A Mighty Change of Heart

Years ago I read a story by a man who had business problems, he was so stressed that he couldn't sleep so he stayed up and prayed about his difficulties, one at a time. He came to know the Lord through these early morning meetings as together they worked out his problems, and his business grew.

The Spirit of the Lord has been talking to me for months, telling me to "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings," (Alma 37:37) but I didn't listen. Things got worse, and worse, and worse. I'm pulling my hair out, I'm hating life, I want to quit, I want to leave, I'm going to take a job somewhere else. I'm firing employees, I'm alienating patients and staff because I'm so stressed! I want it to fail so I can leave and just get a real job. The Lord put a book in my hands, God Owns My Business, by Stanley Tan. I read the whole thing a few months ago, but didn't get it. I was blind.

I woke up this morning and the Spirit spoke again, "Counsel with the Lord in all thy doings, and he will direct thee for good," (Alma 37:37) and I got it! Suddenly, I understood. It's so simple. It's so easy!

All these years of failure have finally taught me what I needed to know. I needed to know that I was unable to do this alone. I needed to know that it's the Lord that "giveth to all men liberally" and not through my own efforts. I gave all my efforts, but they were in vain! If the business had grown, I would have been proud of my work, and not given the Lord the credit. I would have thought the Lord "helped" here and there, but that it was my work, intellect, thoughts, and innovations that made the difference. I would have been unable to see His hand. 

Pride

Twelve years ago I left the safety and comfort of a good job at the County Clinics because of my pride -- I wanted to do things my way. I have tried for all these years and never could make the business side work. It never got good. I have started four new practices, and I have bought two. They were doing well when I bought them, but I couldn't make them work for me. If I wasn't oblivious, which I was most of the time, then I was frustrated. I tried, and tried, and tried. I thought, and thought, and thought. I cursed, and vented, and paced. I worried, and worried, and became consumed by money -- I just couldn't get the business to make enough.

Pride is so insidious, so underhanded, so blind. I could not see my own weakness when it was thrust in front of me. I would cry, pout, hate life, yell, be grumpy, pray for help, but no help came. I was locked into a jail cell by my own pride with no way out! My pride kept pushing me to do something I couldn't do, but didn't know it. The Spirit whispered to me, "Let me help you..." but I would say, "Wait, I think I can figure this out!" I'll buy another business book, I'll fire some one, I'll get a new doctor, I'll change the pay structure, and so forth. I have made so many changes the staff doesn't know what to do.

The Spirit kept on me, "Just pray." I started praying, but not to turn it over to the Lord, I prayed general, "Help me, I'm drowning!" prayers. I was going to figure it out. I'm smart. I'm good. I should be able to do this! I just need a little help. Pride. My practice has always been to figure everything out myself, and ask God for help with the things I couldn't.

When Charly was three I began to cook dinner one evening and she wanted to help. We pulled a chair up to the counter, she stood on it and I helped her cut some of the vegetables. Three or four cuts and she lost interest, then she wanted to stir the pan so I let her do that. I finished cooking and put the food on the table. Everyone came to eat, and as we were all sitting down Charly walked to the table, puffed-out her chest and exclaimed, "I cooked dinner!"

This is how I have lived my life. The Lord does all the work, and I do a few things and take all the glory. I built a house, and continue to marvel that I built it. I acknowledge the hand of the Lord in helping out a few times when I got into trouble -- He sent a carpenter when I didn't know how to do the trusses, and got us the money when we didn't have enough to get the drywall done, and so forth. But, I built it! My pride was much bigger than I thought. I was blind to the fact that I can do NOTHING without Him, that I am completely impotent! In reality, He does all the work, and I pound a few nails and "insert tab 'B' into slot 'A'."

"Thus saith the Lord unto my peopleyou have many things to do and to repent of; for behold, your sins have come up unto me, and are not pardoned, because you seek to counsel in your own ways." (D&C 56:14)

 

Repentance

I knew all of this in my head. I have known it for years. I have taught lessons, and given talks. What I understood in my head, did not reach my heart. But now I understand in my heart. I know. I know for sure that I'm not the one who made the difference, that I didn't build anything, that it didn't come about because of my intelligence or work. It is all His work. I only carried it out.

 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

The "mighty change of heart" is not willed, it is a gift given by the Holy Ghost. Even repentance is impossible without His help. The information was all there in front of me, in my head, memorized and memorialized, but I couldn't even see it. I didn't know how to apply the simplest principles to myself, to my own situation. The heart had to be changed first. I am so grateful to Jesus Christ for the gift of repentance! He has shown me the way. He has given me grace, more than I deserve.

