It Is Finished!

Last week I had a patient in my office whom I had seen many times. She had an intestinal bypass and stomach stapling procedure to lose weight eight years ago and is now experiencing many problems associated with poor digestion. She is severely malnourished, but can't absorb her food, or even supplements. We give her intravenous nutrients, but that's not a permanent fix. She continues to have all sorts of nervous problems, pain, weakness, fatigue, brain fog, and many other symptoms. She can't function normally. She used to run a business, and now can't even work at all. As we were discussing her situation she said, "I believe in Jesus." I asked, "Do you believe that He can heal you?" thinking about all the physical problems we had been discussing. She looked up at me with a puzzled look on her face and replied, "He already has."

At that moment I knew she was sent to tell me that. It struck me with such force that this very damaged and suffering person could understand something in her heart that I didn't. She understood that when Jesus hung on the cross, just before He "gave up the ghost" He cried, "It is finished!" --and it was! She knew that she would suffer through her life, but her salvation was assured already. This is something I have never understood.

It's easy!

When the Children of Israel were in the wilderness and snakes came among them, biting them they were dying. They went to Moses who inquired of the Lord. He told them to erect a brass serpent on a pole in the front of the camp. If anyone was bitten, all they had to do was to look up at the serpent on the pole and they would be healed. Alma tells us that because it was so simple, many died, not believing that something as simple as looking could heal them from a poisonous snake bite.

Salvation really is that easy. As soon as we look to Jesus Christ for salvation it's done -- we're healed. I'm just beginning to understand that the Atonement is NOW! I don't have to be perfect to qualify. I don't have to have conquered everything, I just have to be repentant. If I have weaknesses and I'm repentant I still have the same gift from the Lord. I need to start living like I believe THAT. I believe in the Lord, Jesus Christ. I believe that He can and will forgive my sins. I believe that it is ALL Him, and that I don't do anything to merit His grace, except to sin. If I have no sin, then I don't need Him so I must sin in order to participate in the program of salvation.

The un-Christian Christian

All of my life I have been trying to repent of all my sins, to be perfect, in order to be worthy to stand before God. At first I tried doing it by myself, then I tried to become perfect by using the Lord. Now, however, I realize that I only need to rely on Him, keep repenting, and just carry-on. I don't need to wait for perfection. What is need is faith. I'm looking to supplant faith by seeking signs that I'm forgiven, that I'm justified, or that I have received a remission of sins. I'm looking to be a "just man made perfect through the blood of the Lamb" without putting my faith in Him and trusting that He ALREADY did pay the price for my sins.

The gift of salvation has been given again and again, but I have been rejecting it, saying, "I'm not ready..." for whatever reason. Basically, I was always assuming that I have to be something or do something, or have something before I can accept His offer. I needed to "overcome the world." I needed to "repent of all my sins." Ironically, in my zeal to BE a Christian, I have rejected Christ and His offer of forgiveness. I have been trying so hard NOT to need Him.

A changed heart

I feel now differently as well. I see others who are weak, and have no disdain or judgment. I don't see them as somehow less because of their weakness. Instead, I see weakness as an injury that just needs a Physician. That's all. People who sin need the Lord, not a lecture on sin, not punishment for sin, not rejection or hatred. Judgment is wrong because it denies the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know people who have "sinned against the greater light," knowing it was wrong, but being compelled to do things they had specifically made covenants not to do, and I have judged them to be unworthy of the Kingdom of God. It seemed obvious, black and white, but now I'm not so sure. All I know is that if the person is repentant, the Lord can heal him of his "greater" sins in the same way He can heal me of my "little" transgressions.

Moreover, I feel differently about my own sins and weaknesses. Understanding that the Lord has already paid the price for all my past, present and future problems is such a relief of the burden of sin. I have been carrying these rocks around with me for so many years, and the burden is so heavy. The Lord has offered to take them, but I say, "No, thank you, I must deal with them first, and then we'll talk..." Now, the burden is lifted. I don't have to be perfect; I only have to put my trust in Him, have faith in Him, believing that He can and will make me clean in His own time. The gift is given. The Atonement was carried-out. On the cross He cried, "It is finished!" and it was! It's a done-deal. I can bank on it. I can trust in Him. The rest is just details, filling-in the blanks, living, learning, being humble, prayerful, and doing His will in all things so that I can learn and grow in the Spirit. I have stuff to do, but perfecting myself isn't one of them. He did it already.

Also, gratitude has entered into my heart. I feel grateful for EVERYTHING. I am grateful for all my experiences in life. I give thanks for pain and suffering, for tastes, smells, touch, and feeling. I'm thankful for the contrast of love and rejection. I'm thankful for the Earth, sky, clouds, rain, and every person whom I have encountered. I'm thankful for the Lord and His gift. I just feel so grateful.

