Growing up in Grace

"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." (1 Corinthians 13:11)

Those who are immature divide people into classes and categories by what they see. They call some good and acceptable because of things they say or do, or by how they look, while others are rejected. Maturity, on the other hand, brings all things together. It is loving and accepting. It takes the good with the bad, wholeheartedly. This is grace.

As a child

Children are born not knowing the contrasts of the world, good and evil, strengths and weakness. They have to be taught, by precept and example, what is acceptable, and what is not. A child will accept whatever is taught to him. He doesn't see black or white, bond or free, Christian or Atheist, because he doesn't know the characteristics. At first, it's just people. As a child comes to know the contrasts of life his individual tastes start to change his vision. We call this "the terrible twos" (I always thought it was "the terrific twos") because the child begins to assert his own personality. He has rough edges. He is strong in some ways, and weak in others. This contrast gradually increases as we grow.

If weakness in a child is cause for rejection, the child will hide his weaknesses. This prevents him from growing up and becoming a man. The characteristic of children is insecurity because they learn to divide people within and without, meaning by individuals and groups. The world is black and white. The problem is that the child has this same contrast within himself. He has good and bad. He is what he sees, and thus becomes insecure in himself. He must accept the good and reject the bad. In doing so he rejects a part of himself. He is bad. He is evil. He must be rejected. He cannot be loved. This causes a great deal of insecurity.

Mirror, Mirror

"For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

As we grow up and learn to hide our weaknesses and imperfections we may appear to be acceptable, but the problem is that they still exist, and are destructive to those around us. We can't see them because they are hidden from our view, but others see them, and we see them in others. Others mirror what we are inside, even the hidden parts. When we understand that concept we begin to look at the weaknesses in others differently -- as a blessing.

The immaturity and rough edges in the children of all ages is exactly the thing that helps us to grow for two reasons. First, childish behaviors are the mirror for us to see ourselves, what we have hidden, and hidden from, since childhood to avoid rejection, allowing us to deal with our weaknesses in a real way, taking them to God, who makes us strong.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

In dealing with children, in loving them with all of their strengths and weaknesses, indeed, loving them for all of their perfect imperfections, we see ourselves in them and can begin to grow up. The childish, rude, irresponsible, and destructive behavior of others is the mirror we need to see ourselves and grow up. Before we learn to have Charity, the pure love of Christ, we can only see what we are so that which we see in others is ourselves they are our mirrors. This is the key to growth. If we take what we see in others, and apply it to ourselves we can know the ways we need to grow, and pray for grace.

Second, we learn grace.

Becoming a man

In the immature, weaknesses are dealt with in two ways. Ignoring them, or attacking them. We either pick at our parents, spouses, children or siblings, feeling the need to correct the imperfections, or we pretend they don't exist, trying to look at only the "good." In becoming a man we put away childish things, neither correcting, nor ignoring weaknesses.

Grace is when we take a person as a whole and love them, all of them. We don't parse out the parts we love, rejecting the parts we hate. We just love in entirety. This is not like "falling in love" where we ignore or neglect to see the weaknesses, seeing a person as "perfect." Instead, we see the whole person, warts and all, and take all her curves and edges into our hearts, not as a distasteful "I'll take the bitter because I love the sweet" but rather because we love the whole. Grace is so hard to learn. Few people have this gift that loves completely. It is a characteristic of God.

The grace of God

To become a man is to have grace, and to bring together. Indeed, the Lord Himself, about whom Pilate said, "Behold the man!" (John 19:5) performed the Atonement to bring together all that is in one. To bring all people together. To bring all things, virtue and vice, light and darkness, pleasure and pain, good and evil, together -- to make His Kingdom whole.

God has grace. He doesn't ignore evil; He doesn't pretend there are no weaknesses, nor does He attack or reject them. He loves us whole. He loves all we are. He loves our individuality. He loves our strengths and weaknesses. He does not divide us by saying, "I love this part of you, but hate that part." He loves the entire person, whatever we are. When we understand the love of God for us, we lose our insecurity. We don't have to reject what we are because He doesn't. We know we are encircled in the arms of His love, acceptable, accepted, loved with all His heart.

