Belief

I have always wondered why people go to church. Why spend time and money? What do they get out of church attendance? It must be something important because so many people do it. Church attendance has been part of human life as far back as we have records to know. This is important to a lot of people, in every society, since the beginning of time. It must be very important!

People love to put themselves in a box of what they believe. They love their box. It’s dark. It’s safe. Others are in the same box. They talk to others who support them in their beliefs. The bigger the box, the more secure they feel. “A billion Catholics can’t be wrong!” They feel like the beliefs in their dark box must be true, because that’s what everyone is saying. We don’t know that everyone else is also in a box of belief. 

Whatever people believe that isn’t true puts them in a dark box. There is no light. There is no truth. Because of the darkness, people seek others to justify their beliefs. It’s important because I need the box to feel right, just, or true. If I feel alone, lonely, and insecure, I need others to support me in my beliefs.

If I’m in the Buddhist box, then I speak to Buddhists, and they tell me it’s all true, that they believe the same thing I do.

If I'm in a science box then I explain what I see, feel, and hear to those who go to the church of science, who believe the same things.

If I’m in the Catholic box, then I go to church to hear the priest tell me what I want to hear.

If I’m in the atheist box, then I read the works of Nietzsche so I can feel justified in my beliefs.

If I believe alcohol improves my social skills, then I will hang out with people who drink and cannot remember my social skills.

If I’m in a Latter-day Saint box, then I associate with others who bear testimony to me that it’s true, that I don’t have to think or go any further. I believe.

Everyone is in a box, until they break out of the box. However, most of the time that just puts them in a different box. The new box corresponds to their new beliefs, but they remain in ignorance. People break out of the Latter-day Saint box and jump into the Baptist box. They have all their Baptist friends telling them they did the right thing. It works both ways. There are many Baptists who jump into the Latter-day Saint box and have a bunch of Saints telling them they did a good thing. There are even united atheists to share their “not” beliefs. They irrationally try to prove a negative, never knowing what they do not know, and cannot see because of their beliefs. Yet, they continue to believe in the dark, using others to fill their need for justification. They think they have successfully gotten out of the box of belief, only to find themselves in another dark box with a different set of beliefs.

The box of belief is always dark. There is no light. There is no need for truth because the purpose of the box is to avoid the truth so we can feel justified without actually repenting. It seems like if we could just believe the right thing, we would be justified in our beliefs. Once we’re in a box of belief, the truth becomes irrelevant.

Seeking Forgiveness without Repentance

The reason we need a box is for justification. We justify our beliefs by looking to others who believe the same things. We congregate with others to share our beliefs so we can feel justified. It’s all about justification. In one sense, all of life is about justification. We are on probation in the world, being fallen from heaven, and need to be justified so we can return. All the boxes have a purpose in pretending to be justified. It almost seems like we can justify ourselves if we just get enough people to agree with us. Those who believe the same things I do help me to feel right.

For this reason, I don’t tolerate heresy. If someone is in my box, but doesn’t believe what I believe I will kick them out in so many ways. I will hate them. I will reject them. I won’t speak to them. I will speak ill of them. I will make up stories about them. I will discredit them any way I can. I will take their beliefs and prove them wrong. I will get others to prove them wrong. I may even argue with them, or fight. If I have a lot of power, I can torture them until they confess my beliefs. I need everyone to agree with me or I don’t feel I can be justified.

Or, if I come across any person who doesn’t believe the way I do, then I may try to get them to jump into my box. I want them to share my darkness. I want them to believe the way I do. At the same time, they may try to get me to believe the way they do. We’re all going around in our boxes, trying to convince everyone else that we’re right, and they’re wrong. Justification requires agreement from all. If they don’t accept my box, then they are mistaken, ignorant, or proud.

For most others, I just keep my box, remain in my comfortable darkness, and not bother others in their boxes. I allow them to believe whatever they will, and I will believe what I will, and we just won’t discuss “politics and religion” in polite company. I can allow others to feel justified in their beliefs the same way I feel justified in mine, though I’m sure they’re misled. 

Real Justification

The problem is, even for those searching for a better box, they are still always in a box out of which they cannot get. We’re often told that we need to have a box. Everyone needs a box. Everyone must have a belief system. Each can find their own way, and it’s perfectly fine for everyone to have different beliefs. All of them are fantasies. None of them actually justify. They give us the illusion of being right. They delude us into feeling righteous, straight, and just.

However, in spite of all the dark boxes of ignorance in the world, there is a reality -- there is truth. Outside of all the boxes is God. The Lord, Jesus Christ, can truly justify. There is no need for any organization of people to justify me, I don’t need consensus, I only seek truth. I believe in Jesus Christ, that there is no other way to be justified. I don’t need counseling or self-help books. I don’t need others to tell me I’m right. I don’t need to find another box. I don’t need any box at all, they are all fantasies. I only need truth, which is outside of all boxes. There is no box of truth. Truth is not darkness. Truth is light. I can see with the light. I can see all the boxes for what they are. 

That is how I know I have truth, it comes from God. If I’m dependent on anyone else for justification or corroboration of my beliefs, then I’m in a box of darkness. One atheist who made himself famous by writing books about atheism found justification in smart people, like Albert Einstein. He was dependent on other men for his knowledge. But that is not the same as truth, true knowledge comes from God. 

Being a Believer

Skeptics say they don’t believe, but without belief there is nothing. Everyone must believe something so skeptics believe what they have experienced, and don’t believe what others experience that they have not. The problem with being a skeptic is that it puts me in a box out of which I cannot get. I’m stuck with my own experiences, and all the gains I have are only confirmations of what I already believe. I cannot grow. I cannot learn new things. It feels like I’m learning, but there is no growth in “confirmation bias.”

Life is not about what exists, but rather what I believe. 

I can’t know what is true until I believe in it.

What I believe is everything in my world.

My beliefs define what I know.

I only see what I believe.

I only know what I believe.

It is only belief that allows me to see. Without belief I am blind to what is presented to me. I must believe first. Likewise, trying to teach someone who doesn’t believe my words is useless, wasting words. I think it’s important that the missionaries, Ammon and Aaron didn’t teach until they knew they would be believed. Aaron went to the king of the Lamanites. The king said, “ ‘I desire that ye should tell me concerning all these things, and I will believe thy words.’ And it came to pass that when Aaron saw that the king would believe his words, he began from the creation of Adam...” (Alma 22:11-12) When his brother, Ammon, taught Lamoni about God, he also first made sure Lamoni would believe:

Now Ammon being wise, yet harmless, he said unto Lamoni: Wilt thou hearken unto my words, if I tell thee by what power I do these things? And this is the thing that I desire of thee. And the king answered him, and said: Yea, I will believe all thy words. And thus he was caught with guile.

Alma 18:22-23

I only see what I believe. So if I only believe what I already know, and summarily reject all things outside of my beliefs, then I will never be able to grow. Growth comes from believing things that I don’t understand, don’t know, have never heard, or don’t currently believe.

Believing truth

There is only one thing worth believing -- truth. If I believe a falsehood it doesn’t help me at all, and may even bring suffering and death. During plagues, there were many who believed that amulets or other trinkets would save them from disease, but they suffered and died anyway because they didn’t know the simple truth of how the disease is contracted and treated. In modern medicine it is estimated that 85% of what our society believes will heal has no basis in fact. Treatments such as unnecessary surgery and medications do more harm than good because it isn’t true, no matter how much I believe in them.

Thus, it is imperative that I judge all my beliefs. Instead of being a skeptic, entrenched in my own dogma, I must ruthlessly judge each one of my beliefs to determine if it is true.

