Sexual maturity is entirely hidden from our view in the modern world. Pornography and explicit sex are huge industries. All around us we see sexual innuendo and fantasy. Women and men spend fortunes on surgery, clothing, spas, peels, and make-up to appear "sexy," or to be sexually attractive. Advertising of even the most non-sexy products, like egg beaters, are based on sexual fantasy.
Human beings find sex incredibly enticing. Just the use of the word "sex" in any conversation makes ears perk up from the youngest to the oldest. However, it's all a fantasy. None of it is real. Because our childish ideas about sex are two-dimensional we can never really find what we're looking for. All of the commotion surrounding sex feeds into the childhood fantasy, and keeps us from finding true sexual fulfillment. Our childish sexual fantasies of being loved without any effort on our part can persist into adulthood if we don't actively change them. It's not an accident, they are principles and practices which must be followed. For those few who actually do it, the reality of sex is just the opposite of the fantasy -- it gets better and better.
Sex with a stranger
Part of the fantasy requires that we don't know the person with whom we have sex. It feels more comfortable to have sex with strangers because we can imagine them to fit our fantasy. Each one of a couple is looking for his or her own fantasy to be fulfilled, which is little more than "mutual masturbation" where each uses the body of the other for personal stimulation. There is little connection with the partner beyond their ability to help produce an orgasm. The orgasm itself becomes the objective, and seems to fill the need for a connection with the partner, albeit briefly. Those who don't "need" orgasms then just don't have sexual relationships -- or no relationships at all. A stranger always seems more interesting because s/he can be anything you want, this is called "mystery."
If there is no intimacy in a sexual relationship, the only thing that may make it exciting or enticing is mystery. However, as Dan Fogelberg said, "Mystery's a thing not easily captured, and once deceased not easily exhumed." It's mysterious. We don't know why we feel the way we do. It just happens. We "fall in love" and feel the need to consummate a relationship though we don't even know the other. The word "mystery" could just be replaced by "fantasy." There is no reality. There is no connection. There is no love. It's just a fantasy.
We make the person into what we want them to be, but we can only do this to a stranger because as they come to know each other, reality will stare them in the face. The fantasy is what I want, not what my spouse is -- I don't love him/her, I only love what I want him/her to be. Thus, . Reality will show us the huge gap between what we wanted and what we have so we would never want to know our spouse intimately. Thus, paradoxically, love is the opposite of love because sexual fantasy is the opposite of sexual intimacy. A couple has sexual problems because they don’t want to know each other. They are afraid to talk about how they really feel because they would have to sacrifice their precious fantasies.
Sexual deviance comes from avoiding reality. Without either mystery or intimacy the sexual experience quickly becomes routine and boring. But, they still have desires so they need to try to find a way to make it more interesting. They may try different positions or use sex toys, or, they may look at pictures or watch movies that portray sex with others. As this also becomes routine too often they seek other strangers to use. Lasciviousness of all types only feed the fantasy, creating a never-ending downward spiral.
Sex without commitment
Sex is preferable with strangers not only for excitement and mystery, but also for the lack of commitment. We cannot make a commitment to a mystery because we have no control over it. A commitment would require us to give up our fantasies, but we want to hold onto the fantasies and continue to believe love is outside of our control.
Problems are created when a fantasy forms the foundation of marriage. Instead of a commitment to their spouse each has a selfish commitment to maintain his or her own fantasy. Many couples maintain the fantasy as long as they can, but eventually it becomes hopeless. Each accuses the other of "lying" because they really weren't the fantasy they "promised" to be. Now it seems their fantasies will never be fulfilled. They can't "bring back that loving feeling." When the mystery, or fantasy, dies, they no longer see any reason to be married, and they get divorced. Some go through multiple marriages in this manner, never able to make a real commitment because they continue to live in a fantasy world. They keep hoping for "Mr./Ms. Right" to come along who will fit perfectly into their fantasies. Since we are told that we cannot determine if he is Mr./Ms. Right unless we know we are "sexually compatible," many are carried away into a persistent fantasy world from which there is no escape. Married or not, few sacrifice their fantasies, instead becoming bitter and angry when they can no longer find strangers to have sex with.
We can't have both knowledge and mystery so fantasy and commitment cannot co-exist. Either we know a person, or we have mystery, not both. In the movie The Lion King the two lion cubs, Simba and Nala, were best friends. When they were told that they were betrothed, Simba winced, "EEEEEW! I can't marry her, she's my friend!" His idea of marriage was to a stranger, or a fantasy -- a non-committal relationship -- not someone he knew and loved. Likewise, children don't like to consider the fact that their parents have a sexual relationship because they consider their parents to be committed. They don't like the idea of their parents living in a fantasy world, nor can they let go of equating sex with a fantasy. Even children know, a priori, that sexual fantasy and sexual commitment are mutually exclusive.
Sexual reality
Since immature love is the opposite of mature love the first must be sacrificed to have the second. The fantasy must be acknowledged and sacrificed in order to obtain reality. We don't know what our expectations of marriage are until we actually get married. At that point, our spouse helps us to see our fantasies and the sacrifice we need to make.
Sex is ordained of God to be the token of this intimate relationship. It is just the opposite from the "mystery" taught by those who are immature because there is no mystery, but rather knowledge. The Scriptures use the euphemism "to know" for sex. "Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived..." (Genesis 4:1) Knowledge, and not mystery, is what leads to intimacy. A truly intimate relationship leads to a real connection -- to unity. What people really crave is this connection. Sigmund Freud wrote in his autobiography, The Psychopathology of Everyday Life, that men want to have an intimate relationship with their mother, to crawl back into the womb, so to speak. This is symbolic of the unity we really need. This unity cannot come from a fantasy, but it can come from intimacy.
It's unfortunate that we use the word "love" for both fantasy and reality. The reality of sex is on the opposite end of the scale from fantasy because it's loving. There is no mystery, but rather knowledge. Reality requires that your eyes be wide open. Love really is the sacrifice we make for the benefit of our beloved. The sacrifice of the heart, or our fantasies, is the greatest gift of love.
Giving the gift of love leads to sexual fulfillment. The real excitement in a relationship is coming to know each other. There is no end to this. There is no way to fully know a person in this life because people are very complex. Our spouse also reflects us so we learn about ourselves as well. This is the process of becoming intimate. A man must seek to know his wife, and a woman must seek to know her husband before they can be truly intimate and find unity, love and sexual fulfillment.
Teaching children about sex
Children need to be taught about sex from a very young age. They should first know how mom and dad came to know each other. They should know the difference between fantasy and reality. They must be told about the sacrifices that are made for love. Each couple would need to teach their children from a young age what a sexual relationship really is, namely knowledge and commitment. They would need to model unselfishness, giving instead of taking. As children grew up with this model of intimacy in the home, they would naturally seek it in their own lives as they prepared for love and marriage. They would already understand the need to sacrifice their fantasies. Moreover, they would also be fortified against the childish whims of the hyper-sexual world around them.
If every child grew up with this knowledge, there would be no sexual innuendo, no seeking a fantasy, and no selfish use of the body of another. Because of this there would be no divorce, no unwanted children, and no dysfunctional families. All of our social diseases of body, mind and spirit would disappear. It would bring world peace. Life on our planet would truly be better.
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