Grace for grace

"Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God;" (D&C 121:45)

Grace in life is loving God with all of our hearts, the bitter with the sweet. He is creator of all things. He created Jesus Christ, who loved enough to suffer innocently for all of God's children, and He created Satan, who brings pride and suffering. He loves Jesus. He loves Satan. He loves the Creator, and He loves the Destroyer. We are in the middle, making choices to become ourselves. We need the contrast. We need both sides to see ourselves and become what we want to be. We need to feel joy, and sorrow. We need to see it all, from the highest to the lowest, from the darkest to the lightest, in order for us to make our own decisions that bring us into our place and makes us whole. We possess grace when we take all that is in our lives, the strengths and the weaknesses, the pleasure as well as the pain, and love it -- that's when we love God.

Life is Growth

Last week was a hard week with too much to do, and not enough time to do it all. I have three jobs, and one took me out of town to do a talk, with all its attendant preparation. The nursing home administrator called me in to tell me there was another layer of paperwork on all of my patients that I need to do in order to be compliant with the State regulations. And, we are growing our office, meaning laying off employees (which I hate to do) and hiring new ones. It's all so much to think about, on top of all of the patients that need care. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being a student. Being a student is great because you have a lot of pressure to get things done, but when finals are over, it's over, and there's nothing to do.

Nothing to do can be fun too. I look around at people who watch TV, or read books for fun, or go on Facebook, and I feel a little envious. Sometimes I wish I could be in prison or something where I didn't have to do anything at all -- just sit there. Of course, I'd get bored in short order, but I'd find something to do -- tasks that I like to do.

Doing only what I like to do is laziness. Laziness is a vice. Few are not lazy. But, we aren't lazy to do what we want, only what we don't want. In my office I really enjoy sitting and talking with people, helping them with their problems so I have no problem doing that, however, I hate the business side, and all the paperwork so it sits on my desk for weeks. These are things I know I need to do.

There are always things I know I need to do, but I don't do them because I don't want to grow. Growth is hard. I like doing what I'm good at. The things I like are the things I already know and don't need to change or grow. They're easy. They're fun. I'm good. I put in a huge effort to learn them, and now I want to enjoy the fruits of my labors.

God doesn't give us much, if any, time to enjoy the fruits of our labors. Once we learn one thing, it's time to move on an learn another, and then another, throughout our entire lives. There's no rest. There's no stopping. We go from grace to grace, or from lesson to lesson, with only occasional, and all-too-brief recesses in this mortal school.

I often forget that I'm in school here in mortality. It will end. I'm on probation and need to act accordingly. My learning and growth will determine my Eternity so I had better use my time wisely -- in growing and learning, and not in relaxing and enjoying. As soon as I learn one lesson, it's time to move on and learn another. Some lessons are that what I'm taught is not true, and I move on quickly.

I had to move on quickly in my medical training, for example. The medical school curriculum is simply algorithmic: a symptom defines a diagnosis which gets a drug, or referral to a specialist or surgical procedure. If there is no known treatment, send the patient to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants. I quickly moved on to find that illness wasn't cured with drugs, and there are principles of health that can reverse and remove the cause of disease. I had to work for ten years to learn these things.

It takes ten years to learn things, as a rule. I have been working in the business of medicine for about ten years, and I'm finally beginning to understand. The business grows as I grow. It is a reflection of me. It's my business. If it is doing well, then I'm doing well. If I'm sick, it is sick. I hire employees that I think will do well, and if they don't, it's because I'm not, they reflect me. When I'm ready to move on, then either the employees I have move on with me, or I find new ones that will perform as I perform. The business grows as I grow. I created it. It is me.

If it is truly me, then I have been trying to escape from myself. I have wanted to avoid the business. I have tried and tried to get someone else to run it, and take over all its functions so I can just do what I like to do: sit with people and help them with their problems. Laziness is escape from growth, but growth is life, so laziness is an attempt to escape from life. It is death. I have been double-minded in an attempt to escape from myself.

