What have I become?

I woke up this morning with something in my head that has been bugging me for a couple of days. The other day a woman called in distress about a lab that I ordered and told her that her insurance would cover it. She feels that I should pay for it because the insurance didn't. I freaked. I yelled at her that she was being outrageous. She hung up on me, very angry. I'm not like that. I don't do that. I always try to help people as much as I can. I had the means to help her, but I didn't, I just got angry. This is not like me. What has happened to me? What have I become?

That same afternoon I had a patient call who wanted to pay less for the IV treatments. I took a hard line and said, "no." She was disappointed. I didn't work with her at all. I'm not usually like that. I would usually work with people who ask for help.

This is not an isolated day, I have been making a lot of enemies over money. The landlord from our previous building is angry with me because I got mad and moved out instead of negotiating to stay. Then I sent a bunch of threatening emails to get him to pay the deposit back, accusing him of stealing. I never used to do that!

It was always easy for me to "Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison." (Matthew 5:25) I have become so stressed lately over money that I've lost my humanity and benevolence. I wasn't like this before.

Oblivion
I was not stressed before because I was able to be oblivious to all of these things. I had a wife with a good income so I didn't have the pressure of supporting a family. If I didn't make enough, it was OK. I really had no stress. I worked 30 hours per week, and just took home whatever money I happened to make, and we lived on that plus her income. I had no cares. When I didn't like the previous nursing home job, I just quit. No worries.

I came to Santa Ynez with a good job at the County Health Clinics, but I got tired of working there after a few years so I left there and opened an urgent care center with a partner. That didn't work out well so I opened my own office. My wife took care of insurance billing, and when she stopped doing it, I just quit taking insurance. That was never profitable so I moved to another office. I never got stressed, I just assumed everything would work out. I was in the business of helping people and didn't make much money.

I didn't have any stress because I was oblivious, or ignorant of the responsibility on my shoulders. I was going through life like a child. I didn't really have to support my wife and children, at least they were not totally dependent on me. I didn't have to do anything, really. She took care of the books and finances, and I just did what I liked.

Burdened
My life has changed significantly. Because I have a lot of people dependent on me for support, with nobody to share the burden, I have started to work for money instead of working for people. I live in fear of losing all my money, and my business has become my life. I have tried to pay all the bills, but I don't have enough money to do it all. Moreover, I have been working all day, every day, with no time off, at least in my head. I get no exercise. I don't eat meals regularly. When I'm not actually at work, I'm thinking about it in my head.

I'm trying to make the business work to pay the bills. It's hard. In the last few years we have been able to pay all our bills for only a few months, mostly we are going into debt so my income goes to pay it. Then, I have no income to pay my bills at home. We maxed-out all of our credit cards and can no longer get loans. We're really in financial straits, even though the practice is busy.

Combine this with the fact that this is not my strong suit. I'm not good at managing the business so it takes me a long time to make decisions. I need to think about things for awhile until I get a good idea of how things should go -- and even then I get it wrong very often. Also, I have all the drama from the staff, training, meetings, whining, and fighting amongst each other -- it's so hard! But I still have to do all the work. Money only comes in when I see patients. All the income depends on me! It's all on my shoulders. I don't have the cash flow to hire some one to run the business -- it's a Catch-22! I'm so stressed.

Then, I have lots of burdens thrust on me, and nobody to share them with. I feel the weight of responsibility. The stress brings me to the breaking point. I can't handle everything. I feel so burdened.

My business is a burden.
Work is a burden.
Writing articles is a burden.
My family is a burden.
Having an intermittent wife is a burden.
My church calling is a burden.
Paying taxes is a burden.
Cleaning is a burden.
Eating is a burden.
Sleep is a burden.
Shopping is a burden.
Paying tithing is a burden.
Prayer is a burden.
Reading the Scriptures is a burden.

Anything that takes any of my time or money feels like a huge burden to me.

Stress doesn't really cause any problems, it only brings out the weakness in a person. I'm seeing my weakness right now. I have become an ogre. I no longer care about people because I care too much about money. Jesus said, "No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon." (3 Nephi 13:24) I see that this is true for me! I am not a child of Christ, and have no interest in the kingdom of God, as King Benjamin explains:

And also, ye yourselves will succor those that stand in need of your succor; ye will administer of your substance unto him that standeth in need; and ye will not suffer that the beggar putteth up his petition to you in vain, and turn him out to perish.
Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just—
But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God.
For behold, are we not all beggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind? (Mosiah 4:16-19)

I have found that money, or mammon, is a terrible god to serve. It feels like being in bondage with no way out. It leads to alienation from others. It takes away love. It makes one focus on business instead of people. It makes otherwise good people become like Ebenezer Scrooge. In the classic A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens Mr. Scrooge tells Jacob Marley's ghost: "But you were always a good man of business, Jacob." Upon which the Ghost cried out in anguish:

Business! Mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business; charity, mercy, forbearance, and benevolence, were all my business. The dealings of my trade were but a drop of water in the comprehensive ocean of my business!

I have become like them. I suppose I always was, but until I was stressed enough I remained oblivious to it. I am different now; my focus has changed from helping people to making money. I serve the god of this world.

Faith
I have a serious need to repent. ...But how? I don't even know. I will apologize to the people I have alienated, but my problem is really that my heart isn't right. I need a change of heart. I need what those ghosts gave to Ebenezer Scrooge -- a mighty change of heart. I need to turn to the Lord, and bring my burdens, cast them at His feet. He is the one that gives us what we need. We are stewards over what He gives. We don't obtain by our own skills. It is His burden. I don't need to do less, or find relaxation and rest, I don't need a vacation, I need His strength.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13) In other words, I am strengthened when I do all things through Christ. He can ease the burden, even as I continue to labor and do the same things, by changing my heart. This is what he did for Alma and his people:

"And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions. (Mosiah 24:14)"

I work so hard. The load is so heavy. I need rest.

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30)

Temple
It's easy to just say it, but to do it is another issue. I need help. I need the Holy Ghost to guide me in this endeavor. I need to "learn of [Him]." I need a light to light the way. I need wisdom. I need direction. The insight into my sin and need to repent came from a visit to the Temple on Saturday. This is where I need to be -- at the Temple! That's the place to go to get my bearings, and set my course. I'm going to go every week so I can receive revelation, so my burdens can be lighter, and so I can gain the faith necessary to repent and "come unto Christ."