Testing with POWER

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character -- give him power."                                                     Abraham Lincoln

The test of what we really are inside comes from the choices we make when we can choose anything.  With abundance we build what we want out of the materials given.  When our only choice is to opt in or out it is easy; good and evil are black and white.  The choice is clear.  However, when all things are before us, and the choice is purely ours to use the power given to fill our own needs -- then we have a REAL choice.  This is the true test of character.  Can we pass this test?
 

Wealth

In an address to the students at Brigham Young University, Elder Gordon B. Hinckley quoted Brigham Young:

It is our duty to preach the gospel, gather Israel, pay our tithing, and build temples. The worst fear that I have about this people is that they will get rich in this country, forget God and his people, wax fat, and kick themselves out of the Church and go to hell. This people will stand mobbing, robbing, poverty and all manner of persecution, and be true. It my greater fear for them is that they cannot stand wealth; and yet they have to be tried with riches, for they will become the richest people on this earth. [Nibley, Brigham Young, p. 128]

To which I can hear many of you say, Hasten the day.

I believe that day, spoken of by Brigham Young with a voice of prophecy that rose above the voices of defeat and criticism, has come. We have been blessed with the bounties of heaven and the bounties of earth. Oh, how magnificently and munificently we have been blessed!" (October 29, 1974; BYU Devotional; Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled; Gordon B. Hinckley)

We indeed are at that day. The Latter-day Saints are among the wealthiest and best-educated of people on Earth. We are respected; an LDS man was a real contender for the White House! The Perpetual Education Fund is helping Saints all over the world to get educated and rise out of poverty. In all walks of life and in every country of the world the people of the Covenant are being tried with riches. Some pass, while others fail.

As long as we are in some distress, we remember to turn to Him and seek His counsel and blessings, but when we are filled with our own wealth our need for God, and His blessings, dissipates.

When we hear about how hard the test of wealth is, but, as Elder Hinckley noted, we say, "Bring it!" as though we were ready for this test. Let's evaluate and see that we may already be there, and don't know it.

Food

We are given plenty to eat every day. We never starve. I ask hundreds of people in my work as a physician if they have ever gone a whole day without eating and no one has answered in the negative, unless they deliberately fast.

"We are killing ourselves with our forks."

Let me list a few of the diseases that are caused by overeating:

Cancer

Heart disease

Diabetes (Type 1 and Type 2)

Peripheral Vascular Disease

Hypertension

High Cholesterol

Gout

Arthritis

Prostate enlargement (BPH)

Migraine headaches

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)

Infertility

Inflammation

Irritable Bowel Syndrome

Crohn's disease

Ulcerative Colitis

Allergic Rhinitis

Celiac Disease

Alzheimer's Disease

Parkinson's Disease

Asthma

Obesity

Urticaria

Eczema

Psoriasis

Depression

Anxiety

Alcoholism

Drug use/abuse

Back Pain

Congestive Heart Failure

If you have any of these conditions, you may have already failed the test of wealth. You can't handle having too much available to you. When you are given power over your own eating habits, to be able to eat anything you want, any time you want, you choose to poison yourself with gluttony. You need to be in a place of poverty where they have to grow all their own food and have "bad years" with no food at times. This would force you to be healthy.

Beauty

"Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity to be otherwise." (Maya Angelou)

When a person is undesirable, it's easy to remain virtuous, however, when we have beauty we may find it very flattering to be the object of the lusts of others. Fame and fortune rear their ugly heads, and we believe we can get all we want without having to put in any effort, except to look good.

Isaiah spoke of the Covenant people of God being proud of their looks:

"Moreover the Lord saith, Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, and walk with stretched forth necks and wanton eyes, walking and mincing as they go, and making a tinkling with their feet:" (Isaiah 3:16)

Their salvation is in their own looks, instead of in the Lord. We have the wealth to buy pretty clothes, get our hair done, and use all sorts of cosmetics and surgical procedures to look good. We don't need God. Another failure of the test of wealth!

Lands, houses, and "stuff"

Last night I spoke with someone I have known a long time. He is in his 70's and healthy, but is close to bankruptcy. He has already had his motor home repossessed and still owes a great deal on it. Ten years ago, as he was ready to retire, his house was paid-off, and he had a modest retirement income. Now, however, he has taken a large loan on his house, such that it's "upside-down" (the debt is more than the value of the house), and he has other investments that went down when the Stock Market crashed. His income is down, and his debts are up.