I no longer want to escape from myself. I want to grow. I want to learn. I want life! In order to do this, I need to focus all of my energy. I need to put my world in order. I need to put first things first. I need my business to grow with me. I need to make it reflect what I want. I need my home to reflect what I am. I need my family to be part of that. I'm not going to seek rest anymore, but growth!

PURE LOVE

I think the word "Priestcraft" defines my life up to now. Nephi defines it thus:

"He commandeth that there shall be no priestcrafts; for, behold, priestcrafts are that men preach and set themselves up for a light unto the world, that they may get gain and praise of the world; but they seek not the welfare of Zion.  (2 Nephi 26:29)

There are two essential elements to this:

1. Setting ones self up as a light to get gain (money), and praise of the world.

2. Not seeking the welfare of Zion.

In reality, my whole life is the very definition of "priestcraft."

Money, Praise, Honor, Glory

My purposes are all selfish. I am seeking my own in all things. All I do is calculated to "get gain and praise of the world." I set myself up as a light unto the world in so many ways:

I'm the greatest teacher in church that others can look to -- a light to the Church so I will be praised of men.

I'm the best doctor in town -- a light to the medical community so I can make more money and receive the accolades of my patients.

I'm the example others should follow -- a light to those who know me so I can be praised.

I'm the "diabetes expert" that the whole world can look to for salvation from diabetes (literally) -- a light to the world so I can get paid more and praised for my intelligence.

I write my blog for everyone to read how much I'm learning to set myself up as an exemplary Christian -- a light to the world for the honors of men.

I share the Gospel to be a light.

I pray in public to be a light.

I pay tithing and fast offerings to be a light.

I help others to be a light.

I perform priesthood ordinances to be a light.

I go to the Temple to be a light.

"Look at me!" I'm still childish. The Apostle Paul says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child..." (1 Corinthians 13:1)

 

The welfare of Zion

Zion is the pure in heart. I am not seeking the benefit of the pure in heart so much as my own benefit in so many ways. I am puffed-up in my own eyes. I am doing what I need to do for me, and not really for others. In blessing the lives of others, I want them to look to me for salvation.

The welfare of Zion is to point each person to Christ and allow them to look to Him for salvation.

Nephi goes on to explain how to stop doing priestcrafts:

 

"Behold, the Lord hath forbidden this thing; wherefore, the Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing. Wherefore, if they should have charity they would not suffer the laborer in Zion to perish. But the laborer in Zion shall labor for Zion; for if they labor for money they shall perish." (2 Nephi 26:30-31)

All about me

I was speaking with someone yesterday about this problem I have and she said, "What about me? How is this going to affect me?" And I realized that we all are in the same boat with a lack of charity. Everyone automatically interprets the experiences of others in their own way. We pick and choose the things we identify with, and miss what we don't already know or feel. I cannot really listen to others when it's all about me.

Depression is selfish. I have been depressed for many years, thinking "I want" "I feel" "I like" but I wasn't getting my needs met. I would walk around, not wanting to do anything because nothing was worth the effort, even having a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to die because I didn't want to continue to put in effort without the desired results. I'm not getting what I want. Depression is all about me.

Anxiety is selfish. Worry is concern that I won't get what I want. Fear of the future, or "what will happen to me." It's still all about me.

 

Un-selfish

Charity is just the opposite. It is filled with love for others and faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ. If we look at the way the Apostle Paul defines charity:

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Longsuffering

Kind

No envy

No vainglory

Not puffed up

Doesn't behave badly

Not all about me

Doesn't get angry easily

Doesn't think evil

Enjoys truth, not iniquity

Bears all things the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him

Believes all truth

Hopes all things

Endures all things

Wow! What a list! Every one of these could be summarized into one word: unselfish. This is what charity is all about: getting outside of yourself. I am quite sure that nobody can do it. We don't have the capacity to get outside of ourselves. We only know what we know, and cannot know what we haven't experienced. We are self-involved to the extreme. We don't have the capacity to understand anything outside of ourselves. A man cannot understand childbirth. A blind man cannot understand color. A deaf man cannot understand a Mozart requiem. We don't know what we're missing. We are self-absorbed necessarily at all times.