Lastly, I feel loved. I have always pushed away love because I didn't feel worthy of it... yet! I was working on it. Now I know that I have intrinsic value to Him because He has already paid the price. I don't have to wait. I love Him because He loved me first, and has made the ultimate sacrifice for me -- not because I have any special worthiness, or because I have "overcome my sins" or any act of mine, but rather because I am His son. I know He loves me -- no matter what!

I'm not finished growing up, but His grace is a "DONE DEAL!"  I wish everyone could know this.

Seeking Unity

An article in the Ensign this month has taught me something I think I should have known for a long time, but didn't sink-in. It talks about a husband and wife being a council in the family the way there are councils in the Church. The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve will not act on ANYTHING unless there is unanimity. If just one doesn't agree on a particular action, they discuss it until a consensus is reached. Sometimes they discuss things for hours, days, or even years before an item acted upon. Nobody is dictatorial or imposes their "righteous" will or exercises authority over the others.

Bondage

I have not done this. Instead, I have insisted that I was right, or that things be done the way I want. I have been selfish in wanting to get my way. In the process, I have manipulated my family in three primary ways: 1. I would be authoritative, being the boss. 2. I would reason with them intellectually until they had to agree. Or, 3. I would just be "patient" and wait for them to turn to my way of thinking. I have not sought consensus with my wife and family, but rather I continued to hope things would go my way. I didn't give in and compromise in any way. Mostly, though, I didn't seek their feelings on things, rather I just assumed I was right and they would come around to my way of thinking. I didn't consider that they had anything to contribute. Thus, I could maintain my authority.

Being an authority is pride, and thus a form of bondage. I remained "stuck" in my own thoughts, ideas, and mind set. I could not change because I wasn't able to let others change me. I said I was open to change, but they had to convince me with a better argument than I had. I would be able to out-reason them and maintain my way of thinking. I was in a prison of my own making, out of which I could not get. 

Liberation

The Lord intervened and took me out of bondage. He brought me down a road, the consequence of my selfishness, that I didn't expect. Pride does indeed go before a fall. My wife and children were taken away from me, and I was given a family that didn't care about my ability to reason. They don't think the way I do, rather they base their lives on their hearts. I was so frustrated, at first, but the Lord kept telling me, "It's alright, just go with it; let go of your authority." I have done that, and a whole new world has opened to my view. I walked out of the prison.

I'm no longer the authority, I'm just a figurehead. I'm a stand-in, filling in the gaps for Eddy. It's his family and I'm taking care of them for the time being. I'm a surrogate or adopted father so I have to learn "their way." One of these is to consider the feelings of others on any subject and seek to understand why they feel the way they do. Since I don't need my current wife and her children to be a "chip off the old block" to maintain a certain image, I don't fear their hearts; which has opened up a new world to me, a world of building unity and love, consideration and compassion. 

I no longer have to have things "my way." It's a concept that I knew about in certain contexts, but did not apply to my personal life. It brings a certain peace, like not having to fight or jockey for position. I don't have to be the authority and know everything. I no longer have to be "patient" and wait for what I want. I don't have to be the "Lone Ranger," all alone out in the desert fighting for what I think is right. I can be part of a team. 

It's freedom. In seeking counsel from my wife and family I gain their support. I don't have to drag them with me, insisting that they think, feel, and do as I do. I can allow them to be who they are, and learn from them, at the same time they take some responsibility. They are part of the process of decision-making, and thus become integrated into the solution.

Leadership

This is why I have been an ineffective leader in my business as well. I don't reach consensus by asking what my employees think or feel, but rather I act on how I feel at the moment. I have tried to be the authority, instead of the leader. I have thought I had to know everything to tell everyone what to do. I didn't teach them because I didn't know. This left huge gaps in productivity because everyone was guessing as to what needed to be done.

Building a team requires the thoughts, ideas, and feelings of each team member. This allows the team to be the best it can be. Finding consensus of the heart is not an easy task, but a good leader will be able to bring very different people together to form a team. This is the genius of Abraham Lincoln. One of his biographies is titled, "A Team of Rivals" referring to his ability to bring the rival members of his cabinet together to form a team that helped him keep a nation from being torn apart.

Be one

The concept of seeking the hearts of others is not new to me. I do it all the time in being a physician. I treat the same illness very differently in different people because of their individual wants, needs, and desires. I find out their hearts first, before making a plan of action, and when I make a recommendation and it doesn't work, I change easily, finding another way. In a way, I have given my patients more consideration than my employees, friends, and family, which I have been told more than once. 