Years ago when he retired, I talked with him about going on a mission, as he had the resources at the time. He indicated that he was going to make some investments, make lots of money, and when he was very wealthy, he would then serve a mission. It is now clear that this will never materialize.

Susa Young Gates, the daughter of President Brigham Young (1801-1877), once asked her father how it would ever be possible to accomplish the great amount of temple work that must be done, if all are given a full opportunity for exaltation. He told her there would be many inventions of labor-saving devices, so that our daily duties could be performed in a short time, leaving us more and more time for temple work"  (Archibald F. Bennett, Put on Thy Strength, O Zion! Improvement Era, Oct. 1952, 720). As predicted, all of these labor-saving devices have been invented, freeing-up lots of time for work outside of the home. However, instead of going to the Temple and doing the Lord's work, the Lord's people left the home and sought employment for money to increase their lifestyle!

 

In the Church, we cannot find enough people to do all the work of Zion. Everyone is so busy with their own things of the world, land, work, and toys, that they don't have time to serve the Lord. We chase the "American Dream" and get deep into debt, having to work long hours to maintain our lifestyle. The financial house of cards collapses periodically, leaving us in bondage to the world, and unable to serve the Lord with the only commodity we possess: TIME! Another failure of the test of wealth!

The Honors of Men

We are wealthy enough to be able to spend our time in selfish pursuits, gaining honor and glory in business or politics. We are able to be "professional students" or even professors, "Ever learning, and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth." (2 Timothy 3:7)

I was discussing the Gospel with an uncle who is a graduate of Cal in Berkeley and continues to pursue intellectual and political interests. He never married, has one child that he doesn't support, and rarely sees, and feels "the government" should pay him to pursue his intellectual interests. He said he didn't have time to study about God because there was so much in the world that he wanted to know first.

One aspect of wealth is not that we have a lot of goods, money, and toys, but also that we have the time to do what we want, and are not forced to care for others, or even ourselves. The work of the world helps us to come to know God as we submit our will to doing what must be done for our own survival by serving others, and trusting in Him to help us. When a government is invoked as the primary source of these blessings, we forget God. Another failure of the test of wealth!

Leisure

Another characteristic of excess wealth is "leisure time." Slaves, or those in poverty must work constantly for their own support. Now, anyone can have sufficient food, shelter, and clothing to meet their needs, and have plenty of time to do what they want. The test of wealth is met by what we do with that time.

Today we can be filled with entertainment of all sorts: movies, television, books, plays, games, music, sports, video games, electronic media, and so forth, that do not build us up or help others, they simply pass the time idly. The average American spends over 5 hours per day sitting in front of a TV screen. At the same time, we have trouble getting our work done. Members of the Lord's Church are not able to help a neighbor, do genealogy, or serve one another because "there is no time." Another failure of the test of wealth!

Power

We think we want the test of wealth, but don't realize that we already have it. It's power! -- the power to do what we want, to see what we will choose.

What Isaiah said of the Lord might just as well be applied to all people: "Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil, and choose the good." (Isaiah 7:15) If you have no choice, you don't really have a test. Jesus was given the choice. He passed the test of being able to choose anything. After fasting for 40 days, Satan came tempting him with all these things, wealth, honor, glory, power, but he refused and chose to serve God, walking among men and healing them, suffering with them, and for them.

We are in the midst of abundance, and we are failing this test. We are given so much, but use all we have for our own purposes, instead of God's. The benefit of poverty is that we cannot have expensive clothing, time to vegetate, enough food to get fat, or money to appear better than others. This is indeed the hardest test on the planet. Who has the character to pass the test of power?!

Power is the ability to get what we want. Whether this is by having enough money to buy what we want, or some political power to command others to do what we want. It's so easy to forget God when we have all our needs filled. We need to see the hand of the Lord in our lives. We need to need Him. We need to have nothing, except what He gives us to prevent us from thinking we are powerful. The most basic way of connecting with God is when we ask him to fill our needs. It's so hard to come to know Him if we miss this step. If we already have what we want, there is no need to ask God. Thus, Abraham Lincoln was spot-on when he said that the real test of character is not adversity, but power!

