why, she realized that she was tired of being an object, she wanted to be a person, so she quit the program, and stayed fat. She realized that she can't be both attractive and human. Being beautiful first puts the cart before the horse. The way it works for me is to be a person, and then when I learn to love the person she becomes attractive.
Girls want to be attractive before they get married, but then be a person afterwards. Sometimes that works out. As a man gets older he may actually experience love and admiration for his wife, and see her inner beauty. She may become a person who is beautiful, which is the only way to have both. In my first marriage, I married an object, and it caused many problems, and eventual divorce. She didn’t become a person until after the divorce. I see others who continue to see their “exes” as objects. The second time, I married a person I had known for many years. She was a person so she wasn’t attractive. I frankly told her that I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. She didn’t like that idea, but it makes marriage easier. Now, I love my wife, she is not an object or thing to be used, but I’m attracted to her only intermittently. Sometimes she is just “plain Jane” and sometimes she is so beautiful I can’t believe it! But, she's always a person; I suspect if she were always attractive, she’d be an object.
This would be the advantage of a gay man marrying a woman. She would not be an object, she would be a person from the beginning. This makes marriage much easier. I read the story of a young man who was gay and married his best friend, a girl who was aware that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. They now have three children and a happy marriage. He is a marriage and family therapist, and notes that he has a better sex life than most of the straight guys he counsels. His wife was never an object; she was always a person to him.
God
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost fill every need, meet every challenge, and comfort every sorrow. If I have sought anything of the world to fill my needs I’m always disappointed. It’s not fulfilling. I become a bottomless pit. If I think money can fill my needs, there is never enough. If I think sex will fill my emptiness it only works for minutes to days. If I think sugar will stop the craving for sweets, it only makes it worse. I have realized that I’m an eternal being. My needs are infinite.
I need a line but the world gives me a segment.
I need endless oceans but the world gives me a cup of water.
I need worlds without number but the world gives me seven and a half acres.
I need the riches of eternity but the world gives me a thousand dollars a day.
I need emotional fulfillment but the world gives me ten minutes of bliss.
I need eternal joy but the world gives me seasons in the sun.
I need to be filled but the world gives me a sucker.
I need to create galaxies but the world gives me some wood and nails.
I need infinite posterity but the world gives me a handful of children.
I need eternal life but the world gives me a hundred years.
Everything in the world is so temporary! The only way to be filled, satiated, and complete is by becoming one with God. This happens by completely and totally losing myself in Him. I give up all I have, all I want, all my desires, my whole heart to Him. I love only Him. I desire only Him. I seek only Him. I work only for Him. My thoughts turn to Him. I give up everything of the world including family, money, and needs. I offer my whole soul to Him. It’s a process, not an event. I call it the process of repentance as I gradually give up the things of the world and choose the things of eternity. I’ll know I’m there when I see the Lord, when I have the experience of the brother of Jared on the mountain, when Jesus says, “ye are redeemed from the fall; therefore ye are brought back into my presence; therefore I show myself unto you.” (Ether 3:13) It’s possible. I believe in Him. I trust in Him. I’m willing to suffer whatever it takes to be there. It will happen. And I know that all those things of the world that I wanted so badly will be like merde. (Pardon my French)
Nothing can compare to eternal life, nothing else is worth trading. I get it in my head, I believe that I understand, but my heart takes a long time. I’m mentally gifted, but spiritually retarded. My heart takes a very long time to change. My changes have been over decades. I received a testimony of Joseph Smith and the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ over thirty years after I fasted and prayed three days for it. I learned about the most basic principle of the gospel, faith, over forty years after I was baptized. I’m slow, but I have stayed. I have never given up. I have been depressed, but continued on the path, always in the dark, not knowing, not feeling, without a heart. I’m naturally a Pharisee, cleaning the outside of the cup, while the inside is dirty. I’m still trying to get it on the inside. I know the Lord will help me, but I suspect it’s going to be decades because I’m retarded.
The wisdom of finding God is to make a covenant with Him, and stay with it, don’t give up, stay on the path. If I go off, I pray for forgiveness and get back on. “Endure to the end” means to stay on the path until the end of my probation. That may be in this life, when I’m redeemed from the fall, or after, when I stand before the judgment bar of God. The “end” is the final judgment. I’ll just keep repenting as I go, until I’m ready -- until I finish my probation and I’m judged to be worthy to enter into the kingdom of God and receive eternal life. Maybe I'll never completely overcome all of my issues above, but I know the Lord is merciful so I just keep going. I'm going to stay on the path. The Lord told me that the only way to avoid eternal life is to leave the path of repentance. I would have to purposely go in another direction -- which I don’t intend to do. If one is on the path of life, the greatest wisdom that can ever be given is:
“Never, never, never give up!”