I'm just beginning to understand what is meant by unity. In giving up my pride of being an authority I can seek consensus by understanding the hearts of others. This is an essential part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Jesus said, "I say unto you, be one; and if ye are not one ye are not mine." (D&C 38:27) It is also an essential part of love. Jesus told his disciples how important this love is when He told them just before His suffering, "By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another." (John 13:35)

Efficiency vs. Effectiveness

I wake up in the morning with a routine. Read the Scriptures. Check. Write in journal. Check. Shower, shave, deodorant, hair, dress in order: underwear first, then socks, shirt, pants... Check. Check. Check.

I've lived a life of checking boxes. I find the most efficient way of doing things and always do it the same way. If I find a better way, I change so I'm always doing things right, according to my way of thinking. In every area of my life I have checked boxes. 

Spiritually, I learned all I can from the writings of the prophets and did the best I could to do all the right things. Go to church. Check. Keep the commandments. Check. Pray. Check. Forgive everyone. Check. Get baptized. Check. Go to the Temple. Check. Get sealed. Check. My exaltation should be assured because I checked all the boxes.

In my marriage I read all I could about being a good husband so I could check all the boxes. Give her flowers. Check. Help around the house. Check. Pray together every night. Check. Give her gifts -- my own creations -- Jewelry boxes, a bed, her dream home, and so forth. Check. Take care of the children. Check. Date night. Check. We should have had a perfect marriage. It looked that way on the outside.

With my children I listened carefully to others, and avoided their mistakes, doing all the things they missed. Work less to be with them more. Check. Be the scoutmaster. Check. Take them places. Check. Cook meals for them. Check. Read books to them. Check. Read the Scriptures every morning. Check. Pray together. Check. Family Home Evening program every Monday. Check. I did everything right. My children should have been Gospel scholars by the age of twelve and General Authorities by their twenties. They should have advanced degrees and be emotionally secure, physically healthy, and in every way mature by the time they graduated from high school. I literally gave them a checklist of maturity in eight areas of life so they could check the boxes. It's all I knew to give them, the best I had.

Hypocrisy

However, I am a witness today that "the letter killeth." (2 Corinthians 3:6) I have killed everything I touched with the letter of the Law. "Ticking boxes," as the British say, is doing the outer portions of the rules, but not the things of the heart. I have neglected the "weightier matters" even as I did everything right. I am as the Pharisees upon whom the Lord pronounced a woe, "Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye pay tithe of mint and anise and cummin, and have omitted the weightier matters of the law, judgment, mercy, and faith: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone." (Matthew 23:23) Hypocrisy is doing the outward signs, but leaving the heart out. Woe is me!

Hypocrisy is found in doing things right. If I have a list in my mind of what a "righteous man" is and go down the list, checking all the boxes, then I can define myself as a righteous man. Others on the outside looking at me would also say, "there goes a righteous man" because everything is in place. Yet, I can easily "suffer the hungry, and the needy, and the naked, and the sick and the afflicted to pass by [me], and notice them not." (Mormon 8:39) If I don't see the needs of others, I have no box to check and can still define myself as a "righteous man." 

Hypocrisy is also found in efficiency. I have an overwhelming innate need to be efficient in everything. I use the soap in the shower to the last. I use one disposable razor for a month. I tear pieces of paper towels off. I use exactly three squares of toilet paper. I only buy, or make, the food I'm going to eat. I'm so proud of my 40 MPG car! There is a sense of righteousness in leaving a very small footprint. I'm so conservative with everything, and expect everyone to be the same way. On the other hand, the things of the heart are not efficient, and therefore must be eschewed.

A Mighty change of heart

However, the things of the heart are the "weightier matters," or the most important things. Judgment is being just, such as helping those in need, or "social justice." Mercy is blessing those who don't deserve it. Faith is trusting in the Lord, doing His will and leaving the final outcome to Him. These have no boxes to check. I didn't even notice that my wife needed my compassion and love. I didn't even notice that my children were individuals. I didn't even notice the needs of the poor. I judged them to be in their state because of their ignorance, not doing things right, and being inefficient. I gave everyone boxes to check, lists of tasks to perform so they could have everything like me.

Since I have lost everything I wanted, and killed everything I touched, I have had to re-think my core beliefs. I re-married a woman who is all heart. She is the heart of her home. Her whole life is about people, compassion, love, and giving from the heart. She doesn't have a schedule. She doesn't make grocery lists. I don't think she has a single list of boxes to check! Her children are mostly the same. This has admittedly been very frustrating because the whole family is inefficient. The first week I had to teach Shannie not to use half a roll of toilet paper every time she went in the bathroom. Half the food we buy is wasted. There are three rolls of paper towels open in the kitchen. There's no bed time. There is always toast in the toaster that is cold. I find my tools out in the dirt, and if I don't, I fret about having to buy another wrench that I know I had. I finally gave up. I now stand back and watch -- and bite my tongue. I realize that it's just NOT going to be done my way.

