Pain is brief, but Joy is forever!

The problem of pain is not found in the actual discomfort we experience, but rather in the way we deal with it.  The Scriptures are clear that we are to endure suffering while in the tabernacle of clay.  Part of the test of mortality is to experience evil, and turn to God.  Salvation is what we seek, from whatever torment we have.  Loneliness, death, disability, physical pain, emotional suffering, and loss of all kinds are things we naturally want to avoid.  The avoidance of pain keeps us from growing so those who cannot take pain cannot experience joy.  However, if we turn to the Lord in our sorrows He will comfort us and help us to endure to the end, find Eternal life, and have joy forever.

Avoidance of pain
Those who try to avoid pain, avoid joy -- and experience more pain.  Being in an imperfect world we must "pass through sorrow," as Eve said, and she should know, she started the whole thing.  Adam would have avoided pain, and thus never known good and evil.  They would have never progressed, learned, and obtained joy.  Lehi explains this concept thoroughly: "if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.  And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin."  (2 Nephi 2:22-23)

The fear of pain and suffering always brings on pain and suffering.  In fact, most often it is the very thing that we fear that we must experience, as Job: "the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me."  (Job 3:25)  We cannot avoid pain.  The world is in a constant state of change.  People die. Wars happen.  People get sick.  Disasters happen.   People get hurt.  Evil happens.  We cannot be immunized against these, nor can we avoid them forever.  However, even if we could, it would only bring sorrow, because, as Lehi noted above, if we don't experience misery, we cannot experience joy.

It is natural for us to complain to our peers when we suffer.  I have had many patients who only want someone to understand how they suffer.  But humans cannot truly understand the suffering of another.  We can't truly experience their pain, even when we have had a similar experience because we all feel the same pain differently.  Those who complain about their suffering never grow up and learn from their experience, but rather become bitter and angry.  On the other hand, those who turn to the Lord find comfort.

Once we experience pain we try to get rid of it, or dull it.  Modern Medicine has a myriad of drugs and surgery to reduce or eliminate pain and suffering.  We believe medicine can save us from our pain.  I have seen many use prescription drugs for years, always suffering with pain in spite of the drugs.  "They only take the edge off," is what I hear most.  Most often, in spite of all the doctors can do, the patient continues to suffer -- hopelessly and needlessly.

Suffer the will of God
People often tell me that it is the Devil that gives us pain, that pain is evil and should never be.  However, I have come to see that it is the Lord that gives us pain.  To "suffer" is to "allow" the will of God to prevail in our lives.  If God gives us pain, we suffer (allow) it.  In Proverbs we read, "Despise not the chastening of the Lord; neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth."  (Proverbs 3:11-12)

The Scriptures tell us that Christ is "in all things."  All means all and all is all all means.  That means our pain, as well as our joy, come from God.  Job's friend counseled him, "happy is the man whom God correcteth: therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty: For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole."  (Job 5:17-18)  Faith in Christ requires that we do as He did -- suffer the pain that we are given, knowing that He is mighty to save.  King Benjamin paints a picture of what it takes to be a child of Christ, he says that every man must be "willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."  (Mosiah 3:19)  Submission to the pain God gives to us is not to try to avoid it, numb it, or even dull it, but rather endure it, and turn to Him for salvation, for He is our hope.

Seeking Pain
The next step after enduring pain is to seek it, cause it, and feel it to the fullest.  As we go through life and become more mature we progress through a series of stages.

Stage 1, infancy to early childhood: Avoiding discomfort
Stage 2, children through adolescents: Tolerating discomfort
Stage 3, mature adults: Seeking discomfort

Babies avoid pain.  Adults tolerate pain.  Prophets cause themselves pain.  The first two are imposed by others, the last is self-imposed.  There are many things we can do to impose pain upon ourselves that would help us to grow.  I ask people to do this all the time in my office:

• Avoid comfort foods: alcohol, coffee, sugar, bread, and so forth.
• Eat things that don't taste good -- seek the bitter, avoid the sweet.
• Fast.
• Exercise.

These painful habits will assure a healthy body that is able to endure through the vicissitudes of life, having a great deal of strength and stamina to tolerate stress.

The saying, "No pain, No gain" is entirely accurate.  If we don't experience pain, we cannot experience joy.  We only experience joy to the extent that we experience pain.  Therefore, if we want to experience more joy, we should be seeking pain and discomfort, instead of comfort.

Paradoxically, the more we seek comfort, the more we lose it, and the more we seek pain, the more we are enabled to feel joy.  Self-imposed pain is not masochism, but rather seeking things that are good for us, event though we know they are going to be hard, or may end in disaster, or that we might fail, or will be difficult, instead of avoiding them.  Besides the things above for physical health, we can seek pain in other ways:

• Take responsibility for others.
• Find work that is challenging.
• Have a family.
• Get married.
• Have children.
• Follow Christ, get baptized, seek God.
• Give up your own wants, needs, and desires for the benefit of others.
• Speak out against sin.
• Teach the truth about God.
• Give all you have to the poor, accepting a lower standard of living.

As we seek ways to cause suffering and sorrow, we become fully engaged in life.  "That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro," (Ephesians 4:14) but take life by the horns and accept the challenges, the pain, the sorrow, and the suffering.  Not just enduring, but even seeking discomfort and pain.  If we have been hurt, we go back for more.  "Once bitten, twice shy" is for sissies, and children.  Adults will go back and face their fears, and overcome in spite of them.