"I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak..." (Alma 26:12)

I have had enough experience to know that I cannot run a business. I now know that I am nothing. I know I'm weak. I know for a fact that if anything comes of my life it isn't because of my prowess or intelligence, but rather because of His mercy and grace. I know nothing. I am nothing. I have nothing. I can do nothing without Him. Right now I feel like this is the most important information I could ever know!

The fruits

I'm making Him my partner in the business -- the SENIOR partner. I will do nothing without His consent. I will counsel with Him on everything, everything! Who to hire, who to fire, where to use people, how to help them, scheduling patients, making the program, buying supplies, selling prices, and so forth. He is in charge. It's His business. I will carry-out His commands. Thus I will learn to work with the Lord. He is so wonderful! I love the Lord!

"The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the arm of flesh, But that every man might speak in the name of God the Lord, even the Savior of the world." (D&C 1:19-20)

I will no longer be "tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine!" (Ephesians 4:14) I can be strong because I will build my house on a Rock. "...It is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation..." (Helaman 5:12) If I am standing on a Rock, then I can be solid. If the Lord sends me to do something, then I can absolutely do it without qualms or misgivings. If He tells me to let go of some one, I can do it gracefully and firmly. If He tells me to go somewhere or buy something I will do it. Nothing can stop the word of the Lord. I am only a conduit, and one who is carrying-out His will. He knows all things. He knows the end from the beginning. He runs the place, I just bring about His orders. It's not my business, it's His.

Life is fun again! I'm so excited about my new adventure! I needed a partner, and what better partner to have than God? I have tried to hire them in the past, but this is the best! What a huge load taken off of my shoulders! I feel light. I feel great! I know I'm able to do what He says because His word is law. I don't need to worry. I have no fear. I just do as He says and He teaches me the way. We work together on everything! Wow! I know that as I work with Him that I will come to know Him in a very different way than I have in the past. I love Him.

Who would have thought that a business venture could bring about such a mighty change of heart?

Easy to be entreated

I went to Utah a few weeks ago and we stayed in a campground cabin. That night Alex and I went for a walk. We walked side-by-side, but I was following. He had a route he wanted to take around the campground so I followed him as we walked and talked. It was so enjoyable. At times I would push in a direction, and he would just point the way he had in mind. I didn't really care where we walked, I just wanted to be with him and hear about his life. I mostly asked questions and listened to him. He's very intelligent.

In order to follow while walking side-by-side one must be more vigilant of the position of the other person. If he wants to turn towards you, and you don't move in that direction you will bump into each other, whereas if he wants to turn the other way and you don't follow you will get farther apart and disrupt the conversation. Simple.

I think when we "follow Christ" it is more like He is leading in a way that we walk beside Him. We have to be ever vigilant of where He is and stay close to Him. We may try to veer off the path, but either we bump into Him or move away from Him. His way is straight, for God "cannot walk in crooked paths; neither doth he vary from that which he hath said; neither hath he a shadow of turning from the right to the left, or from that which is right to that which is wrong; therefore, his course is one eternal round." (Alma 7:20)

Off the path

If we go off of the path and move away from Him it is because we have taken our focus off of Christ. Peter had the faith to jump out of the boat into the deep and boisterous water, but saw the waves and took his sight off of Jesus and started to sink. Taking our focus off of Christ will make us go astray.

Eddy Hughes once told me, "If you feel far from God, who moved?" The Lord does not veer off of the path -- ever. When we stray, He sends others out to get us -- angels who go out into the darkness "to warn, expound, exhort, and teach, and invite all to come unto Christ." (D&C 20:59) They bring us back onto the path where we may do as Jesus said, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:24-25)

Humility

Following Jesus as we walk beside Him on our life's journey is an act of humility. It is letting go of what we want, and doing has He does. This is what is meant by, "easy to be entreated." We aren't forced on the path. We aren't dragged or even held in any way. If we hold hands, it is because we take His hand. It must be pure love that keeps us beside Him. We use our agency to decide to stay with Him, looking straight down the path with our minds eye on Him, knowing where He is at all times, keeping close so there can be constant communication, both physical and verbal. The following scripture exemplifies this concept perfectly:

And now I would that ye should be humble, and be submissive and gentle; easy to be entreated; full of patience and long-suffering; being temperate in all things; being diligent in keeping the commandments of God at all times; asking for whatsoever things ye stand in need, both spiritual and temporal; always returning thanks unto God for whatsoever things ye do receive. (Alma 7:23)

Conversation

The conversation from our end is given: "give thanks." Also, we "are commanded in all things to ask of God, who giveth liberally." (D&C 46:7)

If, as we're walking beside the Lord, we also listen to Him, He will not only guide us on the straight and narrow path to happiness, but also teach us things about His life. The conversation is mostly one-sided because He has all knowledge and wisdom. We mostly ask questions and listen for the answer. We learn from Him; we don't teach Him. We don't need to tell him about our life, instead we seek His wisdom.