Letting go of my needs has required that I remove the lists, and the boxes. I don't have a checklist anymore. It makes me feel so out-of-control, at times, and yet gives a certain freedom that I haven't experienced before. I can be with the children and have no boxes to check. Since there is no ulterior motive I can just enjoy them. There is no need to manipulate them to be a certain way, or to do a certain thing so I can check the box in my head. I can let them be what and who they are.

I'm learning, but it doesn't come easily. I'm learning that effectiveness is more important than efficiency. Efficiency has always been my substitute for effectiveness, but I had to let it go. Now I have to learn how to be effective. I remember this difference described by a friend when I was observing a junkyard in Mexico, "In the United States you take care of things and use people, but in Mexico we take are of people and use things." This is a difference between efficiency and effectiveness. Isn't it ironic that so many years later I would marry a Mexican and learn this lesson for real.

It's NOT automatic

When we confess Christ we are saved at that moment, and forever. I have always thought it was automatic. In fact, I have assumed that everything I think is automatic just because I want it to be. I wanted to get married and live happily ever after so I thought if my wife loved me, then I would automatically love her. I thought getting baptized would automatically make me clean. I thought the ordinances of the Priesthood would automatically make me a righteous man. I thought being sealed in the temple to my wife would automatically bring us both exaltation in the kingdom of Heaven.

I was wrong. Dead wrong. "But it is mockery before God... putting trust in dead works." (Moroni 8:23) I see many who think as I did, who believe that they are magically changed by wanting something to be true. There are two kinds of "dead works:" 1. Those things done without sincerity, and 2. Those things that we neglect to fulfill. Paradoxically, every gift from God is free, and yet requires the most diligent labor. For example, performing an ordinance doesn't save, rather by obedience to it we come to know, and love, God. 

Ordinances

The ordinances of the priesthood are given to guide us to God. We come to know Him as we are obedient, showing that we love Him with all our heart, might, mind and strength. The rites, rituals, and ordinances of the priesthood don't bring us, or cause us, to know God by themselves. It is really the action word of "obedience" to them that helps us to understand the Lord and come to know Him intimately. The rulers of the Jews during the time of Jesus thought they had the rights to the priesthood and were therefore chosen of God automatically, based on the works of their father, Abraham. However, Jesus reprimanded them saying, "If ye were Abraham's children, ye would do the works of Abraham." (John 8:39)

Peter thought it was important to perform the ordinances of the Gospel, which he explained during his speech at the Pentecost. Those who heard the word of God had faith in Christ, and asked what they should do. "Then Peter said unto them, Repent, and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the remission of sins, and ye shall receive the gift of the Holy Ghost." (Acts 2:38) However, I no longer think it's automatic.

Baptism

The first ordinance of salvation is baptism, the door by which we enter into the Kingdom of God -- and the Kingdom of Heaven. It is symbolic in many ways as a re-birth, and a washing. I was always told, and verily believe that it is required for a remission of sins. But I have also heard at more than one ceremony that the people just baptized are the "cleanest people in the room," alluding to the idea that being immersed in water can clean one of his sins. This, however, isn't true. The actual cleansing is done by the Holy Ghost. Alma explains that the Holy Prophets were "sanctified, and their garments were washed white through the blood of the Lamb... being sanctified by the Holy Ghost, having their garments made white, being pure and spotless before God..." (Alma 13:11-12). It's the Holy Ghost that makes us clean, after we have repented of all our sins.

The ordinance of baptism is performed as a symbol of that effort. Perhaps it could be said that if we are baptized before we have completely repented of all our sins then the ordinance is performed prematurely. In the ancient Americas, those who followed Christ "were not baptized save they brought forth fruit meet that they were worthy of it. Neither did they receive any unto baptism save they came forth with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, and witnessed unto the church that they truly repented of all their sins." (Moroni 6:1-2) Now however, we baptize for admission into the Church, with an expectation that the acolyte will follow-through with the injunction to repent, eventually being cleansed of all sin, thus fulfilling the covenant made in the baptism ordinance. It often requires a great deal of time and effort.

Love

Love has been written about so much, and yet remains a mystery. Nevertheless there is a definite principle of love that can be learned and practiced. It's NOT automatic. We don't automatically love our parents, friends, siblings, spouses, children or anyone. There is work to be done that brings love in its wake. The feeling of love isn't controlled directly, but rather nurtured over time and developed -- the feeling follows the work.

The work of love is constant and consuming. It requires your entire heart: all your thoughts, words, and deeds must be employed. Parents do nothing without thinking about their children. A loving husband will do nothing without considering his wife. The greater the love, the more the thoughts and actions take the other into account.

Thoughts must be changed in order to modify feelings. When we have negative thoughts about our beloved, we don't entertain them, we make them leave by changing them for something positive.