Changing beliefs from false to true

Paradoxically, the way out of my box of belief is to believe everything. By not being skeptical of the beliefs of others, but accepting them as potential truths, I am enabled to grow outside of what I already believe. I can do this by:

• Listening
• Being interested
• Seeking
• Knocking
• Looking for something more than I currently have
• Wanting to know
• Asking questions

I hear something that I don’t know about so I listen and withhold judgment. I don’t throw it out because it’s different and doesn’t fit with my beliefs, but rather listen with the potential to believe. I am a believing person. I believe everything until I judge it to be false. In other words, I don’t pass summary judgment on anything, but I seek evidence for that thing, and then I judge the evidence. 

I start by believing. If I don’t currently believe I can desire to believe, and based on that desire I can listen to the testimony of others until I believe.

...even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe

Alma 32:27

Once I believe, I can believe all things.

...we follow the admonition of Paul—We believe all things...

Articles of Faith 1:13

Believing all things is a characteristic of charity.

And charity... believeth all things...

Moroni 7:45

Being believing of all things is the way to find all the possibilities. God commands us to believe -- to be believing.

Search diligently, pray always, and be believing...

Doctrine and Covenants 90:24

Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth.

Mark 9:23

The way out of my own dark box of belief isn't by giving up my beliefs, but to believe more -- believe everything. I must be able to hold all things in my mind at the same time without passing summary judgment on any of them. I just hold them as I gain evidence for them.

The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Judgment of beliefs

Two things are needed for judgment. The first is evidence, or an understanding of the thing. I cannot pass judgment if I don’t understand it. The second is a standard. There must be something outside myself that is reliable, firm, and true. A judge in a courtroom requires no less to pass judgment on a person accused of a crime. The judge must have both elements: evidence that gives understanding of all the circumstances surrounding the crime committed, and a standard, or laws, that are just and true. Without both elements the judge could make a mistake, either by convicting an innocent or by letting a criminal go free.

If I pass judgment without a basis in evidence, then I am a fool. 

Also, if I pass judgment based on false evidence then I’m still a fool. 

Dismissing ideas without wise judgment will only lead to false beliefs, suffering, and misery.

The Standard of Judgment

In a way, I only understand who I believe. If I believe God, then I will understand the things of God. But if I believe the devil then I will only understand those things that are not of God.

But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil;

Moroni 7:17

God is truth. Whatever is not of God is of the devil. So, either I believe God, or everything I believe is of the devil, or false. The devil is in all things that aren't true. This is essential to understand, because often two opposing falsehoods are presented for judgment as if one of them must be true. Sometimes, the answer is "neither one!" I can judge my beliefs and decide if I believe truth by knowing if it leads me to believe in Christ and serve God. This takes a great deal of humility. 

There have been many in the world over time who have insisted they were serving God by being destructive, hateful, and self-centered. That’s why there is a standard in the scriptures and the prophets, allowing anyone to judge righteous judgment. The scriptures are the word of God, and are true. Those things that have truth in them, that lead me to God and help me to believe in Jesus Christ I will keep as my own belief, while those things that are false, that do not lead me to Christ I will reject, and not believe. This gives me a standard by which to judge.

Gaining intelligence through belief

Learning truth requires that I believe contradicting ideas until I have enough evidence and basis to reject one or both as not being true. Intelligence is truth.

The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth.

Doctrine and Covenants 93:36

Intelligence is gained through belief. Being believing is essential to growth. Knowledge cannot be gained by skeptics because it leaves them in a box of darkness. They block all light by not believing. Light and truth comes to those who believe all things, causing growth, knowledge, wisdom, and intelligence. It all starts with belief. It’s not what I know, it’s what I believe that matters. 

Here is a pattern for gaining intelligence:

• Believe everything (allows me to see)
• Gather evidence  (allows me to judge knowledgeably)
• Use a standard (allows me to judge correctly)
• Reject false beliefs (prevents suffering)
• Hold on to true beliefs (allows growth and intelligence)

If I believe everything, then all things are possible. Belief is everything.

How has faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, affected my life?

My life is different because I believe in Jesus Christ. I do different things than I would have otherwise. And because I do different things, I have different experiences; my knowledge is different -- indeed, my whole life is different. All I do is based on my beliefs. The things I do determine the things I know, and the things I have. I see the world differently; I see all of life differently. What is different, really? What do I do differently? How do I act differently? How do I feel differently? And, what difference does it make? The following is a list, in no order, of all the the ways my faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ has affected my life.

I’m familiar with eternity.
The Lord gives me dreams.
I know God.
I have received a righteous family.
I feel true love.
I have a broken heart.
I have a testimony of Jesus Christ.
I gave up my job.
I’ve been sealed for all eternity.
I posses the gift of charity.
I know why.
I let go of my children.
I have hope for my children.
I have been forgiven of my sins.
I keep the Sabbath day holy.
I served a full-time mission.
I went to the temple hundreds of times.
I know about creation.
I have found salvation.
I let go of my dreams.
I didn’t indulge in sexual appetites.
I didn’t do what I wanted.
I sacrificed my perfect home, rejected by my own.
I gave up my wife.
I seek to know the will of the Lord.
I walked away from my house that I built.
I sacrificed my land.
I have received revelations.
I no longer have a fallen nature.
I sacrificed my money.
I am a son of God.
I have learned wisdom.
I’m not an enemy to God.
I work for Him.
I have a contrite spirit.
I pray always.
I know my mission.
I have received the Holy Ghost.
I remember Him always.
I have written the word of God.
I know the Tongue of Angels.
I love others.
I have humility.
I know the prophets.
I seek permanence.
I’m not selfish.
I pray every day.
I don’t fear.
I have seen visions.
I’m not afraid of change.
I’m a prophet.
I pay tithing.
I’m not afraid of pain.
I have the gift of tongues.
I received the gift of healing.
I know the hymns of Zion.
I understand the scriptures.
I’m not afraid of losing everything.
Eternal life is in reach.
I don’t like temporal things.
I pay generous fast offerings.
I have hope.
I am qualified to do the work of the Lord.
I look forward to seeing Him.
I take the Sacrament.
I’m not afraid to die.
I know who I am.
I attend church every week.
I’ve spent thousands of hours searching the scriptures.

I have repented of all my sins.
I’ve been justified.
I don’t grieve death.
I have written thousands of pages in my journal.
I submit to leaders.
I am a just man.
I’m not interested in anything temporary.
I know myself.
I do everything for Him.
I quit lying.
I’ve spent thousands of hours on my knees.
I think of others.
I understand my own motivations.
I have compassion.
I have the Holy Spirit for my guide.
I didn’t seek pornography.
The things of the world don’t interest me.
I don’t seek wealth.
I submit to all the will of God.
I live for eternity.

Everything on this list would be different if I did not have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. Every one of them would be different. Exactly how they would differ, I cannot tell, but I wouldn’t be in any way the same. It’s night and day. There is no comparison. On the outside, from the view of others, I’m still just me. As Joseph Smith, Jr. said, “No man knows my history.” Nobody can see any of the things that make up my faith in Christ. Nobody can see my heart. Nobody knew me before, and nobody knows me now -- except for Him. The journey is hard, at times, but always filled with wonder because I love learning and growth. I am so grateful for Him, for all He is, for all He does, and for including me in His mercy, grace, love, and charity. Blessed be His holy name forever!

The Ghost in the Machine

The body is like a machine that allows a spirit to function in the physical world, like a car has a driver that controls it. Without the driver, the car will not go, nor function -- it’s dead (unless it’s a zombie, or self-driving). The driver gets in the car, turns it on, and controls every aspect of its function: speed, direction, gears, lights, air conditioning, and so forth. While some functions may be automatic, each still can be controlled by the driver. Likewise, a spirit controls a body. Without the spirit, a body is just a dead machine. It has no function until inhabited by a spirit. The spirit gets in and drives the body.

