Security and World Peace

Ethan is six years old. He has a few friends, but is very tied to his mother. He doesn't venture out, and needs a lot of encouragement. Emotionally, he is very insecure, needing constant reassurance that he is loved. His "love language" is primarily touch so he needs almost constant touching in order to feel loved, to feel secure, and to be able to learn.

Charles is 47 and keeps to himself. He cannot venture out and meet people. He has wanted to get married and have a family all of his life, but gets very anxious at the thought of dating.

After over twenty years of marriage, Shelley went to an online dating service and found a man with whom she had an affair. She subsequently left her husband and two children to live with her lover.

Groundhog Day has a boring plot, but is very compelling because we need to see if he gets the girl in the end. It seems that he will never be able to move on with his life until he figures-out the heart and finds love. All stories require a "love interest" where the guy gets the girl in the end. This is what makes a story interesting.

To feel loved is an essential part of human existence. It is the motivating force for all that is good. It is the "why" of life, growth, effort, and improvement. It is the connection we have with others, and with God.

If this is true, "why can't we all just get along?" (Rodney King) The reason we "argue, fuss and fight" is because of insecurity.

 

Guilt

Berne Brown is a sociologist who studied guilt and shame. She has written several books on the subject, stating that in interviewing thousands of people from all walks of life, the one common feeling we all share is shame. Nobody in the whole world gets away from this. Christians call this concept "original sin," which brings guilt to every soul.

Guilt makes us feel unworthy of love. We feel disconnected, lost and alone. We have people all around us, but we are connected to none. There is a continuum of guilt, those who feel it the most are the most disconnected, or sociopathic personality types, and the most connected are the most loving and giving. These have no more guilt or shame. They are secure. They can love. Most of us are in-between somewhere.

Insecurity

Being disconnected and knowing that there is no way to make a connection, we all experience feelings of insecurity. This comes from a fear that we are not worthy of love and cannot make the connection we need so desperately. When any person is insecure in a relationship, it is hard to feel loved.

Shelley moved in with her boyfriend and no longer had a commitment so she had no expectation of a deep connection. The nature of this relationship is to "scratch each other's backs." This allows the couple to get along easily. A commitment changes the nature of the relationship and brings expectation which brings out insecurity. Thus, there is a trend as people are more insecure, to live together instead of getting married. "They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone." (Billy Joel)

 

Marriage

As a child, I listened to my parents argue over the most inane things. I wondered why they would get so hot and loud over such insignificant points arguing for what seemed like hours over something that was said. When I was much older, I realized that their arguments weren't about the thing they were discussing, they were always arguing a single point: "You're supposed to love me, but you don't; I don't feel it."

There is an expectation of all people in all societies of making a connection in marriage. Some teach that it is automatic. When I was married the first time, I expected that my wife would come to love me and I would feel loved. I didn't, so I waited for it to just happen. I blamed her for my lack of love. However, the problem wasn't in her, it was that I didn't feel lovable.

The support we give each other in marriage is reassurance of love. Some need constant reassurance, while others need less. I didn't feel loved because my wife didn't speak my love language. She couldn't reassure me. So, to me marriage was like an endurance race. I would run, hoping to get the prize, but it was a long, long run. I would have to grit my teeth and bear all of the trials, pain, and exhaustion, and just keep running. I would never give up. She did, and I'm grateful.

By gritting my teeth and waiting until I felt loved by her, I was entirely missing the point of marriage. I wasn't doing what was necessary to feel lovable so I couldn't feel loved. Needless to say, we never connected with the heart.

Love languages

One way to help another to feel loved is to speak their language. The Five Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman, explains how people feel loved when they are told in their own language. If you tell me you love me in Farsi it will have less meaning than German, which will have less meaning than French, which will have less than Spanish, which will have less than English. I may know what you are saying in each, but in order to understand in my heart you have to speak my primary language.

The great thing about having this knowledge is that it allows us to consciously go out of our way to learn another language in order to tell our loved-one how much we care. Just learning how to speak to her understanding is an act of love.

 

Bottomless

However, just knowing and speaking the language of another is not enough. It will only give a superficial love of continual reassurance.

My first wife called me a "bottomless pit" -- in need of constant reassurance, and refused to speak my language. I was afraid she might not want to tell me she loved me, and would avoid her. This made her feel that I didn't love her. I spoke every other love language to her, except the one she needed. Each of us was holding-out, waiting for the other to make the first move. Neither would give in and take the risk because neither felt secure.