Growing up in Grace

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)

Those who are immature divide people into classes and categories by what they see. They call some good and acceptable because of things they say or do, or by how they look, while others are rejected. Maturity, on the other hand, brings all things together. It is loving and accepting. It takes the good with the bad, wholeheartedly. This is grace.

As a child

Children are born not knowing the contrasts of the world, good and evil, strengths and weakness. They have to be taught, by precept and example, what is acceptable, and what is not. A child will accept whatever is taught to him. He doesn't see black or white, bond or free, Christian or Atheist, because he doesn't know the characteristics. At first, it's just people. As a child comes to know the contrasts of life his individual tastes start to change his vision. We call this "the terrible twos" (I always thought it was "the terrific twos") because the child begins to assert his own personality. He has rough edges. He is strong in some ways, and weak in others. This contrast gradually increases as we grow.

If weakness in a child is cause for rejection, the child will hide his weaknesses. This prevents him from growing up and becoming a man. The characteristic of children is insecurity because they learn to divide people within and without, meaning by individuals and groups. The world is black and white. The problem is that the child has this same contrast within himself. He has good and bad. He is what he sees, and thus becomes insecure in himself. He must accept the good and reject the bad. In doing so he rejects a part of himself. He is bad. He is evil. He must be rejected. He cannot be loved. This causes a great deal of insecurity.

Mirror, Mirror

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

As we grow up and learn to hide our weaknesses and imperfections we may appear to be acceptable, but the problem is that they still exist, and are destructive to those around us. We can't see them because they are hidden from our view, but others see them, and we see them in others. Others mirror what we are inside, even the hidden parts. When we understand that concept we begin to look at the weaknesses in others differently -- as a blessing.

The immaturity and rough edges in the children of all ages is exactly the thing that helps us to grow for two reasons. First, childish behaviors are the mirror for us to see ourselves, what we have hidden, and hidden from, since childhood to avoid rejection, allowing us to deal with our weaknesses in a real way, taking them to God, who makes us strong.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

In dealing with children, in loving them with all of their strengths and weaknesses, indeed, loving them for all of their perfect imperfections, we see ourselves in them and can begin to grow up. The childish, rude, irresponsible, and destructive behavior of others is the mirror we need to see ourselves and grow up. Before we learn to have Charity, the pure love of Christ, we can only see what we are so that which we see in others is ourselves they are our mirrors. This is the key to growth. If we take what we see in others, and apply it to ourselves we can know the ways we need to grow, and pray for grace.

Second, we learn grace.

Becoming a man

In the immature, weaknesses are dealt with in two ways. Ignoring them, or attacking them. We either pick at our parents, spouses, children or siblings, feeling the need to correct the imperfections, or we pretend they don't exist, trying to look at only the "good." In becoming a man we put away childish things, neither correcting, nor ignoring weaknesses.

Grace is when we take a person as a whole and love them, all of them. We don't parse out the parts we love, rejecting the parts we hate. We just love in entirety. This is not like "falling in love" where we ignore or neglect to see the weaknesses, seeing a person as "perfect." Instead, we see the whole person, warts and all, and take all her curves and edges into our hearts, not as a distasteful "I'll take the bitter because I love the sweet" but rather because we love the whole. Grace is so hard to learn. Few people have this gift that loves completely. It is a characteristic of God.

The grace of God

To become a man is to have grace, and to bring together. Indeed, the Lord Himself, about whom Pilate said, "Behold the man!" (John 19:5) performed the Atonement to bring together all that is in one. To bring all people together. To bring all things, virtue and vice, light and darkness, pleasure and pain, good and evil, together -- to make His Kingdom whole.

God has grace. He doesn't ignore evil; He doesn't pretend there are no weaknesses, nor does He attack or reject them. He loves us whole. He loves all we are. He loves our individuality. He loves our strengths and weaknesses. He does not divide us by saying, "I love this part of you, but hate that part." He loves the entire person, whatever we are. When we understand the love of God for us, we lose our insecurity. We don't have to reject what we are because He doesn't. We know we are encircled in the arms of His love, acceptable, accepted, loved with all His heart.