Wherefore, brethren, seek not to counsel the Lord, but to take counsel from his hand. For behold, ye yourselves know that he counseleth in wisdom, and in justice, and in great mercy, over all his works. (Jacob 4:10)

We ask, listen, and give thanks -- what a great conversation!

Endure to the end

And now, my beloved brethren, after ye have gotten into this strait and narrow path, I would ask if all is done? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for ye have not come thus far save it were by the word of Christ with unshaken faith in him, relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save.
Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life. (2 Nephi 31:19-20)

The Tongue of Angels

I was sitting in a seminary class, just listening to the teachers and students. The students were all over the map, some were listening intently, trying to learn, while others were actually belligerent, not wanting to be there at all -- obviously. The latter group used the words "boring," "waste-of-time," and "not interested." They are only there because their parents think it will be good for them. It was clear they didn't get it, and there was no way they were going to learn anything -- or allow anyone else to learn. They understood nothing. It was like the teachers were up there teaching in a foreign language.

A person once asked Spencer W. Kimball what he did in a boring Sacrament meeting. He thought for a minute and said, "I don't recall ever attending a boring Sacrament meeting." I have often reflected on that notion of church, or religious instruction, being boring. My children told me they didn't want to go to church because it was "boring;" as if it were a foreign language to them.

Last week I was with my son, Alex, in Utah. We went to the Church History Museum and saw all the memorabilia and art that have so much meaning. These are the things that represent the heart of the restoration of the Gospel: love, service, sacrifice, the light breaking forth over the earth as people who understand take it to the rest of the world. It is very moving to those who understand what it means. However, to Alex it meant nothing. He rolled his eyes when I tried to explain why an artist would depict Christ in America, or Joseph Smith in a grove of trees with God and Jesus Christ standing over him. He was bored. He understood none of it; it was like a foreign language to him.

Who wouldn't want to know truth? Why wouldn't someone want to know reality? What makes people want to live in a fantasy world? Why wouldn't everyone want to know about peace, love, mercy, happiness, grace, faith, power, might, kingdoms, creation, the purpose of life, the war in Heaven, and never-ending growth? Where is the disconnect? What are the children (and adults) not understanding? I think those who view religious instruction as "boring" are really not being taught right. They are hearing the instruction in a language that is not familiar to them.

A new language

As I was sitting there in the seminary class, I realized that the language of the Spirit is a foreign language to some of those students. In a sense, the teachers were teaching the class in a tongue not recognized by the students, and they have no way of understanding it. I should think if I were in a Russian literature class taught only in Russian I would be bored to tears. Russian literature is fascinating and rich in philosophy and human nature, which I love, but if I couldn't understand it would mean nothing to me. There would be nothing to occupy my mind in the class so I would have to do something else, fidgeting, playing on my phone, and so forth. I think the difference between the children is that those interested in the material know the language of the Spirit, while those who were "bored" didn't. This is why Spencer W. Kimball could never be bored in a Sacrament Meeting -- he understood the Tongue of Angels.

Heidi, one of the students in the class, was a little frustrated that the other students were so disruptive. She came to learn. She is looking to be spiritually fed. She understands the language. She wants instruction. In fact, she is also frustrated by the teachers, who are only slightly conversant in the language of the Spirit. It's like she is in the Russian Literature class, but she's the only one fluent in Russian. Though the teachers know facts, they are halting in getting their message across. Heidi is from Utah, where the seminary teachers know the language of the Spirit, and are able to teach it to others.

I think there is a difference between children who grow up in Utah, where the Tongue of Angels is spoken regularly. It's like a language immersion program. I had a polyglot roommate who spoke five languages because he grew up in Holland, where those languages were spoken all around him. He just picked them up as he grew up without any effort put forth to learn them. He didn't take classes in languages, until later, but by then he had a good understanding of the language. People in Utah, or those who grow up in homes where the language of prophecy is spoken, have a great advantage over those who grow up in the "mission field" where they must learn by rote through great effort.

The language of the Spirit, the tongue of angels, or the words of the prophets is a language all its own. While we use English, Russian, German, or Chinese words to convey the language, it is on a dimensional level completely separate from the words themselves. Dictionaries will only show the very basic concept of a word, and not be able to give the meaning in full. This meaning is only conveyed by the Spirit, and cannot be given to another. For example, the word "faith" has a dictionary meaning given by the Apostle Paul in Hebrews 11:1: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." However, this doesn't convey the meaning of the word. Joseph Smith touched on the meaning of faith in a series of lectures given in the School of the Prophets, the Lectures on Faith. But, even here, where future prophets are learning the Tongue of Angels, the full meaning is not given, for it can only be conveyed by the Spirit of God over time, by experience, and by the will of the Lord.

