I'm OK, you're OK -- revisited

We need to be really careful of the sophistry of the world. In the 1970's there was a book written by Thomas Harris, MD called I'm OK, You're OK which is a popular view of Transactional Analysis. The theory of the book is that children start as "I'm not OK, you're OK" but must come to realize that the ideal is "I'm OK, You're OK." There is no need to put a judgment on either what I do or what others do. These theories have been around since the beginning of time because of the need to deal with the inherent sense of shame and guilt that make each one of us self-conscious and insecure.

Today, there is a book written by a sociologist, Brene Brown, Ph.D., which in essence gives the same advice. It's called The Gift of Imperfection, and deals with the fact that we are all imperfect, and we should be able to accept, and even celebrate, our imperfections. She sees children being raised with a sense of being accepted as lovable in spite of weaknesses as a way of preventing psychopathology.

In this book, guilt and shame are the enemies because they cause people to hide. When people hide a part of themselves that they don't want others to see, they do the following:

1. Numb the pain with drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and other addictions
2. Make the uncertain certain -- making absolute truths out of beliefs (religion, science, etc.)
3. Become perfect, make their children, job, and everything in their lives appear to be perfect
4. Pretend to be what they are not and have security, love, connection, etc.

The reality of who we are is outlined:

• We are lovable, and loved, no matter what our imperfections are.
• We need to love with our whole heart.
• We need to be authentic and quit lying about who we are, or hide.
• When we accept ourselves as we are, warts and all, we can put our whole heart into our existence.
• We need to live with gratitude and joy.
• We allow ourselves to be seen, all of us, without hiding anything.
• We connect with others when we share our whole heart.

In order to reach these truths we must:

• Give up perfectionism.
• Give up addictions.
• Don't worry about what others think.
• Let go of fear.
• Believe that you are enough.
• Allow yourself to be vulnerable.
• Have courage to tell your story from your heart, including your weaknesses.
• Take risks.
• Practice gratitude.

However, the idea of performing a behavior in order to change your heart is fallacious. We are often told that if you copy the behaviors of people who feel joy, then you will feel joy. Joy comes from gratitude. If we practice gratitude, we should be able to feel joy. The reality is that none of these changes can enter your heart without God. Until we experience being "born again" all changes we make will be like words on a page.

Shame does not go away without knowing the Lord, Jesus Christ. The Light exposes all shame and makes everyone humble, which allows them to ask for what they need and express gratitude from their hearts. The cascade is essential. You cannot skip a step. You must begin with an understanding of why you feel guilt and shame, and address the problem, rather than just the symptoms. We come to know His compassion and true empathy, which melts our need to hide. We can then see ourselves as we really are, and seek forgiveness. When Christ takes our burden we can be truly grateful, and will no longer have any guilt, shame or reason to hide. The plan is beautiful, perfect, and accessible to everyone!

Like all works of self-help and psychotherapy this new book contains 2-dimensional truth. It's true that we need to make changes, that we need to give up addictions, that we need to get rid of shame and become vulnerable, however, the way to do this is not by changing behavior, but rather to "come unto Jesus."

No Jesus, no peace.
Know Jesus, know peace.

No Jesus, no joy.
Know Jesus, know joy.

No Jesus, no love.
Know Jesus, know love.

No Jesus, no security.
Know Jesus, know security.

No Jesus, no truth.
Know Jesus, know truth.