Grace for grace

"Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;" (D&C 121:45)

Grace in life is loving God with all of our hearts, the bitter with the sweet. He is creator of all things. He created Jesus Christ, who loved enough to suffer innocently for all of God's children, and He created Satan, who brings pride and suffering. He loves Jesus. He loves Satan. He loves the Creator, and He loves the Destroyer. We are in the middle, making choices to become ourselves. We need the contrast. We need both sides to see ourselves and become what we want to be. We need to feel joy, and sorrow. We need to see it all, from the highest to the lowest, from the darkest to the lightest, in order for us to make our own decisions that bring us into our place and makes us whole. We possess grace when we take all that is in our lives, the strengths and the weaknesses, the pleasure as well as the pain, and love it -- that's when we love God.

Life is Growth

Last week was a hard week with too much to do, and not enough time to do it all. I have three jobs, and one took me out of town to do a talk, with all its attendant preparation. The nursing home administrator called me in to tell me there was another layer of paperwork on all of my patients that I need to do in order to be compliant with the State regulations. And, we are growing our office, meaning laying off employees (which I hate to do) and hiring new ones. It's all so much to think about, on top of all of the patients that need care. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a student. Being a student is great because you have a lot of pressure to get things done, but when finals are over, it's over, and there's nothing to do.

Nothing to do can be fun too. I look around at people who watch TV, or read books for fun, or go on Facebook, and I feel a little envious. Sometimes I wish I could be in prison or something where I didn't have to do anything at all -- just sit there. Of course, I'd get bored in short order, but I'd find something to do -- tasks that I like to do.

Doing only what I like to do is laziness. Laziness is a vice. Few are not lazy. But, we aren't lazy to do what we want, only what we don't want. In my office I really enjoy sitting and talking with people, helping them with their problems so I have no problem doing that, however, I hate the business side, and all the paperwork so it sits on my desk for weeks. These are things I know I need to do.

There are always things I know I need to do, but I don't do them because I don't want to grow. Growth is hard. I like doing what I'm good at. The things I like are the things I already know and don't need to change or grow. They're easy. They're fun. I'm good. I put in a huge effort to learn them, and now I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

God doesn't give us much, if any, time to enjoy the fruits of our labors. Once we learn one thing, it's time to move on an learn another, and then another, throughout our entire lives. There's no rest. There's no stopping. We go from grace to grace, or from lesson to lesson, with only occasional, and all-too-brief recesses in this mortal school.

I often forget that I'm in school here in mortality. It will end. I'm on probation and need to act accordingly. My learning and growth will determine my Eternity so I had better use my time wisely -- in growing and learning, and not in relaxing and enjoying. As soon as I learn one lesson, it's time to move on and learn another. Some lessons are that what I'm taught is not true, and I move on quickly.

I had to move on quickly in my medical training, for example. The medical school curriculum is simply algorithmic: a symptom defines a diagnosis which gets a drug, or referral to a specialist or surgical procedure. If there is no known treatment, send the patient to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. I quickly moved on to find that illness wasn't cured with drugs, and there are principles of health that can reverse and remove the cause of disease. I had to work for ten years to learn these things.

It takes ten years to learn things, as a rule. I have been working in the business of medicine for about ten years, and I'm finally beginning to understand. The business grows as I grow. It is a reflection of me. It's my business. If it is doing well, then I'm doing well. If I'm sick, it is sick. I hire employees that I think will do well, and if they don't, it's because I'm not, they reflect me. When I'm ready to move on, then either the employees I have move on with me, or I find new ones that will perform as I perform. The business grows as I grow. I created it. It is me.

If it is truly me, then I have been trying to escape from myself. I have wanted to avoid the business. I have tried and tried to get someone else to run it, and take over all its functions so I can just do what I like to do: sit with people and help them with their problems. Laziness is escape from growth, but growth is life, so laziness is an attempt to escape from life. It is death. I have been double-minded in an attempt to escape from myself.

I no longer want to escape from myself. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want life! In order to do this, I need to focus all of my energy. I need to put my world in order. I need to put first things first. I need my business to grow with me. I need to make it reflect what I want. I need my home to reflect what I am. I need my family to be part of that. I'm not going to seek rest anymore, but growth!

PURE LOVE

I think the word "Priestcraft" defines my life up to now. Nephi defines it thus:

"He commandeth that there shall be no priestcrafts; for, behold, priestcrafts are that men preach and set themselves up for a light unto the world, that they may get gain and praise of the world; but they seek not the welfare of Zion.  (2 Nephi 26:29)

There are two essential elements to this:

1. Setting ones self up as a light to get gain (money), and praise of the world.

2. Not seeking the welfare of Zion.

In reality, my whole life is the very definition of "priestcraft."