Trust in God
Hope allows us to endure suffering well.  Christ has the power to take away our pain, however, as long as we are focused on our own pain, and seek something or someone in the world to save us, we cannot have hope.  Hope comes as we exercise faith in Christ and look to Him for salvation.  There are many who suffer physical, mental, emotional and other pains of mortality, who don't turn to the world, but rather to God.  Often, He doesn't immediately remove their pain, but allows the pain to transform them from weak and immature children to strong and confident adults.  Those who turn to the Lord grow up, as Eve indicated: "It is better for us to pass through sorrow..."  and Lehi explained why -- "that they might have joy."

It is not in our power to save ourselves from anything, but rather we are to only do the will of the Lord in all things.  Seeking the will of the Lord is asking for pain, as Moroni was told, "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness."  (Ether 12:27)  This is why Malachi echoed the words of the people of God, "Ye have said, It is vain to serve God: and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinance, and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord of hosts?  And now we call the proud happy; yea, they that work wickedness are set up; yea, they that tempt God are even delivered."  (Malachi 3:14-15)  Many have noticed that those who follow the Lord have more problems than those who don't.  This is part of the plan.  Those who seek the Lord will be given more sorrow, that they might experience more joy.

When we turn to the Lord in our sorrows He may not remove the pain, but rather comfort us as we suffer.  As a mother can only comfort her injured child who has a skinned knee, the Lord comforts us in our sorrows, as He did when Joseph Smith was imprisoned: "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."  (D&C 121:7-8)

The Lord tells us that we will have affliction, and that we must endure our suffering to the end, "Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days."  (D&C 24:8)  Endure pain; endure suffering; endure heartache, grief and torment.  Endure to the end.  This means the end of the suffering, perhaps even the end of our lives.  "Ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."  (2 Nephi 31:20)

Seek the Lord, and ye shall find Him, but He is not in the place you think -- in endless comfort -- but rather in suffering, sorrow, and pain.  Seek for sorrow.  Feel the pain.  Don't seek an easy and event-free life, putting the brakes on everywhere you are afraid to go.  No fear!  Onward, and upward!  Take on life!  Carpe diem!  Endure hardship!  Seek responsibility!  Learn!  Grow!  Don't be afraid!  God is with you, always, to the end, no matter what!  You will be supported in all your trials.  Seek pain.  Pain is brief, but joy is FOREVER!

FREEDOM!!!

Almost ten years ago, I read a book called The Four Hour Work Week by Timothy Ferris where he describes his hack for working away from an office, having both time and money.  The "new rich" are those who have no stuff of the world to bind them down, they are mobile and free.  I sure liked the idea of freedom, it was so synergistic with what I wanted.  When I read the book I was so excited about it that I couldn't sit still.  I would periodically get up and run around the room laughing.  This was the most wonderful book I had ever read in my life.  I was going to do it!  I was there!  I wanted freedom more than anything in the world.

Well, as it turned out, life happened differently from my plans and ideas.  Within a couple of years I found myself in the middle of a divorce, and then a new business, and next a new marriage and family that tripled my responsibility.  Every time I turned around I would have another line staked to the ground, like Gulliver.  I now have thirteen children and four houses in two states, four jobs (two full-time and two part-time), and I'm tied down so tight by my own sense of duty that it seems I'll never get away.  I'm not happy.  I wanted freedom, and got instead so many more tethers to tie me down to one spot.  Instead of enjoying life, I'm hating it!

Types of freedom
We live in a world with millions of intelligent beings that have ideas of how life works -- these are the philosophies of men.  People who are not lazy will go after what they want, and those who are lazy also get what they want.  All of us find a way to get what we want.  Tim Ferris wanted freedom, and he found a way to do it.  When I read his philosophy, I saw that I could do what he did, and it was so exciting to me, because that's what I wanted, and I could see a way out.  I could do it!  However, it was not to be.  The Lord had a higher calling for me.  I had to learn about the different types of freedom.

There are two types of freedom:

1. Freedom from responsibility 
2. Freedom of responsibility

Children are in the first category.  They are completely free from responsibility for themselves.  They have parents to take care of them, allowing them to do anything they want, however, they have boundaries.  The parents will limit their activities to those things that are safe, setting guidelines, and even physically restraining them in car seats, high chairs or cribs.  Thus, while there is a measure of freedom, children are not really free to do whatever they desire.  Many children buck against these restraints, but good parents are firm.

Adults are free to do as they please.  Without the oversight of parents, adults can make decisions for their lives according to their own desires.  However, there are still restraints and limits.  We all need the work of others in order to get what we want.  We need thousands of people working for airlines to fly us from one place to another.  We need all the farmers growing the food so we can eat.  We need people who invent cool gadgets that allow us to communicate... and so forth.  In order to get the goods and services of others, we need to provide others with something valuable.  We can use our brain or brawn to provide something for the needs and wants of others in a fair exchange.  So, we work.  Other restraints include the laws of our land that allow us to live together in peace.  We aren't completely free, but within these parameters we have a great deal of latitude.

This is what got me so excited.  I would be free to do what I wanted, without any responsibility to tie me down.  My business would be impersonal, I can provide a service without being there -- they could watch me on You Tube and get all the information.  I could be anywhere and speak with them on Skype.  The loose bonds with others would allow me to do what I wanted, to go where I wanted, and be whatever I wanted.  It's all about me!  I'm the lone ranger, free to do as I please!  It's real freedom from responsibility.  It feels so unconstrained.  It's intoxicating!

The paradox of freedom
However, there is more to freedom.  The highest level of freedom is being bound to others more tightly.  The connections of love that we form as we care for others is so much greater than being able to do anything we want.  Taking on responsibility allows us to be more than we can be alone.  We have power in unity with others.  Becoming one with others is true freedom.  The more people we are bound to, the more power we have.  More power gives us so much more freedom.

