Last week was a hard week with too much to do, and not enough time to do it all. I have three jobs, and one took me out of town to do a talk, with all its attendant preparation. The nursing home administrator called me in to tell me there was another layer of paperwork on all of my patients that I need to do in order to be compliant with the State regulations. And, we are growing our office, meaning laying off employees (which I hate to do) and hiring new ones. It's all so much to think about, on top of all of the patients that need care. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a student. Being a student is great because you have a lot of pressure to get things done, but when finals are over, it's over, and there's nothing to do.
Nothing to do can be fun too. I look around at people who watch TV, or read books for fun, or go on Facebook, and I feel a little envious. Sometimes I wish I could be in prison or something where I didn't have to do anything at all -- just sit there. Of course, I'd get bored in short order, but I'd find something to do -- tasks that I like to do.
Doing only what I like to do is laziness. Laziness is a vice. Few are not lazy. But, we aren't lazy to do what we want, only what we don't want. In my office I really enjoy sitting and talking with people, helping them with their problems so I have no problem doing that, however, I hate the business side, and all the paperwork so it sits on my desk for weeks. These are things I know I need to do.
There are always things I know I need to do, but I don't do them because I don't want to grow. Growth is hard. I like doing what I'm good at. The things I like are the things I already know and don't need to change or grow. They're easy. They're fun. I'm good. I put in a huge effort to learn them, and now I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors.
God doesn't give us much, if any, time to enjoy the fruits of our labors. Once we learn one thing, it's time to move on an learn another, and then another, throughout our entire lives. There's no rest. There's no stopping. We go from grace to grace, or from lesson to lesson, with only occasional, and all-too-brief recesses in this mortal school.
I often forget that I'm in school here in mortality. It will end. I'm on probation and need to act accordingly. My learning and growth will determine my Eternity so I had better use my time wisely -- in growing and learning, and not in relaxing and enjoying. As soon as I learn one lesson, it's time to move on and learn another. Some lessons are that what I'm taught is not true, and I move on quickly.
I had to move on quickly in my medical training, for example. The medical school curriculum is simply algorithmic: a symptom defines a diagnosis which gets a drug, or referral to a specialist or surgical procedure. If there is no known treatment, send the patient to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. I quickly moved on to find that illness wasn't cured with drugs, and there are principles of health that can reverse and remove the cause of disease. I had to work for ten years to learn these things.
It takes ten years to learn things, as a rule. I have been working in the business of medicine for about ten years, and I'm finally beginning to understand. The business grows as I grow. It is a reflection of me. It's my business. If it is doing well, then I'm doing well. If I'm sick, it is sick. I hire employees that I think will do well, and if they don't, it's because I'm not, they reflect me. When I'm ready to move on, then either the employees I have move on with me, or I find new ones that will perform as I perform. The business grows as I grow. I created it. It is me.
If it is truly me, then I have been trying to escape from myself. I have wanted to avoid the business. I have tried and tried to get someone else to run it, and take over all its functions so I can just do what I like to do: sit with people and help them with their problems. Laziness is escape from growth, but growth is life, so laziness is an attempt to escape from life. It is death. I have been double-minded in an attempt to escape from myself.
I no longer want to escape from myself. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want life! In order to do this, I need to focus all of my energy. I need to put my world in order. I need to put first things first. I need my business to grow with me. I need to make it reflect what I want. I need my home to reflect what I am. I need my family to be part of that. I'm not going to seek rest anymore, but growth!
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