Receiving the gift

Charity cannot be learned, it is a gift given to those who follow the Lord, Jesus Christ. In setting aside our own wants, needs, and desires, and submitting to the will of God in all things, we do as He did. We won't understand. We cannot know beforehand where it will take us. We just blindly do as the Lord commands, and accept what happens to us, always giving thanks in all things. When we don't want to, we do it anyway. This is the training for charity. It is not learning, or earning the gift, but rather preparing to receive it. Mormon explains:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ;" (Moroni 7:48)

God bestows this gift. You can be a true follower of Jesus Christ, but you still must pray fervently for the gift of charity in order to receive it. This is because it isn't ours to take, it is His to give. We don't possess it, He does. It is not a present for us to open, but rather we take part in His gift of the Atonement. Charity is what He has. Charity is what He did. Moroni explains:

"And now I know that this love which thou hast had for the children of men is charity." (Ether 12:34)

Charity is not what we get, but the love that He had for everyone. When we receive the gift of charity, we take part in His love, in His grace, and in His sacrifice. It's not about me, it's about Him. The only way outside of ourselves is through what He did because we will not have to do it. We will never have to suffer as He did for others, innocently. If I suffer it is for my own sake so I will never, of myself, be able to understand the suffering of others. He suffered for others, all others; He descended below all things. He suffered all things. He bore all things. He endured all things. This is the love He had for all; it's called charity, and we can possess it through Him, and His grace and mercy.

The greatest

Thus, charity is the only way outside of yourself, unless you desire to suffer as He suffered. Yet, this is impossible because God is just, and would not let us suffer innocently. At the same time, we are not innocent, having committed sin, so we could never suffer innocently. Only Christ was innocent. Only He could effect the Infinite Atonement and get outside of Himself, suffering for others. So, we can only know it through Him.

"And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2)

"The Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing." (2 Nephi 26:30)

"And if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity." (Moroni 7:44)

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail -- But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him." (Moroni 7:46-47)

"Charity never faileth: but whether there be prophecies, they shall fail; whether there be tongues, they shall cease; whether there be knowledge, it shall vanish away... And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." (1 Corinthians 13:8,13)

Of all the gifts of which Paul speaks, three stay with us forever, faith, hope and charity, and the greatest of these is charity. For without charity we are nothing. Without the gift of His love, we are still selfish, but with His love we become part of Him, and that makes us great!

Obedience is exigent

In July of 1988 I was dating a woman, one of the residents in the ER at UCLA where I worked, named Debbie. She was not of my faith, or any faith, and had one goal: to get me to sleep with her. I was flattered that she, a doctor, wanted me, a lowly clerk, so I continued to see her. "I'm dating one of the doctors," I would tell my fellow clerks. One evening, I was praying and was told by the Holy Ghost to promise that I would only marry in the Temple and nowhere else. I knelt down and made that promise to God. Subsequently, I called Debbie and told her that we were from two different worlds, and she was not going to go into mine, and I didn't want to go into hers so we should stop dating. I was very proud of myself for not going down that path, for being obedient to God. (Fifteen years later I saw her at a medical conference... and walked right by.)

Within a couple of months I became a first-year medical student at UCLA. The over 100 students in the class spent a lot of time together, and we got to know each other well. Within weeks we were all separating into groups. We had about eight in our group, meeting for lunch and after classes to study together, and sometimes for sports or parties. However, gradually the students in our group started going to other groups, and only a girl named Michele and I were left together. That was fine with me because she was really cute, fun, and super smart. She could only bring me up in the ranks.

Michele and I spent every day together and soon started dating. We talked about religion and I told her about my convictions, she said, "It doesn't matter which church you go to, as long as you're a good person." I remember mentally crossing her off my list. However, one day she asked if she could go to church with me, and of course, I consented. Then, a few months later she asked if she could talk to the missionaries. I told her that I didn't want her to be uncomfortable asking questions so she could go alone. I think she went through four sets of sisters, because she really didn't understand the Gospel. She didn't believe. Then one day our young adult group was at Laurent's house in Bel Air watching a video of President Benson's talk on pride. Immediately after it ended she stood up and said, "I have an announcement, I'm going to be baptized next week on my birthday!" and she sat down. Everyone in the room was stunned because we all knew the struggle she was having with belief.