I was born into a body and have learned how to manage it by trial and error. It has taken a long time to learn to manage the automatic functions of the body. I know when there are needs that must be filled, such as food for energy. I seek to make sure the body is cared-for. Just as a driver would learn to keep regular maintenance on a car, changing the oil, putting in the right kind of fuel, getting brakes checked, rotating tires, and so forth, I keep regular maintenance on my body. On a continuous basis, I eat the right kind of nutrients, sleep at the right time, bathe regularly, keep my bowel and bladder habits regular, and exercise every muscle, not waiting for the “idiot lights” to come on. I also learn to be careful about appetites, passions, and desires of the body that will cause decay and dysfunction. A “sweet-tooth” can cause dental caries, obesity, diabetes, and other problems. Any indulgence in pleasure can weaken my control over the body. Too much rest causes physical weakness. However, a total lack of pleasure may cause the body to rebel against the driver, refusing to function. Over time, I learn the right amounts of everything to keep the machine functional, and happy.

Just as a car can have many passengers, multiple spirits can be in the body at the same time. A man possessed of evil spirits was brought to Jesus, “And Jesus asked him, saying, What is thy name? And he said, Legion: because many devils were entered into him.” (Luke 8:30) One drives, and the rest are passengers. Though they can take turns driving. The other spirits that are with me are continually trying to take over control and sit in the driver’s seat. They try to be indulgent of sensations. They take me down roads I don't want to go. They create anxiety, fear, depression, hopelessness, hatred, or whatever they are -- they make the body feel and do physically what they are spiritually. Because of this, they disrupt my ability to be in control. There is a continual battle for the driver’s seat.

The Holy Ghost can also inhabit my body with me, as long as I make room by getting rid of all the rebellious passengers. They will not listen to the Holy Ghost so the Spirit will not come in to my body until they are gone. The process of repentance is cleaning out my body, getting rid of rowdy, evil, dark, hateful, hurtful, and indulgent spirits.The Holy Ghost will then be the navigator, but will not take control away from me, except in an emergency. Sometimes Jesus does take the wheel. But, mostly, I remain alone in the driver’s seat to learn to drive, being in control of every aspect of the function of the body as the Holy Ghost tells me what to do. Nephi tells me “...the Holy Ghost,,, will show unto you all things what ye should do.” (2 Nephi 32:5)

Over time, I gain experience and become a good driver. I keep my body in good shape for the road. I’m on a road trip with the Holy Ghost. I don’t know the way. I can only see the road immediately in front of me. I have a map, the scriptures, but since I’m not familiar with the area, I’m not sure how to read them. But with the help of the Holy Ghost, Nephi also says, “the words of Christ will tell you all things what ye should do.” (2 Nephi 32:3). My Navigator helps me to understand every word. We have stops along the way, places to see, people to know, and things to do. My trip gives me experiences that help me to grow and learn, meaning sometimes it's hard. Everyone has a different trip, a different path with different experiences. My map is different than that of anyone else. I cannot loan my map to anyone any more than I can loan my glasses to anyone. It’s my personal trip.

Sometimes, I take a detour off the map. I see a road to the left that looks like a fun place to go. I’m in control, and I don’t need a Navigator so He leaves. I drive along for awhile, having fun, enjoying the ride, until the way gets hard, steep, and rocky. I wasn’t prepared for this, and I need help. I pray and ask the Holy Ghost to return. He gets me back on the road, and I resolve never to stray from the path again -- until something on the right looks interesting! Gradually, I learn to listen to my Navigator, and stay on the path. I grow from being dependent, to independent. At some point I have enough experience to help others who have lost their way. I don’t know their map, so I can’t point the way for them to go, I can only help them to get their Navigator, and He gets them back on their path.

While the path is amazing and filled with wonders, this road trip ends like no other. There is nothing along the way that can even compare. For each traveler, no matter how they get there, the road leads to unity of body and spirit, peace, happiness, and love. It is reaching my full potential, being all that I can be. It is “eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God.” (D&C 14:7) There is no way to explain how wonderful it is because it must be experienced. Those who do not take this trip with the Holy Ghost, or who go off the road and never get back on will never arrive, and will never know what they might have had. Only those who “have taken the Holy Spirit for their guide” (D&C 45:57) can ever know God, a fullness of joy, and experience completely the wonders of His love.

Lessons from COVID-19

The only SARS-CoV-2 positive case I personally know did it right. Jo is 64 and active but has one risk factor -- chronic intermittent bronchitis. When she gets any cold, it turns into bronchitis every time and she will cough for months. She was given the nickname “BARK” because of her chronic barky cough. She was worried, rightly so, of getting sick during the pandemic so she did everything right. She took vitamin D 10,000 IU daily, as well as vitamin C and Zinc. She stayed at home with her husband, only going out for food. She kept her “social distance,” not interacting with others.

Four weeks ago, she suddenly got a fever of 100.5, and the worst headache of her life. She felt generally ill, so she went to the hospital to get tested. She increased her Vitamin D3 to 50,000 IU daily for four days, as well as Vitamin C 4,000 mg and Zinc 100 mg. The next day, the headache and fever were gone, but she still felt weak and sick, and she started getting a cough -- she was worried now.

That same day the test came back positive and the county health department called her, telling her to stay in quarantine for two weeks. They asked about her travel and ill contacts -- any potential exposure -- but she had none. The 48-hours prior to her illness were spent at home with no outside contact at all.

She continued the high-dose vitamins and zinc every day, and by the fourth day she was feeling better, (Plaquenil, or hydroxychloroquine, takes five days to work) and she decreased her vitamins back to baseline. She still had a cough, but it didn’t get worse, and she had no shortness of breath. The cough lasted for about a month, much less than usual, for her. She is now better, and was free to go to her daughter’s wedding, and visit family in New York. Her husband stayed home because he never got sick and wasn’t tested.

Historical Perspective
The most poignant lesson from history is that orthodox teachings are always wrong. Most prophets are rejected because they are unorthodox. Anyone teaching the truth who gets a following will be ostracized, censored, or killed. Nothing has changed. We like to think we’re enlightened because we have amazing technology, but we’re still learning, just like in eons past. Our official orthodox religion taught in every school and public organization is no different than ancient cults and religions, but, instead of mystical and powerful gods, we just use statistics. A quote from Mark Twain is relevant:

Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."

- Mark Twain's Own Autobiography: The Chapters from the North American Review

We are no different. Our culture is not enlightened. Nothing has changed. In the 1700’s the orthodoxy believed that scurvy was caused by evil spirits or bad humors. People who had the disease were bled mercilessly, buried up to their necks in hot sand, given mercury or other toxic “medicine,” or insufflated with a smoke enema. The truth about vitamin C was rejected while people suffered and died for fifty years after the cure was discovered. 

We are no different today. We continue with the same dangerous, toxic, and painful treatments for decades after we know they don’t work, and cures are discovered. Medical schools are still ten to fifty years behind the science in most areas. For example, a scientist at UCLA wrote a book a few years ago about his research on how to cure Alzheimer’s disease, but it isn’t found in medical schools, nor even on the website of the Alzheimer’s Association. I have not yet spoken with a neurologist who has read, or is even aware of, the book. I suppose those with the disease will have to suffer for fifty years like the sailors with scurvy in the 1700’s. It’s like Jean-Baptiste Alphonse Karr said:

                Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose.

In other words, if we base our beliefs on what everyone is saying, then we become part of the problem. Truth must not be made public; it must be kept in private so as not to offend the orthodoxy. So, as I may discern truth, I would like to share it with you, in private – my personal opinion. 😊

Beyond Toilet Paper – Be Prepared
The Boy Scout motto is appropriate for all times and all places. I am not a prophet, but those whom I know are prophets are telling us that COVID-19 is a harbinger of things to come. We have experienced a “test case” of what could happen if there is “germ warfare” on the planet. This was nothing, compared to what is possible. What we learn from this is essential to know:

• ·         The “official” strategies for prevention and treatment are not based on science.
• ·         Immune function is more important than treatment.
• ·         What really works for prevention.
• ·         How to prevent and treat “novel” illnesses.