There are many paradoxes in the word "freedom."  True freedom is being bound to the right things, and loosed from the rest.  Being bound to God is freedom, bound by covenants, commitments, and commandments.  In like manner, being bound to a family is freedom.  Being bound by your work where you make a contribution to the world.  When people work together in harmony on a common goal, there is something called synergy.

Synergy is where the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.  Relationships bring synergy, "some an hundredfold, some sixtyfold, some thirtyfold."  (Matthew 13:8)  The closer we are to others, the greater is the potential.  A family is very binding, requiring that we give up a lot of things we want.  We need a place to raise the children so we get a mortgage, they need to be taught so we put together schools.  As the children grow, they have different needs, and we become bound to so many things, taking on more responsibilities for soccer teams, boy scouts, play practices, dance recitals, and so forth -- ad infinitum.  All of these things bring groups of people together to reach a common goal.  We have synergy in the relationships.

Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.
As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth.
Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them:
(Psalm 127:3-5) 

People take time and effort.  Relationships are built as we get to know the heart of others by caring for them.  It is a process that takes many years and a great deal of effort.  If we are never bound to others, we don't forge a relationship.  The efforts of freedom from responsibility are wasted on ourselves, and we end up alone and miserable.  However, when we take responsibility for others, we develop a bond of trust and love, bringing ultimate happiness.  The more people we care for, the more connected we will be, and the happier we are.

True Freedom
The greatest freedom comes with even more strings attached.  In fact, it is the exact opposite of what I got so excited about when I read that book.  Instead of being set free to do whatever I wanted, I was given responsibility for others, being tied down to my family, my employees, and my patients -- and then to God.  God brings people together for unity, power, and happiness.  The Prophet Joseph Smith explained how happiness is being bound to God:

“Happiness is the object and design of our existence; and will be the end thereof, if we pursue the path that leads to it; and this path is virtue, uprightness, faithfulness, holiness, and keeping all the commandments of God.”

I wanted freedom from responsibility, but I got freedom of responsibility.  I wanted to do everything I wanted, but had to give up all I wanted.  I was asking for one thing, but got the opposite because I didn't know what I really wanted.  God was merciful and loving by not giving me what I thought I wanted, but rather what I really wanted, but couldn't understand.  I couldn't see how freedom comes from sacrifice.

Sacrificing our will brings us closer to God.  He has all knowledge and all power so when we're connected to Him, we participate in what He has.  A relationship with God is built over time as we bind ourselves to Him, submitting completely to Him, not doing our own pleasures or desires, but rather only His will.  This is the ultimate synergy, as it leads us to infinity where there is no end to our potential.  Paradoxically, the more we are bound to God, the more we are empowered to become ourselves because we learn the truth about ourselves.  Now, I'm happier than ever!  I love the freedom of responsibility because I love the connections of the heart!  I love truth!

Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed;
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
(John 8:31-32)

Finding Faith in "Quantum Spookiness"

Recent events mark a new era in physics -- and reality.  The concept of pairs of particles that are "entangled," meaning they exist in opposite states has been around for over 80 years.  This is where creation of one particle has "an equal and opposite" particle to balance it.  If one is "up" the other is "down" and so forth.  If the first changes to "down" the other is instantly "up."  There is no communication between them, it just happens.  The theory goes that they exist in some "wave" state of both at the same time, and when observation occurs, it "becomes" one or the other state, while the other particle is always the opposite.  Einstein dubbed this "quantum spookiness" because they have no way to communicate to each other.

Schrodigner's Cat
When Schrodinger heard about this, he coined the term "entanglement" to illustrate the notion that paired particles have a connection.  He devised a way of explaining it with a cat in a box that had cyanide which could be released by the random decay of a radioactive substance.  The thought experiment says that quantum entanglement is like the cat being both alive and dead at the same time, until the observer opens the box, at which point it becomes one or the other.  It's the observer that creates the reality which existed in both states before it was observed.  He meant to point out the absurdity of Einstein's idea, but actually seems to be the case.

In a 1935 paper, Albert Einstein explained that if indeed the "quantum spookiness" existed, then our concept of reality must be changed.  Our entire reality in physics is based on a constant, C, the speed of light, which is the basis of our concept of time.  It has always been assumed that there can be no communication faster than the speed of light, but, now everything has changed.  While it seemed clear since the time of Einstein that it was true, "quantum entanglement" has finally been "proven" experimentally with a certainty of 1/170,000,000!  (I never trust statistics, truth is always true, 100%, and anything less than that is incomplete, at best.  However, this is the best we can do at this point because our ability to observe is not yet 100%.)

Changing reality
Truth is what it is and never changes, but our understanding of it may change dramatically.  There are many paradoxes wherever people are trying to discover truth, such as in science and religion.  The paradoxical nature of truth happens because our interpretations of our observations are either incomplete, or just plain wrong.  It's not the data, it's the interpretation of the data that create the irreconcilable differences among seekers of truth.  This is why there is a competition between science and religion.  Each claims to know the truth, or can explain reality, using the same data with mutually incompatible interpretations.  However, as more data is gathered, both are forced to come together.

Reality also exists outside of our ability to experience it.  One of the issues of the idea of "quantum spookiness" is that of time.  To God, time doesn't exist so He has a reality much different than we know.  Now, quantum physics is leading us to begin to understand the world of God.  Our constant "C" has broken-down.  We now know that the speed of light is just a special case of waves of energy traveling through a medium of photons.  What we thought were limits no longer are limits; amazingly, the Universe has no speed limit!

Time vs. Decision
Time doesn't exist in the Universe, it is an anomaly of our own sphere of existence in the state of matter in which we currently reside.  Our dimension includes time, but outside of our observation of a sequence of events it doesn't exist at all.  Since there really is no sequence of events, all things exist simultaneously in a different dimension I call "decision."  Allow me a simple illustration.