Guilt and shame makes us feel that we aren't lovable, needing constant reassurance. As long as we are insecure in our own sense of feeling loved, there is no end to this. Like children we run around trying to find love to fill our needs not knowing that these people are in the same position. We're all bottomless pits.

Parenthood

My current wife of three years has nine children who are all very intelligent intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally. I suddenly took on six more daughters. I love each one of them. My only daughter from my first wife, Charlotte, frequently reminds me that she is my "only little gril." She doesn't want the other six girls, my step-daughters, to horn in on her territory. My expressions of love to her are not enough to make her feel secure.

Freudian psychiatrists like to blame parents for our feelings of insecurity. We sometimes even get angry at our parents because they didn't love us, or, rather, because we didn't feel loved by them. While some parents are obviously more loving than others, this feeling has more to do with our own insecurities, than it does our parent's actions.

Some children imagine they are loved, and build a whole "Pipi Longstocking" image of their father loving them. Others can make a very loving parent into an ogre. The need is not in the parent nearly as much as it is in the child. Children are born in sin, and feel insecure, some more than others. A change of heart must come to each and all in the same way.

Forgiveness

In order to feel love in our hearts, we must be secure in the knowledge that we are worthy of it. Though Berne Brown brought out the problem of shame nicely, she had no good solution to it. The concept is not new. A book written in the 1970's called I'm OK, You're OK brought out the same issues, with the same conclusions: if you just feel more secure, you will be able to love your spouse, children, and those around you. While this is true, we cannot just will a change. In reality, we cannot feel secure, safe, and loving without a change of heart that comes only from God.

This change comes in the same way to all people at all times based on specific principles:
1. Faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ
2. Repentance
There is no other way. There never has been. A heart doesn't change without turning to God -- ever. We can pretend all we want, and change our thoughts, words, and deeds, but the heart continues to carry the guilt until we are "washed clean in the blood of the Lamb."

Love

The cleansing power leaves us free to love. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He didn't hesitate:

Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.
This is the first and great commandment.
And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.
On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
(Matthew 22:37-40)

We cannot keep this commandment without the gift of the Holy Ghost to cleanse us from all iniquity. In order to receive the Holy Ghost, we must repent, as noted above, but also we must perform the ordinances that are the tokens of our commitment to God.

As in marriage, the essential difference of making the covenant changes the nature of the relationship, the ordinance of baptism changes our relationship to God. We become people of the covenant with expectations to serve Him at all times. With this comes a "remission" of sins.

The word "remission" has the connotation of the sins still being there, but they are covered or hidden. We are clothed in the robe of Jesus Christ, taking upon ourselves His name. This allows us to be able to receive the Holy Ghost which can, in time, change our hearts.

The people of King Benjamin went through this process:
And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually... And we are willing to enter into a covenant with our God to do his will, and to be obedient to his commandments in all things that he shall command us, all the remainder of our days...
(Mosiah 5:2-5)

The peace that comes from being forgiven of all sin, being clean, having our sins remitted takes away all insecurities. We no longer have to deal with guilt, fear, shame, and worry. Love can flow freely from all around us, and we are free to give love to others. We will have more love to give because we are able to easily make real, heartfelt connections with others.

Joseph Smith said,
"Sectarian priests cry out concerning me, and ask, 'Why is it this babbler gains so many followers, and retains them?' I answer, It is because I possess the principle of love. All I can offer the world is a good heart and a good hand."
(Teachings of Joseph Smith, Chapter 24)

 

The heart

I would venture to guess that all interpersonal problems come from insecurity in the heart. Marriage will only superficially get better by speaking a different language. Children will not feel loved by giving them more stuff. Parents will not be more loving by being nicer. Until we plumb the depths of the heart, clear away the insecurities, and make it clean and whole there is no way to truly "love one another." This is why we can never have peace in the world without the Lord, Jesus Christ.

The answer for the problems of Ethan, Charles and Shelley all come from the same place. Peace starts with each individual being free to love. Insecurity must be overcome with a firm foundation. This can only come through Jesus Christ, by faith on His name, repentance of all our sins, baptism, and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost. If each person followed these steps we would all have security and world peace.