Bondage
I have not done this. Instead, I have insisted that I was right, or that things be done the way I want. I have been selfish in wanting to get my way. In the process, I have manipulated my family in three primary ways: 1. I would be authoritative, being the boss. 2. I would reason with them intellectually until they had to agree. Or, 3. I would just be "patient" and wait for them to turn to my way of thinking. I have not sought consensus with my wife and family, but rather I continued to hope things would go my way. I didn't give in and compromise in any way. Mostly, though, I didn't seek their feelings on things, rather I just assumed I was right and they would come around to my way of thinking. I didn't consider that they had anything to contribute. Thus, I could maintain my authority.
Being an authority is pride, and thus a form of bondage. I remained "stuck" in my own thoughts, ideas, and mind set. I could not change because I wasn't able to let others change me. I said I was open to change, but they had to convince me with a better argument than I had. I would be able to out-reason them and maintain my way of thinking. I was in a prison of my own making, out of which I could not get.
Liberation
The Lord intervened and took me out of bondage. He brought me down a road, the consequence of my selfishness, that I didn't expect. Pride does indeed go before a fall. My wife and children were taken away from me, and I was given a family that didn't care about my ability to reason. They don't think the way I do, rather they base their lives on their hearts. I was so frustrated, at first, but the Lord kept telling me, "It's alright, just go with it; let go of your authority." I have done that, and a whole new world has opened to my view. I walked out of the prison.
I'm no longer the authority, I'm just a figurehead. I'm a stand-in, filling in the gaps for Eddy. It's his family and I'm taking care of them for the time being. I'm a surrogate or adopted father so I have to learn "their way." One of these is to consider the feelings of others on any subject and seek to understand why they feel the way they do. Since I don't need my current wife and her children to be a "chip off the old block" to maintain a certain image, I don't fear their hearts; which has opened up a new world to me, a world of building unity and love, consideration and compassion.
I no longer have to have things "my way." It's a concept that I knew about in certain contexts, but did not apply to my personal life. It brings a certain peace, like not having to fight or jockey for position. I don't have to be the authority and know everything. I no longer have to be "patient" and wait for what I want. I don't have to be the "Lone Ranger," all alone out in the desert fighting for what I think is right. I can be part of a team.
It's freedom. In seeking counsel from my wife and family I gain their support. I don't have to drag them with me, insisting that they think, feel, and do as I do. I can allow them to be who they are, and learn from them, at the same time they take some responsibility. They are part of the process of decision-making, and thus become integrated into the solution.
Leadership
This is why I have been an ineffective leader in my business as well. I don't reach consensus by asking what my employees think or feel, but rather I act on how I feel at the moment. I have tried to be the authority, instead of the leader. I have thought I had to know everything to tell everyone what to do. I didn't teach them because I didn't know. This left huge gaps in productivity because everyone was guessing as to what needed to be done.
Building a team requires the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of each team member. This allows the team to be the best it can be. Finding consensus of the heart is not an easy task, but a good leader will be able to bring very different people together to form a team. This is the genius of Abraham Lincoln. One of his biographies is titled, "A Team of Rivals" referring to his ability to bring the rival members of his cabinet together to form a team that helped him keep a nation from being torn apart.
Be one
The concept of seeking the hearts of others is not new to me. I do it all the time in being a physician. I treat the same illness very differently in different people because of their individual wants, needs, and desires. I find out their hearts first, before making a plan of action, and when I make a recommendation and it doesn't work, I change easily, finding another way. In a way, I have given my patients more consideration than my employees, friends, and family, which I have been told more than once.
I'm just beginning to understand what is meant by unity. In giving up my pride of being an authority I can seek consensus by understanding the hearts of others. This is an essential part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, "I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine." (D&C 38:27) It is also an essential part of love. Jesus told his disciples how important this love is when He told them just before His suffering, "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35)
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