Teachers

There are many instances were people see, hear and understand in the Language of the Spirit, and are unable to convey that to others. There were three Nephites in the Book of Mormon who were promised to stay on the Earth until Christ comes, and were shown many things that they couldn't even tell anyone else. "And behold, the heavens were opened, and they were caught up into heaven, and saw and heard unspeakable things. And it was forbidden them that they should utter; neither was it given unto them power that they could utter the things which they saw and heard." (3 Nephi 28:13-14)

Others, however, are given power to teach the things of God in such a way that people can understand. Nephi was hated by the Gadianton robbers because "...he had greater power than they, for it were not possible that they could disbelieve his words, for so great was his faith on the Lord Jesus Christ that angels did minister unto him daily." (3 Nephi 7:18) To "minister" is to teach. Nephi was taught daily in the Tongue of Angels, by the angels themselves. The Sons of Mosiah also had this power, and Mormon tells us how they got it. "...they had given themselves to much prayer, and fasting; therefore they had the spirit of prophecy, and the spirit of revelation, and when they taught, they taught with power and authority of God." (Alma 17:3)

It is essential that a Gospel instructor, whether it is a seminary teacher or a parent, learn the Language of the Spirit. Jesus told His disciples in modern days, "...if ye receive not the Spirit ye shall not teach." (D&C 42:14) This is a commandment, as well as a statement of truth. Without the Spirit there is no way anyone can understand the things of God. Nephi explains, "...when a man speaketh by the power of the Holy Ghost the power of the Holy Ghost carrieth it unto the hearts of the children of men." (2 Nephi 33:1) The Tongue of Angels, the Language of the Spirit, or the Words of the Prophets are not understood in the mind, by words only, but rather in the heart, and by experience. The teacher speaking the words doesn't teach, the Holy Ghost does, or else there is no instruction, and the students will be bored.

 

Students

The other half of the equation is the willingness of the student to learn. Some people just aren't interested in knowledge and wisdom; they prefer to live in their own fantasies. If a person isn't interested in learning something it cannot be forced. I have seen this multiple times with my fellow "scientists" and intellectuals who judge the Book of Mormon to be untrue without ever having read it. The difference between a Christian and an atheist is the atheist is closed to new ideas, whereas a Christian is open to every source of knowledge, wisdom and truth. Those who do not believe shut out the Spirit of God. Without the ability to receive the Spirit, the student will remain ignorant in spite of understanding the meaning of each word spoken because meaning is not found in the words themselves.

Some are so hardened they want to avoid any mention of truth so they do not tolerate any Gospel instruction. The Gadianton Robbers, as noted above, tried to kill Nephi to silence him because it was "not possible that they could disbelieve his words." Thus, teachers of truth are often harassed, tortured, and killed for their testimony. Those who know in their hearts aren't ignorant, they want to avoid the truth so they don't just let it be, they must shut it up.

Language immersion

Like learning any foreign language, the best way to learn the Tongue of Angels is by immersion. Elder Bednar gave a wonderful talk about the value of Gospel immersion that we call "the pickle talk." http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/ye-must-be-born-again?lang=eng In it he describes how being "Born again" requires complete immersion, like making a cucumber into a pickle. An important part of this immersion is in the language of the Spirit. Joseph Smith was commanded "let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly" (D&C 121:45) indicating one way to immerse yourself -- your thoughts. Another is given by Nephi, "feast upon the words of Christ." (2 Nephi 32:3) To "Feast" is to take in a lot. Because it gives us access to truth, knowledge and wisdom, this is the most important "Foreign language" we could every learn. I think if both the teachers and students were to learn the Tongue of Angels, then Gospel instruction would never be boring, students would be polite and reverent -- and seminary would be the most desired class of the day!

What have I become?

I woke up this morning with something in my head that has been bugging me for a couple of days. The other day a woman called in distress about a lab that I ordered and told her that her insurance would cover it. She feels that I should pay for it because the insurance didn't. I freaked. I yelled at her that she was being outrageous. She hung up on me, very angry. I'm not like that. I don't do that. I always try to help people as much as I can. I had the means to help her, but I didn't, I just got angry. This is not like me. What has happened to me? What have I become?

That same afternoon I had a patient call who wanted to pay less for the IV treatments. I took a hard line and said, "no." She was disappointed. I didn't work with her at all. I'm not usually like that. I would usually work with people who ask for help.

This is not an isolated day, I have been making a lot of enemies over money. The landlord from our previous building is angry with me because I got mad and moved out instead of negotiating to stay. Then I sent a bunch of threatening emails to get him to pay the deposit back, accusing him of stealing. I never used to do that!

It was always easy for me to "Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison." (Matthew 5:25) I have become so stressed lately over money that I've lost my humanity and benevolence. I wasn't like this before.