Kehli asked about any stories I had about tithing, and receiving blessings.  I told her a story from when I was in college, the details of which escape me, but the concept is intact.  I had about $20 and was told that by giving it away, I would be able to receive more.  This was my last bit of money, and there was more than a week before I got paid.  I decided to test the hypothesis, and gave my last dollar.  The next day, I received a $50 check from my mom (who rarely wrote, and even more rarely sent money) saying that she thought I might need it.  I took it as a gift from God, my mom being the angel, or servant of God.

If we analyze this, we see that in order for me to give away the $20 on Sunday, and receive a $50 check on Monday, the check would have had to have been in the mail at least a few days before I decided, or actually gave away my $20.  Indeed, the date on the check, the postmark, and the letter would all have pre-dated my decision to donate my last dollar.  Therefore, logically, if I had not given away the money, I would have had $70 on Monday, instead of $50.  However, the reality changes in the quantum world (God's world) not with time, but rather with decision.  All possibilities exist at the same time, until a decision is made, at which point all the factors line up throughout "time" to create that reality.  In other words, if I had not made the decision to give away my last $20, the check from mom would not have been in the mail, and I would have received no letter at all on Monday, or perhaps there would have been a letter with no check accompanying it.

Schrodinger's cat is actually neither alive nor dead until there is a decision to make an observation.  Neils Bohr said that the "fixed" position didn't require a human observer, but rather any instrument that could measure it.  Likewise, our reality becomes fixed at the moment we make the decision.  We don't have to actually see or observe the entire chain of events that creates it, all we need to do is decide.  The decision is called faith, which exists outside of time and therefore cannot be observed as a sequence of events until the actual decision is made.  It is choice that creates reality, not sequence.  This is why scientists struggle so much to learn basic concepts of reality -- they try to take choice out of the equation and only look at sequence.

Religion vs. Science
God has no time.  There is no sequence of events.  All things happen simultaneously.  The cause and effect we observe in time is all wrong.  We can reproduce it all we want, but that's only a special case because we are observing it -- like Schrodinger's cat -- observing it makes it so.  But if we have faith, we can move into the quantum world where there is no time, where all things are possible, where miracles happen miraculously, and were we can have power beyond any current comprehension.  What researchers at the US National Institute of Standards and Technology discovered is the next level of science -- timelessness.  This is something that the prophets of God have already known for millennia, as the Prophet Alma stated 2089 years ago,

"...all is as one day with God, and time only is measured unto men."
(Alma 40:8)

So, it takes over 2000 years for us to discover with our crude instruments and constraints of time what we could have known by faith already.  The moment we decide to use faith to gain knowledge our reality changes.  We are no longer subject to the arguments and misinterpretations of others.  We begin to understand truth as it exists -- outside of the dimension of time.  God has given us this knowledge, if we will decide to use it.  Again, the Apostle Paul stated this almost 2000 years ago:

"He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.  And he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:"  (Ephesians 4:10-15)

In 1856 W.W. Phelps published, 23 years before the birth of Einstein, a poem that describes the relativity of time and space, and contains the answer to the "quantum singularity."  He tells us the problem with E=MC2 is the "C."   It doesn't really exist.  It is only a special case.  Now, over a hundred years later, science is just beginning to understand.  Quantum entanglement will change the nature of physics even more than quantum mechanics changed Newtonian physics.

Eventually, I believe science will catch up to religion, and we will "all come in the unity of the faith," to the same conclusions about our observations and data.  I am in constant amazement watching scientists do the math, and eventually coming to what God had revealed to prophets since the beginning of time.  I think it's incredible that using such crude tools as numbers and lasers man can discover Eternal truths.  There's more than one way to kill Schrodinger's cat.  But, I don't want to wait for another 100 years for them to figure it out, so instead, I'll "speak the truth in love," and walk the path of faith in God.

The Greatest Sex EVER!

The climax of human indulgence has never been so high.  In modern society we are able to fulfill every whim like never before in the history of mankind.  Every sensory organ or nerve can be stimulated to the highest degree, or suppressed to the lowest.  Even the least of us can live in constant comfort, with everything we need to satisfy every desire.  We keep our ambient temperature exact, we bathe every day in warm water, we can have pictures of all that we like to see before our eyes, we can hear any music, entertainment, or speech we want to hear at all times, our taste buds are stimulated to the fullest at every meal at which time we fill our bellies to overflowing, and we can smell anything we want.  We have pills to take us up, put us down, or make us sideways.  There is no end to our ability to indulge.

This is just as true of sexual indulgence.  Our children are taught, if not at home then by society, that sexual indulgence is best in youth, that sex with strangers is better than a spouse, and that there is no need to be married.  The problem with this teaching is that it only scratches the surface of what a real relationship can be.  Sex, as taught by society is little more than mutual masturbation.  It is using others for self-indulgence on an emotional level.  The need to connect with others emotionally seems like it could be fulfilled in a sexual relationship, bypassing the actual relationship of the heart.

Society teaches many myths about sexual relations.  Besides being supple and energetic in youth, we are also told more is better, and that different positions, partners and places bring more enjoyment or satisfaction.  All that we are taught is the lowest level of selfishness, and can never come close to the truth.  Sex is merely the token of marriage, the union of a man and a woman.  The token is not the real thing, it is only a portion, or a shadow of what can be.  The only achievement we get from the token is orgasm, which gets old, boring and unfulfilling.  It feels good for a few seconds, but that's the end.

