Love and Mystery

The big question for couples in love is intoned by Dan Fogelberg: "Now that we love... how do we make love stay?" The song contains the following lines:

" Moments fleet taste sweet within the rapture,
Where precious flesh is greedily consumed;
'cause mystery's a thing not easily captured,
And once deceased not easily exhumed."
         Dan Fogelberg, Now That We Love

Romantic love is based on mystery, or fantasy. In stories and novels about love between a man and a woman there is an essential element of mystery involved. A man can look at a beautiful woman and fall in love with her in an instant, without knowing anything about her. A woman falls in love with a tall, dark, and handsome stranger who rescues her from her mundane life. Their eyes meet for the first time, and they know destiny is about to be fulfilled. In this case they each love the prospect of the other being able to fulfill a fantasy. They see the potential of being loved by the perfect person. They seem to melt together, they fit so well. This truly is love. The mystery is necessary for romantic love to continue.

However, as Dan Fogelberg points out, once the mystery is gone and we find that we have just another person with weaknesses and problems the fantasy dies and doesn't come back. Reality is constantly staring us in the face. We can no longer pretend he or she is the person who fulfills our dreams. Love dies. They accuse each other of lying -- you aren't the one I married! They didn't really fit one another's fantasies, as hard as they may have tried.

Best friends
In the movie The Lion King the young Simba and his friend Nala are told that they are betrothed and their reactions illustrate how people feel about love and marriage:
Simba: "EEEEWWW! I couldn't marry her, she's my friend!"
Nala: "Yeah, that'd be weird!"

Why is it "weird" to marry your friend? We feel like falling in love as a mystery that pulls us in, over which we have no control. We don't know the other, we just get lucky. But this is not such a mystery -- it is selfish -- we really fall in love with our own fantasy that we attach to the other, which cannot happen to someone we already know well.

On the other hand, enduring love is not based on a fantasy, but rather on reality. Emotionally mature people fall in love as well, but not with a fantasy, they instead come to know their partner in a very intimate and real way. They learn to love both heart and soul, both body and spirit. We truly love the other with knowledge of who they are -- it's about our mate.

Many couples remain together without expecting to be in love. They just keep each other company, as if knowing and loving are mutually exclusive. Tevye asks his wife in Fiddler on the Roof if she loves him after 25 years of marriage. She tells him about all the years she has cooked his meals, cleaned up his messes and so forth, and then asks, "If that isn't love, what is?" But that's not what he wanted to know; he wanted to know if she felt it, not just doing her duty. She did. They were not only lovers, but friends in every sense of the word. Falling in love with someone we really know, respect, and admire is truly being lucky. The difference is night and day: mystery is selfish, but true love is selfless; it's not about my spouse fitting into my fantasy, but rather me loving her as she really is.

Lucky to be in love
After being thrown suddenly into the singles world again at the ripe age of 48 I was aghast at the possibilities. I felt like I was on a very high rope bridge with no side rails. I couldn't even see the bottom. I really wanted to be married, but I needed guidance in how to go about finding a mate. I didn't want to repeat my previous experience, and didn't know if I could trust my heart. On the one hand, I was still an emotional child and desired the fantasy, but on the other I had grown enough to know that I didn't want a child to take care of. Most of the women I met were also in the fantasy, looking for mystery, and trying to be mysterious; they didn't want to be known, just taken care-of.

I went on a date to a dance with an older woman who had never been married, whom I had known for awhile. She was very nice, but there was no "chemistry." I also signed up on an internet dating site, just to see what kind of women I would meet. I was asked-out by women I had known long enough to know I didn't want a marriage relationship. It was very difficult because I didn't really know what I was looking for.

Luckily there was a beautiful, mature woman whom I had known for almost thirty years. She was my friend, actually the only friend I had left in the world that I could confide in. I told her about my dilemma, and she was sympathetic. She had recently lost her husband to cancer and was in the same position so she knew what I was going through. I told her about the prospects I encountered, the dates I went on, and the internet site. Secretly, I wondered if the two of us could be married, but the logistics seemed overwhelming. Besides, she was my friend, not a lover, there was no "mystery."

One evening while I was at her house we had a very relaxing and enjoyable time talking for hours. We had the same ideals, goals, and opinions, but more than that, I admired her spiritual insights, wisdom and experience. Then, as I was going home it hit me: I wanted someone like her! Finally I could see clearly what I was looking for. I was no longer on an unstable bridge without rails. Now I was on a clearly-defined road. I knew what I wanted, and, more importantly, what I didn't want. I sent her an email with the good news: I had so much respect for her that I was going to look for a woman like her to marry!

Meanwhile, she was trying to get me to notice her. Someone suggested a raincoat, but that wouldn't have worked -- I would have freaked-out! Too weird! She actually brought up the possibility of us getting together a couple of times, but I couldn't see it. Then, we were on vacation together, riding snowmobiles and it occurred to me that we were having so much fun; I really enjoyed my time with her. For the first time I considered being with her. I thought about how good it would be if we could be together all the time. There was still some weirdness in the thought of marriage, but having her around seemed like a really good idea. Why should I go out looking for someone like her when I could have her? I already loved her, and had the greatest respect for her -- she was my best friend. We talked about it, and got married.

It wasn't until after we were married that I truly fell in love with her. This change of feelings is no mystery, and there is no fantasy. I feel so lucky to be in love with my best friend. I understand now that love doesn't have to die. Mystery dies with the fantasy, but true love is forever. It's all real. I love her heart. I love her soul. I love her body. I love her mind. I love her spirit. I love who she is. I admire her strengths. I love her weaknesses (because she asks me for help, and I love any opportunity to serve her). There is nothing she could or would do to make me lose the love I have for her -- I know her, inside and out. There is no fantasy. There are no skeletons. There is no hidden agenda. There is no mystery -- just love.  That's how we "make love stay."