The Science of Prevention – What Doesn’t Work

Masks:
Research since the 1970's tells us that within a few minutes of donning a mask, the output is the same as not having one. Research from 2016 may the most telling in that rather than just looking at output indicates the actual potential for infection. In this review, over 2000 cases comparing surgeons wearing masks with those not wearing them at all found no difference in the infection rate.[i]

In other words, the research indicates masks don’t prevent me from spreading infection to you, in spite of what we have been told by the CDC.[ii] Their “recent studies” to justify the recommendation to wear masks are found at the bottom of the web page, and have nothing to do with mask wearing. However, there is some evidence that wearing a mask may increase your risk of respiratory infections.[iii]

And if you think you can do better with an N95 mask, think again. One study compares N95 masks to surgical masks in healthcare workers, concluding:

“Conclusions and relevance: Among outpatient health care personnel, N95 respirators vs medical masks as worn by participants in this trial resulted in no significant difference in the incidence of laboratory-confirmed influenza.”[iv]

So, there is more evidence that wearing masks is, at best, useless, and at worst, harmful. Face coverings are not going to protect you from infection. We are better off tying our bandannas around our waist so there is less touching of the face. Don’t put your trust in things that are not going to work.

Staying Home:
Taiwan, South Korea, and Sweden took proper measures and did not shut down their economies, putting millions out of work:[v] (click on the link for a series of graphs that compare the U.S., South Korea, Taiwan, and Sweden)

https://ourworldindata.org/covid-deaths?country=USA~KOR~SWE~TWN

So, staying home from school and work does not help prevent the spread of illness. We were told it would “flatten the curve,” but in no case did a curve get flat. In fact, where testing is done randomly in highly populated areas the cases have been many multiples higher than when only sick people are tested.[vi] [vii] Thus, the curve was not flattened, we just didn’t monitor enough people to see how many cases there really were. The examples where countries didn’t have “stay-at-home” orders did not have a steeper curve than those that did. (see above) Moreover, people who stay at home are at higher risk for getting severe illness.[viii]

Overall death statistics are equivalent to a normal flu season.

The primary issue with statistics is that people have a hard time distinguishing “absolute” from “relative” numbers. In analyzing thousands of medical studies over the years, I have found it best to start with the foundation, the raw numbers, or the absolute numbers. Once the statisticians start making relative numbers, they can show just about anything from the same raw numbers. For example, when I sent out the CDC statistics on the Coronavirus, people were confused. I was saying that this is just a normal flu season, but everyone was hearing about huge spikes in deaths due to Coronavirus. This I will explain:

Every year, we have a “flu season” where the death rate goes up, from November to May. During the summer months the death rate is always significantly lower. The CDC puts out the “expected” number of deaths for each “flu season” based on past experience and the current population. If the number of deaths exceeds that, it is considered a high “flu season.” It is also important to define “flu.” This refers to the cases of “flu-like illness” which includes pneumonia. The individual organisms, such as Respiratory Syncytial Virus, Coronavirus, Orthomyxovirus, Paramyxovirus, Adenovirus, Mycobacterium, and so forth, are not distinguished. So, Coronavirus has always been included in the statistic.

Now, if we look at the total expected deaths during the “flu season” of 2019-2020, we get about 100%.[ix] In other words, this wasn’t even a “bad” flu season – Just average. However, if we look at the cases of Coronavirus, as a percentage of the total number of deaths, it looks like an epidemic.[x] This is the difference between absolute and relative statistics. Why did the death from this one virus increase so much without increasing the total number of deaths? The CDC keeps statistics based on death certificates. A diagnosis of SARS-CoV-2 brings a lot more money to a hospital, especially if they are put on a ventilator. Thus, the number of diagnoses increased. You get what you pay for.

The point is, if you believe you are safe because you are wearing a mask or staying home you have a greater chance of becoming a statistic because it's the wrong thing. This is like wearing flowers to protect you from the Plague, or wearing a rabbit's foot to prevent Scurvy. Actually, the research indicates you may be better-off wearing a rabbit’s foot to prevent Coronavirus, rather than a mask.

Vaccines
While it may be that some vaccines are useful, one must be very careful to apply each to their own needs. In every case, you must weigh the risks versus the benefits of the vaccine. If a doctor or anyone tells you there are no risks, then find better information elsewhere.

For example, the influenza vaccine is made every year on a guess as to what might come to the U.S. The 2018-20019 season produced the following statistics:

Virus by Patient Age	No. Vaccinated/Total No. (% Vaccinated)		VE (95% CI), %
	Influenza-Positive (Case Patients)	Influenza Negative (Noncase Patients)
All influenza viruses
All ages	1316/2763 (48)	4065/7249 (56)	29

Again, looking at the real numbers, we have 48% of those infected with the influenza last year were vaccinated, and 56% of those testing negative were vaccinated. From here statisticians work their magic to show “relative” effectiveness of the vaccine put at 29%, meaning people are 29% less likely to test positive if they had the vaccine. [xv] Every year, about half of those who get influenza had the vaccine. A truly effective vaccine would have no positives.

I had a patient who started getting seizures after a flu vaccine, which really affected her life. Her case was not reported to VAERS (vaccine adverse event reporting system) so it is not part of the statistics. I suspect that most vaccine adverse events aren’t reported so we cannot rely on statistics to help us make decisions on whether to vaccinate. However, in the case of the influenza, knowing that the effectiveness is questionable, at best, and the rare complications include permanent neurological damage, it is easy to decide.

Keep this in mind when a “CORONA-VAX” is being peddled. Don’t look at the percentages or relative numbers, look at the absolute numbers.

Ventilators
Not everyone understands the difference between a respirator and a ventilator. A ventilator is a machine that breaths for us. It is the old “iron lung” in a small package. It requires a tube in the trachea (windpipe) that pushes air into the lungs. When people can’t breathe because their muscles are not working, these are amazingly useful tools. However, when there is fluid in the lungs, preventing oxygen from getting to the blood, these don’t work. Also, our normal way of breathing is to contract muscles in the ribs and diaphragm, causing negative pressure in the chest, sucking air through the nose and into the lungs. A ventilator uses positive pressure to push air into the lungs. The problems associated with this includes popping, and collapsing lungs. For these reasons, 88% of those infected with the Coronavirus died if they were put on a ventilator. In this “epidemic” more ventilators equals more deaths, fewer ventilators equals fewer deaths. Only one in ten survive the ventilator. Be careful of the treatment options.

Drugs that fuel the virus
Anything that inhibits the function of immune cells, especially innate immunity, will cause more infections and death. One interesting twist to this particular virus is the way it attaches to cells. It binds to a receptor called Angiotensin-Converting Enzyme 2 (ACE2). Interestingly, the cells of people who are taking blood pressure medications that inhibit this enzyme have five times the number of these receptors.[xvi]

The CDC shows that the most common co-morbid condition of those who were hospitalized for the Coronavirus infection is hypertension. This may be because lots of people have hypertension, or because they take ACE inhibitors and have more receptors for the virus.

Be careful of the medications you are taking; they may make you more susceptible to infectious diseases.

The Science of Prevention – What Does Work

Handwashing

For almost two centuries hand washing has been the most effective way to prevent illness in the health care industry. Studies specifically on viral illnesses like influenza show that it might help, but some studies failed to find a difference. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6461122/) Even the studies that showed hand washing could prevent respiratory illnesses and flu, the best one could do is a 50% reduction. In one study after people in a household got sick, hand washing was recommended, but it didn't work at all because it was instituted after one of them got sick. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4465839/)  So, hand washing might help, but can't be relied-on to keep you safe from illness. The best way is, by far, to have an intact immune system. This allows us to have contact with illness, develop immunity against it, and not get sick. Nevertheless, it is essential that we continue to wash our hands, and try not to spread illness around. 