When I am hungry because I haven't eaten anything in several days, jelly beans may taste good, but they don't fill the need for food, nor are they satisfying.  Changing to a different flavor of jelly bean still won't satisfy.  Superficial sexual relationships are like jelly beans, we may briefly get sweet flavor, but we can't live on them.  Our emotional needs are not filled at all, even though it seems like they should be because it feels good.  Those who indulge in pictures or movies to feel stimulated also have such issues.  They taste good, but don't satisfy.  Moreover, those who live by indulging their tastes become weaker, and sickly.  They cannot sustain it long, and lose the ability, or even the desire for sex.  

Married or not, most people remain as dependent children trying to get their own needs filled by others, hoping, like a dope addict, that this next time will be real.  Many give up hope, becoming depressed, or suffer with anxiety or become bitter about life, being angry all the time.  They are like Mick Jagger who said, "I can't get no satisfaction [sic]."  They continue to live without the hope of completion, fulfillment, or satisfaction.

Love
On the other hand, there are those few who are willing to make a sacrifice of their own heart.  They learn to love, and develop trust with their spouse over time.  They work hard to give instead of take.  They pray for help from God to teach them love and trust.

What makes a great sexual relationship is love and trust that comes from experience.  The real thing is the connection that we achieve as we become one from the heart.  The human being is not complete as a single individual, a whole organism is a man and a woman together.  We start out as individuals and gradually grow together emotionally to become one.  This mystic unity is where this greatest experience of sex takes place.  It is a gift of the heart that brings real satisfaction and fulfillment.  Sex is the physical token of the unity of the heart, and when both are present, we are filled.

True love is unselfish.  Our needs are less important when we look for the spiritual growth of our spouse.  As we grow individually, we also grow closer together, eventually becoming one.  This process is so difficult, it's like climbing Mount Everest.  So few achieve it that almost nobody is aware of the possibility.  Moreover, those who do become one generally don't write a book or go out and teach classes on how to do it.  It is something very personal that only two can share with God.  It is the creation of wholeness, a whole human being, a new birth.

This new life is like a child that is nurtured and grows continually.  It is a whole new emotional and spiritual world, filled with wonder and excitement -- the world of love.  It never gets old, and never dies.  What people seek through changing partners, positions, and places can only truly be found in the realm of true love, freed from all selfish desires, wants, and needs.  Paradoxically, this freedom can only come when we are a whole being, man and woman, bound to each other.

Teaching unity
Others may notice that a couple has a good relationship on the outside, but they never know what is on the inside.  They can't see the heart, nor can they see the pains that the couple went through to bring this new life into the world.  Because unity is so rare and so personal almost nobody is around to teach the children about it.  Children may be told the steps, but they can't understand what they mean because they haven't experienced it so they most often go with what they know, which is indulgence.

A proper sex education must include an example of unity in marriage, as well as the steps to the greatest of all, not just the animal desires.  This is ideally taught in the home, as parents have gone through the steps and have become one so the children have a good example.  This is the best instruction of all.  When children grow up with parents that are of one heart, they will come to know and expect that.  Since most of us don't witness the world of completeness, we need to learn the hard way.  It's like a language, if we grow up speaking English, then we grasp it easily, but when we don't we need to take specific steps to learn it -- with a lot of effort.

All improvement requires four steps:

1. A good goal
2. A true plan
3. A real commitment
4. An equal sacrifice

A Good Goal
Every couple can become one if they are willing to set a goal to do so.  This is not automatic, it is consciously undertaken, and painstakingly achieved through continual effort.  It's not just being compatible, it is a choice the two of them make.  Most don't know it's possible so they can't make it a goal.

A True Plan
If I want to learn to play the piano, it would not be enough to buy a piano.  I would need to make a true plan that includes instruction and practice.  Likewise, there must be a plan laid out to achieve unity.  This would, of course, begin with marriage.  If our plan is to get married, and then do all that we can to fulfill the covenant of marriage, it is so much more than sex or having children.  A plan to fulfill the covenant of marriage must include learning to love, and developing trust.  These go together, but most have a backwards plan: you need to trust me.  The real plan must be: what can I do every day to earn your trust?  Trust develops over a long time of experience of being trustworthy.  No lying.  No cheating.  No seeking selfish desires.  Giving instead of taking.  Sacrificing ourselves.  Whatever includes these will be a true plan.

A Real Commitment
Since this is the highest achievement of mankind, becoming fully human, complete, and whole, it requires the greatest commitment of all.  This is a do-or-die endeavor.  It is 100% -- you must be ALL in or you won't reach it.  A half-hearted effort to climb Mount Everest may lead to disaster, but will not be rewarded with success.  This is why marriage is essential, ideally forever.  Those who are sealed together in the House of the Lord extend their commitment beyond death, seeking a truly permanent union.  I was explaining this to a friend many years ago and she said, "Why would I want to be with him forever?!  It's hard enough just until death!"  She didn't want unity with her husband, and wasn't willing to make a real commitment with her heart.

An Equal Sacrifice
The sacrifice must be equal to the desired goal.  If we want everything, then we must sacrifice everything.  The actual sacrifice we must make is our whole heart.  Most expect our spouse to make a sacrifice before we are willing to do the same.  This plan will never work.  We must continually ask ourselves if our pride is more important than the relationship.  Are we letting our own needs get in the way?  Time allows us to change as we learn to give instead of taking.

"Be one"
Becoming one is worth all the effort we can muster.  It is far more than worth giving up our selfish needs.  It is a confinement like no other.  It's more important than any work or accomplishment we can do.  It's better than being a king, president, or ruler.  It's more important than a prophet or seer.  It's more fulfilling than wealth or riches of any kind.  Indeed, it is the only truly human achievement -- it's how we become fully human.  Unity is the greatest human experience of all -- becoming whole, complete, and fulfilled, the very definition of happiness!