On the way home, I was driving her down the hill and questioning if she was ready. "You don't understand the Gospel; you don't believe in Joseph Smith; you don't believe in prophets and apostles; why do you want to be baptized, anyway?"

"Because I feel like it's the right thing to do!" was the profound reply.

I couldn't argue with that so she had her interviews and I baptized her on her birthday in 1989, June 6.

We continued to date, and in October we started to talk about marriage. I told her that we would have to wait until June because she had to be a member for at least a year in order to go to the temple. She learned that her parents would not be able to go into the temple and see her get married so she convinced me to move the date to December, and we could be sealed in the temple the following June. I consented to be married in her mom's little church in Riverside on December 16th, the day after our last final of the semester.

Seven years later, we had taken the Temple Prep course about as many times, and Michele said, "I don't think I'll ever understand it, I think we should just go to the temple and be sealed." So, we took our two children, Alex and Christopher, and went to the Los Angeles Temple were we were all sealed together.

Then, in September 2009 Michele announced she no longer wanted to be married. I tried to convince her that we could work it out, but she had already filed the papers. That night she said, "If you love something, set it free..." and the Spirit spoke to me, "That is true! Let her go." I couldn't believe what I was hearing! This is not right! No! It's all wrong! This is not how it's supposed to be! I promised I would never get divorced! It was a very tumultuous time, emotionally.

At about the same time, My best friend, Eddy, was diagnosed with lymphoma, again. He had been treated for it about seven years before, but it had returned. He quickly got worse over the next several months -- he was dying. His wife, Karyn, told me that she was worrying about me and Michele one day when the Spirit spoke to her, telling her that it was no coincidence that Eddy was dying and I was getting divorced at the same time. The Lord's timing is perfect. Eddy died in February, and the next June my divorce was final.

In the meantime, I was spending a lot of time with Karyn. I spoke at Eddy's funeral, and went to Utah several times to visit. She also came to see me in California several times. We brought all thirteen kids together and rented a cabin in Heber for a snowboard/snowmobile trip after Christmas that year. The next April we were married in her friend's house in Grantsville, Utah.

The next three years were also tumultuous, but in a very different way. I began to grow. I developed a heart. I learned was love is. I started to feel the Spirit. I began to be close to the Lord. I felt forgiven of my sins. I started to pray more earnestly, and my prayers were answered. I began to learn the ways of the world of business and leadership, providing direction and motivation to others, bringing people together to achieve a common goal. I was being guided by the Spirit in all things. I completely got rid of the "I'm OK and you're OK" philosophies I had developed. Instead of separating, I learned to bring people together. Instead of independence, I learned to love.

I immediately began to love Karyn, and soon felt love for her with all my heart, to a depth I never thought possible. And, the more I love her, the more I love God, my children, and those around me. It just keeps getting better! And, I can see into the future, that it will keep getting better forever and ever! I can see that my love is still immature, and over time will grow in different ways. It is so fulfilling to love and be loved.

With this contrast, I also realized that I had lived in a spiritual desert for twenty years. Though I did what I thought was right, I didn't know what was right, because I didn't have the gift of the Holy Ghost. I would feel Him sometimes, but not as a constant companion. Now, I know the difference because I've been in both places. I couldn't do good because I didn't know the will of God.

"Doing good" is not doing what we think is good, but rather doing the will of the Lord. Divorce is not good, but God wanted me to be with Karyn so it was necessary. When the Lord told Joshua to wipe out a whole civilization including men, women, children, animals and records, it was good. The Book of Mormon tells us why:

"Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God. But behold, this people had rejected every word of God, and they were ripe in iniquity; and the fulness of the wrath of God was upon them; and the Lord did curse the land against them, and bless it unto our fathers; yea, he did curse it against them unto their destruction, and he did bless it unto our fathers unto their obtaining power over it." (1 Nephi 17:35)

They had rejected every word of God! "Ripe in iniquity" means nobody is around that will obey God so nobody can do good, even if they think they are. Sometimes it works the other way; Jonah thought Nineveh was ripe, and should be destroyed, but the Lord knew otherwise, and the city was spared when they repented and became obedient.