Immunity

Our immune systems are AWESOME! A fully-functional immune system will prevent ANY infection or cancer. If you think of the immune system as soldiers, you are only getting part of the story. Your immune system is more like a janitor, keeping the body clean, clearing up all the debris, and putting everything in its place. Yes, it does kill “foreign invaders,” but it’s like I told my daughter when she was feeling sorry for the spiders in our house:

We only kill spiders because they are in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Let that be a lesson to you!

Sometimes bacteria or viruses are welcomed by the body; our bodies make food (fucose) especially for them to grow. We carry around more of them, by far, than we do of “our own” cells. Most of the DNA we carry is from microorganisms. The blood is not sterile, but is constantly being cleaned by the immune system. There is a lot going on in the blood, so the need to clean is constant. In my kitchen at home I sweep the floor several times per day when people are there. I may run the dishwasher two or three times per day, and, of course, the carpets must be vacuumed regularly. It’s not that we don’t like dirt, but rather we want the dirt to stay outside, where it belongs, and not inside. Likewise, the efforts to keep the body clean are the constant domain of the immune system, keeping everything in its proper place.

So, how do we keep the immune system functional? Glad you asked!

Vitamin D
Some people get viral infections without symptoms because of their “innate” or “cellular” immune system. Before antibodies are ever made, the macrophages can take out infected cells before they become a virus factory, and then present it to the B-cells, which then make antibodies. Thus, the patient gets immunity without ever getting sick. The body makes “macrophage activating factor” (MAF) to start this process, which is vitamin D binding protein. This is why it is essential to have enough vitamin D, and also why “flu season” is in the winter, when we don’t make vitamin D.

I have tested many people for vitamin D levels and ask how much they take. Generally I find:

Dose of Vitamin D3	Blood level
400 IU (the RDA)	<30
2,000 IU	40
5,000 IU	50
10,000	70

The optimum level of vitamin D is 70-90 for the prevention of cancer and viral infections. Consider that twenty minutes in the sunshine on a summer day can net you 25,000 IU and you will understand what a physiologic dose is.

Vitamin C
Research with vitamin C shows that high doses can relieve the symptoms of viral illness, and supplementing with higher doses may prevent illness. For those with viral illnesses, vitamin C supplementation shortens the time of illness between twenty and fifty percent.

The white blood cells concentrate vitamin C from the blood over ten times. A healthy person absorbs about 200 mg per day of vitamin C, but when we get sick, we can absorb about 6,000 mg per day. Lower dosing during healthy times and higher dosing during illness seems to be best. During illness, those who had sufficient levels while healthy become relatively deficient, suppressing the immune response. Increasing vitamin C during a respiratory illness seems to prevent pneumonia in animals and humans.[xi]

Zinc
One common deficiency in the world is zinc, especially in men. Zinc is essential for function of the immune system.  In this case, however, more is not better, you only need enough – until you get sick. Zinc shortens the time of infection significantly.[xii] [xiii]

The dose of zinc is tricky. People who take too much can get copper deficiency, which will cause other problems, because zinc and copper compete for absorption. The nutritionists recommend about 11 mg per day of zinc. Those who are vegetarian many need more zinc, partly because the food has less, and partly because of phytates that bind zinc in the intestines, preventing absorption. My personal belief is to take a supplement of about 100mg once per week.

Now, again, like Vitamin C, zinc will shorten the time of illness, and you can take much more during an illness. I recommend around 200 mg per day during the course of an illness. Then, when you feel better, go back to 100 mg once per week.

Avoid Sugar
A note about sugar is in order since we’re discussing the immune system. Avoid sugar like the plague! (pun intended) Because eating sugar suppresses the immune response.[xiv] It’s amazing that people will do something useless like stay indoors and wear masks to prevent an illness, but won’t avoid sugar. If you see something sweet, train yourself to immediately think of it as 8 hours of letting your guard down. This is high-risk behavior.

How to lower Stress
Watching TV creates fear. The purpose of TV news is to create an emotional response. The simplest response to elicit is fear. Fear is stress. Moreover, there are so many different voices it becomes confusing. The people I know who watch TV lose their ability to be discerning, not knowing what to believe. Don’t watch TV, especially the “news.”

There are a few other things that help us keep a normal circadian rhythm, which keeps the immune system functioning:

• ·         Go to bed at 10 PM. The two hours of sleep before midnight are the most important for releasing Growth Hormone (HGH) to initiate the anabolic metabolism. This is the part of the day when you repair, cleanse, and detox from all the day’s activities.
• ·         No food after 6 PM is a great rule so you have an empty stomach when you go to bed at 10 PM. The empty stomach makes GHRELIN (growth hormone releasing hormone) that allows repair of the stomach, intestines, and the whole body. This way you will be ready for the next day, able to absorb all the nutrition you need. You can do even better by eating two meals per day, ending at 3 PM.
• ·         Eat breakfast by 8 AM. This starts the day, or the catabolic state. In fact, it is best to eat at 8 AM and 3 PM, and skip dinner altogether, giving you more time to be anabolic. This form of intermittent fasting works with your circadian rhythm to promote a fully-functional immune system.

Our Own Demise

Last, and most important, I would like to deal with death. As the medical director of a nursing home, this is something I deal with regularly. I sign a lot of death certificates. I think it is essential that the reality of your eventual demise be at the forefront of your mind at all times. Continually ask yourself, “Am I now doing everything on my ‘bucket list?’” Rather than neglect this reality, or try to postpone it, make it a part of your daily life. The sooner you deal with your mortality in a real way, the better. The reason this is so important is that when you hear some person on TV tell you that they will save you, you can know that it's not true and you won't get sucked into the vortex of lies.

I had a “wake-up call” about ten years ago when a colleague of mine died unexpectedly. He was my age. His patients, who were much older and all had “death sentences” (cancer) outlived him. We don’t know how long we’re going to live so we need to be prepared to go at any time. I believe that our days are numbered and we don’t extend nor diminish our time as mortals, but we can increase our enjoyment of whatever time we have by staying healthy.

Last week I had a patient in the nursing home who said he died twice in one day and was resuscitated. One of those times he remembers being outside his body, looking at what the doctors were doing, and was amazed at how good it felt to be out of pain. Then, they shocked him, and he was back in pain again. He said he’s not afraid to die.

I would not say that you shouldn’t hang on to life in any circumstance, but rather acknowledge your mortality and live every day to the fullest – “to live like you were dying.” (with apologies to Tim McGraw) I have people in my office who do nothing but try to prevent death. They take hundreds of dollars of vitamins every month, whether they need them, or not. One woman brought in two shopping bags filled with pill bottles. She wanted to discuss each of them. I asked her what she did all day, and she admitted that her life mostly revolved around supplements. The constant focus on preventing death really just prevents people from living.

So, when the next “pandemic” hits, you will be prepared, you will be able to take care of yourself, and you will not fear. You will have the right food, and enough toilet paper. You will have the right supplements and know how to take them. You will have a healthy circadian rhythm. You will not be swayed by media reports. You will not fear death, but continue to live your life in the best way you can. And, if you survive it, you will be a rock – like Jo. Jo is so happy to have had the virus because she now feels free. She no longer wears a mask (unless required), she is traveling and enjoying her life.

---

[i] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7138271/

[ii] https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prevent-getting-sick/cloth-face-cover.html

[iii] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2662657/

[iv] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31479137/

[v] https://ourworldindata.org/covid-deaths?country=USA~KOR~SWE~TWN

[vi] https://news.usc.edu/170565/covid-19-antibody-study-coronavirus-infections-los-angeles-county/

[vii] https://www.medrxiv.org/content/10.1101/2020.04.14.20062463v2

[viii] https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/need-extra-precautions/people-at-higher-risk.html

[ix] https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nvss/vsrr/COVID19/index.htm

[x] https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/covid-data/covidview/index.html#mortality

[xi] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5409678/

[xii] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3394849/

[xiii] https://academic.oup.com/advances/article/10/4/696/5476413

[xiv] https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/health-fitness/prevention/does-sugar-really-suppress-the-immune-system?utm_source=sciam&utm_campaign=sciam

[xv] https://academic.oup.com/jid/article/221/1/8/5609441

[xvi] James H Diaz. Hypothesis: angiotensin-converting enzyme inhibitors and angiotensin receptor blockers may increase the risk of severe COVID-19. Journal of Travel Medicine, 2020; DOI: 10.1093/jtm/taaa041

Love and Growth

Growth happens. It happens by itself. It cannot be forced. It isn’t cause-effect. Growth happens by choice. When opportunity is provided there can be growth. Opportunity is possibility, proper conditions only provide the possibility for growth. Love bestows agency.