Our words must reflect words of love at all times. We don't use sarcasm, irony, or especially anger. Just one angry word can negate weeks, months, or even years of being positive. Moreover, love requires communication; we would maintain constant contact with those we love.

Loving actions reinforce our feelings for our loved-one, who will know they are loved because of our thoughtful actions. Taking the time to discover the love languages of our beloved and use them regularly and liberally. It is the common lot of men to assume that those things that make them feel loved would obviously make everyone else feel the same. Not true. We must get outside of ourselves; It takes effort.

Love doesn't happen automatically.

Marriage

I assumed that if I was married, and that I didn't have any of the "unpardonable" sins, adultery, addictions, and abuse, that I would stay married forever. I thought things would just work out -- automatically. I read the books on marriage and checked all the boxes, assuming everything was going fine and I didn't need to do anything else. It didn't work. This has caused me to reflect upon my assumptions and I discovered my navet. Just like love, a great marriage doesn't happen without a great deal of effort. Marriage is a special case of love because it requires each to be on a more intimate level, requiring complete humility. 

Humility is knowing the truth about yourself, who you are and where you stand in the Universe. If I am humble and honest I can be trusted. Trust is earned over time through consistent effort and experience. This level of intimacy is not taken, but only given. We can only give what we possess so each must be fully in possession of himself, or herself. 

The mistake made in marriage is assuming that your spouse will automatically fill your wants, needs, or pre-conceived ideas. It's selfish. Couples generally find it hard to change so they end up trying to fix each other. I went to marriage counseling and read books on marriage to learn how to fix my wife. This is why a happy marriage relationship is not automatic. It takes work.

Work

The work of marriage is to become a partner that is humble and trustworthy. This only happens through a change of heart that comes from God to those who repent, are baptized, and receive the Holy Ghost. Thus, the labor of life is all interconnected. The work of one is the work of the other. It starts with a desire to come to know God. The steps on the path to salvation are shown in the rituals and ordinances, explained in the Scriptures, and made effective by obedience. Once we have an ordinance it becomes incumbent upon us to fulfill it by learning, by faith, by obedience, or, in other words, by doing the work of that rite. The power of God is manifest in our lives not by performing a ritual, but by being obedient -- keeping our promises we make to God in the ordinance. 

Jesus summed it up: "If ye love me, keep my commandments." (John 14:15) The covenants that we promise to abide are the commandments of God.

It isn't automatic... it's WORK. The Apostle James tells us, "Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone." (James 2:17) Dead works are those we do without "real intent," such as when we fail to fulfill our covenants. The ordinances and covenants tell us what to do, and as we do them we receive the reward of our labors. We show our faith in Christ through doing the work of fulfilling the covenants we make to Him. It is the labor of love; it is the labor of life. It's not automatic.

The Double Standard

I have a vivid memory of watching an old black-and-white movie where a man gets slapped in the face by a very pretty woman -- and just stands there. He doesn't hit her back, threaten, or even grimace. She yells at him and slaps him again, but he just takes it.

Times really have changed. We are now taught in society that there is no difference between the sexes. We advertise women as "Rosie the Riveter" and men as "Mr. Mom." This, however, is a fantasy because there really is a double standard. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander. There is a difference between the sexes, in spite of what we are taught in the world. A man is NOT a woman, and a woman is NOT a man. They are different in every way. They are not physically, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise the same. There are ways you act around men that you never do around a lady. There are things you may say around men that you never say around a lady.

A woman can tell a man how she feels, if she hates or loves. She can complain, slap a man physically or emotionally, drive a knife into his heart, so to speak, but not only can a man not do the same back to her, he cannot even threaten, be angry or even pout. In order to be a man, he must take the pain and not give it back, or even acknowledge it.   He doesn't hurt her even to protect his life.  He just has to take it all in -- and gives back love. That's how she knows he loves her.

A real man
A real man doesn't run away from pain. He doesn't flinch, whine, complain, or otherwise express the pain he feels. He never lashes-out at others when he is hurt, uncomfortable, or otherwise suffering. Alma and Amulek were real men. They were imprisoned for preaching the word of God and the leaders of the city were very cruel. They would come every day and take turns hitting Alma and Amulek, "And thus they did mock them for many days. And they did withhold food from them that they might hunger, and water that they might thirst; and they also did take from them their clothes that they were naked; and thus they were bound with strong cords, and confined in prison." (Alma 14:22) However, in spite of their unjust suffering they didn't complain or express any anger or hatred. When the time came to leave, the Lord gave them strength to walk out and they didn't ever lash-out at their captors -- they just went on with their work.