Those who have not experienced the wonders of two hearts knit together in love can never understand how awesome it is.  There is nothing like it in the world.  It is Heaven in the highest degree.  It is fully-satisfying, and rich, and wonderful.  Best of all, it continues to grow and get better.  It fills.  It fulfills.  It satisfies.  ...and it lasts forever.  There is nothing in the world to compare with unity.  There is no comfort, no taste, no smell, no excitement, no power, nothing in the world even comes close.  The greatest sex of all is sharing physical unity with the person who holds our heart forever; where two are so intertwined, even death cannot separate us, a true physical expression of how we feel in our hearts.  Having a partner in love is more like a gourmet meal when we are hungry, truly filling the need, and bringing real satisfaction. And most importantly, everyone can get this  satisfaction, if they are willing to make the effort.

Princess Movies

Several days ago, my daughter and I watched a newer version of Alice in Wonderland which has caused me much thought.   The story was re-interpreted in a way that allowed me to see how movies portray gender today.  In this version, Alice is taken to her very posh surprise engagement party where she runs away from her suitor, follows the rabbit down the hole, and slays the Jabberwocky with a sword.  She then returns, tells her suitor that she will not marry him, and becomes a partner in her father's business.

The princess  movies of former times always ended with the princess marrying the prince, and living happily ever after.  A movie wasn't fulfilling unless they ended up together.  The prince is the hero, and rescues the princess in distress.  They fall in love and are together forever.  It just needs to be this way.  These include:
Jasmin
Aurora
Rapunzel
Snow White
Ariel

Now, everything has changed.  The new stories have the princess being the hero and not needing the prince.  She can say no to any man and manage her life on her own.  She doesn't need to be rescued; she can slay the dragon all by herself.  The pattern is much more common now.

Brave is about a young princess, Merida, who is told she needs to choose between the princes of other tribes for political reasons.  She becomes an expert with a bow and wins the competition, and doesn't need any of the whimps that she is told to marry.

In another movie, the army captain is going to make a man out of Mulan, who ends up being the hero and saving all of China from the Huns.

In the movie Frozen the two princesses remain independent.  I asked my 13-year-old daughter about that and she said, "...because Elsa has power."

The difference is striking.  These movies are meant to build the pride of girls, to give them self-esteem.  Girls should learn to be powerful and independent, and not be needy, an essential lesson for anyone.  The ability to care for yourself is a very important part of growing up.  The first big milestone to maturity is independence.

Lesser goals
However, I feel like the message is a lesser one because it stops at the lower level.  Independence is only the first stop on the journey of maturity.  We start as infants, completely dependent on others for everything, but grow up to become independent and able to take care of ourselves.  Then, the next step allows us to grow infinitely more by caring for others, starting with a spouse, and then possibly adding children.  If we tell children about independence, then they may assume that is the goal, and stop there, not moving on to real growth.

The purpose of independence is to be able to care for others.  "No man is an island," we all need one another to learn and grow.  A beehive is a complete organism, an individual bee is not.  Likewise, neither a man nor a woman is a complete organism, it is only both of them together that form a whole being.  The woman needs the man as much as the man needs the woman.

Life is a series of births.  We're born into this world to parents who care for us, feed us, and teach us to take care of ourselves.  We then get married and have children and do the same for them.  However, each step is a start.  After we become independent, we are ready to get married and take on responsibility for another.  This is another birth.  We are infants in the relationship, completely dependent on our spouse.  As we grow and mature, we become more independent, emotionally, allowing us to truly love our spouse.  Love is not dependence, it is a proactive choice that brings inter-dependence.  This goal is the greatest of all human achievements.  Those who learn to love by giving their whole hearts to their spouse can become one, forming a whole person.

While the old princess movies were childish about relationships, the new independent princesses are a step backwards.  The natural progression of growth includes:

Dependence --> Independence --> Dependent love --> Independent Love --> unity

Higher goals
The highest expression of humanity is unity.  Dependence is a need for others to fill your needs.  Independence is powerful because you can fill you own needs.  The next step actually seems backwards, becoming dependent on a spouse, but it is really birth into a new existence.  The two are starting on a journey to unity, becoming complete and whole.  While the old princess stories were about a new birth into love, the new stories are about becoming independent -- the step prior.

While independence is an important part of maturity, it is not an end, but rather a transition.  I just found it interesting that the goals that the new movies give to children are no longer about love and marriage, but rather selfish goals of independence.

On the other hand, learning these lessons can be a good thing.  As long as we teach our children that the goal of life is to become complete and whole with our spouse there is no problem with learning to be strong and independent.  The child will understand that the next step is to get married and start a new life together.  In fact, her ability to be strong and independent may allow them to progress to a more mature love, and eventually to unity.  I guess, just like anything, it depends on the interpretation, and the individual situation.

Love Your Enemies

Ironically, from an eternal perspective one of our purposes here is to take on as much injustice as possible.  The more merciful we are, the more mercy we have.  This is a gift given to us by our enemies.  Our friends can't help us in this way.  When we learn why, we will all love those who hurt us more than those who bless us.

The Law of Justice
Justice is a law even above God.  In order for God to have power, He must be obeyed.  Everything in the Universe obeys Him, doing His will, and honoring Him, which gives Him all power.  The Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith that "...honor... is my power..." (D&C 29:36)  An essential part of this honor is that God is a just God; His word is honored because He is perfectly just.  Alma the Younger explains this to his son,  "Now the work of justice could not be destroyed; if so, God would cease to be God." (Alma 42:13)

Because of this, we are left with a conundrum, how can the suffering of one pay for the sins of another?  It isn't just that the perpetrator get off scot-free while some one else suffers for wrongdoing.  Alma explains this to His son, "Now there is not any man that can sacrifice his own blood which will atone for the sins of another. Now, if a man murdereth, behold will our law, which is just, take the life of his brother? I say unto you, Nay.  But the law requireth the life of him who hath murdered;" (Alma 34:11-12)  In other words, we cannot pay for the sins of another, it isn't fair.