Dirt and water provide the possibility for the seed to grow, but that doesn’t make it grow. If it is not a good seed all the dirt and water in the world cannot force it to grow. If the dirt is too dry, too wet, too acid, too alkaline, too hot, too cold, or is missing nutrients, then the conditions are not right. The gardener must know, and provide, all the right conditions needed for that particular seed to grow. Nevertheless, even when the gardener has put in all the work, has all knowledge, and creates a perfect environment, the growth only happens according to the will of the seed.

I cannot make my children grow up, I can only provide an environment for growth. I provide food and a place for them to grow up physically. I provide books and teachers for them to grow up mentally. I bring them to church where they can grow spiritually. I spend time with them, and let them have friends so they can grow socially and emotionally. But I don’t’ make them grow up. They choose. If they choose not to eat the food I provide, they will not grow physically. If they choose not to read the books I give them they will not grow mentally. If they choose not to live the gospel, they will not grow spiritually.

Love is growth, Growth is love. Providing for growth is love. Love does not determine the outcome, it only provides space, materials, and conditions where another can grow, if desired. The child loves by using the space given in love to grow up, mature, and become loving and giving.

Making a garden where fruit and vegetables can grow is love. Preparing the soil, clearing the weeds, planting the seeds, fertilizing and watering are all the work of love. Tomatoes are the fruits of love, the gifts given to the gardener who provided space for them to grow. The gifts of love are all those things we do to help others grow -- not to make them grow, but to provide a “place” (environment) where they can grow.

God loves His children by providing a world in which we can grow. He is the gardener, but does not, will not, indeed, cannot, cause, make, or force us to grow. He simply provides a place, a situation, a world, and all that it entails, where we can learn and grow -- if we choose to accept it. In spite of all the love, some do not choose to grow. Some seeds don’t sprout. Some sprout but don’t flourish; others grow up but don’t produce fruit, few grow up and produce fruit. Some fruit is very good, some is not, each according to their individual abilities and desires for growth.

Love does not give what another wants, but rather gives what is needed for growth. Love requires knowledge beyond the child. Those who love must know what conditions are perfect for growth of that individual. Love is knowing perfect timing. If I plant a tomato seed in the fall, the plant will die, as much as it wants to grow up and produce fruit. Love is knowing proper placement. Knowing which require full sun, and which need shade, is essential for their growth. Love is knowing the exact conditions for each to grow. Without knowledge there is no love. Perfect knowledge is perfect love. 

"For we know in part, and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect is come, then that which is in part shall be done away. When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known."

1 Corinthians 13:9-12

Omniscience is needed for perfect love. Indeed, the omniscience of God allows Him to be perfectly loving, providing the exact proper conditions for each of His children to grow up and produce fruit. Each has a different life, different environment, and different conditions, according to their individual needs. Everyone has the perfect garden plot with the right amount of water, the right kind of soil, the right fertilizer, and the right amount of sunshine to allow them to be all that they can be, and produce all the fruit they can, or desire. God loves His children by providing what they need.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

John 3:16

He has provided the One thing everyone needs. Jesus Christ is love. He is the greatest love. He has provided a world and the opportunity of salvation for all those who want to grow. He is the perfect Gardener -- omniscient, kind, merciful, gracious, giving -- even suffering all things, laying down His own life, for His children. 

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."

John 15:13

He is the Vine, the Stem, we are the branches. We get our nourishment from Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life. He provides all we need to grow, according to our desires and abilities. He prepares the soil, waters, nurtures, fertilizes, and pulls the weeds. The environment is perfect for each to grow up, mature, and produce abundantly. We only have to take advantage of His offer, His love, to grow up and become all that we can be. 

"But if ye will nourish the word, yea, nourish the tree as it beginneth to grow, by your faith with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the fruit thereof, it shall take root; and behold it shall be a tree springing up unto everlasting life. And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst."

Alma 32:41-42

Those who grow up through faith in Him are truly fruitful. We are, those who grow up, the fruit of love. We receive love by taking advantage of our perfect life, accepting the gifts which He provides, and growing up to give fruit, gifts of love to Him. Blessed be the name of God for providing His Son!

WISDOM

A friend was having trouble breathing, and the doctors were not being diligent so I took over and ordered the tests, which uncovered a stage 4 lung cancer and I had to be the bearer of bad news. As I've thought on this, I realized that I don't dread nor fear death, not for me, nor for others. Even the young who are taken are blessed to be going to meet God, going home. I like that. I thought that if I were leaving this world and going home, knowing that I would have limited, if any, ability to communicate with you mere mortals, what would I want to leave behind? I'm sure it would be wisdom. Wisdom comes from experience. Experience means making mistakes, and not making mistakes. I can’t give wisdom, but I can share the wisdom I have accumulated over the years.

When we’re young we’re foolish so we get rules. We need the rules so we can walk in wisdom’s paths before we actually get wisdom. The Law of Moses was a set of rules to help a foolish people, the children of Israel, learn to be wise. The Ten Commandments are a basic set of rules, but the law of Moses was even more specific. I have been young and foolish, and in some ways I still am. I would like to share the wisdom I have learned so far, especially around feelings.

Having a feeling doesn’t mean I need to act on it.
Feelings are not facts.
All feelings need to be judged and put in their proper place.
Some feelings need to be acted on, others need to be pushed aside.

Knowledge
I know nothing. Plato had it right, everything we see, hear, and feel is shadows of reality. Socrates is quoted, “I only know that I know nothing.” I have lived my life feeling like I could know things by studying, thinking, and learning but what I found is for every mountain I climb, there is a higher one in the distance. Because I cannot know what I don’t know I can never know anything. I wanted truth, but only got theories and opinions. I don’t even know all of my own assumptions on which I base my “truth.” Therefore, I can know nothing, of myself. The only way to know anything is to know everything. If there is anything I don’t know, then I cannot be sure I know anything, so I know nothing.

However, I can know something if someone who knows everything tells me. Since God is omniscient, if He tells me something I know it. I may not know everything, but I can know something because I trust that God will not lie. I know God lives because I have spoken with Him, I know Him like I know anyone in the world. He has told me a few things, namely, Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world. Nobody has any hope of life except through Him. All of our efforts are vain without Him. He is everything. EVERYTHING. Without Him there is nothing. I know this because God told me, and He told me why in a way that I can understand. I wrote a whole book on it, filled with the knowledge that all things exist and have life in Him. I know what life is about, and why. There is no knowledge except in and through Jesus Christ. None.

Money
I always believed that if I only had enough money I could rest. I felt like rest would come from having riches. I wouldn’t have to work, I wouldn’t “have to” do anything. I could just do what I wanted, and rest when I wanted.

Through my life I have been everywhere and done everything. I’ve played with the rich and famous, been on a private yacht around the Mediterranean, lived by the beach in Cannes, France, been an advertising model, eaten all kinds of food, lived in squalor with the poor of Venezuela, ran my own businesses, counseled and broke bread with the most famous man in the world, counseled the insane, built buildings, been a doctor to the stars, traveled all over the world, seen everything I could want to see... and more. I have been very blessed. What I learned is that money is simply a tool. A chainsaw can be used to cut down trees, or massacre a bunch of people in Texas. Money can be good and useful in the right hands, and devastatingly destructive in the wrong hands. And most important, there is no rest for the rich and famous.