Money, Praise, Honor, Glory

My purposes are all selfish. I am seeking my own in all things. All I do is calculated to "get gain and praise of the world." I set myself up as a light unto the world in so many ways:

I'm the greatest teacher in church that others can look to -- a light to the Church so I will be praised of men.

I'm the best doctor in town -- a light to the medical community so I can make more money and receive the accolades of my patients.

I'm the example others should follow -- a light to those who know me so I can be praised.

I'm the "diabetes expert" that the whole world can look to for salvation from diabetes (literally) -- a light to the world so I can get paid more and praised for my intelligence.

I write my blog for everyone to read how much I'm learning to set myself up as an exemplary Christian -- a light to the world for the honors of men.

I share the Gospel to be a light.

I pray in public to be a light.

I pay tithing and fast offerings to be a light.

I help others to be a light.

I perform priesthood ordinances to be a light.

I go to the Temple to be a light.

"Look at me!" I'm still childish. The Apostle Paul says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child..." (1 Corinthians 13:1)

 

The welfare of Zion

Zion is the pure in heart. I am not seeking the benefit of the pure in heart so much as my own benefit in so many ways. I am puffed-up in my own eyes. I am doing what I need to do for me, and not really for others. In blessing the lives of others, I want them to look to me for salvation.

The welfare of Zion is to point each person to Christ and allow them to look to Him for salvation.

Nephi goes on to explain how to stop doing priestcrafts:

 

"Behold, the Lord hath forbidden this thing; wherefore, the Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing. Wherefore, if they should have charity they would not suffer the laborer in Zion to perish. But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish." (2 Nephi 26:30-31)

All about me

I was speaking with someone yesterday about this problem I have and she said, "What about me? How is this going to affect me?" And I realized that we all are in the same boat with a lack of charity. Everyone automatically interprets the experiences of others in their own way. We pick and choose the things we identify with, and miss what we don't already know or feel. I cannot really listen to others when it's all about me.

Depression is selfish. I have been depressed for many years, thinking "I want" "I feel" "I like" but I wasn't getting my needs met. I would walk around, not wanting to do anything because nothing was worth the effort, even having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to die because I didn't want to continue to put in effort without the desired results. I'm not getting what I want. Depression is all about me.

Anxiety is selfish. Worry is concern that I won't get what I want. Fear of the future, or "what will happen to me." It's still all about me.

 

Un-selfish

Charity is just the opposite. It is filled with love for others and faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. If we look at the way the Apostle Paul defines charity:

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Longsuffering

Kind

No envy

No vainglory

Not puffed up

Doesn't behave badly

Not all about me

Doesn't get angry easily

Doesn't think evil

Enjoys truth, not iniquity

Bears all things the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him

Believes all truth

Hopes all things

Endures all things

Wow! What a list! Every one of these could be summarized into one word: unselfish. This is what charity is all about: getting outside of yourself. I am quite sure that nobody can do it. We don't have the capacity to get outside of ourselves. We only know what we know, and cannot know what we haven't experienced. We are self-involved to the extreme. We don't have the capacity to understand anything outside of ourselves. A man cannot understand childbirth. A blind man cannot understand color. A deaf man cannot understand a Mozart requiem. We don't know what we're missing. We are self-absorbed necessarily at all times.

Receiving the gift

Charity cannot be learned, it is a gift given to those who follow the Lord, Jesus Christ. In setting aside our own wants, needs, and desires, and submitting to the will of God in all things, we do as He did. We won't understand. We cannot know beforehand where it will take us. We just blindly do as the Lord commands, and accept what happens to us, always giving thanks in all things. When we don't want to, we do it anyway. This is the training for charity. It is not learning, or earning the gift, but rather preparing to receive it. Mormon explains:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;" (Moroni 7:48)

God bestows this gift. You can be a true follower of Jesus Christ, but you still must pray fervently for the gift of charity in order to receive it. This is because it isn't ours to take, it is His to give. We don't possess it, He does. It is not a present for us to open, but rather we take part in His gift of the Atonement. Charity is what He has. Charity is what He did. Moroni explains:

"And now I know that this love which thou hast had for the children of men is charity." (Ether 12:34)

Charity is not what we get, but the love that He had for everyone. When we receive the gift of charity, we take part in His love, in His grace, and in His sacrifice. It's not about me, it's about Him. The only way outside of ourselves is through what He did because we will not have to do it. We will never have to suffer as He did for others, innocently. If I suffer it is for my own sake so I will never, of myself, be able to understand the suffering of others. He suffered for others, all others; He descended below all things. He suffered all things. He bore all things. He endured all things. This is the love He had for all; it's called charity, and we can possess it through Him, and His grace and mercy.