Oblivion
I was not stressed before because I was able to be oblivious to all of these things. I had a wife with a good income so I didn't have the pressure of supporting a family. If I didn't make enough, it was OK. I really had no stress. I worked 30 hours per week, and just took home whatever money I happened to make, and we lived on that plus her income. I had no cares. When I didn't like the previous nursing home job, I just quit. No worries.

I came to Santa Ynez with a good job at the County Health Clinics, but I got tired of working there after a few years so I left there and opened an urgent care center with a partner. That didn't work out well so I opened my own office. My wife took care of insurance billing, and when she stopped doing it, I just quit taking insurance. That was never profitable so I moved to another office. I never got stressed, I just assumed everything would work out. I was in the business of helping people and didn't make much money.

I didn't have any stress because I was oblivious, or ignorant of the responsibility on my shoulders. I was going through life like a child. I didn't really have to support my wife and children, at least they were not totally dependent on me. I didn't have to do anything, really. She took care of the books and finances, and I just did what I liked.

Burdened
My life has changed significantly. Because I have a lot of people dependent on me for support, with nobody to share the burden, I have started to work for money instead of working for people. I live in fear of losing all my money, and my business has become my life. I have tried to pay all the bills, but I don't have enough money to do it all. Moreover, I have been working all day, every day, with no time off, at least in my head. I get no exercise. I don't eat meals regularly. When I'm not actually at work, I'm thinking about it in my head.

I'm trying to make the business work to pay the bills. It's hard. In the last few years we have been able to pay all our bills for only a few months, mostly we are going into debt so my income goes to pay it. Then, I have no income to pay my bills at home. We maxed-out all of our credit cards and can no longer get loans. We're really in financial straits, even though the practice is busy.

Combine this with the fact that this is not my strong suit. I'm not good at managing the business so it takes me a long time to make decisions. I need to think about things for awhile until I get a good idea of how things should go -- and even then I get it wrong very often. Also, I have all the drama from the staff, training, meetings, whining, and fighting amongst each other -- it's so hard! But I still have to do all the work. Money only comes in when I see patients. All the income depends on me! It's all on my shoulders. I don't have the cash flow to hire some one to run the business -- it's a Catch-22! I'm so stressed.

Then, I have lots of burdens thrust on me, and nobody to share them with. I feel the weight of responsibility. The stress brings me to the breaking point. I can't handle everything. I feel so burdened.

My business is a burden.
Work is a burden.
Writing articles is a burden.
My family is a burden.
Having an intermittent wife is a burden.
My church calling is a burden.
Paying taxes is a burden.
Cleaning is a burden.
Eating is a burden.
Sleep is a burden.
Shopping is a burden.
Paying tithing is a burden.
Prayer is a burden.
Reading the Scriptures is a burden.

Anything that takes any of my time or money feels like a huge burden to me.

Stress doesn't really cause any problems, it only brings out the weakness in a person. I'm seeing my weakness right now. I have become an ogre. I no longer care about people because I care too much about money. Jesus said, "No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon." (3 Nephi 13:24) I see that this is true for me! I am not a child of Christ, and have no interest in the kingdom of God, as King Benjamin explains:

And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—
But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.
For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? (Mosiah 4:16-19)

I have found that money, or mammon, is a terrible god to serve. It feels like being in bondage with no way out. It leads to alienation from others. It takes away love. It makes one focus on business instead of people. It makes otherwise good people become like Ebenezer Scrooge. In the classic A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens Mr. Scrooge tells Jacob Marley's ghost: "But you were always a good man of business, Jacob." Upon which the Ghost cried out in anguish:

Business! Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!

I have become like them. I suppose I always was, but until I was stressed enough I remained oblivious to it. I am different now; my focus has changed from helping people to making money. I serve the god of this world.

Faith
I have a serious need to repent. ...But how? I don't even know. I will apologize to the people I have alienated, but my problem is really that my heart isn't right. I need a change of heart. I need what those ghosts gave to Ebenezer Scrooge -- a mighty change of heart. I need to turn to the Lord, and bring my burdens, cast them at His feet. He is the one that gives us what we need. We are stewards over what He gives. We don't obtain by our own skills. It is His burden. I don't need to do less, or find relaxation and rest, I don't need a vacation, I need His strength.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) In other words, I am strengthened when I do all things through Christ. He can ease the burden, even as I continue to labor and do the same things, by changing my heart. This is what he did for Alma and his people:

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. (Mosiah 24:14)"

I work so hard. The load is so heavy. I need rest.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Temple
It's easy to just say it, but to do it is another issue. I need help. I need the Holy Ghost to guide me in this endeavor. I need to "learn of [Him]." I need a light to light the way. I need wisdom. I need direction. The insight into my sin and need to repent came from a visit to the Temple on Saturday. This is where I need to be -- at the Temple! That's the place to go to get my bearings, and set my course. I'm going to go every week so I can receive revelation, so my burdens can be lighter, and so I can gain the faith necessary to repent and "come unto Christ."