Obedience is the key to everything. I wandered in the wilderness for twenty years because of my disobedience -- I didn't keep my promise, and I was cut off. I know Michele will be blessed for her "blind faith" and obedience even though she did not understand. She obeyed the Spirit each time in the major things: getting baptized, going to the temple, and getting divorced. She has integrity of heart, and she fulfilled her mission. For this she will be blessed beyond measure. I'm grateful to her for the courage she demonstrated in each of these decisions.

"Righteous" means "obedient to God." I was disobedient to God, even though I thought I was doing the right thing by letting my wife have her way. For this I was sorely chastened, I lost the Spirit, and wandered in the wilderness for 20 years.  What's more, that decision will affect generations after me -- some effects are not repaired easily, if at all.

Nevertheless, the Lord is merciful to those who repent and obey. He has brought me up out of the pit, and placed me in His tender care. He has taken my stony heart out of my breast and replaced it with one of flesh. He has blessed me with His Holy Spirit to guide my footsteps and mark my path. I know He has done this because of His Son, who suffered all things for those who want to change and become obedient. I am still nobody. I am nothing. I have nothing. I'm "wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked." (Revelation 3:17) But I know that the Lord is merciful. I cling to His grace. I have hope in Him. I will strive to live "by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." (Matthew 4:4) I have learned obedience by the things I have suffered. (see Hebrews 5:8)

"Alone Again, Naturally!"

I sit in my room at 4 a.m. and feel the loneliness envelop me like the darkness that surrounds me. The house is empty, except for me. Every creak and crack is just the house telling me that I'm alone, again, naturally.

I've always been a lonely person. I've wanted so desperately to connect with someone, anyone, but mostly my mom, dad, brothers, or wife. I've never been able to get there, until I married Karyn. She is in my heart and soul. I love her with a depth that I can't explain. I love her more than my life, more than any of the superficial wants, needs, desires, appearances, or qualities she or I possess. It's amazing, and beautiful. "Love is a many splendored thing!" But, behind it all is a dark spot that gives me a constant sense of impending doom.

"They're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone."

Karyn told me about a man she visited yesterday. His first wife died, his second wife left him, and his third wife decided that he was sealed to the first and didn't want to share so she left him as well. Now, he's alone. His niece with her children who is in the middle of a divorce stay with him, and he takes care of them.  At 63, he doesn't intend to marry again.

The "lone and dreary world" is appropriately named. We are all disconnected, and as much as we try to connect, we so often fail. It sometimes seems better just to be alone than to suffer all of this failure to connect. Death and divorce are really hard on one who needs to love from the heart. We can then add to that all of the uncertainties of the next part of our lives when we leave the Earth, making the concept of "Eternal families" more challenging.

"Two people together, but living alone."

Karyn is in an LDS widows group which continually struggles with a unique challenge compared to all the other widows in the world. These women are sealed to men who are no longer on the Earth. This means they have commitments that are Eternal in nature, not just for here, but after this life. Because of this, it is so hard for them to find an LDS man to marry and be with; the men feel like they are only temporary stand-in's; they can only be married for time because the woman has another in Eternity.

My dad is in this situation. My father is divorced from my mother, and married to a widow. Her heart is with her first husband, to whom she is sealed with all of her children. That's her family. He's just a person with whom to share the loneliness of being away from the one she loves. My dad said to me one day, "I'm hoping your mother will reconsider when we get to the other side." I've talked to my mom about it, but her heart is nowhere near there. We don't suddenly change. Where does that leave him? We don't know, and we won't know until the resurrection -- unless God reveals it for his specific case. Until then, he lives with uncertainty.

"If you can't be with the one you love, honey, love the one you're with."