The greatest

Thus, charity is the only way outside of yourself, unless you desire to suffer as He suffered. Yet, this is impossible because God is just, and would not let us suffer innocently. At the same time, we are not innocent, having committed sin, so we could never suffer innocently. Only Christ was innocent. Only He could effect the Infinite Atonement and get outside of Himself, suffering for others. So, we can only know it through Him.

"And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2)

"The Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing." (2 Nephi 26:30)

"And if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity." (Moroni 7:44)

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." (Moroni 7:46-47)

"Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away... And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." (1 Corinthians 13:8,13)

Of all the gifts of which Paul speaks, three stay with us forever, faith, hope and charity, and the greatest of these is charity. For without charity we are nothing. Without the gift of His love, we are still selfish, but with His love we become part of Him, and that makes us great!

Obedience is exigent

In July of 1988 I was dating a woman, one of the residents in the ER at UCLA where I worked, named Debbie. She was not of my faith, or any faith, and had one goal: to get me to sleep with her. I was flattered that she, a doctor, wanted me, a lowly clerk, so I continued to see her. "I'm dating one of the doctors," I would tell my fellow clerks. One evening, I was praying and was told by the Holy Ghost to promise that I would only marry in the Temple and nowhere else. I knelt down and made that promise to God. Subsequently, I called Debbie and told her that we were from two different worlds, and she was not going to go into mine, and I didn't want to go into hers so we should stop dating. I was very proud of myself for not going down that path, for being obedient to God. (Fifteen years later I saw her at a medical conference... and walked right by.)

Within a couple of months I became a first-year medical student at UCLA. The over 100 students in the class spent a lot of time together, and we got to know each other well. Within weeks we were all separating into groups. We had about eight in our group, meeting for lunch and after classes to study together, and sometimes for sports or parties. However, gradually the students in our group started going to other groups, and only a girl named Michele and I were left together. That was fine with me because she was really cute, fun, and super smart. She could only bring me up in the ranks.

Michele and I spent every day together and soon started dating. We talked about religion and I told her about my convictions, she said, "It doesn't matter which church you go to, as long as you're a good person." I remember mentally crossing her off my list. However, one day she asked if she could go to church with me, and of course, I consented. Then, a few months later she asked if she could talk to the missionaries. I told her that I didn't want her to be uncomfortable asking questions so she could go alone. I think she went through four sets of sisters, because she really didn't understand the Gospel. She didn't believe. Then one day our young adult group was at Laurent's house in Bel Air watching a video of President Benson's talk on pride. Immediately after it ended she stood up and said, "I have an announcement, I'm going to be baptized next week on my birthday!" and she sat down. Everyone in the room was stunned because we all knew the struggle she was having with belief.

On the way home, I was driving her down the hill and questioning if she was ready. "You don't understand the Gospel; you don't believe in Joseph Smith; you don't believe in prophets and apostles; why do you want to be baptized, anyway?"

"Because I feel like it's the right thing to do!" was the profound reply.

I couldn't argue with that so she had her interviews and I baptized her on her birthday in 1989, June 6.

We continued to date, and in October we started to talk about marriage. I told her that we would have to wait until June because she had to be a member for at least a year in order to go to the temple. She learned that her parents would not be able to go into the temple and see her get married so she convinced me to move the date to December, and we could be sealed in the temple the following June. I consented to be married in her mom's little church in Riverside on December 16th, the day after our last final of the semester.

Seven years later, we had taken the Temple Prep course about as many times, and Michele said, "I don't think I'll ever understand it, I think we should just go to the temple and be sealed." So, we took our two children, Alex and Christopher, and went to the Los Angeles Temple were we were all sealed together.