A great example of how a man is to treat a woman is found in the prophet Lehi as he was traveling in the wilderness with his family. He sent his sons back to Jerusalem to get the family records, and they didn't return for a longer time than expected. His wife started complaining to him, "Behold thou hast led us forth from the land of our inheritance, and my sons are no more, and we perish in the wilderness." (1 Nephi 5:2) What is her complaint? Essentially it's: "You are a dreamer, you killed our sons and led us out here to die!" Lehi didn't get angry at her, he just accepted the complaint and loved her, saying, "I know that I am a visionary man..." and explained that the Lord would bring back their sons. Nephi comments on his father's actions toward his mother, "And after this manner of language did my father, Lehi, comfort my mother, Sariah, concerning us..." (1 Nephi 5:6) On the other hand, years later, when Lehi was complaining to the Lord that there was no food in the camp, "the voice of the Lord came unto my father; and he was truly chastened because of his murmuring against the Lord, insomuch that he was brought down into the depths of sorrow." (1 Nephi 16:25) A real man takes all the abuse anyone can give, but returns no animosity or complaint.

A lady
A lady is not to be exposed to the baser things of life. She is not required to slay the dragons. She shouldn't be treated in the same way a man would in the same circumstances. She is to be protected and nurtured, loved and cherished. In my daughters grade-school they teach otherwise. They teach that a woman can do anything, be anything, and compete the same as a man. They are specifically told there is no difference between a man and a woman. The media portrays 110-pound model with perfect hair, make-up, and large breasts fighting against three 200-pound men and laying them out. Only over the past few decades as our society crumbles around us we are taught that a woman is to "bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let you forget you're a man." This is a lie. It's not true. It is one sign of a fallen civilization.

Society must teach that women are different, and are to be held in high regard. A man needs to be willing to sacrifice everything, even his life, for her. He is to keep her safe and provide for her. He is to bear the brunt of all the evils of the world, slay all the dragons, and fight the battles in the world. She doesn't carry the same burden. She needs to be protected and nurtured, becoming a lady in the full sense of the word. The Nephite civilization understood this. When the men were called out to battle to fight against their enemies to protect their wives, they went with courage in hand-to-hand combat, knowing they would be at least wounded, and maybe killed. Only in the end did they arm their women, their last stand before being completely annihilated.

A lady needs to be nurtured, loved and cared-for. She may have mood-swings that cause pain. She may be sweet and gentle, or mean and ugly. She is still a lady and needs to be respected as such, no matter what her station in life. In "Don Quixote de La Mancha" Don Quixote thought himself a lord and his peasant neighbor, Dulcinea, a lady. He spoke to her like a lady and treated her in a most formal and respectful manner. She, over time, began to think of herself in this way and became a lady. To be a lady, a woman needs to be treated like one.

The Lord

The perfect example is Jesus Christ. I think the Apostle Paul understood this concept when he told the Ephesians, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." (Ephesians 5:25) Jesus Christ loved the Church so much that He gave Himself a ransom for the sins of all those who would come to Him and ask forgiveness. He takes whatever abuse the people give out and humbly submits to the will of the Father. He doesn't lash-out, cry-out, run away, rebel, or even object. He just takes it. Those of the Church continually make mistakes, using His name in vain, and committing all sorts of sins, but he just takes it, and gives back only love. He didn't even reprimand the woman taken in adultery, though it is the "most abominable above all sins save it be the shedding of innocent blood or denying the Holy Ghost." (Alma 39:5) He just loved her and invited her to "go and sin no more." The prodigal son took his inheritance and wasted it, but was welcomed back with open arms and a big party. Jesus has patience, longsuffering, gentleness, meekness, love, charity, grace, and forgiveness. He is the embodiment of all of these.

This is the manner that men should treat women. Paradoxically, to be a humble servant to a lady is a great honor. Indeed, it is the most important thing in the world because it teaches us to be like Christ. There really is a double-standard. In truth, men and women are different, but as the French say, "VIVE LE DIFFERENCE!"

Fake it 'till you make it

In the summer of 1984 I returned home after serving as a missionary in Venezuela for 15 months. Prior to leaving I had worked during the summer doing the "Sponge Bob" thing at Carl's Jr. I was not looking forward to doing that for minimum wage again. As I was whining to my carpenter friend, Chris, he said, "You know how to use a saw, don't you? Just walk on to a construction site and tell the foreman you're a carpenter looking for work." Being completely ignorant, I did just that. 

The first place was a 3-story condominium job site. I walked-in, asked for the foreman, and was directed to the top floor. I went straight up to him and said, "I'm carpenter looking for work." 

"What can you do?" he inquired.

I shrugged, "Well, anything."

"Sheeting?" (I didn't know what this meant, but I was sure I could learn.)

"Yeah."

"Joisting?" (I wasn't sure what this was, either.)

"Yeah."

"Well, we don't need anyone just now."

I left and walked down one block to a similar job site, inquired of the whereabouts of the foreman.

"I'm a carpenter looking for work."