Temptation

As I was waiting for Heidi in seminary, I was praying for myself, my business, complaining to the Lord that it was hard, so hard, so very hard to live. Not that I have pain or any real problems, just that it's hard to be so blind, deaf, and ignorant. I want to know. I promised Him that I would do anything and everything He said -- no matter what!

I suddenly realized why it's so hard. The scripture came to mind, "Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him." (Matthew 4:11) I understood that we must go through temptation. We must do as Jesus did and resist temptation saying, "get thee hence, Satan!"

Sin
If we give in to temptation, the evil spirits who tempt us are fed. They are like cats, returning for more food and proliferating. They require us to feed them. They want us to be discouraged, hateful, prideful, hurtful, unkind, unforgiving, painful, hopeless, fearful, and tearful. They push us to give in to addictions so they can vicariously feel what they could not feel alone. They need us to feed their evil. If we do as they say, we feed them and they return for more. More will come hoping to feel a little, pushing us to do more, to go deeper into the sin until we are completely overcome by evil.

If we don't be constantly vigilant with everything -- our actions, words, even our thoughts, we can inadvertently invite evil into our lives. The more we give them, the more we are plagued by them. King Benjamin explained this concept to his people:

"But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish." (Mosiah 4:30)

Sin is giving in to the promptings of the evil spirits. They never tell you to do anything that the Lord wants you to do. They only lead you away from Him, as Mormon explains:

"But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him." (Moroni 7:17)

Thus, listening to and obeying those evil spirits always leads to sin, feeding them, and bringing more temptation -- and sin.

Power to overcome
However, along with the temptations, the Lord has given me what I need to overcome. I can testify that the words of Paul are true: "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." (1 Corinthians 10:13)

The "way to escape" is knowledge. Knowledge is power! If I don't know I'm being "played for a sucker" by evil spirits who want to use my body for their own enjoyment, and love to see me suffer, then I will be as "children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine..." (Ephesians 4:14) However, if I have knowledge of their scheme, if I know the game I can play it my way and win!

The rules:
1. Jesus always wins in the end. Whoever is on His team is a guaranteed winner!
2. The enemy cannot force us to do anything.
3. The enemy can use our own desires against us.
4. We can always repent.
5. Ignoring the enemy makes him go away.
6. Giving in to the enemy makes him stronger.
7. Evil moves us away from Christ (and salvation).
8. Good moves us towards Christ (and salvation).
9. Selfishness is always evil. (I want...)
10. Good is doing God's will. ("Thy will be done.")

The pattern is given by Jesus:
He was tempted of the devil in all things common to man.
In each case He said, "I will not..."
He said, "Get thee hence, Satan..."
Finding no satisfaction, Satan left.
Angels came and ministered to Jesus.

He said, "For I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me." (John 6:38) Seeking God's will, and not our own is the foundation and pinnacle of repentance. All good is the will of God. The word "God" and "good" are synonymous. God's will is always righteous. A righteous man is one who has given his will to God.

This is the pattern.

Personal Temptations
Recently, I have been bombarded more than ever. It's like the evil spirit that haunted me throughout my life is working overtime, and "Then goeth he, and taketh to him seven other spirits more wicked than himself; and they enter in, and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first." (Luke 11:26) I'm really having to struggle like never before with my weaknesses. "I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me." (2 Nephi 4:18) In order to repent I "will confess them and forsake them." (D&C 58:43) Knowing how temptation works, I am now completely aware of the evil spirits trying to lead me into sin, but only recently I have found there is always a way out:

Discouragement: I am told to give up, it's not worth it, you cannot win, you will fail, Karyn doesn't love you, nobody loves you, you are not worthy, you are a failure, all is lost, your business won't work, you are evil, even God can't save you, there is no God, and on and on they repeat these over and over. When I am weak from lack of sleep, hunger, overwork, or other stressor, I begin to believe them. I have fallen for this all my life. Now, I am just beginning to recognize it so I can stop it at the beginning and not spiral down into depression.

Filthy lucre: I am tempted to do whatever it takes to get money. Everyone is doing it, that's just the way it's done, you need the money to live, just lie a little and you will get a lot more, since everyone does it you won't get caught, they force you to lie by all their silly rules, you shouldn't have to pay taxes, you can get more money from insurance companies, you don't need to be above-board, you can pay people under-the-table, you must do it, there is no other way to get ahead, there are lots of ways to cheat to get more money. I have to be very careful to put all my finances in order and do everything right. Having a bookkeeper who will not fudge the numbers helps keep me in line.