My situation is strikingly similar. I fight loneliness, knowing that the woman to whom I'm sealed is not interested in the slightest, and the woman to whom I'm married has an Eternal commitment to someone else, the father of her children. I'm just the temporary "Joe." She needs someone, for now, and so do I. "... It's better than drinking alone!" Her heart is with her first husband. However, I've fallen in love with her so deeply. I need her. I want her. She's the only connection I've ever had from the heart. She fulfills my dreams. She connects me to God, and Eternity, but... I don't know the final outcome so I continually live with a lone and dreary uncertainty.

Our problem is compounded by logistical realities that often leave me alone, and lonely. She can't live with me, and I can't live with her so we reside in different states. We have the benefits of visitation at times, which are wonderful and so good I can't even describe it; it's like Heaven. But then we're torn apart after a couple of days or weeks, back to our lonely worlds. For me, it's like hell. The contrast is extreme! Most of the time I'm alone, again, naturally.

"I really want to know you, Lord."

I suppose the purpose of all this loneliness is to teach me something about connecting with God. We come to Earth to experience death and hell -- a separation from God. It's supposed to be lonely. We're supposed to feel the need to connect with God. Jesus came to Earth to show us the way to make this connection and return to grace. When the Lord was asked which was the greatest commandment, He told the lawyers, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. (Matthew 22:37-38) Then he went beyond their question to shed more light, "And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." (Matthew 22:39) This love is charity, the pure love of Christ. It's doesn't come out of loneliness, but rather desire, belief, faith, and hope.

I have always sought the Lord, but looked to my peers to fill my empty heart.  If I don't love my neighbor, I don't love God.  The connection with God brings the love of my neighbor, and vice-versa. They are alike, as Jesus said. I know this to be true, because it wasn't until I had a heartfelt connection to Karyn that I was able to love God, and feel His love. This also gives me the ability to love others, including my children, and step-children, father, mother, and brothers. From there, I'm sure it extends to all people -- in time.

 The loneliness dissipates when we are connected to God, which comes through the Lord, Jesus Christ. Mormon admonishes us how to seek and find this connection:

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen." (Moroni 7:48)

With charity, all of the problems of the lone and dreary world cease to exist. There is no loneliness. There is no hatred. There is no selfishness. There is no loss of connections. There is no worry or uncertainty with whom I will be after this life. The end result of charity is a connection with God and all people, never to be alone again, naturally.

The Wrong Road

After watching the following video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yNQC-_srxH8

It's short, and worth watching more than once to understand the first sentence. I was struck by the fact that God allows us to take the wrong road at times to instruct us in certain ways.

I now see how the Lord warned me, but allowed me to go down the wrong road so that I would be assured of the right road. I know now what the right road is. I have no doubt in my mind or heart that salvation only comes in and through the Lord, Jesus Christ Omnipotent. I know that love comes from Him. I know that all gifts come from Him. I know that everything good comes from Him.

I know these things because I was on the wrong road and had to leave it to get on the right road. I spent many years wandering around the wilderness of the world:

I know the intellectual prowess of men.
I know the philosophies of men.
I know the religions of men.
I know the psychology of men.
I know the honors of men.
I know the business of men.
I know the scientists.
I know the riches of the world.
I was "married and given in marriage."
I've been from the Ranchitos in Caracas to private yachts on the Mediterranean.
I've been in the halls of the best universities in the world.
I've been with powerful decision-makers.

I've been there. I've seen them all. I know them all intimately. I've participated in everything the world has to offer. I've been in the "great and spacious building" -- all the way in and through it and back several times. I know it. There is no foundation. There is no intelligence. There is no lasting value of anything. All is vanity. Everything that is sought of the world gives, at best, only temporary relief of symptoms. It doesn't fill the need. There in no cure, no lasting value, no help, no heart, no spirit.  Every one of those is a dead-end.

I am grateful to the Lord for teaching me in this manner, allowing me to traipse through everything the world has to offer, to experience every dead-end, before allowing me on the straight and narrow path that leads to Eternal Life. I know me. I would always be second-guessing myself, wondering what the other road possessed. Had I not known and experienced all the dead-ends of the "great and spacious building" that is the pride of the world, I would assume, as Thoreau, that each lies equally good, equally happy, equally sad -- equal in all ways. I would have thought that "all roads lead to Rome." However, because of my experiences I know that there is only one road, only one way, and that way is through the Lord, Jesus Christ. There is no other way. Everything else is a deception, looking equal until you come to the dead-end.

