In July of 1988 I was dating a woman, one of the residents in the ER at UCLA where I worked, named Debbie. She was not of my faith, or any faith, and had one goal: to get me to sleep with her. I was flattered that she, a doctor, wanted me, a lowly clerk, so I continued to see her. "I'm dating one of the doctors," I would tell my fellow clerks. One evening, I was praying and was told by the Holy Ghost to promise that I would only marry in the Temple and nowhere else. I knelt down and made that promise to God. Subsequently, I called Debbie and told her that we were from two different worlds, and she was not going to go into mine, and I didn't want to go into hers so we should stop dating. I was very proud of myself for not going down that path, for being obedient to God. (Fifteen years later I saw her at a medical conference... and walked right by.)
Within a couple of months I became a first-year medical student at UCLA. The over 100 students in the class spent a lot of time together, and we got to know each other well. Within weeks we were all separating into groups. We had about eight in our group, meeting for lunch and after classes to study together, and sometimes for sports or parties. However, gradually the students in our group started going to other groups, and only a girl named Michele and I were left together. That was fine with me because she was really cute, fun, and super smart. She could only bring me up in the ranks.
Michele and I spent every day together and soon started dating. We talked about religion and I told her about my convictions, she said, "It doesn't matter which church you go to, as long as you're a good person." I remember mentally crossing her off my list. However, one day she asked if she could go to church with me, and of course, I consented. Then, a few months later she asked if she could talk to the missionaries. I told her that I didn't want her to be uncomfortable asking questions so she could go alone. I think she went through four sets of sisters, because she really didn't understand the Gospel. She didn't believe. Then one day our young adult group was at Laurent's house in Bel Air watching a video of President Benson's talk on pride. Immediately after it ended she stood up and said, "I have an announcement, I'm going to be baptized next week on my birthday!" and she sat down. Everyone in the room was stunned because we all knew the struggle she was having with belief.
On the way home, I was driving her down the hill and questioning if she was ready. "You don't understand the Gospel; you don't believe in Joseph Smith; you don't believe in prophets and apostles; why do you want to be baptized, anyway?"
"Because I feel like it's the right thing to do!" was the profound reply.
I couldn't argue with that so she had her interviews and I baptized her on her birthday in 1989, June 6.
We continued to date, and in October we started to talk about marriage. I told her that we would have to wait until June because she had to be a member for at least a year in order to go to the temple. She learned that her parents would not be able to go into the temple and see her get married so she convinced me to move the date to December, and we could be sealed in the temple the following June. I consented to be married in her mom's little church in Riverside on December 16th, the day after our last final of the semester.
Seven years later, we had taken the Temple Prep course about as many times, and Michele said, "I don't think I'll ever understand it, I think we should just go to the temple and be sealed." So, we took our two children, Alex and Christopher, and went to the Los Angeles Temple were we were all sealed together.
Then, in September 2009 Michele announced she no longer wanted to be married. I tried to convince her that we could work it out, but she had already filed the papers. That night she said, "If you love something, set it free..." and the Spirit spoke to me, "That is true! Let her go." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! This is not right! No! It's all wrong! This is not how it's supposed to be! I promised I would never get divorced! It was a very tumultuous time, emotionally.
At about the same time, My best friend, Eddy, was diagnosed with lymphoma, again. He had been treated for it about seven years before, but it had returned. He quickly got worse over the next several months -- he was dying. His wife, Karyn, told me that she was worrying about me and Michele one day when the Spirit spoke to her, telling her that it was no coincidence that Eddy was dying and I was getting divorced at the same time. The Lord's timing is perfect. Eddy died in February, and the next June my divorce was final.
In the meantime, I was spending a lot of time with Karyn. I spoke at Eddy's funeral, and went to Utah several times to visit. She also came to see me in California several times. We brought all thirteen kids together and rented a cabin in Heber for a snowboard/snowmobile trip after Christmas that year. The next April we were married in her friend's house in Grantsville, Utah.
The next three years were also tumultuous, but in a very different way. I began to grow. I developed a heart. I learned was love is. I started to feel the Spirit. I began to be close to the Lord. I felt forgiven of my sins. I started to pray more earnestly, and my prayers were answered. I began to learn the ways of the world of business and leadership, providing direction and motivation to others, bringing people together to achieve a common goal. I was being guided by the Spirit in all things. I completely got rid of the "I'm OK and you're OK" philosophies I had developed. Instead of separating, I learned to bring people together. Instead of independence, I learned to love.
I immediately began to love Karyn, and soon felt love for her with all my heart, to a depth I never thought possible. And, the more I love her, the more I love God, my children, and those around me. It just keeps getting better! And, I can see into the future, that it will keep getting better forever and ever! I can see that my love is still immature, and over time will grow in different ways. It is so fulfilling to love and be loved.
With this contrast, I also realized that I had lived in a spiritual desert for twenty years. Though I did what I thought was right, I didn't know what was right, because I didn't have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I would feel Him sometimes, but not as a constant companion. Now, I know the difference because I've been in both places. I couldn't do good because I didn't know the will of God.
"Doing good" is not doing what we think is good, but rather doing the will of the Lord. Divorce is not good, but God wanted me to be with Karyn so it was necessary. When the Lord told Joshua to wipe out a whole civilization including men, women, children, animals and records, it was good. The Book of Mormon tells us why:
"Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God. But behold, this people had rejected every word of God, and they were ripe in iniquity; and the fulness of the wrath of God was upon them; and the Lord did curse the land against them, and bless it unto our fathers; yea, he did curse it against them unto their destruction, and he did bless it unto our fathers unto their obtaining power over it." (1 Nephi 17:35)
They had rejected every word of God! "Ripe in iniquity" means nobody is around that will obey God so nobody can do good, even if they think they are. Sometimes it works the other way; Jonah thought Nineveh was ripe, and should be destroyed, but the Lord knew otherwise, and the city was spared when they repented and became obedient.
Obedience is the key to everything. I wandered in the wilderness for twenty years because of my disobedience -- I didn't keep my promise, and I was cut off. I know Michele will be blessed for her "blind faith" and obedience even though she did not understand. She obeyed the Spirit each time in the major things: getting baptized, going to the temple, and getting divorced. She has integrity of heart, and she fulfilled her mission. For this she will be blessed beyond measure. I'm grateful to her for the courage she demonstrated in each of these decisions.
"Righteous" means "obedient to God." I was disobedient to God, even though I thought I was doing the right thing by letting my wife have her way. For this I was sorely chastened, I lost the Spirit, and wandered in the wilderness for 20 years. What's more, that decision will affect generations after me -- some effects are not repaired easily, if at all.
Nevertheless, the Lord is merciful to those who repent and obey. He has brought me up out of the pit, and placed me in His tender care. He has taken my stony heart out of my breast and replaced it with one of flesh. He has blessed me with His Holy Spirit to guide my footsteps and mark my path. I know He has done this because of His Son, who suffered all things for those who want to change and become obedient. I am still nobody. I am nothing. I have nothing. I'm "wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked." (Revelation 3:17) But I know that the Lord is merciful. I cling to His grace. I have hope in Him. I will strive to live "by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4) I have learned obedience by the things I have suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8)
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