Lusts of the flesh: I am told: it's OK just to look, she's like a pretty picture, she's not a person, she's an object you can use to find satisfaction, she wants it, she wants you so it's a good thing, she will appreciate you more than your wife, she really loves you. I am coming to the point where I recognize this as it is told to me, before it even becomes a thought of mine, and I can stop it immediately with, "I don't even want to go there!" changing my thoughts to something else. The other thing I do is purposely see each as a child of God, rather than an object. It was inspiration and a merciful Lord who changed my heart to be able to see deeper into the notion, following it to it's logical conclusion, saying, "I don't want that."

Pride: I am told that I should have what I want, my life is all about me, I am in control, I get what I want, I speak and others listen, I am important, I am intelligent, I am inherently good, others must bend to my will, they must see me as the leader -- wise, true, adept, sinless, infallible, and omniscient, I am the savior of others. This is very hard for me. These thoughts creep in unawares and I find them in my heart before I know what is happening because I feel that I'm so humble. The Lord has been merciful by giving me reminders of my fallibility. People are hurt by me, and I need to acknowledge my weakness, bringing me down into the depths of humility. Unfortunately, I need these frequently.

Word of Wisdom: I have found the laws of health are directly connected to having the Spirit of God. I really am tempted to abuse my body by eating things that taste good to me, but damage my health. I am especially tempted by sweet things. I love sweets. As a child I would take gum off the underside of desks and chew it, or scrape off hard candy that had melted into the sidewalk on a hot summer day and eat it. I would eat any bag, box, or carton of sweets until it was gone. It's hard to resist, even though every time I find afterwards, "It wasn't worth it." Though I have never gone there, I understand the feeling of bulimia: "Just get it out!" The change here is very gradual, with many stops and starts. I am better, but still fall prey to these temptations, though I rarely scrape candy off the ground anymore.

Righteousness
When we do not give in to evil spirits they don't get fed, and will move on and look for an easier target. Just like Jesus, after they have gone, the angels can come and minister to us. The angels can't come while the evil spirits are there. We must invite the angels by demanding the evil spirits leave. To "minister" is to give comfort, mostly through knowledge. Angels comfort us with knowledge of the love of God for us, the happiness that is ours if we do His will, the hope that is in Christ, the faith that all things are possible with Him, and the understanding of the plan God has for us. They always lead us to Christ.

"For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God." (Moroni 7:16)

First, however, we must resist temptation, push away the evil thoughts, words, and deeds, before we can have the angels come and minister to us. When the tempters are gone we may receive knowledge, love, wisdom, truth and understanding, leading us to hope, mercy, grace, and salvation through the Lord, Jesus Christ. But, remember: "ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith." (Ether 12:6)

Freedom comes from Agency

"I can do whatever I want, I have my free-agency..." my son tells me as he decides not to go to Church.
"You can't make me do anything!" My daughter joins in, "I'm not like you, I'll do it because you want me to, but it's not what I want."

I have taught them about "agency" or the freedom to choose. I have told them that they can do whatever they want, based on this gift given by God. How wrong I was!

While everyone may choose to do as they will, to seek out our own desires, this is not agency. Agency is not about choosing your favorite flavor of ice cream, or choosing a sports car versus an SUV. It is the ability to choose the right, to follow Christ. It is learning about the Lord, Jesus Christ, believing in Him, following Him into the waters of baptism, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and doing all things according to His will. The choice is only available to those who know and do His will. The rest have no choice, no agency, no freedom.

Freedom is the exercise of agency to choose good, requiring that one first acquire a knowledge of the truth. The more knowledge we gain, the greater our ability to choose. Without this knowledge we can only choose evil. Ignorance is not bliss, it prevents you from having agency, and thus, freedom.

Conscience
We are naturally ignorant of God so we must learn about Him in order to follow His will. This is why we are naturally evil, born in sin. King Benjamin explains: "For the natural man is an enemy to God..." (Mosiah 3:19) Our ignorance of the will of God leaves us with only one option: sin, except for a little bit of light we call "conscience."

Everyone born into this world has the beginning of agency, or "conscience" also known in the Scriptures as "the Light of Christ." He said, "And that I am the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the world." (D&C 93:2) Our conscience tells us what is right and what is wrong. This is an a-priori knowledge that everyone born into the world has. It is the only truth we are born with. Everyone can agree on justice. Everyone understands that it's wrong to hurt others. This is the beginning point of all knowledge. It is the only good we have, until we learn more about the will of God. Good is what God wants for us. It is His will. Evil is everything else, or whatever is not the will of God. Mormon tells us how to distinguish between the two.