Then, in September 2009 Michele announced she no longer wanted to be married. I tried to convince her that we could work it out, but she had already filed the papers. That night she said, "If you love something, set it free..." and the Spirit spoke to me, "That is true! Let her go." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! This is not right! No! It's all wrong! This is not how it's supposed to be! I promised I would never get divorced! It was a very tumultuous time, emotionally.

At about the same time, My best friend, Eddy, was diagnosed with lymphoma, again. He had been treated for it about seven years before, but it had returned. He quickly got worse over the next several months -- he was dying. His wife, Karyn, told me that she was worrying about me and Michele one day when the Spirit spoke to her, telling her that it was no coincidence that Eddy was dying and I was getting divorced at the same time. The Lord's timing is perfect. Eddy died in February, and the next June my divorce was final.

In the meantime, I was spending a lot of time with Karyn. I spoke at Eddy's funeral, and went to Utah several times to visit. She also came to see me in California several times. We brought all thirteen kids together and rented a cabin in Heber for a snowboard/snowmobile trip after Christmas that year. The next April we were married in her friend's house in Grantsville, Utah.

The next three years were also tumultuous, but in a very different way. I began to grow. I developed a heart. I learned was love is. I started to feel the Spirit. I began to be close to the Lord. I felt forgiven of my sins. I started to pray more earnestly, and my prayers were answered. I began to learn the ways of the world of business and leadership, providing direction and motivation to others, bringing people together to achieve a common goal. I was being guided by the Spirit in all things. I completely got rid of the "I'm OK and you're OK" philosophies I had developed. Instead of separating, I learned to bring people together. Instead of independence, I learned to love.

I immediately began to love Karyn, and soon felt love for her with all my heart, to a depth I never thought possible. And, the more I love her, the more I love God, my children, and those around me. It just keeps getting better! And, I can see into the future, that it will keep getting better forever and ever! I can see that my love is still immature, and over time will grow in different ways. It is so fulfilling to love and be loved.

With this contrast, I also realized that I had lived in a spiritual desert for twenty years. Though I did what I thought was right, I didn't know what was right, because I didn't have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I would feel Him sometimes, but not as a constant companion. Now, I know the difference because I've been in both places. I couldn't do good because I didn't know the will of God.

"Doing good" is not doing what we think is good, but rather doing the will of the Lord. Divorce is not good, but God wanted me to be with Karyn so it was necessary. When the Lord told Joshua to wipe out a whole civilization including men, women, children, animals and records, it was good. The Book of Mormon tells us why:

"Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God. But behold, this people had rejected every word of God, and they were ripe in iniquity; and the fulness of the wrath of God was upon them; and the Lord did curse the land against them, and bless it unto our fathers; yea, he did curse it against them unto their destruction, and he did bless it unto our fathers unto their obtaining power over it." (1 Nephi 17:35)

They had rejected every word of God! "Ripe in iniquity" means nobody is around that will obey God so nobody can do good, even if they think they are. Sometimes it works the other way; Jonah thought Nineveh was ripe, and should be destroyed, but the Lord knew otherwise, and the city was spared when they repented and became obedient.

Obedience is the key to everything. I wandered in the wilderness for twenty years because of my disobedience -- I didn't keep my promise, and I was cut off. I know Michele will be blessed for her "blind faith" and obedience even though she did not understand. She obeyed the Spirit each time in the major things: getting baptized, going to the temple, and getting divorced. She has integrity of heart, and she fulfilled her mission. For this she will be blessed beyond measure. I'm grateful to her for the courage she demonstrated in each of these decisions.

"Righteous" means "obedient to God." I was disobedient to God, even though I thought I was doing the right thing by letting my wife have her way. For this I was sorely chastened, I lost the Spirit, and wandered in the wilderness for 20 years.  What's more, that decision will affect generations after me -- some effects are not repaired easily, if at all.

Nevertheless, the Lord is merciful to those who repent and obey. He has brought me up out of the pit, and placed me in His tender care. He has taken my stony heart out of my breast and replaced it with one of flesh. He has blessed me with His Holy Spirit to guide my footsteps and mark my path. I know He has done this because of His Son, who suffered all things for those who want to change and become obedient. I am still nobody. I am nothing. I have nothing. I'm "wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked." (Revelation 3:17) But I know that the Lord is merciful. I cling to His grace. I have hope in Him. I will strive to live "by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4) I have learned obedience by the things I have suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8)