This is just as true of sexual indulgence. Our children are taught, if not at home then by society, that sexual indulgence is best in youth, that sex with strangers is better than a spouse, and that there is no need to be married. The problem with this teaching is that it only scratches the surface of what a real relationship can be. Sex, as taught by society is little more than mutual masturbation. It is using others for self-indulgence on an emotional level. The need to connect with others emotionally seems like it could be fulfilled in a sexual relationship, bypassing the actual relationship of the heart.
Society teaches many myths about sexual relations. Besides being supple and energetic in youth, we are also told more is better, and that different positions, partners and places bring more enjoyment or satisfaction. All that we are taught is the lowest level of selfishness, and can never come close to the truth. Sex is merely the token of marriage, the union of a man and a woman. The token is not the real thing, it is only a portion, or a shadow of what can be. The only achievement we get from the token is orgasm, which gets old, boring and unfulfilling. It feels good for a few seconds, but that's the end.
When I am hungry because I haven't eaten anything in several days, jelly beans may taste good, but they don't fill the need for food, nor are they satisfying. Changing to a different flavor of jelly bean still won't satisfy. Superficial sexual relationships are like jelly beans, we may briefly get sweet flavor, but we can't live on them. Our emotional needs are not filled at all, even though it seems like they should be because it feels good. Those who indulge in pictures or movies to feel stimulated also have such issues. They taste good, but don't satisfy. Moreover, those who live by indulging their tastes become weaker, and sickly. They cannot sustain it long, and lose the ability, or even the desire for sex.
Married or not, most people remain as dependent children trying to get their own needs filled by others, hoping, like a dope addict, that this next time will be real. Many give up hope, becoming depressed, or suffer with anxiety or become bitter about life, being angry all the time. They are like Mick Jagger who said, "I can't get no satisfaction [sic]." They continue to live without the hope of completion, fulfillment, or satisfaction.
Love
On the other hand, there are those few who are willing to make a sacrifice of their own heart. They learn to love, and develop trust with their spouse over time. They work hard to give instead of take. They pray for help from God to teach them love and trust.
What makes a great sexual relationship is love and trust that comes from experience. The real thing is the connection that we achieve as we become one from the heart. The human being is not complete as a single individual, a whole organism is a man and a woman together. We start out as individuals and gradually grow together emotionally to become one. This mystic unity is where this greatest experience of sex takes place. It is a gift of the heart that brings real satisfaction and fulfillment. Sex is the physical token of the unity of the heart, and when both are present, we are filled.
True love is unselfish. Our needs are less important when we look for the spiritual growth of our spouse. As we grow individually, we also grow closer together, eventually becoming one. This process is so difficult, it's like climbing Mount Everest. So few achieve it that almost nobody is aware of the possibility. Moreover, those who do become one generally don't write a book or go out and teach classes on how to do it. It is something very personal that only two can share with God. It is the creation of wholeness, a whole human being, a new birth.
This new life is like a child that is nurtured and grows continually. It is a whole new emotional and spiritual world, filled with wonder and excitement -- the world of love. It never gets old, and never dies. What people seek through changing partners, positions, and places can only truly be found in the realm of true love, freed from all selfish desires, wants, and needs. Paradoxically, this freedom can only come when we are a whole being, man and woman, bound to each other.
Teaching unity
Others may notice that a couple has a good relationship on the outside, but they never know what is on the inside. They can't see the heart, nor can they see the pains that the couple went through to bring this new life into the world. Because unity is so rare and so personal almost nobody is around to teach the children about it. Children may be told the steps, but they can't understand what they mean because they haven't experienced it so they most often go with what they know, which is indulgence.
A proper sex education must include an example of unity in marriage, as well as the steps to the greatest of all, not just the animal desires. This is ideally taught in the home, as parents have gone through the steps and have become one so the children have a good example. This is the best instruction of all. When children grow up with parents that are of one heart, they will come to know and expect that. Since most of us don't witness the world of completeness, we need to learn the hard way. It's like a language, if we grow up speaking English, then we grasp it easily, but when we don't we need to take specific steps to learn it -- with a lot of effort.
All improvement requires four steps:
- A good goal
- A true plan
- A real commitment
- An equal sacrifice
A Good Goal
Every couple can become one if they are willing to set a goal to do so. This is not automatic, it is consciously undertaken, and painstakingly achieved through continual effort. It's not just being compatible, it is a choice the two of them make. Most don't know it's possible so they can't make it a goal.
A True Plan
If I want to learn to play the piano, it would not be enough to buy a piano. I would need to make a true plan that includes instruction and practice. Likewise, there must be a plan laid out to achieve unity. This would, of course, begin with marriage. If our plan is to get married, and then do all that we can to fulfill the covenant of marriage, it is so much more than sex or having children. A plan to fulfill the covenant of marriage must include learning to love, and developing trust. These go together, but most have a backwards plan: you need to trust me. The real plan must be: what can I do every day to earn your trust? Trust develops over a long time of experience of being trustworthy. No lying. No cheating. No seeking selfish desires. Giving instead of taking. Sacrificing ourselves. Whatever includes these will be a true plan.
A Real Commitment
Since this is the highest achievement of mankind, becoming fully human, complete, and whole, it requires the greatest commitment of all. This is a do-or-die endeavor. It is 100% -- you must be ALL in or you won't reach it. A half-hearted effort to climb Mount Everest may lead to disaster, but will not be rewarded with success. This is why marriage is essential, ideally forever. Those who are sealed together in the House of the Lord extend their commitment beyond death, seeking a truly permanent union. I was explaining this to a friend many years ago and she said, "Why would I want to be with him forever?! It's hard enough just until death!" She didn't want unity with her husband, and wasn't willing to make a real commitment with her heart.
An Equal Sacrifice
The sacrifice must be equal to the desired goal. If we want everything, then we must sacrifice everything. The actual sacrifice we must make is our whole heart. Most expect our spouse to make a sacrifice before we are willing to do the same. This plan will never work. We must continually ask ourselves if our pride is more important than the relationship. Are we letting our own needs get in the way? Time allows us to change as we learn to give instead of taking.
"Be one"
Becoming one is worth all the effort we can muster. It is far more than worth giving up our selfish needs. It is a confinement like no other. It's more important than any work or accomplishment we can do. It's better than being a king, president, or ruler. It's more important than a prophet or seer. It's more fulfilling than wealth or riches of any kind. Indeed, it is the only truly human achievement -- it's how we become fully human. Unity is the greatest human experience of all -- becoming whole, complete, and fulfilled, the very definition of happiness!
Those who have not experienced the wonders of two hearts knit together in love can never understand how awesome it is. There is nothing like it in the world. It is Heaven in the highest degree. It is fully-satisfying, and rich, and wonderful. Best of all, it continues to grow and get better. It fills. It fulfills. It satisfies. ...and it lasts forever. There is nothing in the world to compare with unity. There is no comfort, no taste, no smell, no excitement, no power, nothing in the world even comes close. The greatest sex of all is sharing physical unity with the person who holds our heart forever; where two are so intertwined, even death cannot separate us, a true physical expression of how we feel in our hearts. Having a partner in love is more like a gourmet meal when we are hungry, truly filling the need, and bringing real satisfaction. And most importantly, everyone can get this satisfaction, if they are willing to make the effort.
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