"For behold, my brethren, it is given unto you to judge, that ye may know good from evil; and the way to judge is as plain, that ye may know with a perfect knowledge, as the daylight is from the dark night.
For behold, the Spirit of Christ [or conscience] is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.
But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil." (Moroni 7:15-17)

The Chains of Hell
People can lose even this small amount of agency by suppressing their conscience. The Apostle Paul speaks of those who desire to sin as "having their conscience seared with a hot iron." (1 Timothy 4:2) They no longer have any agency for they can no longer choose to do good; they have lost all connection with the light of Christ. Thus, they can only choose evil. This is what is meant by "the chains of Hell." It refers to those who have lost all agency because of complete ignorance.

Jacob, the brother of Nephi, speaks of those people that Satan "flattereth away, and telleth them there is no hell; and he saith unto them: I am no devil, for there is none—and thus he whispereth in their ears, until he grasps them with his awful chains, from whence there is no deliverance." (2 Nephi 28:22) The chains are ignorance. He tells them that he doesn't exist, keeping them ignorant, and preventing them from having a choice. They remain in bondage to sin because they also believe there is no God.

Heathen
There are so many, the large majority of men on the Earth, who do not know the Lord nor have a knowledge of truth. They die in ignorance of the laws of God, therefore have only their conscience to guide them. Yet, they will be redeemed, according to their obedience to the light they had, and it will be more tolerable for them because they cannot receive condemnation for that which they do not know. "And then shall the heathen nations be redeemed, and they that knew no law shall have part in the first resurrection; and it shall be tolerable for them." (D&C 45:54)

However, they must come to a knowledge of the Savior after this life, receive the ordinances, and be faithful in order to be received into the Kingdom of Heaven. This is why we have the ordinance of baptism by proxy for those who have died. Nobody escapes judgment. "That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father." (Philippians 2:10-11)

Unforgivable
You must choose God in order to be in His Kingdom with Him so you must have full knowledge in order to make this choice. With great knowledge comes great responsibility. "For of him unto whom much is given much is required; and he who sins against the greater light shall receive the greater condemnation." (D&C 82:3) Those who are fully-enlightened with all knowledge have complete agency to choose right or wrong, and if they choose wrong, they cannot be forgiven.

"The blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, which shall not be forgiven in the world nor out of the world, is in that ye commit murder wherein ye shed innocent blood, and assent unto my death, after ye have received my new and everlasting covenant, saith the Lord God; and he that abideth not this law can in nowise enter into my glory, but shall be damned, saith the Lord." (D&C 132:27)

In other words, when we have received the highest of ordinances on the Earth, and know the fullness of the goodness of the Lord, and turn against Him, we are using our agency against Him. We have all freedom to choose because we have knowledge and thus are bound by our decision and cannot be forgiven. Jesus gave the basis of forgiveness when he prayed, "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do." (Luke 23:34)

The end of agency
There are many others who have the light available to them, but choose not to pursue it. When people decide they have enough knowledge and they want no more, they stop. They cease to progress. They no longer follow the light, but rather wander around in darkness. All they know is all they know, and they believe it is enough. This is the end of their agency. These will no longer have agency, they cannot choose because they ignore the light.

If we have great knowledge and choose not to follow it, we lose the knowledge we have and become ignorant. "from him that hath not, even that he hath shall be taken away from him." (Luke 19:26) If one leaves the Church, he may lose his connection to the will of God and lose his agency. Ignorance is a loss of agency because without knowing the will of God you cannot choose to do His will. Thus, "It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance." (D&C 131:6) We cannot choose to do the will of God unless we know it, and we cannot know the will of God without the Holy Ghost. If we separate ourselves from the Holy Ghost, we lose agency -- and freedom.

Freedom
The other end of agency is freedom. It is knowing all things, as Jesus told His disciples, "Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free." (John 8:31-32) The more knowledge of the truth we have, the more freedom we enjoy.

We must know what our choices are in order to be enabled to make one. Salvation comes as fast as we gain knowledge. Agency is based on knowledge, specifically, the knowledge of Jesus Christ. We begin with our conscience, by being obedient to the Light of Christ we will be given more. As we exercise our agency in choosing the right we will continue to be given more of the word of God until we know all things.

"That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day." (D&C 50:24) The "perfect day" is when we have full agency. "Perfect" means "complete," or "whole." When we know everything we are complete, or perfect. We then have our full agency to choose all things. We have the knowledge to choose good and submit our will to God, or to choose evil and do anything else. This responsibility is tremendous because it either takes us to the highest Heaven, or the worst hell, depending on our choices.

Believing that the principle of agency is the freedom to do whatever we want is an insidious lie. Agency, like any other gift from God, must be developed, nurtured, and sought-after. Agency becomes freedom only as we are obedient to the light we have and seek more. Freedom only comes with knowledge of the truth and all that is good, "For there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord." (Omni 1:25) As we use our agency to choose good, we grow in freedom "until the perfect day!"