I have caught hold of the Iron Rod, and pressed forward clinging to it. I have come to the Tree of Life and tasted of the fruit. It is most sweet above all other fruit, and brings true joy to the soul. It has substance, filling body and spirit with love. It is fulfilling to the greatest degree. There is a sure foundation, a knowledge of permanence. There is love to an infinite depth that nothing of the world can give. It is solid and sure -- bedrock. Knowing this, I cannot fall for anything the world has to offer. There is no temptation for me because there is nothing left in the world that I want. I know the difference.

I have hope.
I know faith.
I know charity.
I know the love of God.
I know priesthood power.
I know the tender mercies of God.
I have spoken the word of the Lord properly in His name.
I know the Lord, Jesus Christ.
I understand happiness.
I have intelligence.
I see Eternal Life.
I know joy.

Allowing me to travel down the wrong road for so many years has given me a perspective and strength of knowledge that I could not have gotten otherwise. Blessed be His holy Name!

Far Above Rubies

What is the value of a woman?

What is she worth to me?

In Proverbs 31:10-30 Solomon speaks of the value of a woman:

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.

The money or trade of the world doesn't determine her value, she is far more costly and expensive than a king's ransom, or all the gold on Earth.

What is her real value?  Using the verses of proverbs, we will discuss what the world thinks her value is, and then what God thinks.

 

The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.

She is trustworthy because her heart is with her husband, not set on the things of the world so he doesn't have to steal to bring her stuff. But this is still NOT where her value lies.

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.

She is a blessing, a true helpmeet. Not just giving him what he wants, but rather helping him to grow and be better. Yet, this is NOT her true worth.

She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.

Her value is NOT in what she can do. If she can do nothing with her hands she is not diminished.

She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar.

Her value is NOT in making exotic foods.

She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.

Her value is NOT in getting up early and feeding her family.

She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.

Her value is NOT in her business acumen, nor in her ability to make money.

She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.

Her value is NOT in her muscular strength.

She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.

Her value is NOT in her ability to stay up all night to take care of her things.

She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.

Her value is NOT in clothing herself or her family.

She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.

Her value is NOT found in her charitable acts.

She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.

Her value is NOT in dressing her family warmly.

She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.

Her value is NOT in being well-dressed.

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.

Her value is NOT in making her husband famous, or advancing his business.

She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.

Her value is NOT in doing her own business, making her own money.

Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

Her value is NOT in her strength or the honors of men.

She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.

Her value is NOT in kind or wise speech.

She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.

Her value is NOT in her work ethic.

Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Her value is NOT found in the praise of her family.

Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.

The woman who can do all these things is doing well, but her value as a daughter of God is so much greater than this.

Favour is deceitful,

The value of her abilities, talents, and favors does NOT show her worth. It is deceiving. It causes us to look on the outside of her, as if she were a business that can provide us with what we need, money, wealth, food, clothing, and the things of the world. She can do all these wonderful things and be the most gracious host and take care of all the business of a household, but this doesn't even come close to revealing her value.

and beauty is vain:

A woman doesn't have to be beautiful on the outside. Vanity is that which has no value, useless, or worthless. Her beauty doesn't belie her value.

but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.

A woman doesn't need to do anything in order to have value -- only to fear the Lord. She doesn't need to please others. She doesn't need to do all the wonderful things listed above. She has intrinsic value as a daughter of God. Her value is in her closeness to the Lord. She is loved, praised, honored, and valued simply because she is an Eternal being. 

Because she fears the Lord, my wife is part of me. She is my heart. She is beloved, and I glory in her because she completes me and makes me whole, complete, and perfect. She doesn't complete my sentences or fill the gaps in my personality or intelligence. She fills the void in my heart. Without her I am nothing, not because of what she does, but rather because of what she is to me. Together we are Eternal. Love is forever, and is not dependent on abilities or beauty. I love her with all my heart. Her value is far above rubies.