I've lived a life of checking boxes. I find the most efficient way of doing things and always do it the same way. If I find a better way, I change so I'm always doing things right, according to my way of thinking. In every area of my life I have checked boxes.
Spiritually, I learned all I can from the writings of the prophets and did the best I could to do all the right things. Go to church. Check. Keep the commandments. Check. Pray. Check. Forgive everyone. Check. Get baptized. Check. Go to the Temple. Check. Get sealed. Check. My exaltation should be assured because I checked all the boxes.
In my marriage I read all I could about being a good husband so I could check all the boxes. Give her flowers. Check. Help around the house. Check. Pray together every night. Check. Give her gifts -- my own creations -- Jewelry boxes, a bed, her dream home, and so forth. Check. Take care of the children. Check. Date night. Check. We should have had a perfect marriage. It looked that way on the outside.
With my children I listened carefully to others, and avoided their mistakes, doing all the things they missed. Work less to be with them more. Check. Be the scoutmaster. Check. Take them places. Check. Cook meals for them. Check. Read books to them. Check. Read the Scriptures every morning. Check. Pray together. Check. Family Home Evening program every Monday. Check. I did everything right. My children should have been Gospel scholars by the age of twelve and General Authorities by their twenties. They should have advanced degrees and be emotionally secure, physically healthy, and in every way mature by the time they graduated from high school. I literally gave them a checklist of maturity in eight areas of life so they could check the boxes. It's all I knew to give them, the best I had.
Hypocrisy
However, I am a witness today that "the letter killeth." (2 Corinthians 3:6) I have killed everything I touched with the letter of the Law. "Ticking boxes," as the British say, is doing the outer portions of the rules, but not the things of the heart. I have neglected the "weightier matters" even as I did everything right. I am as the Pharisees upon whom the Lord pronounced a woe, "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone." (Matthew 23:23) Hypocrisy is doing the outward signs, but leaving the heart out. Woe is me!
Hypocrisy is found in doing things right. If I have a list in my mind of what a "righteous man" is and go down the list, checking all the boxes, then I can define myself as a righteous man. Others on the outside looking at me would also say, "there goes a righteous man" because everything is in place. Yet, I can easily "suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by [me], and notice them not." (Mormon 8:39) If I don't see the needs of others, I have no box to check and can still define myself as a "righteous man."
Hypocrisy is also found in efficiency. I have an overwhelming innate need to be efficient in everything. I use the soap in the shower to the last. I use one disposable razor for a month. I tear pieces of paper towels off. I use exactly three squares of toilet paper. I only buy, or make, the food I'm going to eat. I'm so proud of my 40 MPG car! There is a sense of righteousness in leaving a very small footprint. I'm so conservative with everything, and expect everyone to be the same way. On the other hand, the things of the heart are not efficient, and therefore must be eschewed.
A Mighty change of heart
However, the things of the heart are the "weightier matters," or the most important things. Judgment is being just, such as helping those in need, or "social justice." Mercy is blessing those who don't deserve it. Faith is trusting in the Lord, doing His will and leaving the final outcome to Him. These have no boxes to check. I didn't even notice that my wife needed my compassion and love. I didn't even notice that my children were individuals. I didn't even notice the needs of the poor. I judged them to be in their state because of their ignorance, not doing things right, and being inefficient. I gave everyone boxes to check, lists of tasks to perform so they could have everything like me.
Since I have lost everything I wanted, and killed everything I touched, I have had to re-think my core beliefs. I re-married a woman who is all heart. She is the heart of her home. Her whole life is about people, compassion, love, and giving from the heart. She doesn't have a schedule. She doesn't make grocery lists. I don't think she has a single list of boxes to check! Her children are mostly the same. This has admittedly been very frustrating because the whole family is inefficient. The first week I had to teach Shannie not to use half a roll of toilet paper every time she went in the bathroom. Half the food we buy is wasted. There are three rolls of paper towels open in the kitchen. There's no bed time. There is always toast in the toaster that is cold. I find my tools out in the dirt, and if I don't, I fret about having to buy another wrench that I know I had. I finally gave up. I now stand back and watch -- and bite my tongue. I realize that it's just NOT going to be done my way.
Letting go of my needs has required that I remove the lists, and the boxes. I don't have a checklist anymore. It makes me feel so out-of-control, at times, and yet gives a certain freedom that I haven't experienced before. I can be with the children and have no boxes to check. Since there is no ulterior motive I can just enjoy them. There is no need to manipulate them to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing so I can check the box in my head. I can let them be what and who they are.
I'm learning, but it doesn't come easily. I'm learning that effectiveness is more important than efficiency. Efficiency has always been my substitute for effectiveness, but I had to let it go. Now I have to learn how to be effective. I remember this difference described by a friend when I was observing a junkyard in Mexico, "In the United States you take care of things and use people, but in Mexico we take are of people and use things." This is a difference between efficiency and effectiveness. Isn't it ironic that so many years later I would marry a Mexican and learn this lesson for real.
My favorite commentator, Dennis Prager, has talked about this at length and he always makes sure to mention that efficiency and effectiveness (depending on what you are talking about being effective about) is good on a global scale while love, social justice, caring, etc. are better on a personal level.
ReplyDeleteBut I feel your pain and I can relate. I think an awful lot of us struggle with this. Sometimes it is so much easier to be detached and aloof. I am constantly reminding myself to take the time to sit and talk personally with my kids.
ReplyDeleteI read a long time ago in the Ensign how one of the GAs described how he would set aside a specific time each week to sit in the big comfy chair or rocker with his kids and just talk to them, one on one. To know them each individually and personally.
Frank
There is nothing wrong with being efficient or effective. It's when you let it get in the way of agape.
ReplyDeleteFS
Rather, it is about the times you sit down with your kids/wife to share with them a teaching or life experience moment.
ReplyDeleteFS