Money only represents one thing -- the value of service I provide in the world. If other people value what I provide, then I will get a lot of money, if they don’t, then I won’t. I have wished for excess, money beyond the value I give, taking advantage of the ignorance and weakness of others, providing nothing and getting paid for it - like winning the lottery. In my business this is the rule, and not the exception. Doctors promise health and a longer life, but the drugs they prescribe cannot deliver on that promise, and often cause worse problems. Thus, being a “good doctor,” following protocols, and practicing the “standard of care” makes me a thief. I am taking money, but not providing the promised service. I have tried to get out of this as best I can by seeking the cause of illness instead of just treating symptoms with drugs. I want to get something for nothing, but I don’t want to be a thief. It’s the same thing. I have resolved to make sure the money I get is equal to the value I provide to others of the things of the world. I'm working on it.

Honesty
I have seen that honesty is a most rare quality. I have been deceived into thinking that I knew many things that I didn't know. When I come across ideas, concepts, or research that contradicts my beliefs, I ignore it, push it aside, and make it unimportant. There is such a thing as self-deception, and I have been there many times. I think I know something that isn't true. Getting out of this is not possible without the help of God because I can't know what I don't know. What's more, I can continue to deceive myself. Skeptics doubt the ideas of others, but not their own. Humility is doubting yourself while believing others. I'm a skeptic, at heart. It's very hard for me to doubt my beliefs so I continue to live in a fantasy world. I'm working on learning the truth line upon line, to be humble, and honest.

The other part is just lying. I have always excused myself in saying things that weren't true, telling stories as if they were true, and embellishing things to bolster my argument or make it sound better. Sometimes I make up plausible explanations on the spot. It's automatic with me. The lies come out without even thinking. Sometimes I wonder at the stupidity of what I just said -- a lie that didn't help anything. I'm getting much better at monitoring my thoughts as I speak, and pushing out the lies. I want to be TOTALLY honest, in my thoughts and words. It's very important. I cannot be trusted unless I'm completely honest. Any little foray into fantasyland makes me completely untrustworthy. I can no longer try to justify lies, but see them for what they are, and not do it. It's a work in progress.

Food and Health
I have a sweet tooth. I love sweets. I like anything sweet. Put enough sugar in merde (pardon my French) and I’d like it. As a child I found partially-eaten hard candy melting into the sidewalk on a hot day, and scraped it off and ate it. This is another lust that I have had to put aside. I have bad teeth. I allow myself sweets on occasion, and I always regret it. If I eat chocolate, it’s gone in 60 seconds, and I’m left with only a craving. The more I eat, the more I want to eat, the more I eat. In college, I could sit down to study with a package of Oreo cookies and eat the whole thing. Then, I just want more. It’s one of those addictions that does no good, and can be left alone without any untoward effects. I can have fruit. Sweet! I enjoy it, and it nourishes. I don’t feel regrets after eating raisins, grapes, or an apple. I’m still working on it.

I have seen the main health issues in the world are caused by food. First of all, there is so much that we call food that is processed chemicals made to look like food. Food needs to fill my need for nourishment, but I eat things for taste. I can’t taste nourishment so I eat things that are not nourishing. There is plenty around so I get fat. I have tried to make changes in my life to limit what I put in my mouth to only things that will nourish my body. It’s hard, because there is so much that is not nourishing that tastes good. I don’t like spinach and kale, but I eat it when I can so I can have a healthy body. It’s a work in progress.

The single best thing that a human being can do for their health is to fast. Fasting gives strength to the body. Fasting restores health. Fasting cures illness. Fasting repairs damage. Fasting cleanses the body. Fasting removes toxins. Fasting repairs digestion and allows better absorption of nutrients. Fasting resets the adrenal system and relieves stress. All that is good for the body is done while I fast. Yet, knowing all this, I still hate to fast. My body has an immediate bad reaction to the thought of fasting. I hate it -- no, I hate the thought of it. I have found that going without food is liberating and easy -- if I can get past the body screaming, “NOOOOOOOO!” In spite of this, I’ve fasted seven days with water only, and many times for one, two, or three days. I do it frequently. The hardest thing for me is “intermittent fasting,” where I eat only breakfast and lunch. I tend to not be hungry in the morning, but I get really hungry in the evening. I too often give in to the cravings of the body and eat when I get home from work at night. It’s hard! But, I continue to work on it.

Sex
The Law of Moses is very specific about sex: Don’t rape your mom, nor your stepmother, nor your daughter, nor your sister, nor your sister-in-law... and so forth. The reason is because the hormones that accompany puberty in boys cause an aggressive “sex drive” -- a “need” for sex that is often more powerful than hunger and thirst. I knew a woman who was given the wrong cream and got double a man’s normal testosterone levels. Her comment after finally figuring out the cause of her problem: “It was crazy! I wanted to have sex with anyone and anything all the time! Everything I heard, saw, or thought had sexual connotations. If men have to feel like that constantly, I certainly have more respect for them!” The reason young men are given rules surrounding sex is because it’s a very strong feeling. This is also why young men should not be given responsibilities nor allowed to be alone with young girls. It would be like leaving a three-year-old in charge of her favorite cookies after not eating for two days.

In today’s world I could be the “B” in LGBTQ... But, while I recognize the feelings, I know I don’t need to act on them. It exists. It’s OK. It’s just going to stay in a place that I put it, out of the way of my life. That’s not an option for me, I don’t want that lifestyle, even though I have the feelings -- I could. I have a choice, and I prefer to go down a different path. I can’t walk both paths at the same time. This is one thing where I found wisdom without making a mistake, or by not going down the wrong path, though I had many opportunities.

Regarding sex, the Lord has continuously said that this is the cross men have to bear.

...go no more after the lusts of your eyes, but cross yourself in all these things; for except ye do this ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. Oh, remember, and take it upon you, and cross yourself in these things. (Alma 39:9)

Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. (Matthew 5:27-30)

I believe this also applies to masturbation (I hate that word!), to stimulate my own genitals to orgasm. I wrote in my journal many years ago that a friend had a problem with this issue, but I didn’t, and he later read it and tore the page out. Nobody wants to admit this weakness. Orgasm is something I really want, and I can do it better than anyone else, but that is so anti-climactic. The experience of contact with another body is so much better. Each time I fell into the practice, the Spirit would whisper a scripture to me from the Apostle Paul telling Timothy, “...lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God...” The problem with giving in to the desires of the body is that it saps the energy, it takes the manhood, it depletes strength, and takes away the resolve of the soul. It causes me to need more sleep, and I’m less inclined to be creative and driven. When I do as Jesus said, above, “pluck it out, and cast it from thee,” or, “cut it off (figuratively, of course!) and cast it from thee,” then I am more spiritual as well, I connect with God more than my body. Fasting is so good for me! Nevertheless, I get weak on occasion and give in to the flesh. I am resolved to never do that again!

Pornography
Because I had so many sexual feelings I found anything sexual attractive. In junior high school I saw a drawing on the side of the storm drain I was walking through. It was more like a cave-man drawing of a naked woman, but I was very attracted to it. Later, I found my dad’s “girlie magazines” in his closet when my parents weren’t home. Several times around eight years old I spent the night at a friend’s house whose dad was gay. They had magazines with pictures of naked men in their living room! I don’t know what my mom was thinking. Friends and family introduced me to pornography, I never had to seek it, it was just there -- it’s everywhere. The problem with pornography is that it turns people into objects to be used. Men who look at naked women are using them. Women are using the lusts of men to get money by taking off their clothes. Some say it’s just business, men and women getting what they want, but it is the strongest barrier to the most important thing in the world -- love. We cannot love an object. This is another road I didn’t go down, though I was exposed to porn, and I found it very desirable, I never sought it or paid for it.