The Law of Mercy
The law of mercy is the "loophole" in the law of justice.  Everything in the Universe must balance, every debt must be paid, every wrong righted, and and all suffering recompensed.  It works both ways.  We are told about the lower law of justice, where a judge sentences one to suffer for his errors and illegal activities, but don't consider that justice also includes that we must receive recompense for all innocent suffering.  It is the flip-side of the same coin.  We can ask for favors to be paid to us when we suffer for the misdeeds of others innocently.  It is only fair.  It is just, and therefore required of God.

When we do not require payment for the mistakes of another that caused us damage, we are giving mercy.  Like everything else, mercy is on a scale.  At the lower end, we don't exact payment for the innocent mistakes of others who hurt us, and on the top end we do not require payment for those who spitefully use us and persecute us.  The more we innocently suffer, the more we may live in the law of mercy.  If we innocently suffer, and do not seek revenge or payment for the wrongdoings of others who are intending to hurt us, we are living the highest law of justice.  The effect of this is nothing short of miraculous!

Building our account
The scales must be balanced.  God is perfectly just.  He will not let any dirty deed go unpunished.  Nor will He let any good deed go by without a reward.  The best way to obtain mercy is by being in the law of mercy, and that is not accusing or seeking payment for suffering.  If we truly suffer innocently, and allow it without exacting repayment for our suffering, then there is a deficit of justice in our favor.  We can actually, or theoretically, create a debt of justice that is owed to us because we never took payment for suffering.  The greater the deficit, the greater the blessing.  Because of the evil nature of the world, we could, by the end of our lives, build a huge bank account of innocent suffering!

But it isn't true.  Since we are not innocent, we can never have a positive account with God.  If we feel we have suffered more than we have given suffering to others, the final judgment will show us that we have not.  First of all, we are lost and fallen through transgression.  We have no right to return to God, no matter how much we have suffered.  Second, though we may suffer, our suffering ends, it is finite, but when we cause others to suffer, it may be infinite.  A word to another that causes him to suffer may be passed-on for generations.  The ripples we cause in the water cannot be stopped.  Third, most of our suffering is self-inflicted so there can be no debt.  And fourth, we get immediate payment for our all our obedience and good deeds.  "he doth require that ye should do as he hath commanded you; for which if ye do, he doth immediately bless you; and therefore he hath paid you. And ye are still indebted unto him, and are, and will be, forever and ever; therefore, of what have ye to boast?" (Mosiah 2:24)  We can never be positive.

The true purpose for having mercy on others is that it puts us in the law of mercy.  "Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy." (Matthew 5:7)  Being in the law of mercy allows us to be with Christ, His sons and His daughters, and partake of His mercy.  Those who insist on justice will receive justice, and will find that their accounts are very negative, no matter how much they suffered in the world.  Our only way out is to be merciful to others, "relying wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save." (2 Nephi 31:19)

Jesus Christ
God uses the law of mercy for all of us to receive salvation no matter what egregious errors we have committed, wrongs we have done, or hurt we have caused.  It all starts with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He marked the path, and led the way by actually doing what He said, "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;" (Matthew 5:44)  He innocently suffered humiliation and pain in the flesh, and forgave those who caused it in every way, even offering them salvation from their own suffering.

The next level is even more amazing!  He suffered the pains of a damned soul, though He had never committed any sin.  "Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit — and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink..." (D&C 19:18)  He didn't want to, but did it to be obedient to God.  It was the will of God.  His Father, God, your God and my God, caused His suffering.  He suffered Eternal torment, God's suffering.  Yet He was innocent of any sin, transgression, or wrongdoing.  This creates a huge hole in the law of justice.  It isn't fair that He suffer innocently.  This wrong must be righted.  Jesus Christ created a huge debt with the Father, who must repay every bit to balance the scales.  God cannot allow the punishment to go unrewarded, or He would cease to be God.

Jesus Christ has perfect love.  At the final judgment, He stands at the bar, our advocate before God, the just Judge, and says:  "Father, behold the sufferings and death of him who did no sin, in whom thou wast well pleased; behold the blood of thy Son which was shed, the blood of him whom thou gavest that thyself might be glorified; Wherefore, Father, spare these my brethren that believe on my name, that they may come unto me and have everlasting life." (D&C 45:4-5)  His payment includes bringing us with Him into the Kingdom of God to have everlasting life.  This is His love for us.

Only those who are "[His] brethren that believe on [His] name" will take part.  He asks for His reward to be given to those He loves, His friends.   It's not random or arbitrary, all is done according to the law, and must be done perfectly.  Not everyone benefits, only those who repent and take upon themselves His name can take part in His reward.  "For this is my blood of the new testament, which is shed for many for the remission of sins." (Matthew 26:28)  When sinners repent of their sins and become lawful, they are enabled to live with God, so they qualify to receive this gift from Christ.  Each must be living the law of mercy by forgiving all offenses.

True followers
The true followers of Christ are seeking for ways to forgive everyone.  The Lord explained, "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake.  Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." (Matthew 5:11-12)  There can be no bitterness or rancor towards one who hurts us, nor can we wish them ill or hope that God repays them for their unkind deeds.  Instead, we gratefully acknowledge them, that they are willing to suffer, taking upon themselves our sins, suffering Eternal torment so that we can be saved from the same fate by teaching us to be merciful.  We hope that they repent of their sins through the mercy of the Lord, Jesus Christ so they also may be saved from suffering.  And, we thank the Lord for our enemies, that they allow us to learn how to be merciful.  Our friends could never help us in this manner.  It is our enemies that put us in the law of mercy and allow us to receive mercy from the Lord.  This is why, and how, we love our enemies.