"What can you do?"

"Sheeting, Joisting... anything." (I still don't know what this means, but I thought it would sound good.)

"Ok, bring your bags tomorrow and we'll start you doing pick-up work."

I immediately went home and called Chris. "He told me to bring bags and do pick-up work, does that mean I have to bring trash bags and pick up trash?" Chris laughed out loud, "You idiot, "bags" are your tool bags, and pick-up work is fixing all the mistakes." I asked, and he told me what I needed. 

The next day I showed-up to see Kyle, the foreman, with stiff leather tool bags filled with shiny new tools from Sears -- CRAFTSMAN! Everyone pointed, laughed, and used language I wouldn't know how to write. But, they let me stay. Kyle took one look at me and said, "You'll work with me." He led me upstairs, got up on a ladder and said, "Cut me a 32 long-point." I looked at him quizzingly. "You know, 45 degree angle, 32 inches to the long point... and, here, use this instead of that thing." I put away my Sears tri-square and picked up his speed square, marked a 45 at 32 inches and picked up the 7-1/4 Skill-saw to cut it.  "STOP! -- YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE GOING TO CUT YOURSEF!" he yelled at me. He got down from the ladder and showed me how to hold the saw and board properly to avoid an accident. This kind of thing went on all day, but I learned fast, and didn't make the same mistakes twice.

He let me come back the next day. He told me he'd pay me $7/hour, twice as much as the fry-cook job! 

By the end of the summer I was a carpenter. I didn't know everything, but I knew enough to find a job anywhere. The following summer the same company hired me back, and even hired my brother, who was just about as ignorant as I was when I had started. John, the boss, wanted intelligent people on the job, and I assured him Chas was SMART. We went on to build for years, eventually building my own house mostly by ourselves.

In the world I have been able to "fake it" to learn just about anything, but I don't think this works with the things of Eternity. The qualities of faith, humility, and charity are not something I could fake. I have tried. The problem is, I can study it and understand it intellectually, and even act the part, but if it isn't in my heart, it isn't real. Jesus explained this concept to the Nephites:

For behold, God hath said a man being evil cannot do that which is good; for if he offereth a gift, or prayeth unto God, except he shall do it with real intent it profiteth him nothing. For behold, it is not counted unto him for righteousness. For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God. (Moroni 7:6-8)

In spiritual terms, "fake it 'till you make it" is just hypocrisy. What I do or think on the outside is not nearly so important as what is in my heart. That is the difference. In the world, what I DO is important, but Heaven is based on the heart. The Pharisees faked being righteous, but were told, "But woe unto you, Pharisees! for ye tithe mint and rue and all manner of herbs, and pass over judgment and the love of God: these ought ye to have done, and not to leave the other undone." (Luke 11:42) In other words, what they did was important, but "the weightier matters" are those things of the heart.

Faking love, doing all the "loving" things, doesn't work. It doesn't change my heart. I only appear to be loving, but the heart is still selfish. Selfishness is the opposite of love. Also, I can teach Sunday School and appear to understand the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but that doesn't assure that the commandments are written in my heart, as Abinadi explained to the wicked priests of King Noah, "And now I read unto you the remainder of the commandments of God, for I perceive that they are not written in your hearts; I perceive that ye have studied and taught iniquity the most part of your lives." (Mosiah 13:11)

I have enough experience to know for sure that the Scriptures are true. They teach that there is only one way to God, and that is through Jesus Christ. Those who turn to Him, will find a "mighty change of heart" through the ministration of the Holy Ghost. There is no other way. There is no faking with God. "O then, my beloved brethren, come unto the Lord, the Holy One. Remember that his paths are righteous. Behold, the way for man is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him, and the keeper of the gate is the Holy One of Israel; and he employeth no servant there; and there is none other way save it be by the gate; for he cannot be deceived, for the Lord God is his name." (2 Nephi 9:41)

The problem is, I've faked it for so many years I don't know how to do it any other way! I know I can't change my heart. I'm in a sort of bondage, a catch-22, and a vicious cycle. If I do good, I'm trying to "fake it" and I congratulate myself on how "good" I am so it's really bad. 

Nephi explains how to do this, "I know that if ye shall follow the Son with full purpose of heart, acting no hypocrisy and no deception before God, but with real intent, repenting of your sins, witnessing unto the Father that ye are willing to take upon you the name of Christ, by baptism; yea, by following your Lord and your Savior down into the water, according to his word, behold, then shall ye receive the Holy Ghost; yea, then cometh the baptism of fire and of the Holy Ghost; and then can ye speak with the tongue of angels, and shout praises unto the Holy One of Israel." (2 Nephi 31:13)

I guess the only thing I can do is pray for repentance and a mighty change of heart, and, "Trust in the Lord with all [my] heart; and lean not unto [mine] own understanding. In all [my] ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct [my] paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6) I'm going to give up faking it, and turn to the Lord.