Beauty and Marriage
Girls need to feel beautiful. We have beauty contests for girls to give everyone an excuse to stare at their lovely little bodies. They don’t know the lust this creates in boys. I see girls in only one of two ways. Either she is a person, or she is attractive. If she is attractive then she is not a person, she is an object to fill my needs. Girls want to be objects, not people. Girls move in with boyfriends, or marry boys, who see them as things. These boys are very good at taking care of their things. They wash and shine their car, they keep their tools in order, and the saw sharp, and they give their women whatever they want. Both of them are caring for each other so neither has to grow up. This “caring for” is not love, it’s lust, and need. She is an object, just one of his things. If a boy sees another girl that he finds attractive, he could desire her as well.

Beauty is paradoxically most subjective, and at the same time, most objective. I knew a woman who was a supermodel for Calvin Klein in the 80’s when it was big. She came to see me because she was overweight, and wanted to get her figure back. However, when she lost ten pounds she started getting panic attacks. After a long discussion as to why, she realized that she was tired of being an object, she wanted to be a person, so she quit the program, and stayed fat. She realized that she can't be both attractive and human. Being beautiful first puts the cart before the horse. The way it works for me is to be a person, and then when I learn to love the person she becomes attractive.

Girls want to be attractive before they get married, but then be a person afterwards. Sometimes that works out. As a man gets older he may actually experience love and admiration for his wife, and see her inner beauty. She may become a person who is beautiful, which is the only way to have both. In my first marriage, I married an object, and it caused many problems, and eventual divorce. She didn’t become a person until after the divorce. I see others who continue to see their “exes” as objects. The second time, I married a person I had known for many years. She was a person so she wasn’t attractive. I frankly told her that I loved her, but I wasn’t in love with her. She didn’t like that idea, but it makes marriage easier. Now, I love my wife, she is not an object or thing to be used, but I’m attracted to her only intermittently. Sometimes she is just “plain Jane” and sometimes she is so beautiful I can’t believe it! But, she's always a person; I suspect if she were always attractive, she’d be an object.

This would be the advantage of a gay man marrying a woman. She would not be an object, she would be a person from the beginning. This makes marriage much easier. I read the story of a young man who was gay and married his best friend, a girl who was aware that he wasn’t sexually attracted to her. They now have three children and a happy marriage. He is a marriage and family therapist, and notes that he has a better sex life than most of the straight guys he counsels. His wife was never an object; she was always a person to him.

God
The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost fill every need, meet every challenge, and comfort every sorrow. If I have sought anything of the world to fill my needs I’m always disappointed. It’s not fulfilling. I become a bottomless pit. If I think money can fill my needs, there is never enough. If I think sex will fill my emptiness it only works for minutes to days. If I think sugar will stop the craving for sweets, it only makes it worse. I have realized that I’m an eternal being. My needs are infinite.

I need a line but the world gives me a segment.
I need endless oceans but the world gives me a cup of water.
I need worlds without number but the world gives me seven and a half acres.
I need the riches of eternity but the world gives me a thousand dollars a day.
I need emotional fulfillment but the world gives me ten minutes of bliss.
I need eternal joy but the world gives me seasons in the sun.
I need to be filled but the world gives me a sucker.
I need to create galaxies but the world gives me some wood and nails.
I need infinite posterity but the world gives me a handful of children.
I need eternal life but the world gives me a hundred years.

Everything in the world is so temporary! The only way to be filled, satiated, and complete is by becoming one with God. This happens by completely and totally losing myself in Him. I give up all I have, all I want, all my desires, my whole heart to Him. I love only Him. I desire only Him. I seek only Him. I work only for Him. My thoughts turn to Him. I give up everything of the world including family, money, and needs. I offer my whole soul to Him. It’s a process, not an event. I call it the process of repentance as I gradually give up the things of the world and choose the things of eternity. I’ll know I’m there when I see the Lord, when I have the experience of the brother of Jared on the mountain, when Jesus says, “ye are redeemed from the fall; therefore ye are brought back into my presence; therefore I show myself unto you.” (Ether 3:13) It’s possible. I believe in Him. I trust in Him. I’m willing to suffer whatever it takes to be there. It will happen. And I know that all those things of the world that I wanted so badly will be like merde. (Pardon my French)

Nothing can compare to eternal life, nothing else is worth trading. I get it in my head, I believe that I understand, but my heart takes a long time. I’m mentally gifted, but spiritually retarded. My heart takes a very long time to change. My changes have been over decades. I received a testimony of Joseph Smith and the restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ over thirty years after I fasted and prayed three days for it. I learned about the most basic principle of the gospel, faith, over forty years after I was baptized. I’m slow, but I have stayed. I have never given up. I have been depressed, but continued on the path, always in the dark, not knowing, not feeling, without a heart. I’m naturally a Pharisee, cleaning the outside of the cup, while the inside is dirty. I’m still trying to get it on the inside. I know the Lord will help me, but I suspect it’s going to be decades because I’m retarded.

The wisdom of finding God is to make a covenant with Him, and stay with it, don’t give up, stay on the path. If I go off, I pray for forgiveness and get back on. “Endure to the end” means to stay on the path until the end of my probation. That may be in this life, when I’m redeemed from the fall, or after, when I stand before the judgment bar of God. The “end” is the final judgment. I’ll just keep repenting as I go, until I’m ready -- until I finish my probation and I’m judged to be worthy to enter into the kingdom of God and receive eternal life. Maybe I'll never completely overcome all of my issues above, but I know the Lord is merciful so I just keep going. I'm going to stay on the path. The Lord told me that the only way to avoid eternal life is to leave the path of repentance. I would have to purposely go in another direction -- which I don’t intend to do.  If one is on the path of life, the greatest wisdom that can ever be given is:
“Never, never, never give up!”

Real Life

I was praying about my situation, thinking about what I really loved: God, Truth, Jesus Christ, Love, Faith, Knowledge, Hope, Wisdom, Peace, Holy things, Charity and so forth. I realized that I would never have to understand what He did for me, and I am so grateful for that. I would never have to know the suffering of damned souls in hell because He did, and by so doing spared me the same pain. I feel so grateful! I asked God if I could personally come to my Savior to thank Him for His gift given to me.  I would kneel before him and bathe His feet with my tears of gratitude.  At that point I had a vision:

I was walking toward Him, we were alone, there was nothing else, and nobody else, around. I walked up to Him slowly, and knelt down and I was about to speak my grateful heart when He reached down and put His arms around me and lifted me straight up off my feet. He was so happy that I was there.  He gave me a big hug, not a pat on the back, but a full, strong embrace filled with love and joy, like I was a long-lost son returning home.  He was SO HAPPY!  It wasn’t a “I’m bigger than you” relationship, or “I’ll help you out of the mess you got yourself into…”  There was no judgment at all, rather it was just joy and even gratitude that I had come to Him.  He was grateful for me!  He thanked me! I was perplexed, and He said, “I’m thankful that you took advantage of my offer so I didn’t suffer in vain. I offered a gift into which I put my whole heart, my whole being, my whole soul. I suffered both body and spirit so my brethren would not have to suffer, and I’m so grateful for those who receive my gift. I don’t want my suffering to be in vain. I want every soul to accept my gift to them. Thank you for accepting my suffering. Thank you!”

He saved me, and is grateful to me! It was amazing to feel pure humility, and I understood that the words, “there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner who repents…” is referring to HIM.  He rejoices when His Atonement can apply to ANYONE.

At the same time I understood the other side of the Atonement.  Why wouldn’t anyone want to accept such a gift?  Why would they suffer?  I cried like Enoch when he saw God weep for his lost children.  I felt the pain God feels.  I wept for my own lost children whom I cannot save.  Why won’t they choose happiness?  Why will they choose misery?  …and my soul refused to be comforted.

I shed tears of joy for His joy, and tears of sorrow for His sorrow.  They come together, as God explained to Enoch.  This is life, because life is agency.  He knows it, and does it anyway.  He feels the extremes of emotion for His children.  It’s wonderful to be alive!