Marriage and Happiness

I have had an ongoing discussion with my son about marriage.  He insists there is no need for marriage, and I have a hard time explaining it in a way that he would understand.  Using metaphors and analogies can be helpful, but they don't convey the reality of marriage to one who has not experienced it any more than a description of a Mozart sonata would really help anyone who has never heard one.  In spite of this, I would like to venture to elaborate on the seven reasons for marriage, in no particular order.

• Love
• Security
• God
• Children
• Fun
• Connection
• Happiness

Love
Marriage is about true love.  Only within the bonds of marriage can we really love another.  It is the covenant we make that allows us to learn to get outside of ourselves and truly love another.  Without the commitment, we only do what we want, what we like, or seek fulfillment, and don't really learn to love.  However,with a real commitment we can truly love our spouse with all our hearts, which leads to peace, joy and happiness.

Security
People often seek security in having money, land, houses, or other material goods.  Others want their employer or the government to provide a "safety net" in their lives.  Marriage, however, is the best way to have safety and security.  Being able to depend on another person who loves you gives more sense of security than even the government with all its power and resources.  True love removes all fear, allowing real peace and contentment.

God
There are two kinds of power in the Universe, constructive, and destructive.  A close bond with a spouse allows us to come to know God in a deeper way than we can without marriage.  The couple makes a complete human being, and together with God they are empowered to reproduce, taking part in creation with Him.  In every way, marriage brings with it the power of God, which is always constructive.  We cannot begin to understand God unless we share experiences with Him.  Marriage allows this to happen in two ways -- love and creation.

Children
Marriage naturally allows children into the world.  Children help the couple to experience more of life.  We learn more as we teach.  Parenting is the process of teaching the children, helping them to grow up in all areas of life: mental, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical, and so forth.  As the parents help their children to grow they not only learn a deeper love, but also improve themselves in all these areas.  Each child is different, and will necessarily give the parents different experiences.

Fun
Those who marry have more fun in life because they have more experience.  Each in a couple gets to live more as they experience the world of their spouse.  Moreover, they get to re-live their childhood as their children grow up and learn.  There is nothing more fun than going to plays, games, recitals, and other activities of children, and being totally interested and absorbed in the outcome.  Disneyland isn't fun unless you can bring a child.  Experiencing life through our children as they discover the world is truly fun!  Fun isn't fun unless it is shared.  Marriage allows us to share everything, making all of life fun.

Connection
Probably the best part of being married is having a connection with another.  We only really become complete and whole as we become one with our spouse.  The experience of unity is the most wonderful part of being human.  It is fulfilling like no other human accomplishment can be.  No amount of success, power, money, or fame could even come close to the fulfillment of marriage.  Feeling complete and whole, comfortable and content is worth thousands of times more than all the wealth in the world!  What is amazing is that every single individual has access to this connection no matter where, who, or what they are.

Happiness
Ultimately, the purpose of existence is happiness.  God has children, us, and provides for us, teaches us, and sacrifices for us so that we can be happy.  A man nor a woman can be happy alone.  Becoming perfect, or complete, requires a man and a woman, which make up a whole human being.  Marriage is the path to happiness.  It is hard, to be sure, in fact, it is the hardest endeavor of life because is requires the greatest sacrifice.  All other ventures in life are temporary, at best, and not nearly as fulfilling.  Even our children will, hopefully, grow up and leave us as they get married and become complete, raising their own children.  A marriage, however, is made to be forever as we become one with another, forming the foundation of happiness.

The price of marriage
The hard part of marriage is the sacrifice required.  The expectations of fulfillment, love and unity are not given to us by our spouse, but rather achieved as we sacrifice ourselves, giving up all we are in our heart in order to become one with her, or him.  The sacrifice of the heart is the wants, needs and desires that are deep inside.  "I want..." is a selfish way to live and doesn't lead to unity and happiness.  This is why "living together" or any other false marriage cannot lead to happiness.  None of the goals of marriage can be reached without the commitment.  Only as we give up all the things we want can we achieve this higher level of existence.  Unity is achieved only as this is desired more than everything else.  Marriage offers the most opportunities to learn to love, as well as the deepest love as we give up all that we are inside in order to become one with our spouse.  It is the greatest achievement of all of humanity.  It is more important than being a world leader, a spiritual healer, a philanthropist, or any businessman.  Those may be good, but achieving a marriage of unity is so far ahead, hands-down, millions of times better.  There is no comparison.

Of course it's hard, but anyone can do it.  There is nothing in the world to stop it.  While we can become distracted by the cares of the world such as money, business, children, play, friends, parents, and all the other things that can get in the way, these also must be sacrificed for unity to be achieved.  It is an accomplishment like no other.  It is worth all the sacrifices we make, a thousand times over.  But what is most amazing is that it is the right of every person on the Earth.  While our pride may make it hard, in reality it's the easiest thing in the world, and it is within the grasp of every individual.  It's as easy as letting go.  Indeed, marriage is unique as the only thing on the Earth worth all of our best efforts, while at the same time being simple.  It is the hardest and at the same time the easiest.  It is most uncommon and at the same time most common.  It is the best of humanity, and the only way to fulfillment.

The hardest part about writing this is to end what is endless, knowing that none will understand who have not experienced it.  Hopefully, these can believe that it isn't random, and have a desire to seek marriage, or if they are already married, to decide to put their marriage at the top of their list of things to do.  If anyone can hope for fulfillment and desire to achieve it, they can begin to work on it by letting go of their wants, needs, and desires so they can love.  It's that simple, but I can promise that such efforts will bring the most wonderful results!