GUILT

There are behaviors we do that belie our knowledge of "original sin." We are guilty and we know it. We aren't worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven, and deep down inside we fear it. For this reason people feel the need to do one of six things to suppress the guilt:

1. Justify their existence by doing everything right.
2. Be better than others, always judging and comparing.
3. Blame others who caused them to sin.
4. Accept a hard life as payment.
5. Be good and do good.
6. Deny that there is justice, guilt, or even God!

When Adam and Eve were in Paradise after their creation they had no sorrow, no pain, and no suffering of any kind. However,they were given choices. They could decide to grow up, have children, move on, and become as Gods, knowing good and evil. Alma explains this concept to the people of Ammonihah, "He gave commandments unto men, they having first transgressed the first commandments as to things which were temporal, and becoming as Gods, knowing good from evil, placing themselves in a state to act, or being placed in a state to act according to their wills and pleasures, whether to do evil or to do good." (Alma 12:31)

God knows good and evil which gives Him the power to choose. Without this knowledge Adam and Eve would have remained innocent. Alma generalizes it to let us know that all men "transgressed the first commandments" and thus we caused our own fall. In other words, the story of Adam and Eve is our story. We each "took the fruit" and got kicked-out of paradise and brought suffering and death to ourselves. That's why we find ourselves here on Earth in a "probationary state," also explained by Alma: "And thus we see, that there was a time granted unto man to repent, yea, a probationary time, a time to repent and serve God." (Alma 42:4)

Ultimately, this comes down to one question: do we need Jesus Christ, or not? Knowing we have sinned and fall short of the Kingdom of God, we need to somehow find a way to justify our guilt. Those who do not desire to be humble as a little child and serve God must find another way.

Self-righteous

The Pharisees and Scribes of the New Testament felt the need to justify themselves. They were self-righteous. They didn't need Jesus because they had kept all the commandments from their youth. They assumed "the law" saved them. If they kept the law, they would be worthy, and guilty of no offense.

Compare

Many believe they are good and righteous compared to others. They compare their strengths to the weaknesses of others. They look down on the "republicans and sinners!" The comparison to others, putting themselves on a higher plane, ascending to the throne by themselves, makes them equal with God -- just like Satan, "For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit also upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north: I will ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will be like the most High. (Isaiah 14:13-14).

Blame

Some people absolve themselves of responsibility by blaming others for their sins. Parents, friends, family members, or strangers who have hurt or neglected them become the scape-goats. These only acted out of some form of self-preservation, or necessity and are therefore absolved of guilt, and don't need Jesus Christ.

Pay now

Some try to satisfy the demands of justice by telling others about their pain, loneliness, deprivation, or some other form of suffering. It feels like we could atone for ourselves if we suffer enough -- that we would pay for our own sins and not need to humble ourselves before the Lord and beg His forgiveness, take His yoke, and be His servant.

Be good

Some believe they can be as Jesus "who went about doing good." (Acts 10:38) They help others, heal the sick, win Nobel prizes, show courage, love, and all the sublime qualities of humanity. They don't need salvation because they are covered by their own goodness.

Denial

Many just deny that there is guilt. They deny their own feelings. Some of these acknowledge God, but deny His justice, and thus the need for a Savior. Others deny the existence of God altogether. There is no guilt because there is no God, and thus, they don't need Jesus.

Christians

Most human beings use one or some combination of these in an attempt to justify themselves. Ironically, as in the case of the Pharisees, it is common among Christians to use some form of self-justification to prove that they don't need Jesus Christ. They learn the law and keep it with gusto, believing the law will save them. Or, they compare their strengths to others weaknesses. Also, it is common to be as Jesus said, "Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?" (Matthew 7:22) but they don't seek Him to do His will. Christians also commonly flog themselves or blame others to justify themselves. Some even get involved in the philosophies of men, mingled with scripture, such as "New Age" religious teachings that deny the existence of guilt and sin. These are all self-serving and are not based on the Gospel.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is actually quite simple. We don't need any of the devices above. Jesus told the Nephites, "And again I say unto you, ye must repent, and be baptized in my name, and become as a little child, or ye can in nowise inherit the kingdom of God. ...And whoso shall declare more or less than this, and establish it for my doctrine, the same cometh of evil." (3 Nephi 11:38, 40)

First we acknowledge our guilt, and impotence to resolve it. Then we turn to the Lord for salvation. Baptism is symbolic of being washed of all sin, becoming clean and free of guilt, after we have repented. We are cleansed by the blood of Christ -- or not at all. The only choice for finding peace, rest, happiness, and joy -- being guilt-free -- is the Lord. All the other means of trying to remit our natural guilt will fail -- sooner or later.